Chapter v
“Sorry. Just- let me get this straight-“Barty smirked.
“You never get anything ‘straight.’ hot stuff. And it’d be a crime and outright homophobia if you did.”
Evan ignored Barty completely.
"-you meet up with your not-actually-dead brother, he's immediately cool about you being trans, you ask him to coffee, even though you never reach out - and you forgot to ask where? Or when? Or get any of his contact info at all?"
Regulus groaned. "Yes, thank you so much for that summary. You astound us all with your brilliance."
Evan grinned. "Yeah, I know. I'm an inspiration to all lucky enough to see me."
"You inspire me with desire all the time, babealicious," Barty agreed, pressing a disgustingly loud and wet kiss to Evan's cheek, leaving a messy lipstick print. The little whore.
"Fuck off, Bartholemew."
Regulus couldn't agree more.
The flirting was in no way fixing his situation.
He had just resigned himself to death by drowning so Sirius couldn't be mad at him for ditching when Pandora, angel that she was, showed up. "Have you asked Remus for your brother's number yet?"
Oh. Oops.
"...yep. Just getting on that."
Pandora looked unimpressed. "I knew it. I texted him, you and Sirius are meeting at the new boba place by the library. In 42.5 minutes."
Regulus processed this.
"...you and Remus both thought of this yesterday, didn't you?"
Pandora smiled brightly. "I suggested boba so you could use your balls joke as an icebreaker!"
Regulus decided she was a saint. "Have I ever told you how much I love you, Panda Bear?"
"Yeah, a few times, thanks."
"Good."
So, at 10 am, Regulus stepped out of Barty's car, only to be met by Sirius parking the next spot over in an obnoxious van painted blue and green, with "The Mystery Machine" emblazoned on its side in a disgusting 70's orange. Because of fucking course.
"You came!"
Sirius seemed more thrilled by the fact than would be fair, considering he had only recently decided not to hate his little brother.
"So did you." Regulus offered a hesitant smile. Because progress.
"...yeah. Well who can say no to boba?"
"Darn-" Regulus cleared his throat when the word came out as a squeak- "damn right."
Sirius smiled at the voice crack, seeming either amused or affectionate. Maybe both.
"Get out of my car doorway, Black!" Barty's voice was definitely amused.
Bastard.
"Yeah, okay," Regulus agreed, sticking his most centric finger up in Barty's direction. He couldn't stop himself from yelling as the car zoomed off at an unsafe pace. "Thanks for the ride, you cute little soccer mom!"
"So..." Sirius looked almost wistful. "Your friends seem... cool..."
He was trying.
Oh, oh, oh, how Sirius was trying.
"They're the worst. I love them all so much."
Sirius laughed, but it sounded wrong. It wasn't the laugh from the Bistro. It was quieter. His laugh from the house.
Regulus decided to try, too. If Sirius could, so could he.
"Remus is the best, you're so lucky he's your friend." It came out colder than Regulus intended, he really did like Remus.
Despite Regulus's ice, Sirius seemed encouraged.
"He is, isn't he?"
There was an awkward silence.
"Yeah. And - the others. They seem cool. Pretty... fun."
Sirius offered a smile. "I love those wankers. They... uh, the tall one? Not Remus? He's- he took me in after-"
Regulus couldn't do it. "Let's get the tea, yeah?"
Sirius seemed relieved, if a bit disappointed. "You're paying, Mr. Heir-to-the-Most-Noble-and-Ancient-House-of-Black."
They got tea.
"Man, they gave me like no bubbles," Sirius whined as they left the shop. "I want more balls!"
He was trying to be casual, even silly.
Regulus could try, too.
"...Literally me when I get bottom surgery."
Sirius stared blankly at Regulus for what seemed longer than was necessary, until suddenly a laugh burst out of him. A real one, loud and violent and booming.
"Did you just make an actual joke? Aw, little Ur- Regulus - you're all grown up!"
"...I'm sorry. I know it's totally weird and like you barely know me and I'm a guy now, which, like, - what?" Regulus let out a fake, frazzled laugh. "Sorry 'bout all this."
