I Just Don’t Understand
The day James Potter died and Sirius Black was sent to Azkaban, the world seemed darker. The sun never showed its face, the sky poured down like it was in mourning, and Remus Lupin did not leave his bed. As soon as he got the call that James was murdered, Remus unplugged his telephone and crawled under his blanket. It was weeks before the next full moon, but his whole body felt like it was burning, yet his heart felt ice cold. It was almost like the moment Sirius entered Azkaban, Remus felt it too.
Remus knew Sirius couldn’t have killed Lily, let alone James and Peter. Sirius was able to hold himself in a duel, but anyone who knew him knew how impossible it was for him to use an unforgivable curse. "You have to mean it, boys," Alastor would say. And try as he could, Sirius could never mean it; none of the four boys could. "What a sweet puppy," Lily would say, ruffling Sirius’ curls. "How absolutely precious," Marlene would chuckle. But then James would beam and say, “We marauders are meant to protect, I guess, not built to do harm!”
On this day, Remus feels like he could do some harm. Whoever framed Sirius, Remus could kill. Whoever killed James, Lily, and Peter, Remus could torture. Whoever decided Sirius wasn’t worthy of a trial, Remus could possess. He could force that person to drown themselves in the black lake and feed themselves to the giant squid. But today, Remus lay in bed, hoping to wake from this nightmare.
Of course, it was not a dream. Remus woke the next day to more rain, but a determination in him to figure out what needed to happen to get Sirius out of Azkaban and what he could do to help with Harry. After walking to Sirius’ room in their shared flat, Remus found a pair of dress robes in perfect condition, only a little short on him but he would make due. Remus couldn’t hide the scars that were carved into his skin, but he could dress the part of a pureblood. Combing his hair back with some of Sirius’ gel, Remus looked in the mirror and saw a stranger staring back. A put-together, professional 22-year-old man. Taking a shaky breath, Remus left the flat and headed to the Ministry of Magic.
Since Sirius had been working as an auror, Remus was aware of the employee entrance to the ministry and chose to take that today, hoping to be able to be seen faster, but this was not the case. Ministry of Magic closed to all non-essential personnel for celebration of the death of Lord Voldemort at the hands of Harry James Potter.
Remus’ anger was rising in him swiftly as he was closer and closer to losing his steam. Not being able to speak to the Minister was always a possibility, but not even being allowed in the building? The next person on his list to visit was Dumbledore, but as he hadn’t planned for a trip to Scotland, Remus had to take a floo to Hogsmead.
After stepping out of the fireplace in Rosemerta’s back room of the Three Broomsticks, Remus felt his breath leave him. Sitting at a table facing away from the fireplace, clad in all black, was Sirius. The curls falling around his face, the leather jacket, the pale fingers clad in silver rings. It was Sirius Black, Remus was sure. He stepped forward, intending on turning the man around and pulling him into his embrace, only to stop himself when he saw the man in question wave to a younger girl who just walked in the front door. This wouldn’t have normally stopped him, except that when the strange black-haired man lifted his arm into the air, it was clear to everyone in the bar that it was a prosthetic. It appeared the man was missing his left arm from his elbow down, and you could see the long, white scars on his other arm as though an animal attacked him—scars similar to the ones that Remus was covered in. Remus let out a small breath he didn’t realise he was holding and, without looking back, walked out the door.
On the trek up to the castle, Remus felt his heart break as he remembered all the moments he shared with three people he’d never see again. The bench where he used to sit with Lily and talk about how much they hated being outsiders. The werewolf, the muggleborn. Where Remus told her he loved Sirius, and she told him about Mary. Where they held each other when the war started taking their friends. Now she is a friend who was taken too soon.
The shack appeared next, and Remus felt tears falling down his cheek as he remembered the first time he found James and Peter turning back from their animagus forms after a full moon. Peter, not quite losing his tail fast enough, James with hooves. Both boys apologised for not telling him sooner, and Padfoot ran over to curl up on Remus’ legs, begging with his eyes for forgiveness. The boys never needed his forgiveness, though. He was just honoured to be loved that much.
The Womping Willow, where so many bad memories came from, so much pain from betrayal. Remus would have taken that pain again a million times over just to look into those blue grey eyes again.
As Remus neared the castle, he realised he probably should’ve owled to let Dumbledore know he was coming. Instead, Remus pulled out his wand and, after a moment of searching for a happy memory, he summoned his patronus. Only this time, instead of the wolf he was used to, Remus’ patronus was a large black dog. Remus fell to his knees and put his hands out, hoping for a moment to feel the soft hair of Sirius between his fingers, but only feeling the slight tingle of magic that the patronus charm leaves. Sighing, Remus sent the dog to Dumbledore, with a message telling him to expect Remus in his office in the next 20 minutes.
After climbing the stairs to the third floor, Remus stood in front of the gargoyle guarding dumbledores office. Remus didn’t realise he didn’t have the password and was about to summon his patronus again to let Dumbledore know he’d arrived when the staircase opened. After walking up the stairs into the office, Remus found himself sitting at Dumbledore's desk.
