Cauchemar

Remus was just getting ready to finally go to sleep, having stayed up rather late after he once again lost track of time while reading. It wasn’t his fault that the book was just so damn interesting! He was hooked, unaware of time passing by up until he noticed that he couldn’t get through a page from yawning so much and his eyes were watering more and more with every word.

Realising he really damned himself for tomorrow, as it must be very late by now, he quickly put out the lumos he had casted with his wand earlier and silently prayed that he won’t be too tired or sleepy tomorrow to pay attention in class.

He doubted it will work, but whatever, he’ll just braid Sirius’ hair with Lily to try and stay awake at least. He had already messed up, so what use was in worrying about it now? He’ll rather just try to at least have a good nights sleep.

He reckons he must’ve dozed off for a little while before he became aware of the world once more when he awoke to a shuffling sound coming from somewhere in the dorm.

Remus was a light sleeper, everyone knew this, so it was nothing to be surprised about, the fact that the smallest sounds could immediately wake him up. He resisted the urge to groan into his pillow.

His mind sleepily deducted that there were two possible explanations for the situation: either James is currently in the act of sneaking out with his invisibility cloak to go and do whatever (Remus had an inkling what, but that’s neither here or there) or Sirius was up for some reason doing god knows what. Peter always slept like the dead at such a criminally early hour of the night, so that was out of the possibilities.

Remus knows that James likes to sneak out and go up to the Astronomy Tower sometimes with the help of their map. Which also coincidentally happens to be the favourite secret sulking place of the other Black brother who roams the corridors of Hogwarts. Remus has his assumptions about the situation, but he hasn’t yet had time on his hands to figure out what that’s about.

He can’t just ask James because Sirius would definitely flip if he caught word about this, whatever it actually was. So Remus kept quiet and humoured James when he came up with somehow increasingly lame and vague excuses as to where he goes off to in the middle of the night. (“Oh, y’know Moony, I just tend to sleepwalk!” “And you remember to grab your cloak in your sleep?” “..yes.” “..sure thing, mate.”)

If he tried to ask Regulus, he’d just simply get ignored. Sirus’ little brother likes to act like he doesn’t know who they are in front of others or if he doesn’t feel like acknowledging them, which is almost always the case.

Remus is not gonna waste his time on trying to get that brooding little shit to tell him anything or even engage in conversation with him, life is too fleeting for that. Although he thinks they would make good friends, against all odds. Still, currently he doesn’t have the energy nor the will to deal with a stuck up and perpetually moody Tiny Black.

And if he ever mentioned that idea to Pads, he might actually loose it and hex someone. It probably wouldn’t be Remus himself, so it wouldn’t be his problem per se, but if Sirius gets Prongsie and they start fighting things can get ugly really quickly. Those two, attached at the hip at all times, probably platonic soulmates, can’t handle two hours apart usually. When they fight, it’s hell on earth for everyone involved. And James somehow always gets himself involved, so it’s best to not bring up Baby Black in front of either of them.

Anyways, Remus can make out James’ snoring amidst the shuffling, so chances are it’s not him. He sounds like a damn toad. Is it fair to cast a silencing charm on someone else’s bed? Remus is getting close to that point.

That leaves him with one possible culprit.

Sirius must be awake then. That’s not good.

Sirius, much like Peter, tends to sleep like he was knocked out with a hammer on most nights. He does stay up late sometimes, but not this late. If Sirius is awake after about 1 am and James isn’t, then something is wrong. Years of knowing each other have taught that to Remus.

Sirius does have some sleepless nights at times, when he just stares at the ceiling in the dark and waits for morning to come. Remus knows this because he told them once back in first grade, when James demanded Sirius to tell them why he looks like he’s half-dead even though he supposedly slept for at least 8 hours. Pads was probably too tired to dodge the question like he usually expertly does so when they ask about anything remotely related to his wellbeing, so he actually answered them for once. He hasn’t made that a habit afterwards either, of course. Remus thinks all their lives would be easier if he had, but he’d never force him.

If Pads isn’t ready to tell them about whatever keeps him awake at times, or what makes that distant look appear in his eyes, then they’re not gonna pester him about it and they sure as hell not gonna hurry him to open up. They’d never risk hurting Sirius, and Remus knows more than anyone that talking about some personal matters and memories can be painful.

So Remus is aware that that happens sometimes. He never knows when to expect it, and he hates it, because that means he can never help in time and can only see the aftermath. Sirius prefers not to talk about these occasions, and if he doesn’t seek them out, they don’t mention it either.

Remus was starting to worry. He was just debating whether or not to approach the other boy when he heard some more shuffling, then footsteps coming his way. He held his breath.

The curtain to his bed was pulled to the side a little, as if someone was about to enter, but then the person moved back and silence set once more. Remus’ brows creased in confusion. Why wasn’t he coming in?

“Remus? Are you awake?” His voice was quiet, sounding timid in a way he’s never heard it before. Sirius is many things, but shy certainly isn’t one of them.

Remus’ stomach dropped. Something was definitely wrong. Sirius isn’t supposed to call him by his first name. He never addresses him as Remus unless something is very very wrong. Remus’s frown deepened at the thought.

He suddenly longed to hear Sirius’s carefree barking laughter once again. The one he lets out when James does something idiotic to make him crack a smile, or when Pete makes a particularly sarcastic remark about a Slytherin that leaves Sirius on the verge of tears from laughing so hard. Or when Remus decides to put down his book and join them for wreaking havoc, much to their delight, always the mastermind behind their best pranks and secretly the biggest cause for the chaos that ensues.

This Sirius wasn’t like that.

He sounded like a completely different person.

This Sirius sounded so subdued and quiet, so off and entirely unlike himself that it made Remus’ skin prickle. Sirius wasn’t supposed to sound like that.

Remus tried to calm himself down, telling himself that it was only due to it being late at night that Sirius sounded so quiet. He’s just making sure he won’t wake up the others. He’s probably fine.

“Uh- yes. Erm, yes I am.” Remus replied groggily, not sounding awake at all because quite frankly he wasn’t sure he was. Sure, he’s a light sleeper and in theory he wakes up easily, but that doesn’t mean he’s in his right mind immediately upon doing so. Quite far from that, actually. 

He heard a sharp intake of breath from outside his curtains, then Sirius spoke again, voice merely a light whisper.

“Can I come in? Please?”

Why is he being like this, asking for permission as if Remus would ever refuse him? Remus didn’t understand.

They hog each other’s bed all the time, it’s not like Remus ever got mad at him for doing so. And even if he ever tried to send him away, Sirius would simply refuse and sprawl out so that he was taking up all the space, leaving Remus with no other choice than to simply lie on top of him, or push him around until they were side to side while Sirius laid there like a rag-doll with a huge grin plastered on his face.

Remus couldn’t even count the amount of times he walked into the dorm to either James or Sirius napping on his bed without any reason nor a care in the world. Remus would sometimes wordlessly shuffle over to Pete and join him on his bed either to read or to discuss a book, which usually turned into increasingly passionate arguments, because nothing was more fun than arguing about books and plots and characters with Wormy.

He can match Remus’ energy quite well and when they get into it, suddenly it’s the two of them who are the loudest in the room, yelling and laughing and throwing pillows at each other while simultaneously having an actually intellectual conversation. It’s one of Remus’ favourite activities. And seeing the look of shock appear on James and Sirius’ face at their quiet friends unraveling is pure joy every time.

Furthermore, while on the topic of hogging beds, James especially loves to snuggle in next to Sirius and attack him with cuddles whenever they get dramatic together over something that happened during their day or start the planning process for a new future prank. They didn’t ask for permission about these things, as it was naturally granted.

Or so Remus had assumed, he wasn’t so sure about anything right now. He felt like the ground was pulled out from underneath him and he was left without any sense of balance, in the risk of falling if he wasn’t careful.

“Of course, Pads. C’mon, get in..- ugh sorry, sorry, I’m just not awake yet. No, don’t just sit there, c’mere, get under the covers you idiot. Can’t sleep?”

Remus pulled up his covers so that the other could slide in next to him, which he did, albeit with some hesitation. Once again a clear sign that something was wrong. Sirius never hesitates, probably to a fault.

Their bodies weren’t touching but Remus could sense how tense Sirius was. His hand was reaching out on an instant to pull the smaller boy close against him to try and comfort him as best as he could. However, his hand froze mid-air. Sirius doesn’t always deal well with touch when he gets like this. Remus doesn’t know why, or what triggers it, and it’s honestly unsettling.

Thoughts flash through his mind. Is he afraid we’d hurt him? He can’t be. Why would he think anyone here would hurt him?

Did someone hurt him before, to make him react like this?

Remus is not an idiot. He can see the signs. But he tries not to assume anything until Sirius is ready to tell them. If ever. Remus secretly hopes he will, rather sooner than later. He can’t stand to watch him hurt alone. To watch him shut them out.

But Sirius is here right now, isn’t he? Reaching out for the first time. Remus lets out a breath.

