Remus had been sad recently and Sirius wasn’t happy about it. But mostly, he was confused, because usually Remus told him about everything, or Sirius could guess. He couldn’t now. Remus was upset. He woke up everyday and looked weight down, as if he was holding the world on his shoulders, and Sirius just wanted to help him holding it. He just wanted to help. Except Remus wouldn’t talk to him about it and denied his sadness with a weak smile anytime Sirius asked him what it was about.
“What do you think is on with Moony?” He asked James one morning after Remus had locked himself in the bathroom, shoulders hunched forward and dark circles under his eyes.
“What do you mean?” James asked back cautiously.
“You’re going to tell me you haven’t noticed how down he’s been looking for the past couple of weeks? You? James Potter?” Sirius cocked an eyebrow at his best friend.
“Well, the full’s approaching.” James shrugged, putting on a sock.
“No.” Sirius shook his head. “It’s not that. The full is not until another week. It has already been two weeks.”
“Maybe he’s heartbroken.” They heard Peter offer from under his covers where they hadn’t woken him up yet, Peter liked to sleep until the last possible moment.
Sirius’ eyes widened and he felt James looking at him but he couldn’t really think about it or look back because he was thinking too fast. Who had dared to break Remus’ heart? Why didn’t Remus told Sirius about it? How long had it been going on? Why would Remus see people and not tell him? Who was it? Why hadn’t Remus told him? Were they keeping secrets from each other now? And more importantly: what could Sirius do?
For the next few days, Sirius observed Remus more intently than he had before, studying the way he interacted with everyone, trying to see if any of them looked like they had made the mistake of rejecting Remus Lupin, if any of them had dared to break his heart. Sirius would tear them apart for they made Remus sad. Why would Remus even date someone who would make him feel bad?
Remus was smart and he could read people like an open book, always knowing things before people knew them themselves, so how could he let someone break his heart? How could he have not seen? How come he didn’t tell Sirius about it?
“Can we talk?” He asked Remus one night while James was at Quidditch practice and Peter with Lucy, a girl he was not dating (he was).
Remus tensed and turned around from where he was folding a few jumpers on his bed. The full was really approaching now and his movements were strained, Sirius tried not to think too much about it, there was nothing he could do.
“What do you want to talk about?” Remus asked, sitting next to his folded jumpers.
“The person who broke your heart.” Sirius said, crossing his arms on his chest, daring Remus to disagree.
Because it couldn’t really be anything else, now that Sirius had thought about it. The way Remus had been acting for almost three weeks now was the same as when Peter had broken up with his first girlfriend in fifth year.
“I beg your pardon?” Remus blinked slowly, eyebrows shooting to his hairline.
“Come on, Remus.” Sirius scoffed. “You’ve been upset for weeks now. You look sad and tired and like someone took your heart out of your chest to squeeze it until it was nothing but little pieces of muscle.”
“That’s oddly graphic.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sirius asked, trying (and failing) to hide the hurt from his voice.
“Because there’s nothing to tell!” Remus threw his arms in the air.
“Stop lying to me!”
“I’m not!”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were seeing someone?” Sirius insisted, not getting why on earth Remus would lie to him. They told each other everything for fuck’s sake!
“I wasn’t seeing someone!” Remus snapped. “I am not seeing anyone!”
“Then why are you so sad all the bloody time?” Sirius bursted, angry now.
“That’s none of your fucking business! I don’t have to tell you everything for Merlin’s sake! You can be so nosy sometimes!”
Sirius reared back, Remus’ words hitting him square in the chest. He took another step back, creating distance between him and Remus. Remus opened his mouth, looking apologetic, but Sirius didn’t want to hear what he had to say and was out of the room in seconds.
It was Peter who found him, they let him keep the map when he met with Lucy.
“Hey.” Peter said, sitting next to him on the cold floor of the secret passage Sirius had chosen as his hideout. “I saw you were here on the map and you don’t usually go hiding unless you’re upset so… want to tell me what this is about?”
Sirius kept staring at the wall, eyes dry because he hadn’t been able to cry. He hadn’t even felt like crying. He just felt very profoundly empty.
“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Or I can go fetch James–”
“Do you think I’m nosy?” Sirius cut him off, turning to look at Peter.
The shorter boy’s eyes widened slightly, “Why that question? Does it have something to do with Remus?”
“How do you know it’s about Remus?”
“Saw him pacing on the map.”