Sirius looked at him for a second, looking sad. He had always been too easy to read. "That's bull. Mom and Dad may be jerks, but I'm n- sorry. I have to ask." His voice came out quicker and quicker, as if it was running away from him. The same way that had always gotten him in trouble as a kid. "Did they really make you give a speech at my funeral?"
Regulus took a second to process the question. "Not- no... they- otherwise Mother would've given it, and you know, seemed..." Regulus trailed off. "You didn't seem to like her much, is all."
Sirius laughed again. Another real Sirius laugh, but this one somehow softer. "Thanks. For that. Sorry... for, you know, thinking you were just ignoring me because you were a baby bigot."
"...sorry you felt ignored. And for thinking you were dead." Regulus let out another pained fake laugh. "...oops."
"What di- what did they say?" Sirius voice was soft. It never got that way with anyone else. He was loud and fun and never vulnerable. This voice had always been just for Regulus.
"You... never came back from that school." Regulus chose his words slowly, carefully. "They said you'd shamed the family, then implied- well, you know how Mother can get so violent. We always said she'd go too far and accidentally kill one of us..."
Sirius processed this for a long, long time. "Damn."
"What actually happened? You said you moved in with your friend? Why- you didn't come back."
Sirius looked down. "At school, he told me his house was a safe space for kids like me- like us, I mean. So I agreed. Father met me at the station. I told him I was staying with a friend, he told me not- not to come back."
Regulus sat in the realization. It was Sirius's choice. He chose to leave. He chose to leave Regulus. He chose to leave Regulus alone. "And you didn't."
"I texted you, Regulus. I did. And emailed, I even wrote letters. I went to that goddamned house when you didn't respond. Planned to drag you out by your hair if I had to. Kreacher- I told Mr. Kreacher to tell you to reach out, but you never did. So I thought- well, you'd been with them alone for a year. I wasn't there to tell you they were wrong..." Sirius's voice sounded almost pleading, rising and falling dramatically with his emotions. He never hid them well.
"I lost my phone for a month," Regulus informed Sirius, his voice standing in stark contrast with his brother's. Coldly level, deadly calm. Void of inflection. "And Mother... 'found it,' as she said, gave it back to me. And you didn't- you gave up on me in less than a month."
"I... you-" The guild in Sirius's eyes turned to anger, just like Regulus was used to. "I got NOTHING from you, Ursa! I never have! I've always given to you, protected you- you have no effort and I was fucking TIRED!"
"Oh yes, I bet it was so hard, staying with a friend, at a safe place, just thinking of what a bigoted loser your little sister, Ursa, was." Regulus spat the last part like venom.
Sirius paled. "Regulus, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
Regulus couldn't let him finish his sentence. He didn't want to hear whatever lame excuse was coming. "No, it's okay. I've barely been in the thoughts of the great, happy Sirius Black for years, I'm just a figment of his past! All pretty, boxed up, tied with a bow! Can't expect you to waste your valuable mental energy on a silly little new name."
Regulus couldn't try at that moment. He couldn't.
"Oh, so what? It'd be fine if I was miserable, just like you. Right? You never once cared about my happiness, you just didn't want to suffer alone! You realize how fucked up that is? Newsflash, my happiness has never stood in the way of yours, you just don't. Want. Me. To. Be. Happy. Were in that house a little too long, hm? God, look at you. You're just like them."
Regulus stared blankly ahead. He couldn't. He couldn't.
"I'm going back to my dorm."
Regret flashed through the anger on Sirius's face. "Wait, I didn't mean- come on, let me dri-"
Regulus cut him off with a cold glare. "No, no. Wouldn't want to get in the way of your perfect fairy-tale happiness, no regrets-" he let out a harsh laugh. "Say hi to that kid for me. You know, the one who took you in. Your new brother- Regulus 2.0, right? Oh, sorry, that's not it. Is he actually Ursa 2.0? Because apparently I'm just what they shaped me into, right? Right? You can keep repressing, shove me into that little box again. Forget all about the little fuck-up you couldn't save."
Regulus didn't give Sirius the chance to respond.
Regulus didn't give Sirius the chance to come after him, because he knew he wouldn't take it.
And Regulus couldn't.