chapter xvi
Regulus didn't know when the professor and her redhead left. They were there, and Regulus was resenting them, and then they were gone. It was quieter without them. Pandora came back at some point, and started her usual routine of one-sided conversation with Regulus.
“You know, my friend Lily has been really helpful for a lot of people. She’s so smart, I know you’d like her.”
Pandora. She was the one who invited the redhead. She was the reason Regulus was psychoanalyzed about his semi-dead brother (because, of course, the ‘person’ one ‘knows’ is only one’s internal notion and perception of them).
It was Pandora, and Regulus couldn’t even be mad. Not at her.
“Under different circumstances, maybe,” he muttered. This surprised him. He hadn’t decided to talk.
“Well, why not make those circumstances?” Pandora hedged, her face completely calm, as if she hadn’t just heard her roommate speak for the first time in ages.
“Because I’m a cruel bastard.”
Pandora laughed more than the comment merited, but the sound was nice.
Pandora was a nice person.
Likeable.
Regulus liked her.
She was a good friend, better than Regulus deserved.
He should’ve been a better friend for her.
He could be a better friend for her.
He would be better for her.
She had been speaking, apparently, while Regulus was attaining this revelation.
He waited for her to finish, though he didn’t comprehend a single thing he said.
“We should go to that cafe you like,” he eventually decided.
But he didn’t want to.
He wouldn’t.
He couldn’t.
He didn’t want to.
“The one with the lattes?”
Regulus nodded blankly.
Didn’t want to.
Wouldn’t.
Didn’t want.
Couldn’t.
Didn’t.
Wouldn’t.
Couldn’t.
“I thought you said their uniforms gave you a migraine?”
God, the uniforms.
They were so bright.
Made of such cheap polyester, Regulus felt sticky even seeing it.
Ugh.
But Pandora deserved it.
She deserved a better friend.
“Yes, well.”
He didn’t finish the thought.
Instead, he forced himself to get up and open the door.
The doorknob was too loud.
It was too heavy.
It felt sticky.
It felt too warm.
It felt wrong.
It was wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
Wrong. Wrong.
But Pandora.
Better.
Better.
He needed to be better.
He wasn’t good enough.
Better.
Why wasn’t he better?
Why wasn’t he good enough?
Never, never, never.
Better.
The door opened, though Regulus didn’t remember twisting the knob.
Out.
To be better.
He was at the migraine cafe with Pandora. There was a cup in front of him, and it was about halfway full. He must have drunk some without realizing. He was shrinking in on himself, becoming invisible, as much for Pandora’s sake as for his own. She wouldn’t want to be associated with someone like him. Someone sick, someone weak. Someone who needed to be better.
She was talking to someone a table over, blocking them from Regulus’s view. Her voice was as it always was, calm and light and unbothered and slightly amused. The other person’s wasn’t.
“Come on, Rosier. Just let me see him. I’ll just be there for a minute, I won’t even come inside. I just need to see him. Please. He probably won’t even notice me.”
Regulus wished he didn’t recognize the voice. The voice he’d known forever, even when it was gone.
“No. He doesn’t want to see you.” Pandora’s voice stayed the same, her tone not matching her words.
“Well I want to see him. Please, Rosier. Please. It’s killing me, I have to know if my little brother is okay.”
Regulus had never heard his brother beg before. Even with their mom, he was always prideful, always arrogant. He wasn’t. Because of Regulus, he wasn’t. It was wrong. It was so, so wrong.
It had to stop.
Regulus had to stop it.
He stood up, looking blankly ahead. Let Sirius see him.
There was a gasp, a sound Regulus had heard Sirius make more times than he could count. It was the sound he made when the pain reached its max, when everything was too much.
“R-“
Sirius seemed unable to get his voice past the single letter.
Pandora looked between the two, seeming either interested or annoyed. Probably both.
“Oh, Reg. Why would you do that? I had you fully hidden, now he knows.”
And then Regulus remembered. He remembered why he was trying to make himself invisible. He was the very picture of failure.
He wanted to disappear. He wanted to get away. Everything was wrong, and it was his fault. He was so wrong. He wanted out. He wanted out. Out.
But he was there. He was there, and he was face-to-face with his brother. His brother who was wearing the same expression he always had on after leaving their mother’s special room. His brother who was in pain. Because of him.
And he felt like a kid again.
He knew he was angry at Sirius. He knew he was in this state largely because of what Sirius said, though he couldn’t remember what it was.
But he did remember.
He remembered the first time he went to their mother’s special room, he remembered that Sirius held him for hours after.
