chapter xviii
Regulus didn’t fall asleep. He lay in the chair, closed his eyes, and evened his breathing, but he didn’t fall asleep. If James noticed, he didn’t say anything.
He went about his room, seeming perfectly capable of seeing through the darkness, and hummed something as he went, something Regulus vaguely recognized. Something from his childhood, an old French lullaby Sirius used to sing to him when he couldn’t fall asleep. Sirius could always tell when Regulus needed it, always snuck into his room. It was every night that Sirius went to their mother’s special room.
James knew the song, or at least the tune. That meant Sirius had sung it to him. Regulus ached at this despite himself: James had replaced him for his brother. But Sirius had, at least, needed or wanted a new Regulus. That had to mean something.
James finished it soon enough, and Regulus was too tired to be inhibited, too tired to filter himself. So he sat up and said what he was thinking.
“Sirius sang Fais Dodo for you?”
James’s steps stopped for a moment, and then started nearing Regulus’s chair. And Regulus regretted speaking, because it meant James knew. James knew that Regulus had been listening, eavesdropping, so how could he not get angry? Regulus should have known better. And now he was going to have to deal with the consequences.
He knew James wouldn’t hurt him, because James was too good. But he would make Regulus leave. Despite himself, Regulus was fairly comfortable there, with his brother and his brother’s friend - maybe even his friend, too. But he would have to leave.
And so James stopped, a couple of feet from Regulus. He spoke, and his voice was soft, not even sounding angry.
“He missed you a lot. On- uh, every- when he really missed you, he sang it to your constellation. I would keep him company.”
Sirius used to miss him.
James wasn’t angry.
The two realizations swirled around Regulus’s brain, not making any sense. Sirius didn’t miss him, Sirius left. And how could James not be angry? Regulus pretended to be asleep and heard something he wasn’t supposed to. It was wrong.
And yet, when Regulus’s voie left his mouth, it was calm. Were it coming from anyone else, he would call it sweet. But Regulus wasn’t sweet.
“I used to talk to his constellation. Thought his soul might be up in the stars. I pretended he was watching me.”
Regulus hadn’t intended to tell anyone this, let alone his brother’s new brother. It was embarrassing and pathetic. But it was true.
He was getting ready to backtrack, to say he was lying, when James’s voice reached him again.
“He missed you, too. It was- you didn’t see it. It killed him to think of you in that house with your parents. He’s- uh, he- it’s been good for him to see that you’re out now. That you’re safe.”
Sirius cared, he wanted him away from their parents- away. Of course.
When he’s away for long enough. That’s what Sirius had meant.
“I want away from them. For good.” Regulus knew he shouldn’t have been telling this to someone like James, someone he barely knew. But Sirius wanted it too, and James had told him. So he had to tell James. “I don’t want to be married off to one of my second cousins. I don’t want to be a mother. I can’t.”
There was a pounding in the next room over, but Regulus ignored it. He didn’t think it could matter much in light of what he’d just said. It was a dangerous thing to admit, that he wanted away.
And then James’s door slammed open and Regulus felt an illogical fear seize him. His mother had heard him, she was coming to take him back home, away from his life. He was going to be married off and he’d never know happiness again.
Except it wasn’t his mother, it was her son. Sirius stood in the doorway, his eyes wide, his voice panicked.
“James, he’s gone. Reggie’s gone. I woke up and he was just- he’s gone, James.”
James bounded forward and folded Sirius into his arms. The motion looked practiced.
“He’s here, Pads,” James said, just loudly enough for Regulus to hear. “He’s not gone, he’s right here.”
Sirius looked around wildly at the words, and then his gaze met Regulus’s, and his breathing started to even, his hands fell to his sides.
“Reg?” His voice was quieter than it almost ever was.
“Siri,” Regulus answered despite himself, his voice sounding pathetic to his own ears. But how could he care? Sirius was there. Sirius wanted him.
Sirius broke away from James’s arms, walked slowly over to Regulus in the chair. He knelt on the ground so he was looking up into his younger brother’s face, just like he would when they were kids. “Reg. You can’t just leave like that; you scared me half to death.”
And Regulus had been using uncomfortable honesty since he woke up, so it couldn’t hurt to use a little more.
“I thought you wanted me to. Because the- you know, because of the eating and drinking and other… shortcomings.”
Sirius’s face fell, and Regulus immediately regretted speaking. He had ruined a good thing. Just like he always did.
“Regulus, I don’t know what delusions you’re under, but I want you around. I’ve been annoying the shit out of James about it, he’ll tell you.”
Sirius turned to James, who was grinning so brightly it almost hurt Regulus’s eyes. “You really have, mate. All, ‘why won’t he talk to me?’ ‘If he doesn’t answer his texts I’m going over there and getting him myself,’ and shit. It’s fucking adorable, been giving me a toothache.”
Regulus let the information settle in his brain, but it didn’t fit right. He was fucked up, and Sirius knew it. So Sirius shouldn’t have wanted him. But he did. It didn’t make sense, and Regulus hated it when things didn’t make sense. But he couldn’t bring himself to hate this. But he had to understand.
“But the eating and drinking.”
Sirius stared at him for a moment, his mouth slightly open.
“Yeah, I’ve been worried about your eating and drinking habits. For your safety. Past that, I don’t give a shit what you consume.”
Sirius was worried. About him. Sirius was worried about Regulus. He cared. And oh, how Regulus ached at that. His brother cared. But he knew, in the end, it couldn’t be true. Because Regulus was imperfect, and that meant people didn’t want him. So Sirius couldn’t.
But could it hurt to pretend it was true, just for a little bit? Was it so bad to act like he believed it until it all broke?
It probably was. But Regulus didn’t care. He was with his brother.
That was all that could matter.