Knowing all of that, the last thing Remus wants to do is to scare him or make him uncomfortable. He couldn’t cope with seeing Sirius afraid of him.

(The last time Sirius got like this, he flinched away from James once. James cried in Peter’s arms for hours. Sirius looked like he was going to be sick. He was jumpy for the next few weeks. Yeah, Remus absolutely can’t deal with that ever again.)

So he quickly pulls his hand back and clasps his hands together to make sure they won’t reach out again on their own accord. He waits patiently for Sirius to settle down and speak up. But if he won’t, he’s fine with silence too.

With the two of them silence has never been uncomfortable.

“No- I mean, not really-“ Sirius took a shuddering breath to ground himself. His voice shook as he spoke again. “Nightmares. Today, at least I managed to fall asleep, but then..”

He trailed off, as if reminded of something and now Remus doesn’t feel like letting the silence settle between them. He doesn’t want Sirius to get lost in those thoughts. Whatever they may be, they brought him here like this, they got him in a state like this, shaking, here but then again not really. His voice sounded so far away.

“Then you had a nightmare.” Remus finished for him sympathetically. After a moment of consideration he cast a silencing spell at the curtains, to make sure the other’s don’t wake up to their whispered murmurs. He had a feeling Sirius wouldn’t handle that well.

Sirius didn’t react, except giving him a jerky little nod. Remus rubbed his eyes, trying to get his brain to focus and try to manage this situation the best he can. Sirius needs him.

“Wanna talk about it?” Remus was fairly sure he knew the answer, but he still felt it was necessary to ask and show Sirius that if he ever needed someone to talk to, he was there to listen. Always.

He was fully prepared for Sirius to refuse the offer. To shake his head and go back to staring at the top of Remus’ bunk. Maybe shake himself, as if shaking off the last ten or so minutes and change the subject and act like nothing happened. Like everything was fine. That’s what he usually did and Remus didn’t blame him for it. He must have a reason he avoids confrontation the way he does.

Sirius surprised him when the answer wasn’t an immediate no. He seemed to think it over, which was a first. So far he really always shot them down when they asked him any questions related to family. Remus knew just enough to know that this was probably related to that.

Sirius and Regulus were summoned home about two weeks ago for some urgent family matter that needed their attendance. Sirius seemed genuinely petrified at the prospect of going home.

He was muttering to himself in French the whole evening, seeming a little manic while frantically packing before leaving that same night. They tried their absolute best to offer him some comfort, but it scarcely did anything. None of them had ever seen Sirius so genuinely distressed before.

The only thing that came close to it is how he got when it was time for school breaks. In the following up days he seemed to have to fight to function, jumping at any sound or unexpected touch, dutifully avoiding his brother, not even looking at him if he could help it. His smiles dimmed in brightness, never really reaching his eyes, fading away with each passing day. They would have to drag him down to eat, and even then they’d have to beg him to eat at least a few bites.

He still joked around. He still went on with any prank they’d come up with. He’d still scolded Remus gently for staying up late and let James cling to him when Prongs got worried or anxious. He was still Sirius then, just not nearly as genuine.

Of course, they immediately noticed the shift in his behaviour already in their first year. The first time came as a shock, and then from then on Remus begged him every time not to go home. Offered to stay at the castle with him. James invited him to his home every single time. Pete desperately tried to get him to accept one of the options.

But in the end Sirius always waited for Regulus, then went home. Numbly. Defeated. Like he has already accepted that something horrible was coming his way and didn’t even think of preventing it from happening. Didn’t even try to fight it. Like he had already given up on it a long time ago.

Sometimes, Remus wondered if Regulus spiralled the same way before heading home. It had to be something about that place that made Sirius shut down at the mere thought of going home, or his family. Regulus grew up there too. But then again, it was impossible to tell anything from Regulus’ behaviour. Face always neutral, if not glaring, posture always picture perfect and head held high. A damn near perfect mask, no way to look behind it and see what’s underneath. Remus once heard Sirius mutter “so damn pureblood” at the sight of his brother and he had to agree. Everything about Regulus Black screamed pureblood, and wealth, and rank. Remus thought it must be fucking miserable.

With no other choice, Sirius went home and didn’t come back until a week later. He hasn’t been the same ever since, although he’s obviously been trying to force himself to bounce back to normal. Remus didn’t know what to make of it. Regulus hadn’t come back until days later, which seemed to put Pads even more on edge. He went around the castle and checked if his brother had arrived every single day, getting more and more desperate to find him there with every passing day.

Remus was getting well and truly worried by that point and decided to tag along with Sirius. They walked around the castle together, Sirius’s hands shaking more often than not. Remus tried to ask questions, perhaps against his better judgement, but Sirius looked at him sharply and refused to utter a word about it each time.

He was finding it harder to keep from switching to French on the first few days back and James asked him what that’s about. Sirius, distracted, murmured something about not being allowed to speak English at home.

That made sense, since they’re French, but Remus didn’t like the ‘not allowed’ part. Something didn’t feel right about that. Especially since Sirius sometimes looked alarmed when he caught himself immediately responding in English. Like he was waiting for someone to tell him off for it or something.

That particular situation was gone after two or so days, but the problem with Regulus’ absence remained.

Remus wondered if Sirius has been having nightmares ever since getting back. He’s been distracted during classes, even more so than usual and Remus noticed James letting him nap on his shoulder on more than one occasion. Pete has been offering him an increasing amount of sweets, saying that his lack of energy is positively worrisome and Remus silently agreed.

But then again, Regulus had gotten back a few days ago and in one piece. Remus wished he could read anything off of his face, but it was futile. To him, Regulus looked the same as ever.

Apparently, to Sirius, he didn’t. Sirius honest to god looked like he was seconds away from crying when he saw his brother again. Remus had assumed it was out of relief (it still worried him), but now he’s not so sure. Had Sirius seen something they didn’t? He’s Regulus’ brother, after all, he must know how to read him. Even if they act like they don’t know each at Hogwarts, Remus couldn’t imagine Sirius would be such a cold brother. The brothers must be different at home. God, he hoped they were. But then again, their home was something Sirius avoided talking about like the plague, that must complicate things.

Remus was jerked back to the present moment when Sirius turned to look at him, snuggling just a little bit closer, still with plenty of space between them. Remus felt like he was still entirely too far away, he’d prefer if he could feel his chest rise and fall with his breaths and hear his heartbeat, to know he’s really here and okay.

But if this was the distance Sirius was comfortable with, he’s not gonna get an inch closer or farther.

He hadn’t cast another lumos since Sirius had entered, which meant he couldn’t see the mesmerising pair of gray eyes he adored so much. He didn’t have to see them to know they were staring straight at him.

Sirius let out a shaky sigh, then huffed out a breath. He was struggling to speak about this. Remus was about to intervene and tell him not to force himself when he finally managed to gather up the courage and start talking.

“Moony, I can’t very well talk about this easily. I’m trying, I really am, but-“ He shifted on the bed so that he was looking upwards again as he brought a hand down his face. “No. No, I can tell you about this. A little bit.”

Remus stayed silent, letting him continue.

“I- I have nightmares sometimes. Oftentimes. Especially when I have to go back there and afterwards. I prefer to use a silencing charm, because I couldn’t possibly have you loosing sleep because I keep screaming throughout the night. That’s ridiculous.” Remus could hear the frown in his voice, accompanied by a bitter, humourless chuckle.

He wanted to speak up, to argue because why the hell does he think like that? But Sirius probably sensed his oncoming speech and quickly continued.

“Anyways, I can deal with them just fine on my own. And when we’re at home, and I hear Reggie having one, I always sneak out into his room and sleep with him. Don’t tell him this, but it helps me just as much.”

Not like he would talk to me anyways.

Remus wanted to say a lot of things.

Sirius was talking so casually about having nightmares ‘oftentimes’ which probably meant everyday. Screaming throughout the night, was it? Jesus fucking christ.

Just what the fuck was going on in that house? And Regulus too? So he’s not as unaffected and unfeeling as he pretends to be. Remus isn’t sure he’s relieved.

Sirius often wakes up to Regulus screaming in his sleep and sneaks out to comfort him.

So many questions. Remus has so many questions.

Why are you talking about this like it’s just another Tuesday evening for you?

So you and Regulus are actually close? You’ve got to be. You called him Reggie.

If you’re close, why do you always look like you’re about to hex each other at school?

What the fuck makes both of you unable to sleep without having horrible enough nightmares that you wake up to each other screaming?!

Remus felt an onslaught of emotions. Warmth because Sirius clearly cares about his brother deeply, even if he hides it. This flicker of positivity is immediately followed by a mix of anxiety and concern and confusion and so much more.

Remus truly has a lot to say.

But he doesn’t. Instead, he just says.

“He’d hex me.”

Sirius chuckles, it’s a feeble thing, but it’s there and it’s genuine.

