Chapter 2
James had been sitting by his desk the letter still opened in front of him for an undeterminable amount of time. He knew that at least some must have passed because it had started raining for the first time since he had gotten home but his mind had just run away from him. His thoughts spiralling around possibilities. It was Saturday so Sirius ought to be back in England by now. Was he alright? How would his return in a month play out? When would he be able to just get up and finally do something?
He knew he should probably contact Remus or Peter. They had the shared knowledge of the situation their friend was in and other than that they were also his friends. But were they really? After all it was only by coincidence that they were in the same house. Shared a dorm, lessons and a group of friends. He often found himself questioning whether they would have found to each other if it hadn’t been for the sorting five years ago. If the Pettigrews had never moved into the neighbouring house, would he and Peter ever become friends? After all the only thing that had bound them together before school was their shared world.
When these things started to infiltrate his mind, James found himself to be in a kind of frozen place. He felt like his life was on hold because what even was that thing he called his life? His person? Was it his actions, his choices or the people he was surrounded by? Who was he without others’ eyes on him? Without people to please and favour? James didn’t know.
He didn’t know who he was when he was alone which probably made him act like he did. Social, outgoing and overall happy because without that he didn’t have anything. He wasn’t really a person. Or at least not one that he knew. He could assign at least one thing to each of the people he was close with that made them the person they were. That made them a person. Sirius was confident and sure in everything he did not caring about other peoples’ opinions. Remus was determined and selfless. Peter openminded and kind. But him? He didn’t know what he was. Couldn’t think of a single thing that he was when he wasn’t being it for someone else. And that scared him because what if something happened. What if one day he found himself without them? What version of him would be left behind?
Pulling himself out of his thoughts was hard. He was often called out for daydreaming and losing sense of reality by his friends. He never understood why. How weren’t they all getting lost in thought when there was so much to think about? It was endless. Or was it maybe just his mind that was the endless one? He couldn’t imagine a life where he didn’t get lost in thought. Couldn’t recall time it had been different. But he wished for it. How he wished for a single moment of peace where his head would just shut up and let him rest.
A knock on the front door finally got him out of his train of thought. He looked at his watch. It was already three o clock, and his parents must have just come home from their date. They never made a habit out of apperating into the house claiming that they had doors for a reason. Standing up ignoring the dizziness in his head he made his way down the stairs to open the door.
Expecting his parents when opening the door is probably what made him let out a gasp when they weren’t the ones standing on the doorstep.
“Prongs!”
Sirius looked awful. And not in the way he looked after drinking too much or staying up too long. He was drenched in water and visibly shivering. With his hair a mess and his voice clearly strained James had a hard time believing that this was actually his best friend. Standing on his doorstep. What the hell happened?
Without much thinking James stepped forward to hug him. He wasn’t quite sure if it was for his sake, making sure this wasn’t just some weird trick or hallucination, or for Sirius’.
“Happy to see you too, mate”, came Sirius’ voice muffled because of James’s sweater.
“What are you doing here?”, James managed to say after a few more seconds. “What about your parents?”
That clearly wasn’t the right thing to ask because Sirius eyes snapped up to his and James could see fear in them that he never had seen before in Sirius’s eyes. Fear that he had never seen in anyone’s eyes. Usually, James was good at saying and doing the right things. He wont mess whatever this was up.
Quickly he added “Doesn’t matter. Just come in my parents will be home soon and I know that my mum will love to see you.”
Gesturing for Sirius to follow him he made his way inside again. Sirius just a step behind his trunk in his hand. Was he planning to stay longer? He wouldn’t ask but if you asked him Sirius should just move in permanently even if that meant that the peaceful silence in the house was over. Ater all none of their friends wanted Sirius to be in that house with those people. And James didn’t either.
Turning around he could finally see Sirius’s face for the first time. James had seen bloody noses and lacerations before. In Quidditch those injuries occurred almost every game even he had broken his nose during practice once. But the state his best friend was currently in still shocked him. From the black eye to the bloody nose and the split lip, James couldn’t help but ask.
“What the hell happened?”
“Long story, Prongs”