The Bedtime Story
"So, my little man, let's get you into some pyjamas, and you can tell us everything you did this weekend with Auntie Mia, okay?"
"Yes!" Albus crowed, dragging his Da up the stairs; Mummy followed as a narration spewed. "On Fribay night, Auntie Mia took me to da biggest kitchen in da whole wideworld, Da!” Albus began, chattering away, “And there wuz the many-est House Elbs in dere, and dey makes me a bery best ice cream EBER! It had fluffy creams an’ nuts an’ candies an’ chocklit sauce an’ a cherry!"
"I wonder what time that was," Ginny muttered with a laugh.
"It was the nighttime dat Auntie Mia read me eleventy-free stories, dat's when!" Albus crowed, making his parents laugh as they ruffled his hair. "I wanted to go back in the tomorrow, but she says dey on'y has ice cream on Fribay's," he said sadly. "But, thas okay; I got lotsa liquorice wands because Auntie Mia said a bery bad word." At this point, his jumper got peeled off, and a pyjama shirt went over his head, getting stuck in his mouth. "Mmmff. MUMMY! Imma tellin' a story!" Once his bottoms were on, he hopped onto the bed and crawled under the covers, letting his Da tuck him in. "Jus' a li'l tuck, Da, I's not ready yet!" Albus admonished.
"SO,” he restarted, hands clasped in his lap, “I got lotsa liquorice wands, and Uncle Seberus did, too, because I think the bad word hurt his ears, and dere’s no Swears Jars at his castle..."
"Whoa! Wait a sec… Who?!" asked Harry, exchanging wide-eyed looks with his wife.
"Uncle Seberus... I's named apter him, you know; I runned into his legs. So—”
“Al,” his Mummy interrupted sternly, “Why did you run into the headmaster’s legs, hm?”
“Auntie Mia was chasin’ me, Mummy.”
“Why was she chasing you, Al…”
Albus shrugged. “She jus’ likes a chase me when I neek out, I guess. Imma tell s'more, ‘kay?” Ginny rolled her eyes and motioned him to continue, raising her eyebrows at her husband choking back a laugh. “Uncle Seberus carried me on da fun movin’ stairs, and I gots to smack da garghoul and yell 'Hunnysuckoo',” pausing to whisper loudly, “Cause itsa secret word,” he nodded sagely, “Den I met Uncle Albus' po'trit, an’ we talked for-EBER, and he has the lo-o-o-o-ongest beard and the lo-o-o-o-ongest name in da whole world, and it takes hours and HOURS to writes it all down!" Al’s amazement at these facts shone on his little face.
Harry and Ginny sat somewhat flabbergasted, staring at each other and then at their son. "Umm, so..." Harry asked weakly, "What else happened?"
"We went to Hogmease to gets liquorice wands, and I walked ALL da ways cuz Uncle Seberus says deys too old to carry me a lot. Then Auntie Mia won’t come outta da book shop,” he said, rolling his eyes, “So Uncle Seberus took me to da Owl Office so’s I could draw a pitcher to tell you I’s habin’ a great time, and we picked the bestest, BEST owl—he kinda looked like Uncle Seberus wearin’ his cape; he jus’ wore reg’lar stuff at Hogmease.”
Harry’s forehead crinkled. “What’s ‘regular stuff’, Al?”
The boy sighed dramatically. “You know, Da, like Uncle George—boo jeans and a wrinkly, ol’ leather jacket,” Albus replied with a shrug. He watched his Mummy and Da share a weird look and rolled his eyes again. “So-o-o,” he said extra loudly on purpose, “Den I saw goats! I gotsa feed a baby one with Uncle Abberfork, and he made us a most giant picnic! It was ‘alicious!” he cried, throwing his hands up in the air, making Harry and Ginny chuckle. “Then Uncle Seberus made me learned-ed a new word: dun-der-head. Auntie Mia says it means Uncle Ron. Uncle Seberus said it hafta be true because Auntie Mia is a know-tall. Then she smacks him; she smacks him a LOT, at least elebenty-nine times, sheesh. Then we had dinner with Uncle Haggrit, and I gotsa play with his new puppy thas gi-NORMOUS, Da—his name is Knob, like a doorknob—though he’s wa-a-a-ay bigger dan a doorknob!” Albus shrugged, then paused for a moment, thinking. “I thinks we need a puppy, Mummy—dey’s MUCH better dan babies, ugh.” There was much eye-rolling and horrible grimaces before he continued. “Anyways, den Uncle Seberus takes me an' Scorp an’ Auntie Mia and Uncle Raco to the dun-jin. He made Auntie Mia and Raco do chop-chops while me an’ Scorp gotsa a tour of da DUN-JIN! It was sooo fun and scowry! We see’d lotsa ghostes—the scowriest was Sir Nickle-ass…his head tip-ded all da way over an’ you could see yucky bones an’ guts an’ stuff—me an’ Scorp screamed so loud!” Al shuddered. “Auntie Mia said Sir Nickle-ass was goose-um,” he giggled. “Uncle Seberus tol’ us scowry stories an’ we was chased out ub da darkest dun-jin by lotsa bats! It was sooo much fun,” he grinned, happy to see his parents laughing with him.
“So, Al,” his Da asked, “What’s chop-chop?”
