Of your broken little hearts
Lavender Brown had never cared much for magic. Well, that was a lie, a lie she told herself as she packed to justify running away. Though, it wasn't running away per se, she was fully an adult. She grit her teeth and dealt with her 8th year at Hogwarts. She had spent this last year being treated like she was made of glass, people wincing at the sight of her scars and marveling over how she survived The Fenrir Greyback. No one ever stopped to consider that she didn't want all that and she couldn't fathom how Harry had done it all those years. So, she was packing up everything in her bottomless trunk and moving to muggle London, without telling anyone. She had thought about leaving a note, but she didn't even want to risk someone trying to come and find her.
She'd already had a flat secured not far from Surrey. It wasn't much but she didn't need much, she just needed a fresh start. She ran her eyes all over her now-empty bedroom and took a deep breath to quell the anxiety rising in her chest. This is it. She thought to herself before shrinking her luggage to pocket size.
She ran a brush through her curly hair, a thick chunk of silver now standing out with the honey brown, and tossed it into a low ponytail. She was wearing a green long-sleeved blouse and blue jean bell bottoms, with brown platform boots. It was rare that she showed skin anymore, she refused to remember Greyback's claws digging into her, definitely not something she wanted to be reminded of. She was going to treat today like it was any other day.
She stepped out of her room and came face to face with her mum, Dahlia. "Oh! Hi. Were you...just standing there?"
Her mother seemed to flush at being caught but seemed to catch up a moment later. "Oh, I was about to knock. The Weasleys have invited us to supper this evening. Would you like to attend? I'm sure Ron, Hermione, and Harry would love to catch up."
Lavender felt nauseous at the combo. She didn't feel particularly inclined to sit in their presence as they stared at her with pity. She wasn't particularly inclined to sit in front of Hermione as she wrapped her arm around Ron's protectively as if Lavender would bat her big brown eyes and steal her fiance. Spoilers; she's no longer interested. Lavender knows when she's not wanted and that had been made very clear. "No..Thanks. We're not really...friends."
Her mother's face contorted into a frown, "Those three checked in on you the most while you were in the hospital. You could at least stand to pay them a visit, Lavender."
"They're just doing it because they're the saviors. It looks good for them. We weren't especially on good terms in school, so I don't exactly believe they'll miss me if I don't go." Lavender tried to argue. She wasn't lying, they hadn't actively wanted her around from the start. Lavender couldn't blame them, she was quite annoying when she was 16.
"Exactly, they're the saviors. They are the reason that we're still alive and free. So you could at least show up to show some gratitude for that." She snipped.
Lavender stared at her mother, jaw clenched as she tried to figure out another way to say no but anything she could think of to say sounded ungrateful. She hung her head. "Okay. When is it?"
Her mother looked inordinately pleased, "It's in an hour. I'm glad you're coming with us, Lavvy! It's good that you're getting out more. I think it's about time, don't you?" She didn't allow Lavender to answer as she bounded off, probably to tel her father the amazing news. This was the vicious cycle of Lavender's life. Guilt tripping, everyone just simply waiting for her to get over it, as if she weren't attacked by a werewolf that left her incapacitated for months, terrified of turning into a werewolf or worse- dying. Lying in the bed at St. Mungo's, imagining all of the things she never got to do. She had resigned herself to the idea of death, because nothing felt like it was getting better so the only other way it could be was worse.
In the passing hour, Lavender had distracted herself with a book she got from Muggle London, same day she secured her flat. It was quite amusing to see how the muggles interpreted magic and magical creatures. If only they knew. When the time came to floo over to the Weasley's, Lavender's palm was sweating and her heart was jackrabbiting in her chest. She practiced the breathing techniques her mind healer had taught her as she stepped through the fireplace. She was greeted by the sight of several redheads, Harry's raven dark hair and Hermione's brown curls, all of them helping with dinner in one way or another, Lavender cleared her throat awkwardly, managing to gain their attention looks of surprise and slight winces at the sight of her scars.
Lavender chose to ignore it. "My mum's running a bit late and my dad got called into work, so it'll just be us tonight." She informed them, awkwardly shifting her weight between each leg.
Molly smiled, "That's alright then! We just finished setting up the table! Have a seat wherever you'd like, love."