“He shouldn’t be pacing.” Sirius frowned. “We’re too close to the full he’s going to tire his–”
“Sirius.” Peter interrupted him gently. “What happened?”
“I just wanted to know who broke his heart.” Sirius said, voice strained. “I just wanted to know why he looked so sad and tired, to help him feel better.”
“And he told you you were nosy?”
“Do you think I am?”
Peter looked at him for a few seconds then sighed, “I think you’re a gossip, and you like knowing about people’s businesses.” He shrugged and Sirius felt his heart going up his throat. “But I also think you care a lot, and that’s not something bad. That’s not being nosy, wanting to know why your best friend is not at his best. That’s love.”
“Love.” Sirius repeated.
“Yes. It comes hand in hand with care.”
Sirius hummed and leaned his head back against the wall. He took a few deep breaths in and then smirked, “So, it is not nosy of me to ask how are things going with Lucy?”
Peter groaned.
***
The full moon passed and then another week and things were still cold between Sirius and Remus. Sirius was vexed and, even if he weren’t, Remus wouldn’t talk to him. So they didn’t talk, and Sirius acted his best to pretend like it wasn’t bothering him. Obviously their friendship wasn’t as important for Remus as it was for him, he shouldn’t care. So he didn’t. He definitely didn’t care.
“When are you and Moony going to be in speaking terms again?” James asked him one afternoon as they were seated in the common room.
“We’re not in non-speaking terms.” Sirius retorted.
“Right.” James said, dragging the R. “That’s not why you’re all mopey then.”
“I’m not mopey!”
“Padfoot.”
“Prongs.”
“Go talk to him!”
“No!”
“Why?” James almost whined, eyebrows drawn together.
“Because he won’t talk to me, so fuck it. I don’t care. If he doesn’t want to talk we’re not going to talk.” Sirius shrugged.
“Sirius.”
“James.”
“You care.” James said, never looking away from Sirius. It made him a bit itchy, as if James could see right through him. He probably could.
“No. I’m totally fine with not talking.”
James scoffed then, “Alright. If you say so.”
And really, he was, why wouldn’t he be?
The next person who came to him about it was, surprisingly enough, Lily Evans.
“What d’you want?” He asked as soon as she had seated herself next to him in the sofa he was occupying in the far corner of the common room.
“That’s kind of a rude way to start a conversation, don’t you think?” She said lightly.
“Did I offend you?”
“Stop acting like a prick.” She rolled her eyes. “You’re not half as bad as you pretend to be.”
“I’m not sure if I should feel insulted or not.”
“This is about Remus.” Lily said, not one to walk around the pot very long.
“What about Remus? Is he alright?” Sirius shot upright, because he might not care about them not talking, but he still cared about him.
“He misses you.” Lily said nicely.
“He has a weird way of showing it.” Sirius huffed, thinking about Remus avoiding him in the corridors, Remus not looking at him in their dorm, Remus sitting diagonal to him at every meal.
“He won’t admit it.” Lily sighed, looking around. “But I know he does.”
“He won’t admit it because he doesn’t miss me.” Sirius rolled his eyes, tired of this conversation already. “He’s the one who doesn’t want my friendship, to hell he can go, I’m not going to chase after him.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“To chase after him?” Sirius cocked an eyebrow at Lily.
“That he doesn’t want your friendship.” Lily said, and Sirius had to admire her restraint at not rolling her eyes at him.
“He made it clear enough.” Sirius crossed his arms on his chest before changing his mind and turning to Lily. “Listen, if Remus really misses me, he’ll come to me. Oh, and don’t try helping him too much, he’ll only snap at you and push you away.” With that he left her behind, going up to his dorm and locking himself in the bathroom, not sparing a glance at the startled Remus seated on his bed.
***
Sirius was known to hold quite the grudges, and, true to his reputation, he didn’t talk to Remus once in two weeks. He could have went on, he really could have, no matter how much it weighed on him, just because he could, just because he was petty, and really because Remus didn’t seem to care. He didn’t care about not talking to Sirius so why would Sirius fucking care? He didn’t. So he kept not talking to him. Because he didn’t care.
“This is getting tiring.” James told him while conjuring another fake cobweb into the corner of a portrait (the woman yelped and left).
They were decorating for the Halloween party taking place that night and now Sirius felt like he walked right into a trap. Maybe he should have said no when James asked him if he could help him with the cobweb.
“What is getting tiring?” He asked innocently, adding a spider web in turn.
