It had been a long day. Sirius had to deal with the throws of life, and he couldn’t imagine life being any easier. He felt his mind slipping that evening, the stress finally catching up to him. James Potter being the leading cause of it, this time.
It was a Wednesday evening, his day filled with stress. An impending Transfiguration assignment, and his Potions assignments being graded low. James thought it was a great idea to bring firewhiskey to Sirius that night, and they drank.
“Sirius, are you genuinely okay?” James asked, clearly worried at the sight of Sirius drinking so much. He was never a big drinker, never a fan of alcohol. He saw what it turned his parents into, and he was afraid of becoming like that. Yet something in him craved the burn of the drink, his sanity slowly withering away like a dying rose.
Sirius didn’t answer. He just kept drinking, drowning out the stress and the worry. He would never admit it, but the alcohol calmed him. Or so he thought.
“Padfoot, answer me goddamn it,” James begged, his expression pleading. He didn’t like seeing Sirius like this. He couldn’t bear seeing it, and he couldn’t bear being the cause for it.
Sirius looked up, his eyes weary and his smile somewhat sombre. He looked truly defeated, not knowing what was to come afterwards. “Just leave it,” he relied blearily, brushing off James’ concern. James couldn’t be concerned, he was just as bad when he was stressed. He always drank the stress and heartbreak away.
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James went to bed a few hours before, and Sirius was alone. His emotions swirled inside him like a storm, his rage against the world slowly brewing inside him. The pain of being brushed off and ignored by everybody, and only being offered his poison, clawed at him, and he couldn’t take it. He snapped, and he snapped hard.
Sirius bolted it outside, barging past many other students. He knocked a few over, not caring for how they reacted. Many were angry, shouting back at him, yet he didn’t care. He couldn’t care. He was slowly losing all sense of sanity and all sense of himself.
As he ran down to the lake, he saw Remus. Remus was alone, sitting with a book in hand and a quill behind his ear. And all Sirius could do was scream in pain, hoping his boyfriend would notice before it was too late.
Remus abruptly turned, seeing Sirius on the floor and clutching his hair. He feared for the worst, thinking that Sirius had done something truly awful. Yet nothing would brace him for what he would witness.
He ran over, and threw his arms around Sirius. He tried to soothe him as best he could, yet he was pushed away, Sirius slowly gaining a twisted, manic smile, his eyes looking completely hollow as if he wasn’t there.
“B-babe-“ Remus stuttered, crawling over to Sirius once again. “It’s okay… I’m here…” he cooed, trying to bring Sirius back to his senses. Sirius was too far gone, his gaze burning with hatred and anger. Remus couldn’t fathom the way that Sirius had changed from that morning, going from being adorably affectionate to downright hostile. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. And he was truly terrified.
“Get. Away.” Sirius spat, venom tracing his voice. He couldn’t recognise Remus, nor recognise where he was. He was surrounded by misery, and his only instinct was to push Remus away forcefully, with no remorse for what he would do. He didn’t care anymore, he had lost all sense of self.
Remus looked heartbroken, yet he wouldn’t give up. He jumped onto Sirius, pinning him to the floor as he screamed in protest. The screams were shrill, filling the cold air as if it would dull the pain Remus felt in this moment. He was watching his boyfriend fall apart due to the madness that cursed his family, and all he could feel was guilt. Guilt for not protecting him, nor for being there when he was needed. “It’s okay…” he whispered again, Sirius not having the strength to push him off. He simply cried, clinging to Remus as if he was a lifeline.
“Make… it… stop…” Sirius begged, looking up at Remus with the same pained eyes as everybody else dreaded. Nobody knew Sirius could snap like this, and Remus only felt an immense guilt for letting him get this bad. Letting him get this worked up, without realising how it was affecting him. “MAKE IT STOP, REMUS! MAKE IT STOP-“ he screamed, before hiding his face in Remus’ chest, his sobs ripping through the air.
Remus could only hold him against his chest, running his hair through Sirius’ dark curls. He was terrified for how his stress materialised, and how it sent him to the brink of pure insanity. He felt like his world could be ripped from him in an instant, and he had to stop this.
Remus carried Sirius all the way back to the castle, carting him through the halls and entering the Gryffindor Tower. He ran straight up to the dorms, climbing into bed and resting Sirius on his chest, who fell asleep from the exhaustion. He was worried, yet knew Sirius would be okay in the morning. He always was after an episode. It’s how BPD worked, and Sirius was riddled with it.
“You’re okay, baby…” Remus muttered, reassuring himself in the process. He silently vowed to protect Sirius, and wouldn’t let him be harmed. He would never let his star get harmed, and would hurt anything that tried. It was the way he loved, and the way he protected Sirius through everything.
And that’s all he ever wanted. Sirius.