Lavender nodded, almost skittishly making her way to one of the chairs at the end of left side of the table. She sat next to who she assumed was Charlie. He was the only one she didn't really recognize. Next to Charlie sat Bill, who's sat next to Fleur, who sat next to George, who sat across from Ginny, who sat next to Harry and then Ron and the Hermione. Mr. Weasley occupied one end and Mrs. Weasley occupied the other end. Just then-Dahlia came through the fireplace.
"So sorry I'm late! I hope I didn't delay you all in enjoying supper!" She worried, sitting in the empty chair next to Lavender.
"You weren't that late mum, I've only just sat down." Lavender reassured her. She still hadn't made eye contact with the golden trio as she picked up her fork to dig in. Everyone had been chattering amongst themselves and Lavender started to think that maybe this wouldn't be so bad, she could scrape by with small talk. But of course, peace doesn't last forever.
"So, Lavender, have you thought of what you wanted to do since you've graduated Hogwarts?" Harry's voice broke her out of her thoughts and she gulped. She didn't have an answer, not one that she could share with this audience. Harry's bright green eyes were piercing her soul.
It was like she could hear everything and everyone all at once, the tick of the clock, the clacking of the enchanted knitting needles, the flittering movements of their owls. She blinked once, twice and three times before clearing her throat, realizing that everyone was still waiting for her to answer. Lavender swears she see Ron nudge Hermione. "I'm..not sure yet. I've mostly just been focused on healing, My mind more so than my body." She lied. She's had a year to practice that lie.
Hermione nodded, almost seeming over animated in her encouragement, "Not too worry! You'll get there." Lavender thinks she sees Ron pinch the bridge of his nose.
"...Thanks." Lavender said awkwardly, poking at her food. She couldn't feel anything but the pounding of her own heart. This was starting to feel like something more than a dinner.
"Parvati tells us you stopped responding to her letters." Hermione blurted. That wasn't a question, so Lavender just stared at her.
"Hermione- Stop." Ron hissed but the question was already out there and Lavender's mom was staring holes into the sides of her face. Because she may or may not have lied about still in being in touch with Parvati. In her defense she didn't want her mother hounding her about it.
"So?" Was her response. She was tired of having to explain herself to people. She's not the same girl she was in sixth year and she was tired of nobody recognizing that. She didn't know who she was. "We just grew apart, that's all. Not everyone is lucky to have a friendship as strong as you three."
Everyone seems surprised by her answer, several pairs of eyebrows shooting up around the table. Hermione seems to buffer for a moment, "I was just wondering," Is what she eventually murmured down at her food.
"How is everyone else?" Lavender asked, wishing to change the topic as soon as possible. Bill seemed to take the hint and started talking about his new promotion at The Ministry. Soon enough, everyone's attention was on him and Lavender allowed herself to breathe. In and out, In and out. Her heart finally slowed and she loosened the tight grip on her fork that she didn't even know she had. She let out one small little exhale and thought 'okay, I can be normal.'
"That's great to hear Bill. Fleur, you must be so proud." Lavender said with the utmost sincerity. They both beamed in her direction, a true picture of happiness. Lavender was jealous. Lavender was jealous that despite his scars, Bill looked handsome. Despite his scars, Bill was married to a beautiful woman, who didn't wince when she saw his scars.
She turned to Ginny and smiled, an expert at faking. "I heard you made the Canons! I wanted to congratulate you, but I didn't know if it'd be weird to reach out." Ginny's eyebrows rose in shock but a happy flush had sprawled against her freckled cheeks.
"Thank you! Why would it be weird? You're welcome to owl me any time." Ginny responded, tucking her short locks behind her ear.
Lavender shrugged, "It's just that we hadn't really talked at all before this. Nice to know though, maybe I'll take you up on that."
The conversation continued and no one asked her anymore questions. But the trio did shoot simultaneous and separate curious glances at her and she noticed every one. Soon enough, dinner was over, everyone getting ready to leave. Their parents were engaged in conversation about their school years. Lavender went to take her and her mothers plates to the kitchen.
"Hey." A devastatingly familiar voice called from behind her. She slowly turned to look at Ron. She was surprised when the sight of him makes her heart stutter. She was over him. She wasn't wanted. At least that's what she told herself.
"Hi." She said softly, tilting her head. A silent question.
"I just wanted to see how you're doing." He said, voice softening way too much for her liking.
"I'm fine. Different, but I'm just fine." She answered in a more neutral tone.