“I was expecting you, Mr. Lupin, but I was not expecting to see your patronus having changed. If I remember correctly, and usually I do, that would be the same patronus as Mr. Black.” Dumbledore says, not unkindly.
“I’m not here to talk about my patronus. I’m here to talk about what I have to do to get Sirius a fair trial. We know he didn’t do this. You and I both know he didn’t do this. Why isn’t he on trial?”
“Mr. Lupin, I know this may come as a surprise to you, but I DID try everything to get Sirius a fair trial. Unfortunately, as far as the ministry is concerned, Azkaban was the lighter sentence. If it weren't for me and a few other order members, Sirius Black would've gotten the dementors kiss before he even got off the ferry. I don't know what exactly was going on between the two of you when he supposedly committed his crimes, but unless you can tell me, with full certainty, that he was WITH YOU at the time of the murders, I’m sorry, but there is nothing I can do. My hands are tied. The best. Can do is try to get you a meeting with him, a chance to say goodbye.”
Remus didn't realise he had started crying until. He felt Albus put a handkerchief in his hand.
“I am so sorry for all of your losses, Remus. I am so, so sorry.”
“What about Harry? What is going to happen to him? Sirius and Alice were his godparents, but with Alice being... incapacitated, who will he go with? I have the flat, and even though Sirius is gone right now, he and I share an account for muggle money, and it has more than enough in it to cover the two of us for a good long while. Or will he go with Augusta like Neville? I don't mean to be rude, but that woman can barely handle one child, let alone two. I know Lily has a sister, but she is atrocious and so anti-magic you’d be sending Haz to be stripped of all the love and joy he deserves. What can I do, Albus?” Remus finished, breathing heavily from his anxiety and fear, knowing what kind of horrors might find Harry in the Dursley household.
“Fortunately, Mr. Potter will be going to a safe place, with an order member that had been predetermined by James and Lily prior to their going into hiding. I made them make a list in the event that something would happen to them, and while you were higher up on the list, I need to emphasise that you are a target Remus. The ministry will do anything to keep Sirius Black in prison, and you will do anything to save him. So he is with the next person on the list that is currently alive, and he is going to be in hiding for the next 10 years, or until his guardian feels it is safe for him to come out of hiding. It is in all of our best interests, Mr. Lupin, that you do not seek him out. I will keep you updated on his health and wellbeing, and I will even see about his guardian sending you updates as well, but for now, make finding a loophole and freeing Sirius your priority.”
Remus fought everything in him to beg for the name of the person who would be raising Harry, but knew it would be futile. Remus agreed to stay out of the affairs of Harry Potter and stood to leave.
“Before you leave, Mr. Lupin. Mr. Black’s Gringotts account has you listed as his beneficiary in the case of his death or his incarceration. This is for you.” Albus slid a key across his desk. "Use it wisely.”
“Please set up a way to deposit 1000 galleons into Harry’s guardian's account each month for me. It’s what Sirius would want and what Haz deserves,” Remus said, gripping the key tightly in his hand.
“Of course, Mr. Lupin. I will be seeing you.” Dumbledore said, standing to signify the end of this meeting.
“Albus, is it okay if I stop and see Minnie before I go?” Remus asked, realising that the moment he left the castle was the moment he would be heading to the empty loft.
“Remus, you are welcome to stay as long as you need. If you choose to stay the night, have Minerva point you to one of the unoccupied heads dorms. You are always welcome at Hogwarts, as long as you need.”
With that, Remus walked down the stairs and towards Gryffindor Tower, where Professor McGonagall’s personal quarters sat. Knocking only once, Remus heard footsteps through the door and felt his heart ache when the door opened to reveal a teary-eyed Minerva Mcgonagall.
“Oh Remus! Oh, I was just thinking of you,” and Minerva pulled him into a tight hug, making him feel like a kid again.
“Minnie, I don't know how to live without them. I dont know how to be worthy of living without them. I can't remember what it's like to be happy in a world without James and Peter. I can't remember what it's like to not be loved by Lily and—” but Remus couldn't finish speaking because he was choking on his words, the sobs coming from his throat overpowering him before he could speak.
“Mr. Lupin,” Mcgonagall admonished softly, “There is not a world where those four would ever want you hurting. You are worthy of love, and you are loved. Just because they’re,” Mcgonagall shuddered and let out a small sob, but stopped her tears, "gone doesn't mean they don't love you. The world will be less bright without James Potter to shine his light on everyone. The world will be less mischievous without Peter Pettigrew. The world will be less kind without Lily Evans. But the world will not stop, because somewhere out there, Harry Potter lives. And that is what we live for. We live for what they gave their lives for, for the future.”
Remus continues to cry, and Mcgonagall comforts him the best she can, and in her arms, Remus almost feels Lily’s tender hands on his cheeks, wiping away the tears.