He remembered when he was at a party and his mother was making him dance with possible future husbands, who held him too tight and said degrading things and touched him in places he didn’t like while their parents looked away. He remembered how Sirius chased them off or ‘accidentally’ spilled on them, how he endured the punishments afterwards without complaint.
And Regulus missed him. He missed his brother, his protector, his support, his superhero.
Even if he was sometimes the villain, he missed him. His first and strongest safe space.
“Sirius,” he choked out.
He was there.
He was alive.
He wasn’t dead.
“Sirius.”
His brother’s face slowly changed into what it so often was when they were younger, at parties and balls and dinners. His Superman.
“Reg. Come here.” Despite using a command, Sirius’s voice was soft. Comforting.
And so Regulus did. He stumbled forward uncertainly, though his vision was clouded over. And he fell into his brother, the arms he always fell into when he needed it.
Sirius.
Sirius and Pandora were talking quietly, but Regulus wasn’t comprehending it. He was too comfortable to think. For the first time in a while, he felt himself drift safely off to sleep. He was there. He was there. Sirius was there. He was there.
He woke sometime after, blinking until he could see Pandora crouched in front of him. He knew he should have been embarrassed, curled in his older brother’s arms like a little kid. But he couldn’t bring himself to be. He was too safe. Sirius was alive. He was there.
“I’m gonna head back to the dorm,” Pandora told him, her voice the same as ever. Calm, indifferent, amused. Warm. “Do you want to come with?”
He felt his brother’s arms tighten around him.
“No,” Sirius said too quickly. “I can’t- Reg, tell her- I need to be with you right now.”
Sirius wanted him. He wanted him around.
“I’ll stay with him,” Regulus mumbled, and he felt Sirius relax. How interconnected they were. At the moment, it felt like they had always wanted the same things, like they had never fought or even disagreed. They were the same.
He wasn’t really paying attention as Sirius and Pandora eased him into standing, as they shuffled to the front to give their barista Regulus’s habitual $100 tip, as the barista said something quiet to them, eyeing Regulus warily as if he were about to fall over - which wasn’t unlikely, - as Pandora said something back and the barista nodded and shot Regulus a small, fake smile.
He wasn’t paying attention as Sirius led him to a car, where Remus was already sitting in the driver’s seat. He didn’t really hear Remus and Sirius conversing quietly as the latter scooted into the back seat, letting Regulus lean against him.
He didn’t notice the drive as they got near Sirius’s apartment, he was just suddenly leaning on his brother, shuffling through the door.
Almost immediately, he came face to face with a tall, dark, handsome man whom he recognized vaguely as a friend. James.
Behind James was a pale, freckled girl with red hair. Not a friend. The girl who was with the doctor. Lily.
He could tell his brain was starting to panic, but it felt like he was on the outside watching it. He wouldn’t panic. Not when his brother was finally there. He was going to be better.
He gave James a weak smile, ignoring Lily. Maybe if he didn’t acknowledge her she wouldn’t be there.
“Reggie,” James said, his face falling blank. “Lily was telling me- but you’re here.”
Reg nodded silently. He was, indeed, there.
“But- a month and a half- the party- you’re-“
“He’s here,” Sirius confirmed softly, sounding unfairly grateful for it.
“What happened?” Lily asked, rudely ignoring Regulus’s silent prayers to disappear. “A few days ago- he wasn’t-“
Regulus didn’t like it. “Yes, well. People change, you know how it is.” He tried to make his voice acidic, but it just sounded tired. He was so tired.
“He was with Rosier-“ Sirius started, and Regulus frowned at him “-sorry, Pandora- at the cafe.”
“That’s excellent!” Lily grinned, and Regulus couldn’t even resent her. She was so genuinely happy for him. If she was anyone else, he’d probably think it was sweet.
It was sweet.
“Lils-“ James cut in after a second, “-let’s give them a minute.”
Regulus didn’t like the suggestion, and unthinkingly grabbed James’s arm.
“…or not,” Sirius decided with a sigh. “We’ve got it from here, Lil, go take a break. You’ve helped us so much already.”
She left with a large smile for Regulus, and he immediately relaxed back against Sirius, letting go of James’s arm.
“…sorry for commandeering your arm,” Regulus apologized tiredly.
James smiled, obviously trying hard - and failing - to keep his voice even. “No, it’s- its great.” He cleared his throat, blinking his eyes quickly. Regulus realized James was about to cry.
“It’s alright,” he offered awkwardly.
And it was.