Radio Host: This is George and Theo live on Wizarding Wireless 104.5, with the soothing soundtrack of your evening. Joining us for Second Date Update this evening is professional matchmaker, and award winning author of Hex Him; You Deserve Better, Miss Pansy Parkinson. Pansy, It’s always a pleasure to have you here.
Pansy: Thank you Theo, George. Likewise. How are the children?
Theo: They continue to be nothing but delightful. Fred said his first word yesterday and Lizzie accidentally summoned a python out of his enclosure at the zoo a few weeks ago.
Pansy: That’s remarkable magic! You must be so proud! And what did little Freddie say?
George: Not anything that we can repeat on the air. I can’t imagine where he picked it up. Can you, Theo Darling?
Theo: It is indeed a mystery! But let’s get right into tonight’s Second Date Update! For first time listeners, every evening we try to help out someone who’s had a first date and thought it went really well, but can’t get a second date. Tonight’s case is especially interesting and one that we thought Pansy might have specific insight into. We got an owl from a listener who calls himself Lucas. He went on a blind date with a girl who turned out to be an old school mate. He thought things went pretty well considering their history and wants to see her again, but he can’t get a response to any of his owls.
Pansy: Intriguing! Have we got him on the floo?
Theo: We do. Lucas you're on the air. Wait, why are you wearing a balaclava?
Lucas: Ahem. No reason. They're just terribly comfortable. I'm shy? I just applied moisturizer.
Pansy: Something about your voice sounds familiar… Have we met? Is Lucas your real name?
Lucas: Ok, look, Lucius… I mean Lucas is my middle name. I use it sometimes. Can we move on to helping me get a second date?
Theo: Sure…. Lucas. Your owl said that you were set up on a blind date with Harmony by a coworker. When you showed up, she was someone you knew from school. Tell us what happened.
Lucas: We met at the restaurant. I could tell she was as surprised as I was, but we decided to go ahead with the date. Reservations to the restaurant are magically binding and canceling would have been physically painful.
Pansy: You went to Bastet!? They have a year long waiting list!
Lucas: Do they? They didn't mention a waiting list. Maybe I just got lucky.
Theo: Unlikely. Who are you?
Lucas: I'm no one. Anyway, I thought we had a really good time. The food was excellent. The conversation was the best I've had in years. And she's beautiful. It was like Aphrodite herself had come to earth. When she laughs, her eyes actually sparkle. Have you ever seen a woman's eyes sparkle? It's enchanting.
Pansy: This sounds very familiar. Who have we heard waxing eloquent about a particular witch like this before, Theo?
Theo: (aside) Shh. Let's just let it happen.
Lucas: I don't know what you're talking about.
Theo: So… Lucas, I have to ask, did anything go wrong.
George: Did you get handsy? Eat off of her plate?
Lucas: I would never! I have to be honest though. We didn't really get along in school.
George: Quidditch rivals?
Lucas: Ha! She hates Quidditch. The truth is, I was a bully and she didn't like me.
Pansy: (under her breath) I knew it.
Theo: Do you think that was the problem?
Lucas: I'm not sure; I don't think so? She did seem a little stiff after I came back from fetching her coat, but she said she was just tired. I've been wracking my brain for days. I can't sleep. I can't eat. If she would just answer my owls, I could fix whatever I did.
Theo: Well, let's get Harmony on the floo and see if we can get you some answers.
*Series of dings.
Harmony: Hello?
Pansy: Is this Harmony?
Harmony: (hesitantly) It is. Who am I speaking to.
Pansy: This is 104.5 with Second Date Update. You're kind of blurry. Do you mind adjusting your floo settings so we can see you?
Harmony: That's my security system. Only recognized floo connections come through unfiltered.
Pansy: Security system? So you must be someone important.
Harmony: And busy. How can I help you?
Pansy: Are you familiar with our show?
Harmony: No. Did I win something?
Pansy: Maybe. We recently got an owl from a wizard named Lucas who said you went on a blind date. He thought things went really well, but says you won't answer his owls.
Harmony: (sighs) Look, I'm not sure I want to talk about it on the radio.