“Damn right he would.” Then he frowned. “He better not ever attempt to do that though, because he’d have me to deal with then.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “As if you’d ever hex him.”

Up till now, he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t. Now, although he hasn’t been dealt with much information, he already knows Sirius would never.

Maybe it was the way his voice sounded so soft when he mentioned him as Reggie. Maybe it’s the fact that he feels safe enough to have a good sleep when he’s with Regulus. Remus doesn’t know, but he’s absolutely certain Sirius wouldn’t do a thing to hurt him.

To be fair, he always wanted to believe the threats exchanged occasionally between the brothers were empty. Well, they were mostly coming from Sirius when he lost his temper with Regulus (which wasn’t always hard, he could be a little shit) and Regulus smiling in glee as Sirius threatened to hex him. Or curse him. Regulus just egged him on before eventually walking away and returning to his usual fun activities which consisted mostly of acting superior and proper with his friends.

“I will one day if he keeps being a little shit.” Sirius grumbled without any real heat. Rather, he sounded fond.

Remus felt like he was about to melt from the warmth erupting in his chest, the anxiety and concern melting away with it for a moment. Soft Sirius might be his favourite Sirius, although he loves all versions of him. Even if that made Pads sound vaguely bipolar.

“Sure you will. Wanna continue?”

Sirius cleared his throat, taking in a deep breath. “Right. So nightmares aren’t anything new, if anything they’re getting a little boring by now. They’re.. they aren’t usually that bad. Or well I suppose they aren’t good either, certainly not pleasant, but.. This time it was different.”

Remus swallowed hard at the strain in Sirius’s voice, like he was trying so hard to keep his voice casual as if they were having a perfectly nonchalant conversation.

He risked a question, knowing it might put an end to the moment, but he felt like this was his best chance to get any sort of answers from Sirius. He already said more than he ever really does.

“What are they usually about?”

He also wanted to delay the topic of today’s nightmare, since it seemed to be particularly shaking and he didn’t want Sirius to get too worked up again.

Sirius took in a sharp breath, no doubt all his defense mechanisms at the ready to be used upon a question like that. There was a noticeable pause in the conversation where neither of them seemed to dare to even breathe.

“They’re normally about.. home. Childhood. Bad memories, then sometimes worse memories. Usually, since I’ve already experienced them in real life it doesn’t affect me that much anymore, but then again the reminder’s not nice. And the pain can be just as bad, amazing how the brain never seems to forget the sensation, isn’t it?” Sirius pondered as Remus just lay there in horror, barely able to breathe.

Pain? Already experienced in real life?

Remus couldn’t stay quiet this time.

“Pads, you know I’ll have to ask.”

Sirius let out a long shuddering breath.

“Please don’t.”

His voice was also quiet, almost pleading.

“Pads..”

“I’ll- I’ll tell you some more. But no details. I can’t talk about the details.” The aforementioned pain was now palpable in his voice, and in the face of it Remus was rendered helpless, unable to say no. 

So he agreed quietly.

“Okay.”

“Right.. So usually, it’s about me, and it’s just the regular. I don’t even know why I scream anymore. I’m truly used to that, and it’s not like I should be able to feel the physical pain that could undeniably warrant that reaction. It’s a bit pathetic, truly. It’s just a dream. Anyways, I still have to ask our house elf to silence my door every night so Reggie wouldn’t wake up and get worried.”

Remus thinks he has stopped processing by now, and it’s probably for the best. If he were, he’d be holding Sirius like a vice by now and would never let him out of his hold again.

They’re hurting him.

The fury he feels at that realisation registers clearly, burning through his veins like molten lava, ready to destroy whoever’s responsible for causing Sirius any kind of pain. How fucking dare they. 

Remus isn’t even sure whether the sudden violently intense urge for vengeance is him or the wolf anymore, because in this case the monster might not want to cause harm to these people nearly as much as Remus does in this moment of livid rage. They hurt Sirius, so Remus wants them to hurt tenfold. Or more.

But then again, he wants to cry at the way Sirius talks about himself with such self-loathing Remus can practically taste it’s bitterness in the air.

The thought occurs to him, that Sirius must not see himself the way he sees him. He doesn’t seem to know just how loveable he truly is, how it’s so ridiculously easy to love him, it would be impossible not to do so. He’s amazing. He’s everything. At least to Remus, he is.

Sirius seems to be of the opposite opinion. Remus can faintly hear his own heart break at the notion.

He doesn’t deserve this.

Did he say he gets his door silenced at his own home so they (his own fucking family) wouldn’t hear him scream in pain? Fucking hell. Who in their right mind would do that if not someone who feels deeply unsafe. In his own home. 

Remus feels a swell of need to protect rise in his chest so strong that it makes him dizzy. He’s too good. Sirius is far too good. Remus knows he tends to forget to protect himself in the face of protecting others.

We need to protect him.

This also means that Regulus doesn’t know about Sirius’ struggles. He can’t help either if he doesn’t know. Fuck. Why does Sirius isolate himself from him too?

Remus can guess the answer to that question. Sirius is the eldest son. The Heir, which is a big deal in a pureblood family, nevermind one as influential as the House of Black. But he knows Sirius doesn’t care about that, not really. What he probably cares about is the fact that he’s the eldest. Which means he probably sees it as his duty or something to keep Regulus safe and out of trouble’s way while he deals with things on his own. That sounds like the kind of thing Sirius would do.

Sirius and James are very alike in that regard. They both have the tendency to take the blame for things they didn’t do (for example, they’ve taken detention for Remus far more times than he could count, usually without his consent).

The point is, they’re overly protective of others and entirely not protective enough of themselves. Admittedly, when it comes to the previous example, it’s truthfully less suspicious if they’re the ones who end up in detention, since they’re, well, them.

But still, Remus is far from a coward and he always enjoys seeing the teacher’s faces morph into something disapproving when they see him in there, showing up for detention instead of Prongs or Pads.

Remus Lupin, outstandingly smart, perfect student, teachers’ favourite (not to mistake for a teacher’s pet), in detention for turning a girl into a ferret before hexing her friends one by one, for example. In his defense, they were teasing Sirius about his eyeliner. (Which, by the way, looked absolutely amazing on him. They could’ve taken their jealousy somewhere else.) The hexes went unnoticed as was Remus’ intent and Sirius and Pete negotiated with the girls so they were aware of the consequences of telling on them.

At times, when the situation called for it Sirius could act like the terrifying pureblood heir he was supposed to be. Lean into his heritage as a member of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black and use all that pureblood knowledge and power he’s been taught since birth to his benefit. He just preferred goofing around. But if needed, he could be plenty intimidating.

When Minnie found them not much later, with a crowd around them making him unable to get away, she wasn’t impressed by the situation, to say the least. Remus was standing in the middle of the crowd with no way out, so he crossed his arms, rather bored if he was being honest, and leaned his back onto the wall.

Mcgnagall didn’t even consider him as a possible culprit at first, which was frankly just insulting. She immediately turned to James and Sirius, pointing a threatening finger at them.

“Mr. Black. Mr. Potter. Which one of you is responsible for this?” She pointed at the little panicked ferret running around in circles.

Remus rolled his eyes as he pulled out his wand and soundlessly levitated the girl-turned-ferret into the air. He smirked as the professor’s eyes widened rather comically together with Sirius and James as they snapped their head up to watch the little animal float helplessly above their heads.

Mcgnagall looked like she was in the process of decoding an enigma (while simultaneously looking like she was about to have a mental breakdown) because none of the two boys had their wands in hand.

Remus sighed. Seriously?

“Right here, professor. That would be my work. You like it?” He raised his hand, as was proper and smirked as he made the little ferret do some somersaults in the air for good measure with his other hand that was holding his wand. If he’s getting detention, he’s gonna at least enjoy his time. It’s only fair, right?

Minnie’s eyes widened impossibly more before narrowing at him menacingly. So many conflicting emotions showed on her face in the second it took her to process. The disbelief lingered. (Again, insulting. He was a marauder, after all. Maybe he needs to step up more often. But detention is so fucking boring.)

At last she nodded her head firmly.

“I see, Mr. Lupin. Would you mind putting Ms. Brown down onto solid ground?” Her voice was icy, but it did nothing to scare Remus.

“Of course, professor Mcgnagall. I’m surprised you let me enjoy myself for this long, are we just gonna keep Ms. Brown like this? I surely wouldn’t be opposed to it.” He said as he waved at the small ferret in what he would describe as a friendly manner. James’s startled laugh told him he might’ve missed that by a long shot.

Minnie didn’t warrant him with an answer and instead turned and casted the necessary counter spells to turn Ms. Brown back into a human.

Remus could see from his peripheral vision that Sirius was about to speak up.

He’s gonna try and take the blame.

Sorry, Pads. Not today.

“Professor, what do you think about my spell work? It needs some more practice, doesn’t it?” He grinned directly at the girl who was insulting Sirius before.

Professor Mcgnagall fumed as she turned around to glare at him, exasperated.