He saw James rolling his eyes from the corner of his own but didn’t turn to look at him, “You and Moony. Not talking.”
“Tiring for you.”
“Tiring for everyone. You two first.”
“Told you. I’m fine with it. So is Moony.”
“He’s not.”
“Did he tell you so?” Sirius fought the urge to roll his eyes. He knew Remus didn’t–
“Yes, in fact, he did.”
“Right.” Sirius clicked his tongue. “You know, you used to be a better liar, Prongs.”
“I’m not lying.” James frowned. “Why would I lie about this?”
Because Remus had been distant even before they fought. Because Remus hadn’t tried to talk to him since they fought and he was the one telling mean things to Sirius, it was their rule, the one who was the meanest had to apologise and Remus didn’t apologise, so it had to mean he thought it wasn’t worth it, it had to mean he was better off without Sirius as his friend. Because Remus didn’t look at him and why wasn’t he looking at him? He used to look at him, he used to look at him all the time.
“He doesn’t miss me.” He said simply, because explaining everything was too hard.
“But why are you so certain of it?” James whined and he looked so sad too.
“Just– just let it go, Prongs. Forget about it.”
Sirius was almost sure he had never seen James looking so defeated.
***
Sirius was properly pissed by ten and a half, and it had nothing to do with Remus and him not talking. And it had absolutely nothing to do with Remus talking to some girl dressed up as Dorothy. What kind of stupid arse costume was it, Dorothy? It was stupid and the girl was stupid and Remus was stupid for talking to her and not to him.
“Go talk to him.” Was what Peter chose to greet him with.
“No.” Sirius mumbled in his drink, not even bothering to deny the fact he had been staring at Remus.
“Sirius, it’s been weeks!”
“I don’t care. I didn’t make it happen.” He said and promptly walked away. He went to sit at the bottom of the stairs, thinking he would still be able to see Remus from here. He couldn’t but what was even the point of trying to see him if Remus didn’t want to see him. He downed his drink and leaned his right shoulder against the wall, staring out at the party he didn’t even feel like being a part of. Slowly, he felt himself sobering, watching Peter and James dance together, trying to convince Lily to get up on the table with them, watching Marlene make a move towards Dorcas Meadowes and thank fuck for that, he was getting tired of listening to her complaining about not talking to the girl when she wasn’t trying to talk to the girl, watching Mary doing shots with a brown haired Hufflepuff.
He had been there all alone for a minimum of fifteen minutes when someone came sitting next to him on the stair. Remus.
He immediately straightened, not really sure of why he was doing it, but didn’t turn to look at Remus. A few more minutes passed in total silence. Sirius was almost sure they weren’t going to say anything when Remus finally spoke.
“So.” He started before cutting himself off. There was a few more bits of silence before he talked again, “I’m out to explain myself I think.”
“Explain yourself.” Sirius repeated.
“Answer your questions.” Remus shrugged. “Ask anything.”
“I don’t want to be too nosy.” Sirius said, not even trying not to sound bitter.
Remus winced and Sirius found it somehow satisfying, “I’m sorry about that. You were just worried. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“And it took you two weeks of not talking to realise it?”
“Sirius, please.” Remus whispered, almost reaching out. Sirius asked himself why he didn’t. “I miss you.”
“Do you?” Sirius said as lowly. Remus nodded. “Then why did it take you so long?” He croaked, sounding weaker than he intended.
“Because–” Remus started before cutting himself off. He looked away from Sirius, towards James, and took a deep breath in, “Because I didn’t want to tell you why I wasn’t feeling right.”
“And now you do?”
“James convinced me.”
They were silent for a bit, not looking at each other, not touching despite the fact that they should have been with how small the stair was.
“So. It was that girl then?” Sirius asked after a long moment.
“That girl?”
“Dorothy.”
“Dor– Oh! Emmy?”
“Yeah, whatever.” Sirius waved a hand, trying hard not to roll his eyes.
“No. No, it wasn’t Emmy.”
“Who then?” Sirius asked, turning to look at Remus.
“It–” He sighed deeply. “No one really broke my heart I just– I started to come to conclusions… which didn’t really make me jump with joy. About girls. And who I am attracted to.”
Sirius’ heart was in his throat suddenly and he wasn’t sure why. He didn’t want Remus to continue, to talk about this or these girls he was attracted to. He felt like throwing up, as he often did when he was submerged with a wave of emotions too big for him.