Pansy: I understand, but he asked us to floo you and try to find out what went wrong. He'd really like a second date with you and is willing to make up for whatever he did to offend you.
Harmony: He didn't do anything wrong really. It was a perfect date. He was perfect. I'm just not sure we're looking for the same things.
Theo: Harmony, he also mentioned that you knew each other in school and didn't get along.
Harmony: (laughs) That's putting it mildly.
Theo: Is that why you don't want to see him again?
Harmony: God no! He apologized a long time ago for all of that and I forgave him.
Theo (aside): She's using muggle expletives! It really is her!
Pansy (also aside): Oh, this is too good!
Harmony: Are you still there?
Pansy: We are. Just a little technical trouble. You said you think you're looking for different things, so you must have discussed what you're looking for in a relationship. What differences came up?
Harmony: It wasn't anything we talked about. It was something that happened when he went to get my coat. I really don't want to embarrass him, though.
Pansy: I respect that. But he did reach out to a radio show, so I don't think he's trying to hide anything.
Harmony: Okay, I'll tell you. When he went to get my coat, his fiance came to the table.
Theo, George, and Pansy: What!?
Harmony: Yes! She said to have my little fling, but that I should know that she and Dra.. Lucas were just on an agreed upon break. She said they would be getting married in December when he got this nonsense about needing some space out of his system.
Pansy: I don't know what to say.
Harmony: I understand that different couples have different rules. I'm not judging. But I'm at a point in my life where I'm looking for something permanent. I don't want to be someone's casual fling.
Lucas: Astoria and I have been over for 2 years! It wasn't a break; it was a break up.
Harmony: Draco Malfoy! Have you been listening this whole time?
Pansy: Draco! I knew it was you!
Draco: Fine! It's me! Are you all happy now?
Theo: I have literally never been happier! Draco Malfoy admitting before the entire wizarding world that he's smitten with Hermione Granger.
Pansy: And don't try to deny it's you, Granger! Everyone who went to Hogwarts with you is familiar with the shrill screech that just left your mouth.
Hermione: I'm not shrill!
George: Not to interrupt, but we've just received an owl from Narcissa Malfoy that says “That's my son, Draco. He's been in love with Hermione Granger since he was 15 and I’d wager my favorite diamond ring that the girl he's talking to is her. I really hate to resort to these bourgeois methods, Draco, but I can't bear another family dinner with you pining and moping. So dramatic! Just like your father. And while I've got your attention, please don't be late for your birthday party this Saturday. Miss Granger, if he asks you to accompany him, you are more than welcome."
Pansy and Theo: Aaaaaaw!
George: And we've just received another owl from none other than Harry Potter himself. This one says: "Hermione, I know that's you! And I swear to Merlin if you don't go on a second date with Draco, I'll avada myself. I can't listen to another drunken floo call about his beautiful eyes and his sexy smile. And sometimes, you are a little shrill. I'm sorry."
Draco: I hate all of you. Not you, Hermione.
Hermione: You're really not engaged?
Draco: I'm not engaged.
Hermione: Oh, Draco! I'm so sorry I didn't answer your owls.
Draco: It's ok. You couldn't have known.
Hermione: I feel terrible!
Draco: Please don't feel bad. I'm actually relieved that it was just a misunderstanding.
Theo: Soooo.... we always have to ask, though I'm sure I know the answer this time, Hermione would you like to go on a second date with Draco?
Hermione: I would love to.
Theo: Normally, we offer to pay for the second date, but I think Draco can afford to pay for it himself if he bypassed the waiting list for Bestat.
Draco: Of course I can, peasant.
Theo: Now, there's no reason to sulk. Enjoy your second date and we’ll see you Saturday. Don't expect a birthday gift- getting you Granger is your gift.
George: Nonsense. We're giving him one of the twins as a gift.
Pansy: I've been asking for one of the twins for ages!
Hermione: Draco, my floo is open.
Theo: Ooo la la, Draco! her “floo” is open.
Draco: Bye Pansy. Bye George. Theo, fuck off.
*floo static
George: And that's how we do it folks. If you've had a great first date, but can't get a second, owl us here at the station. Love might be just a floo call away.