“Mr. Lupin, just what on earth has gotten into you? I appreciate your apparent dire need to practice, but I’d advise you against doing it on fellow students again or you’ll be in detention until the next break.”

Remus put a hand on his heart dramatically, looking at the elderly woman with big apologetic eyes as he put on a very insincerely remorseful tone.

“Oh, no, professor, that would be horrible indeed. I shall promise never to do it again. That is until someone and her friends learn to keep Sirius’ name out of their mouths.” He smiled at them sweetly again, mockingly, before dropping his smile and raising an unimpressed brow at them.

“Mr. Lupin, Ms. Brown, please follow me, the both of you. Everyone else has classes to attend, I believe?”

Remus turned around to send a dramatic kiss in Sirius and James’ way before obediently following Mcgnagall and returning to his normal, quiet and (mostly) polite, perfect student behaviour.

Mcgnagall wasn’t impressed by his half-assed excuses to say the least. (“I was just dutifully practicing that spell we learnt last lesson, professor. Fascinating, I gotta say. Not too easy though.” “Shut it, Lupin. You’re lucky I like you. You’re in detention for the next week. Now begone and stop letting Black and Potter be a bad influence on you.” “Of course.”)

“Hey, Pads?” He spoke up quietly.

“…yeah?”

“Don’t do that. Don’t silence yourself. If you ever need us, we’re right here. Any of us would be more than happy to wake up and be able to help you instead of watching you suffer silently.” Remus said earnestly. He needed to get this through Sirius. He needs to know we’re here for him.

Sirius stayed silent for several long minutes, and as the silence stretched out, Remus feared he had somehow went too far. Only their breathing could be heard, both a little shaken up, a little too quick.

“I don’t know if I should do that, Moons. You shouldn’t have to see me like that. Ever. It’s not pretty, you know.”

Remus closed his eyes. This will take a long time. Sirius apparently has a lot more to unlearn than he ever previously thought.

Remus then turned to look at him. Couldn’t see him. Wanted to reach out and touch him, feel the warmth of his skin. Didn’t dare to reach out.

“None of that matters, Pads. We just want to be there for you.’

He heard Sirius shake his head.

“No, no. I always end up crying, and screaming and saying stuff that I’d rather you not hear. It’s okay, Moons, I can handle it. You don’t have to bother with it.” His voice was quiet again, but determined. Remus hated it.

He just sighed.

“Not a bother, never a bother, but okay. Wanna continue?”

“Should I? I’ve already probably made you uncomfortable with this shit- I mean, I get it. It’s kind of pathetic and-“

“No, Padfoot, none of that. I’m here to listen, remember? If you wanna talk, which I would appreciate, I’ll listen.”

“Okay. Okay.. Where was I?” Sirius wondered out loud, sounding a little distant again as he sorted through memories. Remus couldn’t help but assume they weren’t good memories, so he stepped in.

“Not wanting Reggie to wake up or worry.”

Sirius’ head snapped to him, and that’s when he realised he just used the nickname Sirius has been referring to his brother as tonight. He cleared his throat nervously, about to apologise, but a small and rather sad smile appeared on Sirius’s face as he spoke up before Remus could get a word out.

“Yes. Reggie. He- it kind of has to do with him a little, I guess.”

“How so?” Remus inquired gently.

“They kept him there longer.” The statement came out as a mere whisper, Remus had to strain his ears to hear it. Sirius’ voice broke at the end, like this single sentence was all he could force out.

Remus’ heart dropped for a reason he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

He didn’t know what that meant, but the way Sirius said it told him enough to know that’s not a good thing.

Sirius sounded like he was about to cry, moving up his hands to hide his face in them as his breathing picked up in pace again. Remus started spiralling a little. Should they continue? No, probably not. No, not if Pads is upset. It’s not worth it.

He was just starting to calm down, where did they go wrong? Did Remus push him too much? The thought made his next breath get stuck in his throat.

“Pads, we can stop. In fact, I think we should stop. You don’t have to say anymore. Thank you for telling me this much already.”

Sirius sniffled wetly, a miserable little sound escaped his throat before groaning frustratedly and wiping at his eyes with more force than required. “No, no, I woke you up. The least I can do is tell you why. Merlin, why am I being like this?”

Remus’ hands balled up into fists at the self-deprecating bitter little laugh that left the boy’s lips.

Remus tutted softly. “Nonsense. You don’t owe me anything. Actually, I’m more than grateful you’re here, where I can make sure you’re okay.”

Sirius hummed noncommittally, like he didn’t quite believe him but he didn’t want to say it out loud. Like he didn’t understand why Remus would even say that.

Remus let it be. He will make him understand someday. It doesn’t have to be now. The words were out, he sent them out on their way, and one day they’ll reach Sirius. Remus will make sure they will, no matter what it takes. He will understand why Remus wants him, no, needs him to be okay. Why Remus isn’t sure he could live without seeing him smile anymore.

Silence took place again as both of them got lost in their thoughts. Then suddenly, there was movement and Remus felt a tentative hand touch his, a silent request. He immediately relaxed his hands at the gentle gesture.

He smiled to himself as they locked their fingers together, squeezing the other boy’s hand infinitely gently.

“Is this okay? Can I touch you?” It was a bit of a stupid question, he knew. They were already touching, after all. But he felt like he needed to ask.

He really hoped Sirius would say yes, because he was itching to get his arms around him and hold him properly. So that even if for just tonight, he could make sure nothing could hurt him.

Sirius squeezed his hand back as he giggled lightly and turned toward him so they were face to face in the dark.

“Sure you can, Moons. In fact, hmm, wait.” He drawled out as he repositioned himself so that he was now almost on top of Remus, clinging to him and resting his head on his chest. “Yep, that’s better.”

Turns out they think quite alike.

Remus’s heart soared at the way Sirius said he can touch him like it’s obvious, like he always has the privilege to do so. Sirius now seemed to be feeling completely comfortable and safe, especially compared to before, and Remus felt his head swim at the effect he seemed to have on the boy. Sirius felt safe with him. It was such a simple notion, something that should be a given, really, but knowing Sirius, and getting a glimpse into his background, Remus knew it was a huge thing. It felt like an honour, to be granted with Sirius lying next to him, muscles relaxed and bodies touching.

It was Remus’ turn to chuckle at the satisfied little sigh that left Sirius lips. He hadn’t even realised how tense he himself had been until Sirius closed the distance between them and he felt himself relax with each passing second.

Remus felt a little breathless, but he tried to keep his breathing normal, certain that Sirius would feel the rise and fall of his chest. God, he hoped his heart wasn’t beating too frantically.

He put a gentle arm around Sirius’s waist, holding him close and secure. He could easily fall asleep like this, lulled by the other boy’s soft breathing and surrounded by the warmth of his body.

It was quiet for a while. Remus was ready to close his eyes and welcome sleep, feeling truly content. Sirius must’ve already fallen asleep as he hasn’t uttered a word for the last several minutes either.

Remus was proved to be wrong when he felt the rumble of Sirius’ chest and caught the words that left his lips.

“I don’t care if they hurt me, Moony. I really don’t. But I’m so so scared that they might’ve hurt Reggie. I can’t let that happen. I can take it all as long as he’s safe. As long as they stay the fuck away from him, as far as possible. I have to protect him from them Moony, I have to.”

Remus felt the tears soak his pyjama shirt as a violent shiver ran through the other’s body. He tightened his grip on the raven haired boy and shut his eyes briefly, willing the pressure behind his own eyelids to go away, because he couldn’t afford to loose control right now. He has to be strong for Sirius.

So he asked the question, reluctantly, that has been on his mind this whole night, and perhaps for a while longer now.

Since he saw how averse Sirius is to going home, how sometimes even the word can send him into a spiral. How he’ll never talk about his family, as if his lips were sealed when the topic came up. No indicator as to why besides the haunted look that takes place in his eyes where the brightness shined before, like all the stars had fallen from a previously clear and starry sky.

How he never, under any circumstances would ever mention his parents.

“Your parents? Are they the ones hurting you?” Remus’s tone was equal times gentle and strained, he could barely get the words out through the lump in his throat. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to even get an answer.

Sirius stiffened in his hold, before his body began to tremble. His shoulders shook as he desperately tried to keep the sobs from escaping his throat, but he didn’t make a move to get away from him. Remus tangled a hand into his hair, carding his fingers through it softly in a way that he hoped was comforting whilst it felt like his whole world crashing down on him. This is not the reaction of someone who’s gonna deny that accusation.

Sirius was clinging to him like he was the only thing keeping him tethered to this world, fingers clutching at his shirt and holding him in a vice like grip, like he was afraid Remus would now try to leave if he let him go for even a second. He moved to hide his face in his neck, apologies falling from his lips incessantly as he did so, making Remus’ heart sink deeper with every little stuttered word.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorrysorrysorry-“

Remus’ eyes widened in alarm and he was quick to shush the ashamed mumbles.

