"Dear diary, it starts with me..."
„Dear diary,
How weird would it sound, if I wanted to be alone for most of the time. Just alone in some quiet place, probably reading. However, I don’t like the lonely feeling inside of my gut whenever nobody is around. I feel like I just simply don’t like being around people. But at the same time I crave to be around people that would care about me and like me for who I am. Even if it’d be one single person. Though not many people really know who I am. It may be because I can’t really be myself when my skin feels just too suffocating on me and I can’t seem to get used to it. Some days it even feels like it’s trapping the real me inside.
But the real question is: Is there even true me inside?
Once in a while I remember the real Regulus. The one who always laughed and smiled with his older brother, the one who liked bright and colourful things, the one who liked picking the flowers in the sun, the one who used to be happy and nice all the time. Then, over the time, he got hated on and was slowly ruined. I’m probably the only one who really knew the him. Yet I’m not the only one who shattered the poor boy, and forced him to built a whole new persona over the years.
I can inform you that the persona is rather far from pleasing and nice. I can see that many, many people hate it
I slowly started hating on my appearance and became cruel to myself. Possibly it’s due to the things others said about me. I hate my messy hair, my strangely shaped face, my scrawny arms along with my wobbly legs, my skimpy frame, and don’t even get me started on my femininely built torso with hips. My body honestly looks like it was made for a girl, and not a boy.
Still even if I hate on myself, it doesn’t stop me from hating on the things. Holidays or breaks, hate. Social interaction, hate. Touch, hate. My family, hate. School, hate. People, hate. Sun, hate. Days, hate. Colours, hate. Quidditch, hate. Yet, I still am on the team and I play every match we have. But again I hate it every single time.
Nowadays everything seems to be all about hate to me. It’s like the word hate is carved into my mind
hate. hate. hate.
Gosh this sounds awful and pathetic, but it’s the only type of emotional relive I have let myself do. It feels like an internity since I had dumped my emotions on something or someone else. And it just doesn’t sit right with me
Though if it was on me, I would never start this whole diary writing thing, but Pandora insisted that it would be better for my mental health. And she was also the one who bought me this notebook. Plus the way she handed me the book, made me take it. I don’t know what came over my mind when I started to write my shit out, but I guess there is no turning back now. Is it?
My thinking was quickly interrupted by a voice that was my every day's nightmare and I deeply despise the voice. It is my mother’s. I’m weirdly curious what she wants from me now. I gave her everything she ever wanted, yet it doesn’t seem satisfy her enough
Still I go out of my room and go down the stairs that will get me downstairs. Now either I walk into hell pit or quite normal atmosphere. But again normal is a type definition, that’s different for everyone.
In the kitchen my mother is sat at the end of the dinning table. She had her significant stern look on her face. And she looked like she was definitely judging everything about my appearance. Lovely. “You called me?” I asked somehow calmly, though I already knew the answer to my stupid question.
“Yes, I called you” She looked me up and down with judgment seeking through her eyes “Are you ready to finally go?” by her cold stare I guessed I should had known what she was talking about, but I had no idea
“Go where, if may I ask?” I tried to keep my tone calm and obedient due to her past problems with my so called attitude.
“The station, you stupid child. Have you seriously forgot about it or what?” The insult slipped past her lips and I almost didn’t notice. I can’t even call it an insult anymore, it’s just to normal for me
I tried to think what was she talking about. Then it hit me. The station. I was supposed to leave for school again. The thought alone made me quite happy. I could leave this house for few months again. My freedom, as I like to call it. “No, mother. I didn’t forget, I just didn't get your reference”
In fact, I lied, but she doesn’t need to know that, does she? “Well, you should’ve get my reference. Now go get your bag, we are leaving now” she scolded me like she always does, because I have to be perfect in every way. Even go as far as reading her mind or getting the unsaid references she thinks of.
Without an answer I left the kitchen and went up the stairs again, a bit quicker this time. I guess I can’t wait to get out of here. I mean who wouldn’t want to?
Back in my room I slipped my diary into the bag and made sure not to left anything behind that my mother can find and use against me next time when I come home
Once she found a picture of me and my friends on my bed side table. I can tell you she wasn’t really happy and forbid me from sending letters to any of them. I didn’t mind cause I don’t write them much anyway, but she made sure no letters from them reached me that summer.
It were two long months.
After quick check around, I made sure I had my hair in place so I wouldn’t get another lesson on how to be proper. Then shut the door behind me and left the room.
The platform was packed with students. From the ones who were going to Hogwarts for the first time, to the ones who were going the for their last year. Yet I didn’t saw any of my friends around. Which was weird because they always found a way to me to get me away from my mother. I looked around trying to spot them. No sings of them
I didn’t even noticed my mother leaving me here alone. Guess I’m not even worth a goodbye. Of course I didn’t mind that, this was the moment I’ll get free from her after all.
Everyone around me slowly started to get on the train, so I just did the same while thinking that I’ll find my friends once I would be inside
The small bunch of children seem to take forever to get on the train so I was one of the last people waiting. It was killing me how slowly these kids moved.