"I'm sorry for Hermione..." He trailed off, seemingly trying and failing to come up with an excuse for her. He shook his head when he couldn't think of anything. "I'm just sorry she put you on the spot like that."
Lavender shrugged it off, looking down at her shoes. "I get it. I mean, we weren't really friends in school. It was probably just as awkward for her as it was for me."
"I've always thought of you as a friend Lavender- even though I definitely did wrong by you. I am sorry about that, as well." Ron apologized, to the surprise of Lavender. He seemed sincere about it too.
Merlin, it was like the universe was working together to make her last day in the wizarding world emotionally challenging.
"Thank you for the apology, Ron. I know I wasn't the easiest to deal with either." Lavender had decided to accept his apology. No point in holding a grudge when she wasn't ever going to see him again.
"Ron! We're getting ready to leave!" Hermione called, rounding into the kitchen. Her eyes slid between Lavender and Ron, slightly narrowed in suspicion.
" I've got to go as well, see you lot later." Lavender stated, stepping around them both to find her mother, who was already waiting for her by the fireplace. She took a deep breath as she wrapped her arm around her mother's and stepped through the fireplace, hoping her mom wouldn't interrogate her about Parvati. But hope was a fickle thing. As soon as there were through the fireplace, in their small living room, She turned on Lavender.
"Why didn't you tell me you don't talk to Parvati anymore? What happened? Why are you pushing people away?' She bombarded, hands on her hips and eyebrows raised expectantly.
Lavender felt her face heat up as her heart sped up. "I don't have to tell you everything! Anyway, nothing happened, we just grew apart. We're not interested in the same things anymore and there's nothing to talk about. Also, maybe I wouldn't 'push people away' if they stopped either acting like I'm a fragile little fairy who'll break at any mention of the war or my trauma or that I'm just supposed to ignore the trauma that's already a part of me and act like everything is as it was before! News Flash! It's not! I'm different! I'm a different person! I wish you and dad and everyone else would recognize that!"
Her mums faced morphed into one of shock and sadness, tears wet her lashes as she tried to blink them away. It was like, she just couldn't fathom that Lavender could have been feeling this way all this time. "Lavvy...I- I'm sorry, I didn't realize you felt that way..."
"I have for a while. I didn't know how to say it before, but I'm done masking it now. I don't have bad blood with Parvati but I'm still figuring things out about myself and who I want to become so please just- let me breathe." Lavender sighed, the fight draining from her voice rather quickly.
Dahlia nodded, dabbing her tears, away with her sleeve. Usually, Lavender would comfort her and things would go back to normal. But not this time, not when Lavender felt like she's the one who needed comfort. She felt the shrunken luggage in her pocket and reassured herself that she wouldn't have to deal with this for much longer. "I'm going to go for a walk." She said stiffly, grabbing her coat off the rack and rushing outside. It had been slightly drizzling but it was quiet, as everyone in the small hamlet of Aranshire was turning in for the night. They had moved there so Lavender could recover peacefully. Lavender cast an umbrella charm so she wouldn't get sick. She thought about all the things that she would miss and she was surprised that none of them were people.
She'd miss the beautiful scenery, she'd miss the creatures, she'd miss the quiet. But she just needed a break from the people. She's unsure how much time had passed but it was full on raining now and she was almost sure her parents would be asleep. They never worried about her when she went on walks, they were just glad she was getting out of the house.
This was her chance to leave.
She very quickly checked in on her parents, who were in fact asleep. Looking at the years of memories compiled into pictures on the walls. Maybe she would miss her life a little bit, but she's convinced that a clean slate is what she needs to move forward. Eventually she left, using the floo to get to the leaky cauldron and exiting out of the muggle entrance to London. She was a little overwhelmed with the change of pace. From a slow, quiet hamlet to the bright bustling streets of London. Her heart was pounding and her whole body felt like it was buzzing. She was excited and anxious and scared and ready all at the same time.
She found a slightly out of view spot before apparating to her new flat. Over the last couple weeks she's had this flat secured, she had been popping in and filling it with her things, so that way when she made her move, the flat would already feel like home. She pulled her luggage out, enlarging it once more, she didn't plan on unpacking it just yet, she just wanted her pajamas and a blanket so she could pass out on the cozy carpet floor.
She was out, and that was the first step to her new life.