“And what kind of conclusions did you come to?” He forced out.
“As time passes, I come to realise I’m not really attracted to girls.” Remus said heavily, looking out at the party.
Sirius’ mind was fuzzy and all over the place from the alcohol and maybe Remus’ expression, but he was almost sober now so it was probably only Remus. “No? Who are you attracted to then?” He asked, bringing Remus’ gaze on him again.
There was a bit, then two, and then Remus breathed, “You.”
There was another silence during which they just stared at each other, Sirius’ mouth hanging slightly opened.
Oh.
“Me?”
“Yes. You, Sirius.”
Oh.
It only felt natural then, to lean in and let their lips meet.
Remus let out a little sound of surprise, as if he hadn’t been expecting this outcome, and it was a bit silly of him to be honest.
“Why did this realisation made you so upset that we ended up having a fight?” He asked against Remus’ lips when they broke apart for air.
“Because I didn’t know this was an option.” Remus rasped, breathing heavily.
“Well, that’s quite stupid of you.” Sirius laughed, bringing Remus’ lips to his own once again.
It felt like a very first kiss, but a really really good very first kiss. Sirius had kissed before but kissing Remus made him feel as if he had never kissed anyone. And maybe he hadn’t.
Merlin, Sirius thought, who would have thought kissing someone you love would feel this good!
And then, oh. And then, I’m in love with Remus. And then, Circe’s tits!
“Remus?” He said when he broke the kiss again.
“Yeah?” Remus looked a bit dazed, hair all over the place and pupils blown.
“You’re not drunk, are you?”
“If I was, I certainly sobered up when I told you you are the one I like.”
“Good. Good.” Sirius nodded, his hands in Remus’ hair, he wasn’t sure when they ended there.
“Are you?”
“Never sobered up so quickly.”
“Good.” Remus breathed out a laugh. “Good.”
“Remus?”
“Yes?”
“I think I’m in love with you.”
Remus blinked at him, taking a shaky breath in, “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Sirius nodded. “Is it– I mean, it’s not weird is it?”
“No.” Remus shook his head. “Definitely not weird. Absolutely not weird.”
Sirius laughed, throwing his head back. He felt exhilarated, ecstatic, like he could go for a run around the castle. He was in love with Remus Lupin!
“Are you?” He asked, a bit of alcohol-induced courage still lingering in him. “In love with me.”
And then Remus smiled the sweetest smile ever, the most him smile ever, “Yeah, Sirius. I’m in love with you.”
Sirius would like to deny it, but he never beamed as much as in this moment, “Great. ‘Cause it would have been embarrassing for me if you weren’t.”
Remus laughed and kissed him again. Sirius wasn’t sure how much time had passed when Remus broke the kiss again, “Were you jealous of Emmy?”
“Who’s Emmy?” Sirius cocked an eyebrow.
“Dorothy.” Remus said and Sirius could see he was fighting a smile. Oh, they knew each other so well, how had Sirius not noticed before?
“Well that’s a stupid costume.” Sirius shrugged.
“Mary was Dorothy last year.”
“It wasn’t stupid on her.” Sirius rolled his eyes. “And it was innovative at the time. Now she just looks like a copycat.”
“And who are you supposed to be?” Remus passed a hand on Sirius’ vest.
Sirius gasped, “I’m Marc fucking Bolan you uneducated bastard!” He said before shoving Remus gently away.
“What is supposed to give it away?”
“The makeup? The vest? The hair!”
“That’s just your hair, Sirius.” Remus laughed. “You didn’t even do anything to it.”
“Okay, who are you supposed to be?” Sirius asked back.
“I’m Tolkien.” Remus said, taking a fake pipe out of his pocket.
“You’re kidding me.”
“No.”
“How was I supposed to know? And you dared to disrespect my Marc Bolan costume! You could just be any guy with a grey three-piece and a pipe! How could anyone know you’re fucking Tolkien. That’s not–”
“Sirius?”
“Yeah?”
“Just shut up.” And Remus was kissing him again.
Sirius was pretty sure they could have stayed like this forever, kissing here forever, unaware of the world behind, if it weren’t for James screaming “Fucking finally!” from the other side of the room and coming cooing at them for finally getting their shit together. Soon they were being requested back to the party, but now, in between two shots or in the middle of a song, they could share a kiss or a quick ‘I love you’ and Sirius was pretty sure he had never been this happy. Judging by Remus’ never fading smile, it was the same for him.