“No, no don’t apologise. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. Cry as much as you need, it’s okay. I’m here.”

Sirius shook his head as he clearly attempted to collect himself. He seemed eerily practised in the way he steeled his voice and shook himself out of it in record time. Like a switch had been turned, he was now stiff as a board, only the full body trembles lingered stubbornly. His shoulders were no longer shaking, his body was no longer wrecked by the force of his previous sobs. Remus was horrified at the display of such iron discipline, such control over his emotions. How many times had he done the exact same thing to keep himself from breaking down?

“N-No.” Sirius cleared his throat and steadied his voice. “No. Crying is a sign of weakness. A Black doesn’t cry.”

The way he said it, it was like the words had been drilled into him. Despite his current state, his voice lacked any emotion whatsoever. Remus felt a chill run down his spine as he scoffed in disbelief.

Who the fuck teaches their kid shit like this?! Remus thought, mildly disgusted and positively angry.

“I’m sorry Padsie, but that’s bullshit. You can cry as much as you fucking want, and I’ll be here to hold you through it. There’s no need to hide it from me or from the others. Understood?” Remus said firmly, wanting to search Sirius’ stormy eyes, but the dark made that task impossible.

“…yeah. Still, it won’t happen again, promise.”

Remus sighed deeply, out loud this time for the other to hear his exasperation. He knew it wasn’t Sirius’ fault, but rather his presumably fucked up upbringing was to be blamed for his way of thinking, but it still bothered Remus nonetheless.

“How do you go practically living with James Potter for almost three years now and still manage to think like that? That boy tells you he loves you at least five separate times a day. Do I need to talk to him and tell him to step up his game?”

Remus raised a brow, only half joking, and felt Sirius shake his head fondly in turn.

“Prongsie is like that with everyone. He was just singing a little song he wrote about you the other day, remember? Kept singing it all day, it drove Pete and the girls mad.”

Remus laughed at the memory. James had indeed done that a couple days ago. It was the start of the week so there was not yet a chance to get into detention, and therefore James, the poor chap had to find other ways to entertain himself than annoying Minnie. Sirius was out somewhere with Mary (Remus was not jealous, that’s very important to note.) and Pete was studying with his Ravenclaw friends.

Which left Remus to be the obvious and only logical target. Moony had tried to shoo him away but to no avail. That whole fiasco resulted in the song about him, or more like an unprompted serenade to him which had made its way through the school by now. He swears he has even heard some teachers humming it in the hallways.

Moony, my mate’s always readin’
Still so charming, always gleamin’
Fittest fella in the school,
Even more charming than a Nimbus broom!

Moony my mate is the best,
When our brain’s are put to test,
He’s the one we all look at,
Without him we’d all be dead.

Padsie, my mate don’t get mad,
But Moony’s hair is where it’s at,
When sunshine hits it I think I might,
Mistake it for Heaven’s light.

Moony’s eyes are just so clear,
Clearly the colour of Merlin’s beard,
Beauty and brains all at once,
Moony my mate you have my love!

“Yeah, I was reading that book I bought on our last Hogsmade visit and refused to give him attention, so he did that to entertain himself, that idiot.”

“Shut up Moons, you loved it. Don’t even try to deny it.” Sirius poked him in the chest accusingly.

Remus nodded solemnly. “Almost shed a tear or two.”

Sirius barked out a laugh, one of the bright and genuine kind and Remus’s felt himself melting at the sound. He felt like he might never hear a sound that could sound as beautiful as Sirius’s laugh or giggles. Like nothing could ever compare. He was surprised at the intensity of the feeling.

It felt like a promise, an unvoiced one that he made to the Universe that night. He’ll put his all into protecting Sirius. He’ll be his anchor when the seas get too violent and the waves threaten to take them underwater. He’ll be his air when he feels like he’s suffocating. He’ll be the soft moonlight that appears even on the darkest of nights. He’ll be there, and he won’t leave, no matter what fate brings their way.

He’ll fight the heavens and life itself for Sirius. He’ll stay when no one else wants to. He’ll be there to guard the stars his eyes, his stormy grey eyes that have a whole galaxy of their own. Remus will make sure the light never leaves them. Not on his watch.

And he knows that he’s not the only one who’s willing to go to hell and back for the boy in his arms. James would march against any unknown threat for Sirius, would follow him to the end of the world without either of them having to say a word. James wouldn’t let anyone hurt his friends, ever. He’d risk it all for either of them without ever asking for anything in return. Peter would be right there with him, always a constant presence there to offer silent support and encouragement. He might not be the most vocal about his love for them, but he’s never been a loud person. He doesn’t have to be. They know he cares.

Remus suddenly felt an overwhelming amount of relief wash over him. He’s not alone in this. He doesn’t have to face the task of protecting Sirius alone. Sirius is loved, so so loved and together they’ll come up with something to help him. To help him see himself through their eyes. To keep him safe.

Remus desperately needs Sirius to be safe. It’s not a feeling he can put into words, he just does. The thought of Sirius hurting, especially alone like he apparently does on a regular basis sends shivers down his spine and makes his stomach churn painfully. His heart aches at the thought of Sirius taking so much shit from the people who are supposed to love him.

Remus would do anything to take away Sirius’s pain. But logically, he knows he can’t, so the next best thing he can do is to be there for him. That he can do, and that he will do.

He wills the raging storm of emotions within him to quell. For now, it’s fine. Sirius is okay and he fell asleep laughing softly and smiling against Remus’s neck. He’s safe in his arms.

With that knowledge, Remus can finally close his tired eyes and drift into sleep as well, holding the other boy close to himself.

———————————————————————-

The next day, Remus awoke much sooner than he would’ve preferred to. His alarm came in the form of James Potter, because he wasn’t supposed to have an alarm for this morning, because it was fucking Sunday for Merlin’s sake.

But James clearly had other plans.

“Lads, are any of you awake on this fine morning?”

Remus groaned pitifully. He hates being a light sleeper, right now more than ever perhaps. Like, with a burning passion actually.

He could hear James’s grin from here.

God fucking damn it, Prongs, just let me sleep.

“Moony, dearest, is that thou I hear?”

James started whistling softly and Remus vividly recalled some muggle painter and his innovative ideas regarding ears. It sounded tempting right now.

“‘ll kill you ‘f you wake up S’rius..” Remus mumbled as an answer with much difficulty.

James halted in his steps.

“So pleasant as always- Wait, oh is Padsie asleep?”

The bastard had the audacity to sound actually surprised. Remus wanted to slam his head into the headboard in hopes of successfully knocking himself out and taking the easy way to going back to sleep. The harder way is what he had to take though, it being dealing with an unnervingly cheery James, because unfortunately he’s genuinely terrified of waking Sirius up. Not even because of yesterday’s emotional turmoil or the heart-to-heart they had. That’s not the reason.

Sirius is a nightmare to wake up. If he’s forcefully woken up, he somehow goes back to default typical Black levels of scariness and bad temper and Remus would do anything not to have to deal with that.

“What’ya think, huh? It’s fucking Sunday, for fuck’s sake Prongs, everyone with two working braincells is asleep. Why are you even awake?” Remus whisper-shouted in total despair.

He vaguely heard James walk over to Sirius’ bed. Well, about that-

“What can I say, Mooncakes, I’m a morning person of sorts. So, where the fuck is Padsie? Cause he’s not here.”

If Remus’s eyes were open, he would’ve rolled them right about now. But he’s stubbornly kept them close in hopes of getting back to his precious sleep, so he just sighed long-sufferingly.

He loves James. He doesn’t wanna hex James. James is good, James is friend. Best friend. James woke him up, that fucking- No, no, James is the best. He loves James, so he will not hex him for keeping him up and simultaneously making him loose the sleep he needs so desperately.

It was too fucking early to be having an inner war with himself. One this damn stupid nonetheless.

“Guess.”

James gasped softly, then immediately headed their way, the soft thuds of his socked feet sounding loud in the otherwise silent dorm.

“A sleepover without me? Really, Moony?” James’ handsome grinning face popped up from behind the curtains. “What were you two doing yesterday anyways? You could’ve told me we’re having a slumber party! Do you guys not love me anymore?”

Remus hated the twist of guilt that he felt upon seeing those big brown eyes gaze at him sadly. Damn James and his puppy-dog eyes. Dramatic bastard.

“No. Shut the fuck up or you’ll wake him up.”

James scoffed in offense, crossing his arms as he narrowed his eyes at him. “Fine. I’ll go then. Enjoy yourselves.” He closed the curtains back with a very sarcastic smile and clearly started to walk away.

Remus huffed out a breath, trying to hold onto that semblance of patience he’s managed to save up over the years. Most of his patience was gone with the wind the moment he got to know dumb and dumber, better known as Sirius and James.

“C’mon Prongsie, y’know I’m just messing with you. Maybe I haven’t serenaded you the same way you’ve done to me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you, mate.”

