summer
Sirius
Ever since he was eleven and met James Potter on the train for the first time, Sirius had always told him everything. Every single thing that his mother had done, every conversation he had with reg, everything. He couldn’t think of any time in his life since then that something had happened that he did not want to tell James. He knew that he probably should, but James was too good- he had a heart of gold and this kind of thing wouldn’t even occur to him. He thought if he put it off it might be easier
He wouldn’t have told Peter anyway because there was no reason to involve anyone who didn’t need to be, and it had nothing to do with him. Even if he had told him, Peter couldn’t keep a secret to save his life, to save anyones life, everyone knew that. They would end up caught by halloween if Peter knew.
But he might be able to tell Remus.
He sat down to start writing the letter and found himself speechless. He didn’t even know how to start; it took Sirius three hours in the end before he managed to finish the letter. He crept to the owlery as quietly as he could to send it
moony,
Missing you, James, and Peter loads, its shit here as usual. I spoke to reg the other day to tell him I was leaving and he agreed to come with me! He said he only would if I stayed until we went back to school but it’s okay because at least I won’t be leaving him here.
The only problem is that there’s only one way to make sure they can’t get him back after we go back to school in September. I can’t tell James about the plan because he won’t understand but I'm hoping you will because you’re the only person I can talk to about this.
They’re letting me go out this summer without Kreacher following me around so can you come and see me at some point before the end of summer so we can talk, please moony
padfoot
He prayed that Remus would understand what he was going to do and why, because he didn't know what he would do if he lost him.
***
Sirius and Regulus decided that in order to cause the least amount of suspicion, they’d have to act the same as they did every summer. They'd have to ignore each other in front of their parents and only talk about their plan when Kreacher was busy. Sirius would continue to be his regular loud self, and Regulus would play his usual role as the perfect black heir. To anyone else it would seem as though nothing had changed, but this was the best their relationship had been in years. They were finally speaking to each other properly, not just to slip in snide remarks towards each other. He told Reg everything about his friends (excluding Remus's lycanthropy obviously, he wouldn’t dream of telling anyone about that, it wasn’t his to tell), he told him about all of his doubts and how he had realised that not a single viewpoint their parents had was right. They spoke about how difficult it was to unlearn a lifetime of hatred and mistreatment, but it wasn’t all bad. They spoke about the future and how they wanted to spend it, they spoke about their plans after Hogwarts and joked about how embarrassing James’ crush on Lily Evans was.
By the start of July, Sirius was finally starting to feel as though he knew his brother again, properly. He'd told Sirius things he had never told anyone before, he told him about all the research he’d done on Voldemort and how he’d figured out that he was using horcruxes. The part that surprised Sirius the most was when Reg revealed that if he didn’t manage to get out, then he had plans to find and destroy as many of the horcruxes as he could, even if it meant he would die trying. He had no idea how many there were, but he wanted to make sure that Voldemort would be mortal once he met his match. He explained how his relationship with Kreacher had led to him knowing a lot more about the inner workings of the death eaters because no one ever suspects the house elves of betraying them, and how that was he came to the conclusion that it would have to be Kreacher who actually killed their parents.
It had been quite a good summer considering the circumstances.
***
17th July 1976
He’d agreed to meet Remus at a park near his house to explain what he and Reg were going to do, but now that he was here waiting for him, he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to do it. What if Remus thought it was crazy, or too over the top; or worse, what if he thought Sirius was crazy?
Sirius thought he was going to throw up.
Remus walked over to the bench where Sirius was sat and must’ve sensed just how nervous he was because immediately he asked “What’s wrong? Is it your mother again? I thought you said things were better?”
He looked up at Remus and suddenly felt a lot calmer, his eyes full of concern and his soothing voice that had always made Sirius feel as though everything made sense. For a second, he almost forgot that he had to tell Remus about the plan. If he could, he would bask in Remus's gaze all day, but now wasn’t the time for that, he had to focus.
He took a deep breath before he started. He needed to find the right words; he didn’t think that starting with “ Me and Reg are going to kill our parents” was the right way to start this. It took him a moment but he eventually spoke, breaking the silence.
“No it's her this time actually, it’s,” he paused for a second before continuing “it's something else.”
Remus nodded, his eyes never leaving Sirius’ for even a second. He stayed quiet and waited patiently for Sirius to continue.
“Remember when I told you that Reg had agreed to come with me, and that there was only one way that he would never have to go back?” Sirius asked, he was stalling to avoid it, but that would be impossible. He needed Remus to know, he wasn’t really sure why. Remus knew all the worst, ugliest parts of Sirius and he still hadn’t left, Sirius was hoping that this wouldn’t be the thing to send him over the edge.
Remus still hadn’t spoken, waiting on his explanation
He needed to just get it out. He needed to get it over with now, he could explain after but first he had to say it.
“The only way would be if-” he broke off for a moment to prepare himself “-if they were both dead” he stared at Remus, trying his hardest to gauge his reaction. But Remus had always been good at hiding his emotions.
After about a minute of both of them sitting in complete silence Remus finally spoke, “Okay, what do you mean by that?” he said it so gently, Sirius had to tell him.
He told Remus all about the plan and how they had concluded that it was what had to happen. He didn’t interrupt once; he sat quietly and listened carefully to every word that Sirius said, agreeing when it was necessary. With anyone else, this would’ve put him completely on edge, but there was something about the fact that it was Remus that made him feel completely at ease. It was no longer difficult for him to find the words; they poured out of him like a dam had burst somewhere in his throat.
When he was finished Remus made sure it was definitely what he wanted to do, and who else he was going to tell, but he didn’t tell Sirius he thought it was insane, too over the top, or wrong for even thinking about it. He just comforted him. Unfortunately, Remus being this kind to him, made him cry, he had no idea why because he wasn’t upset. But Remus just pulled him into his chest and stoked his hair until he’d calmed down enough to speak.
He managed to croak out a pathetically quiet “I’m sorry” while still clinging to Remus like a little kid
“What are you sorry for?”
“I don’t even know, everything? For dragging you into this? For crying? For thinking about killing them? I’m just sorry” He didn’t know what he was sorry for, but he knew he was sorry for something.
“Sirius. Look at me” Sirius finally looked back up into his eyes again, everything else once again going quiet, as though they were the only two people in the world “You have nothing to be sorry for, especially not to me. You haven’t done anything wrong I promise.” There was so much certainty in his words that Sirius had no choice but to believe every word he said, “If it was anyone else, or any other set of parents, then yeah it would definitely be a bit mental but everyone knows what your mum is like. Honestly, I don’t blame you”
“Really?”
“Really.”
After how that went, Sirius was sure that maybe he’d made it too big of a deal in his head, surely telling James couldn’t be as bad as he thought it would, not if Remus reacted like that.