“It’s for makin’ a bunch of schoo’ potions wif Uncle Seberus, but he makes dem do all da chop-chop ‘cause dey was bad at schoo’ long times ago—I’ma neber be bad at schoo’, chop-chop is bo-o-oring an’ stinky an’ squicky, eeww. Oh, an’ da potion p’ofessor is a dun-der-head, too—Uncle Seberus say so, an’ he’s da boss,” Albus concluded, nodding. “Dey doin’ da chop-chop a lo-o-ong time cuz Uncle Seberus teach me an’ Scorp how to make potions, wanna see?” Albus untucked himself, and for a moment, all his parents could see was his little wiggly bum as he fished around under his bed. A knapsack was dragged out, and Albus pulled a shiny blue bottle from an outer pocket. He showed it to his parents as he poked at the words on the label with his stubby finger, “Magic Bubbles by Albus and Scorp, wif da date—Uncle Seberus says dates is Bery Important T’ings wif potions. Tomorrow, I’ll show them to Lily, and maybe she will stop screamin’ alla time and laugh,” he said with a grin. Albus handed the bottle to his Da, who showed it to his Mummy while he continued. “Apter the bubbles was all cooked, Raco an’ Auntie made a playgroun’ in da hallway so’s we could play while dey’s cookin’. Uh first, dere was on’y swings—we go’s SO high, Mummy!—den Uncle Fillies comes an’ makes a ginormous, loop-loop purple slide! It was awesome an’ slide-y an’ fast! Did you know dat Uncle Fillies loves to swing? He’s a perfe’t size for swingin’, jus’ like me an’ Scorp! Then we made elebenty-billion bubbles and bounced them on the walls an’ swings an’ stuff.”
Harry and Ginny just looked at each other, amazed, shaking their heads and grinning.
“When it was lunchtime, Uncle Seberus made picnic tables and his ginormous, glowy bird fwoo around da castle to invite eberybody for lunch! Mr Argus an’ Haggrit came, an’ so did Miss Irma, Miss Rora, Auntie Pop, an’ Uncle Abberfork. We had SO much fun, Mummy; eberybody is bery nice dere. Scorp an’ me was telling Miss Irma ‘at we wanted to be pie-wits, an’ you know what?!”
“No, what?” his parents said chorused.
“Miss Irma gave me an’ Scorp a storybook about kids bein’ pie-wits!” Albus flopped onto his back and smiled at his Mummy and Da, giggling a little. Harry and Ginny grinned at their middle child's antics, and Albus continued before they could ask anything else. “Scorp and his Papa had to visit his Nana after lunch, so then me an’ Uncle Seberus an’ Auntie Mia goes for a walk by the biggest lake EBER! I throwed a big ball at the giant-est squid, and he throwed it back—it wuz UH-MAZING! Then I takes a nap—but dat’s boring. When I gets up, I says bye to Uncle Albus and his silly po'trit friends, an’ the garghoul—his name is Digger—and Uncle Seberus wants to have babies with Auntie Mia. And thas all, I fink..."
"What?!" Harry exclaimed, "Why in the world would you say that?"
"Sayed what, Da? I sayed A LOT, you know!" Al replied with a slight frown.
"The part about babies, sweetheart," Ginny prompted.
"Oh. Cuz Uncle Seberus kisses Auntie Mia like Da say he kiss you, Mummy, to make baby Lily. So I ast him if he wanted to make babies with Auntie Mia."
"Oh, good grief...," Harry muttered, running a hand down his face.
Ginny gave him her I'll-talk-to-you-later look and turned back to her son. "So. What did Uncle Severus say when you asked about babies, Al?"
"Nuffin’, but I knows he does—they was doin’ snogs when I was s’posed to be nappin’,” Albus said with a shrug. “Uncle Seberus jus’ smiled at Auntie Mia and kissed her on the hairs,” he replied, pointing to the top of his head, “And she was all red—I dunno why—and Uncle Seberus took me back to bed and told me a story ‘bout dragons and nargoos." Albus crawled back under his favourite quilt, “And den I was home tellin’ you a story an’ thas da end—can I have a story now, too? Can you wead my new pie-wit book?”
"Well, I know a girl who's getting a big fat owl tomorrow morning," Ginny muttered after they tucked Albus all the way in—following the pie-wit story and bedtime kisses, of course. "And really, Harry...” she murmured as they started down the stairs, “You actually told our son that we made a baby by kissing?!"
“Yeah, well,” Harry said, shrugging, “It wasn’t like I planned it. He caught me off-guard, is all.”
“Oh, my gods—Harry!” Ginny said suddenly, stopping with one foot in the air, ready to step down. “Last week…!”
Harry groaned, catching himself quickly before bowling her over. “Oh, man… I feel so bad now…I swatted his little bum when he ran in and shoved us apart—"
“Because we were snogging in the kitchen again—” Ginny interrupted.
“And he stomped up the stairs, shrieking, ‘No More! No More!’” Harry tucked his wife under his arm as they finished their trek down the stairs. “I owe the little blighter an apology,” he chuckled, “And perhaps we should explain to him that snogging doesn’t make babies.”
“Oh, love, I’m afraid that that explanation is ALL up to you,” Ginny replied with a snort. “And do let me know when you’ve taken care of it, yeah? I’d like to reassure him that there will be no more babies—no matter how much snogging there is.”
Harry pulled her into a hug, planting a kiss on her forehead. “Whatever you say, oh red-haired boss-of-me.”