“Sure thing.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, and we call Padfoot the dramatic one.” Remus mumbled to himself in disbelief. At the mention of the boy he glanced down at him to make sure he’s still asleep, which he was, thank Merlin.

Sirius looked so devastatingly peaceful in his sleep, lips forming an adorable pout as he snuggled closer to Remus, squishing his face into his chest. The world must’ve stopped spinning for Remus, cause when he next looked up James was back, standing in front of his bed and looking at them suspiciously.

“Yeah, that explains it.” He said as he gestured towards them, tone annoyed and glasses a little crooked.

Remus really didn’t know what was going on anymore, but he gave up trying to keep up. He was starting to accept the fact that he wasn’t getting back to sleep anytime soon. After going through each of the five stages of grief in the past ten or so minutes he had finally reached acceptance. There was no winning when James was in one of his moods.

He rubbed his eyes tiredly, careful not to jostle around Sirius too much, lest he wakes up and hell comes crashing down on them. Also, as previously stated, Sirius looked unfairly adorable as he slept. Remus wasn’t going to ruin that.

“Explains what, James?” Remus couldn’t have kept the exasperation out of his tired tone if he tried.

James’ face fell a little at the words for some reason unknown to Remus at the moment.

“Doesn’t matter, you just weren’t answering me..” James muttered, tone quickly morphing into something placating as he seemed to be debating something inwardly.

Remus’ irritation bubbled up to the surface. Is it getting closer to the damn full moon again? He’s usually not this pissy, even when his temper gets the better of him.

“That’s your problem? Well, sorry to tell you this, but it’s early fucking Sunday morning and I don’t even know why I’m fucking awake right now. So forgive me if I’m not functioning correctly.” Remus snapped and immediately felt bad about it afterwards.

His patience is gradually wearing thinner and thinner these days with every passing day. It must be the full moon, he’ll have to check the exact date. He couldn’t get himself to do it yet, but he’ll have to start preparing himself mentally or he’ll be in full asshole-mode until the transformation, which isn’t pleasant for anyone around him. He hates it when he gets like that, knowing that he’s giving his friends a hard time, but he can’t really help it. It’s horrible, it’s annoying and it’s literal hell to deal with the aftermath sometimes. Having full-blown drama queens as friends doesn’t help much.

In hindsight, he’s very happy his mood didn’t start truly deteriorating until this morning. Yesterday night Sirius needed him, and he would’ve never been able to forgive himself if he snapped at him at any point. He’d like to think he trusts himself not to go overboard, even on days like this, but it’s hard. The days leading up to the full moon are just so miserably hard to get through.

Remus was yanked back to the present moment when his gaze traveled back to James’ face.

He saw the hurt flashing across James’ face, but it was gone within a second. James took a deep breath, shook his head and then without any warning, he launched forward and laid on top of Remus, occupying the surface that wasn’t taken by Sirius.

Remus would’ve understood if he got angry at him for being snappy first thing in the morning, but this was James Potter after all. The boy with a heart bigger than the universe itself, wearing it all on his sleeve for everyone to see. Remus always admired that about James. How open he was, even if it got him hurt time and time again. He thought it was incredibly brave of him. Being met with James’ kindness in the face of Remus’ shitty behaviour made him feel utterly unworthy of James’ affection, but he didn’t voice that feeling, knowing it would only upset the boy with the glasses further. 

James was mindful of the sleeping boy, so he only really knocked the breath out of Remus in the process but otherwise didn’t move them around too much.

Remus groaned, as silently as he could manage, and tried to catch his breath from the added weight. James was feeling extra considerate because the next moment he rolled off of Remus and tried to squeeze himself to the very edge of the bed, which obviously wasn’t made for three people, but they’ve always made it work.

James then started whispering as he attempted to get comfortable. His space and movement on the bed were very limited, as on the other side Sirius was taking up a generous amount of space despite being tiny compared to the other two, stretching his legs out in whichever direction, his upper body pressed close to Moony with his head on his chest, arms hugging one of Moony’s tight.

“I’m sorry, Moons. Really. I don’t wanna fight with you and you don’t have to hit me with the first name thing with that tone. You know I hate that.”

Remus made a little ‘ah’ sound in realisation. So that’s why he looked so hurt. Remus didn’t even realise what he said and how it sounded until hearing it from James’ mouth.

“No, Prongsie, I should be the one to apologise. You should only be sorry for waking me up this criminally early.”

Remus meant it as a joke, but James started apologising again in earnest, which isn’t what he wanted at all.

“Ugh, c’mere Jamie, I don’t actually want to hear you say sorry. I hate it when you do that, the excessive amount of apologies thing. Especially when I was the one who was an asshole to you, not the other way around.” Remus attempted to push Sirius a little closer to the wall, almost in slow motion because his heart was already beating quicker from the possibility of waking him up.

No, that wouldn’t do. An extra amount of gentleness is required here if they want to live to see the rest of the day.

When he was certain he succeeded, he grabbed James and pulled him onto his other side, manhandling him a little so that he was resting his head on his shoulder, mimicking Sirius.

James yelped at first, but otherwise went willingly. It’s not like Remus could’ve moved him if he didn’t want to be moved, that Quidditch strength is something Remus admittedly lacks, though being a werewolf has its perks too. Still, chances are he would struggle a lot more if he really had to try and overpower Prongs.

“There, there. Okay, Prongsie?” He pat the boys head gently, not unlike he would do with Sirius when he was in his animagus form. Or just in general, Sirius’ hair was seriously otherworldly and at times he generously allowed Remus to play with it. He even learnt some braiding techniques from Lily for these occasions.

“Never better.” James sighed contentedly.

“Wonderful. Ow- Fuck me, y’all are heavy.”

“I’ll have to pass for now, but maybe another time- You know, actually, many would love to have both me and Pads in their bed at the same time, so congratulations. Consider yourself blessed.” James snickered as he put a gentle hand on top of Sirius’ who didn’t even stir. Still, they kept their volume down as they talked.

Remus tried to hold back a snort, with much difficulty.

“I guess I’ve won in life, then. You know this isn’t our first time.” He wiggled his eyebrows at James suggestively. Technically speaking, he’s right. They sleep together all the time. No wonder all those rumours are flying around about them being together.

He glanced down with amusement at James’ hand completely covering Sirius’ considerably smaller one on his chest.

At least half the school thinks Sirius and James have something going on between them. That’s to no one’s surprise at all, especially not to Remus’ who actually knows what they are like behind closed curtains. And they’re way worse when no one can see them. Remus half believes that James is so insufferably oblivious that he doesn’t even realise. On the other hand, he suspects that James simply finds it hilarious and doesn’t care to change or deliberately be less affectionate with Padfoot.

Then again, when the gossip train gets truly scandalous, they add him to the concoction as well, which has to be one of the best sorts of entertainment. When people aren’t suspecting a threesome between them, they notice that Peter and Remus spend a lot of time together, just the two of them. Well, they do, Remus can’t argue with that.

They never cared to deny anything. That would take away from the fun. Sometimes, when there are no pranks or stuck up Slytherins to take care of, they play it up a notch. Holding hands wherever they go, suspiciously whispering into each other’s ears in a purposeful sensual manner (and almost dying from trying to keep a straight face).

They also got into the habit of calling each other increasingly obnoxious pet names. Sirius yells ‘Honeyyy, I’m home!’ every time he’s the last one to get back to the dorms. Nowadays, he’s taken to just saying it all the time. He would be the last one to arrive at dinner and greet them much the same way. (“Jamie, honey, how was your day?” “You sound like my mom.” “But darling, that’s a compliment, you know I love your mom!” “Would you look at that, so do I! We’re very close.” “Shut up, Pete.”)

James likes to play it up a notch. He’d see Remus across the hallway and yell ‘Baby, did you see Sirius? I can’t seem to find him..’ Remus usually just turns around and walks the other way, unbothered. If it’s not Remus, he’ll drag Peter out of the library with ‘Sweetheart, you know Moony’s waiting for us.’

Together with Sirius, they’re insufferable. Remus doesn’t get embarrassed easily, that’s a requirement if one wants to be friends with James Potter and Sirius Black, really, but even he can reach his limits when those two idiots really get into it.

(“Sweet-pea, there you are, I’ve been looking for you all over!” “Missing me already, darling? But you saw me just this morning, don’t you remember?” “Oh, but how could I forget our sweet goodbye, love? I just can’t help but miss you wherever I go.” “For Godric’s sake, stop it you morons.” “Yeah guys, not in front of everyone..” “Pete, you’re not helping.”)

The ‘sweet goodbye’ that morning included Sirius nearly punching James in the face when he attempted to wake him up earlier than strictly necessary. James had to actually flee the scene and run out of the dorm, then quickly leave the Gryffindor tower as a whole to escape Sirius’ wrath. Very romantic indeed.

It got to a point where Lily literally sat Remus down and asked if there’s actually anything between any of the four of them, heavy on Sirius and James, because they can’t tell anymore and they’ve got bets to take care of. She was so honestly confused and genuinely asking that Remus couldn’t get a word out between fits of laughter and wiping his tears.