When I finally got inside, the small aisle you walk through was still packed. Gosh what had happened now-
Quickly my concern about the aisle situation fell quiet, when someone bumped into me from behind. Just lovely a way to start my new school year. “Sorry, there. I didn’t see you”
The voice. I know it, maybe too well. I glanced behind me and I guessed it just right. James Potter just standing there looking somehow apologetic “Maybe get your glasses checked out, Potter. They don’t seem to work” Just how I enjoy insulting people.
“Oh hey, I didn’t realized it was you” James greeted me warmly. Did this guy just ignore my insult on his vision and greeted me. Does he have to smile while he does so? Can he even get mad? I want to get him mad
I turned my head straight back, to look forward. I want to say, the silence fell between us, but due to the children around, there wasn’t really any silence.
“So how was your summer, Reg?” I don’t know where he got the idea that I wanted to talk, with him of all people, but he was certainly wrong. And his sweetly warm tone pissed me off even more
I turned my head back to look his direction. I’m not sure if the annoyance was showing on my face, but I hoped it did “First off it’s Regulus for you, Potter” I had to think about my answer, because my summer was horrible as every one of them before “And secondly to answer your stupid question, it was fine” Fine should do for an answer. What else should I say? “It was absolutely horrible” Yeah, no
I glared at him for a moment before I couldn’t help myself and throw another insult his way “I won’t ask how yours was, because I guess summer with Sirius must’ve been amazing. Wasn’t it?” I would be honestly surprised if he didn’t answer or react to this comment
The smile on his face fell upon my insulting comment, which was a good sign “Reg, you know- Regulus, I meant Regulus. You should know, that no matter what, I won’t come between whatever you and Pads have going on right now” What the actual- Can’t he insult me back or something? Does he have to handle everything so nicely? He’s getting on my nerves “And I’m sorry if you got the impression that I wanted to steal Sirius from you. Which I can assure I didn’t want to”
Did he just apologized to me? I was a bit too stunned to talk, still I can’t have him see me shocked s I quickly gathered up some answer. Just in case he really wanted an answer from me “There’s nothing between me and Sirius, Potter. Everything that was there, he destroyed the night he ran away to you” It’s still so fresh. The night feels like it was yesterday even though it is long time
Why do his eyes look so apologetic? “Regulus, we both know, that whatever was or is still happening, inside that house is far away from healthy. And there is times I think how you can still live there even if your mothers does those things” Sirius must’ve told him about the curses as punishments. Why couldn’t he just kept it to himself? Now he probably got James caring about my well being. How great is that.
I was waiting for the moment when he’ll say he’s joking. Yet it didn’t come for some strange reason And for the first time in this conversation, I didn’t have anything to say back. I was too flabbergasted.
I kept glaring at him analysing his expression for something. Anything “My mom says that everything she heard from Sirius sounds like child abuse. And no child should go through that.” Is he being serious or is he bluffing? I can’t really tell that, but I can tell he has more to say “You know, you can always come to me and my parents if you can’t deal with it anymore, right?
What a nonsense. Do I look like some weak person to him, that needs to run away from my problems? He seriously pisses me off with this. But at least I know he wasn’t bluffing before. “Are you serious? I’m not someone to run away, immediately when things get hard, like Sirius does”
How dare he to think of me like I’m same as Sirius. Me and Sirius are completely different. James thinks everything is super easy and it pissed the hell out of me. “Do I look like someone who’ll join your family’s charity? Well I’m not, so I don’t need either yours or your parents help. And if you could honestly stop annoying me about this it would be fantastic”
He looks surprised and stunned. I guess he didn’t expect such an answer. That’s what he gets for getting in someone business “Regulus, you-”
“Save it, Potter. I don’t want to hear it. Just leave me alone” Insulting him was fun, but this is pissing me more than I expected. And if he comes near me with this bullshit again, I’m gonna hex him.
I didn’t even wait for an answer and I pushed past some kids through the aisle. I don’t care if I knocked them over or stomped on the. I just needed to get away from James. I walked till I approached the part of train with the compartments. I looked in every single one through the doors, trying to find my friends. And when I finally spotted them I was quite happy I found them.
“It was about time, Reg. Where were you?” Barty immediately asked not even letting me breathe. I just sat down between Panda and Cass. “Let him be would you, Barty?” Pandora scolded Barty
“For your information, I got stuck in an aisle full of kids” I lied, I mean it’s half true so I don’t think this counts as lying. They don’t need to know James was there too.
“Yeah the kids are getting annoying more and more” Evan agreed with me before we all got started on another boring talk about our summers.
With them it wasn’t as boring, however I still found myself zoned out. I was thinking about James. I couldn’t wrap my head around his offer. Does Sirius know about this or not? Because I know for a fact he won’t be happy if I went there too. Not that I want to of course. One more thing I can’t stop thinking about. It’s why he apologized to me. Did Sirius told him to? No, not a chance. Or did he just feel bad for me? I don’t really know. But I know he somehow got me confused in more than one way
I guess i will have to wait and see how this goes on