Anyways, the habit remained between the four of them and the rumours were still going strong. The only thing that kept them from blowing over and actually getting them in trouble is the sheer amount of girls James and Sirius snogged on the regular. That had people confused, because if they’re into girls, which they surely were, then what are they doing messing around with blokes?

“Not our last time, either, dearest.” James looked up at him with a wink, making Remus almost choke on his laugh.

“I surely hope so. How else could I call myself the Casanova of Gryffindor Tower or whatever the fuck, I can’t remember.” Remus’ eyebrows creased in concentration while James tried so hard not to laugh that he nearly ended up crying instead, soft puffs of air escaping his lips as he determinedly tried to stay quiet for Sirius’ sake. And for their own. He didn’t plan on dying today. “No, it’s that, right? I think so, fuck me if I know. Does that come from Spanish, Prongsie? Are they calling me macho or something?”

James struggled to get in a normal breath, voice wet with tears and still uncontrollably chuckling quietly between words as he said “Oh my god, stop Moons I can’t breathe- I didn’t know you knew about that. Erm, it- it does come from Spanish indeed.” He brought a hand up to wipe at his eyes, lifting up his glasses that were digging into Remus’ skin rather painfully as he laid his head back onto his chest, but Moony couldn’t be bothered to care. 

Remus rolled his eyes fondly. James and his black and white world view. “Just because I read books doesn’t mean I’m deaf or dense. So what does it mean, anyways?”

James took a moment to collect himself before talking. “Well, casa is obviously house and nova is new. So casanova is literally someone who has a new house.”

Remus frowned as he thought that over.

“I have no fucking houses, as far as I know. If I do, they should tell me by all means.” He wondered out loud, making James snort and shake his head fondly.

“No, mate. They’re saying you’re hot.” James explained simply, smile growing on his face as he saw Remus’ confusion.

Remus could’ve guessed that, he wasn’t that dumb after all, but he was sure he got something wrong. Not once has he looked in the mirror and thought ‘Yes, very handsome indeed.’ That was Sirius’ brand anyways. When Remus catches a glimpse of his own reflection in the mirror, which he usually prefers to avoid at all costs, the first words that come to mind might include ‘monster’ or ‘freak’, but ‘hot’ definitely would not make it onto the list.

Interesting.

With all his scars and a litany of flaws, Remus tends to think people see him for what he really is. Which is, for lack of a better wording, a monster. His view has shifted quite a bit ever since getting to Hogwarts and getting to know the others. He got used to being showered in constant love and reassurance, and after a while the words seemed to have some kind of results. He no longer got shocked when people wanted to talk to him or sought out his company.

By no means did he reach enlightenment and learned to love himself for who he is or whatever, but that ship had sank a long time ago. It was not a goal he ever had or had any desire to pursue. And that was something none of the others could preach about, because they shared his stance on that, even the sunshine boy in his arms. Especially the raven haired one. Well, that’s kinda sad. 

“Me? Hot? Sure thing.” Remus laughed softly, yelping when James jabbed a finger in between his ribs. “Hey! Stop with this abuse! What was that for?!” Remus whisper-yelled indignantly, clutching a hand over the offended spot.

“You deserved it! Face it Moony, you’re hot!” James scowled at him strictly, pointing a finger at him accusingly.

Remus scoffed, “Sure, sure. I also happen to be Santa Claus, did you know that?” he said in a mock conversational tone and watched as James eyes narrowed at him in annoyance.

“Not funny. You know what else is not funny? How you still think of yourself so lowly when you are easily in the top ten fittest blokes at school.”

“Okay, now you’re just mocking me.” Remus said with an unimpressed glare. He was quickly getting bored with this conversation.

James’ eyes widened in offence, “What? No! You’re just simply hot as fuck, that’s not my fault.” When Remus didn’t even grant him with an answer, he continued, now properly annoyed. “Moony, I’m not making this shit up, any time they make a list of fittest blokes in our grade, you either win or tie with Sirius or me. You just never cared about stuff like that so of course you wouldn’t know. Ask Pads or Wormy and they’ll tell you I’m right.”

Remus sighed, not willing to give the words much consideration. They’re not gonna change his mind anyways. So gentle, good natured lying it is. “Okay, Jamie, I believe you. Let’s drop this topic, though.”

It was James’ turn to scoff. “You’re so annoying. You’re one of the most handsome guys I’ve ever seen, respectfully, and you’re over here being bitchy about it.”

Remus decided to just try and shift the conversation away from him at least, because clearly James wasn’t ready to let the topic go.

“One of? Do I make it into top five?” He inquired, amused and maybe a little curious, but trying to keep a nonchalant tone.

“Easily.” James huffed out a breath, as if even questioning that was offensive to him.

“Mhm, okay. Top three?”

James gulped this time, taking his time to think it over. Remus’ grin was getting bigger and bigger by the second.

“That’s hard to tell. You’d be against Sirius for the third place.” James said thoughtfully in the end, glancing up and down between the two boys as if trying to assess and conclude the winner right this moment.

Remus nodded in understanding, also stealing a glimpse at the crown of raven locks napping on his chest. Sirius was undeniably gorgeous, otherworldly so.

“I’d let Sirius take the third place.” He quipped, not feeling an ounce of jealousy or anything like that. Sirius would be first on his list after all, no doubt about it.

With that though, he halted. Third place? James would only put them at third place? Now that sounds interesting.

His eyes glinted with mirth as he stared down at James. Oh, he’s about to have so much fun.

“Prongsie, dearest, Pads is only third in your book? Who are the other two boys you’re so smitten with?” He teased gleefully, taking joy in seeing James’ tanned complexion flush a little.

James buried his face in his chest.

“I’m not telling you.” He declared stubbornly.

Remus wasn’t deterred as he started thinking out loud.

“Well, we said it’s only blokes, right? So no Lily Evans. I’m honestly surprised you’ve given this enough thought to have a mental list of hottest guys at school. Don’t look at me like that, I didn’t say there was anything wrong with that! Just surprised, is all.”

“Shut the fuck up, Moony.” James grumbled into his chest, unwilling to look up.

“Okay, so what you’re saying is that you want me to guess.” Remus stated confidently, nodding at him as if James wasn’t shaking his head furiously in disagreement.

“Fuck no, stop it you asshole!”

“Okay, so number two, who would that gentleman be? Well.. If my suspicions are correct, this chap would be of the same house as us, fit, plays quidditch, a few grades above us..” He purposely trailed off and elongated the process just to mess with James.

“Stop, Moony, I beg you.”

Remus allowed his thoughtful expression to shift into a grin for just a moment before getting back to business.

“Frank Longbottom.” He said confidently, and smiled wide in triumph when he saw James sigh defeatedly.

“Ugh- Okay, you guessed it, good job. You’ve had your applause, now shut up.”

James had to know Remus wouldn’t let a chance to mess with him in such a wonderful way go to waste.

“Great, so number one-“ Remus started, but he was interrupted immediately.

“Moony, you’ll never guess it, just leave it for fuck’s sake.” James made the mistake of wording it like that, and really, what was Remus supposed to do? Turn down that invitation?

Remus wasn’t no quitter.

“Oh? That sounds like a challenge to me.” He grinned as his mind started reeling with possibilities. No matter how he thought it over, only a certain boy seemed plausible.

“I’m leaving.” James stated as he slipped out of the bed in record speed, dodging Moony’s hand that shot out to grab his wrist and drag him back.

“Prongsieeeeee” Remus whined in complaint, now having to adjust him and Sirius again so that his blanket would cover them both. “Come back, sweetheart!”

“Merlin, I catch you sleeping with Pads for one night and you’re immediately starting to sound like him.” James muttered as he was getting dressed, seemingly getting ready to leave the room.

Remus chuckled at that, before shamelessly whistling and pointing a at a half-naked James. “Looking good Prongster! By the way, if you’re salty because you know I’ll guess who your true love is, just say it.”

James rolled his eyes as he put his shirt on, not being able to keep up a serious facade for longer than a few seconds and cracking a smile in the end. “I’m done talking to you Moons, try to keep it family friendly with Pads until I get back. There are children here.”

Remus spluttered at that and sent James a middle finger at seeing the smug smirk on his face.

“Guys, shut the fuck up, the ‘children’ here want to fucking sleep!” Pete’s tired voice came from behind his curtains and it took Remus and James about two seconds and a single glance at each other before breaking out in a wild and much too loud fit of laughter.

“Moony, stop fucking shaking or I’ll hex you immobile and transform you into a pillow. Jamie, get the fuck out, thanks.”

Despite the clear instructions Remus jumped at the new voice coming from a much closer proximity and gulped when he looked down to his shoulder and met the most devastatingly beautiful pair of grey eyes he’d ever seen. And they were scowling at him. On a closer look, they looked vaguely murderous.

Shit, they managed to wake Sirius up.

Not one coherent word came to him as he stared at the raven haired boy in all his beauty, even as he just woke up and his hair was messier than usual his curls looked almost styled, eyes a little puffy, making him look that much more adorable. How is it that Sirius could just wake up looking perfect?

Thankfully, he didn’t have to talk, James took care of that. “Hey, what the fuck, man? I didn’t even do anything?”

“You’re loud, you’re half of the reason I woke up, you’re lucky you’re not a part of my pillow collection yet. So get out before I kick your ass out the door. Or the window, your choice really.”

Voice not leaving room for argument, tone ice cold and superior, like he owns the place. So utterly fitting for the heir of The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. Remus fought back a shiver.

Merlin, it always took Remus by surprise to see the Black Heir side of Sirius come out. For how tiny and adorable Remus usually found him, in these moments, he was admittedly utterly terrifying. His coldness could rival that of his brother’s, perhaps even worse. Damn, he wouldn’t ever want to get on Sirius’ bad side.

James seemed to be taken aback as well, gulping audibly in the now otherwise silent room.

“What a coincidence, I was just about to leave for a run! Bye, Sirius! Rest in peace, Moony!” He yelled out as he once again bailed and ran out of the their dorm room.

“I’ll go and follow him in a bit.” Sirius muttered sleepily, stifling a yawn as he snuggled closer to Remus, hooking a leg over his waist and properly lying on his chest.

Remus was still cautious, wanting to make sure Sirius wasn’t still in his ‘Black House appropriate’ mode. Despite that he still snaked his arms around Sirius snugly and held him close, enjoying the warmth of him.

“Not to hex him, I hope?”

“What? Of course not. I just haven’t had a chance to play around with Prongster in a while.” Sirius shook his head, as if he hadn’t just terrified them to the core and threatened both of them without hesitation.

“Okay, then.” Remus sighed out a breath of relief.

Sirius took a moment to yawn again.

“What were you two doing anyway so early in the morning? It’s Sunday, for fuck’s sake.”

“Tell me about it.” Remus rolled his eyes. “Prongsie got thrown out of his bed or something.”

Sirius huffed out a laugh, breath hitting Remus’s skin through the thin fabric of his shirt and making his skin prickle with goosebumps.

“Was he here in the bed with us or did I just dream that?”

“Dreaming about us three in a bed, huh? I’ve already said no to threesomes, I believe.”

Sirius smacked him across his chest as he let out a flustered laugh. “No, you idiot! I mean I hope not..” The way he trailed off made Remus throw his head back with a laugh as Sirius continued whining indignantly. “Anyways, I was just joking about the threesomes that time, c’mon!”

Remus faked a heartbroken expression as he let out a long and sad exhale. “Were you? Ugh, that’s too bad, me and Jamie were just planning-“

“Oh for the love of Merlin, shut the fuck up!” Sirius’ amused giggles were in contrast with his words.

“Okay, so this is what it feels like to be rejected. Got it.” Remus said disappointedly, shaking his head slowly in utter despair.

“Oh, wow. You’re actually an idiot.” Sirius exclaimed in mock-surprise, as if the realisation really had just dawned on him.

“Pads, I hate to break it to you, but it’s literally a requirement for becoming friends with you. I had to sign a paper, fill out a test and all to make sure I’m enough of a moron to hang out with you guys. Me being here proves I turned out to be worthy of that title.”

“I’m going after Prongsie.” Sirius declared, clearly trying to appear offended or something, but not being able to wipe the grin off his face.

He climbed out of bed and Remus resisted the urge to yank him back and hold him close. They all could sleep for at least like two more hours. But of course, James and Sirius can’t let him have any peace, ever. That has to be a rule between the two or something, seeing how devoted they are to the task.

Remus laid back on the bed, putting his hands behind his head as he watched Sirius walk around the room and getting ready, much like James had done not long ago.

“Try not to scare James, he’s gonna think you’re still on about hexing him.”

“I would never hex him.” Sirius frowned a little as he attempted to fix his already perfect looking hair. Remus might be a little biased about that, though. He does seem to have a mild obsession with Sirius’ raven locks.

“You did almost punch him a few weeks ago.” Remus reasoned with a raised brow.

“Okay, well that’s different.” Sirius stated, but apparently refused to elaborate.

“Outstandingly convincing.”

“Shut up.” Sirius glared at him before walking up to Peter’s bed once he was done getting dressed. Remus had done his best not to stare.

His gaze traveled to Sirius again when he saw the boy stand in front of Pete’s bed and raise his hand, making a knocking motion at the curtain.

Remus’ eyebrows must’ve reached the ceiling as he stared.

“Did you just try to knock on his curtains?” He asked incredulously.

Sirius turned to look at him in confusion, keeping his hand in place before processing Moony’s words.

“What? Wait, fuck. What the fuck? Anyways, Wormy, we’re going out for a run, are you coming?”

Sirius yelled, voice much louder than necessary, given that Peter could hear Remus and James talking even when they were trying to keep their voices down. Either he’s trying to make Pete go deaf, or he’s an idiot and he thinks that he can yell loud enough for the other boy to hear through a silencing charm.

Remus could hear Peter’s suffering sigh from the other end of the room. “No, Pads. Knock yourselves out.” He mumbled before presumably going back to sleep like any normal person would.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders with a small ‘okay’ and went to get his wand as he turned back to Remus.

“You, Moonshine? Wanna watch me tackle Prongsie?” He asked cheerfully with a toothy grin, as if that’s the absolute best way to spend his weekend. Remus supposed it was in Sirius’ book.

Remus yawned around his hand as he shook his head slowly. “I’ll pass, I’ve been meaning to go back to sleep ever since Prongs rudely woke me up. Please keep each other in one peace.”

Sirius gave him a reassuring smile as he walked up to his bed once again and leaned over him to ruffle his hair affectionately.

“Of course. Where should I look for you when we get back?”

Remus felt the familiar warmth he always felt in his stomach whenever he was with Sirius make an appearance again. His lips stretched into an involuntary smile, not that he tried to fight it.

“If I can help it, I’ll be right here, sleeping. Don’t wake me up again, I’m warning you. Tell Prongsie too. If not, then I’m probably in the library and in a miserable mood so be careful about approaching me.”

Sirius seemed to think for a few seconds, before beginning to nod in understanding. “Ah, yeah, the full moon’s getting closer, isn’t it?”

Remus nodded, surprised by how quickly Sirius caught onto his mood and made the connection. He was always so attentive when it came to Remus especially, Remus is sure he’ll never get used to it. Every little caring gesture the other boy made towards him made his heartbeat pick up and sent his mind reeling.

“I’ll have to check exactly when, though.”

“Next Saturday.” Sirius provided him with the answer immediately.

Remus’s breathing stopped. The world might’ve stopped with it, Remus wouldn’t have noticed. His mind was only occupied with one thought: did Sirius actually memorise the date of the full moon?

“Pardon?” He couldn’t help but keep staring at him dumbly, shell-shocked.

A pretty blush crept up Sirius’ cheeks as he looked away, seemingly a little embarrassed.

“Uh, I- I checked like, a week ago, maybe. You know, just to make sure.” Sirius mumbled, still not looking at him and absentmindedly messing with the four rings now adorning his fingers.

Remus couldn’t resist this time, he yanked the smaller boy closer as he stood up and met him halfway, pulling him into a tight hug.

Sirius tensed, for just a millisecond, barely noticeable, before melting into the embrace.

Remus couldn’t get himself to pull away. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, just- Thank you.”

Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around him, hugging him back warmly as he shook his head slightly. “No, no, it’s fine. And there’s no need to thank me.”

Remus nodded, savouring the feeling of Sirius’ arms around him, his warmth and the scent of his shampoo for just a second longer before forcing himself to pull away.

He smiled at the boy who looked a little dazed before climbing back into the warmth and safety of his bed.

He nudged Sirius with his foot to snap him out of whatever stupor he was in. “Go play chase with Prongs, Padsie. But no biting! Nothing too harsh at least. I mean it. I want to see Prongs come back perfectly well and in one piece, preferably.” He narrowed his eyes at him in warning, fighting back a smile at his scolded expression.

Sirius put his arms up in surrender.

“Okay, okay, I got it. Not like I’d ever hurt him or anything, I just like to mess with him is all.” Sirius mumbled, shifting from one leg to another.

Remus’ eyes softened as resisted the urge to reach out and take one of Sirius hands into his own. “I know, of course. But y’all like to play rough and even though in human form James could probably kick your ass if he wanted, without magic at least, in your animagus forms you’re the one with the sharp teeth and claws, so be careful.”

He explained and chuckled fondly at the indignant expression on Sirius’ face.

“James couldn’t kick my ass, thank you very much. Anyways, okay, I’ll try not to eat him. Go get your beauty sleep, Mooncakes. I think we’ll be back in like an hour and a half. Bisous!”

Sirius waltzed out of the room after sending a flying kiss his way and Remus shook his head with a smile.