Untitled

Thursday 24 November, 1994- #1 song I’ll Make Love To You by Boyz II Men

Regulus remembers the first album he had ever bought, it was the summer of 1983, he had just turned 8. His parents had begun giving him an allowance, and being the rich freaks they were, it was loads of money. He had bought a Walkman and hid it in his closet. Then when he had time to go out to buy a cassette tape, it was a big choice since he didn’t feel it was okay to buy more than one- harder to hide with more than a few. 

The first thing to catch his eye was a light blue and black album. It had a beautiful woman on the front and the first song listed on the back was Bella Donna. The title of the album was Bella Donna by Stevie Nicks. He had had a good feeling about the album so he grabbed it and went to the listening booth in the back. Quick base begins as soon as he presses play and he has to sit on the floor to take it all in. The woman’s voice is unique and intoxicating. Then Your Kind of Woman begins and he only falls deeper, he gets half way through Edge of Seventeen when someone knocks on the door to use it. He doesn’t even bother listening to anything else. It was about 6 pounds, he pays quickly and rushes out. He felt like he was breaking the law, even though he bought the cassette in full. But he feared his mother would jump out and scold him about what modern music would do to his brain, rushing him to the grand piano in their sitting room. 

When he was 14 The Other Side of the Mirror came out, he had never been happier. He would take his Discman to school so he and his friends could listen, Barty always went along with him the most, they would split up CD's and cassettes so it would be easier to hide. 

But when he thinks back a little further one song always shows up. They had one record player in the house- their parents had a lot of classical vinyl they would play when guests came over- and he and Sirius had one record that he found in the neighbour’s trash- American Pie. And every time Narcissa or Andromeda would babysit them they would play the song. Sirius always yelled at Regulus for this but he would play the first song on the record over and over and over again, moving the needle back every time it ended. And for a seven minute song that’s a lot of one song to listen to, especially when the rest of the album is so good.

He is currently staring down at his untouched drink in a private room of a bar, his head shooting up when he hears the first key of American Pie play. Sirius looks over to him and smiles.

“C’mon Reg, down the rest of your drink so you're not too embarrassed to sing along.” Sirius waves him over, Regulus does so and trots to his brother, he starts singing along, Sirius joins in- a little less enthusiastically but that never stops Regulus. 

“Did you write the book of love And do you have faith in God above

If the Bible tells you so?

Now, do you believe in rock 'n' roll

Can music save your mortal soul

And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

 Well, I know that you're in love with him

'Cause I saw you dancin' in the gym

You both kicked off your shoes

Man, I dig those rhythm and blues” Regulus starts dancing around with his big brother, he always gets a weird sense of nostalgia every time this song plays- he can vividly remember himself watching his parents leave and running upstairs to grab the record player and vinyl. Sirius would give him the same look he just did and watch him dance.” 

Regulus can feel James’ gaze on him, he can never shake the burn in his muscles and the hot pit in his stomach he feels when James looks at him. It’s like its own form of a drug- James’ eyes that is. It’s easy to not want coke or alcohol when James is in the room with him, with James he feels easy. 

But also like he wants to peel every layer of his skin off, but bish, bash, bosh. 

The song comes to a slow end and the two brothers burst out in laughter. 

“God, it’s like you're still seven!” Sirius pulls Regulus into a hug, grabbing him by the hair as Regulus’ head goes into his brother's shoulder. 

“That song doesn’t change, neither do I.” Regulus huffs a laugh and sits down, next to James. 

“Reg, put on a song for God’s sake!” Remus shouts as he goes with Sirius to get a few more drinks. Regulus sighs and goes over to the stereo, he goes through a few piles of DVDs. He picks up an album and immediately switches to the last song before going to sit down next to James again. 

“Hendrix?” James hums bobbing a little to the song.

“Only the best.” 

“Well-“

“No! Hendrix is objectively the greatest guitarist of all time- Voodoo Child being his best song!” 

“You don’t think I’m the best guitarist ever?” James pouts.

“Don’t play, Jamie.” Regulus laughs trying to hide his red face from accidentally calling James ‘Jamie’.

“How rude, Reggie . Here I thought you liked me.” James tuts. Regulus just raises an eyebrow. 

“What on earth would give you that impression?” Regulus smirks leaning closer to James, forgetting the others in the room. 

“You sleeping shirtless in my bed?” James leans closer, Regulus can’t see the blush through James’ dark skin but he can feel the heat radiating from James. 

“Well, what can I say,” Regulus shrugs, “Drugs and music make a person forget themselves.”

“I thought it made someone act on their true intentions.” James whispers leaning even closer to Regulus so much so he goes a little cross eyed. Regulus looks away a little, looking at the wall pondering. His bottom lip is pulled between his teeth in an attempt to fake a pensive essence. 

“No, no I’ve never heard that.” Regulus shakes his lip still between his teeth to his smile. 

“Well, then how do I get you to write one of those songs about me?” James’ breath tickles Regulus’ forehead.

“It’s simple,” Regulus cocks his head and James looks like he will burst. “Just fuck m-“ 

“Ehem,” Peter fake coughs forming a distance between the warm men. “Sorry, but Sirius is coming back and if he sees you two like this he’ll have an aneurism.” 

“Sorry.” They both murmur and sit back in their seats, James’ posture curled in shame and Regulus’ back pin straight, an anxious look on his face.

The three of them sit there awkwardly till Sirius waltzes in loudly with Remus trailing behind him. 

“Got the booze!” Sirius announces and Regulus gets up to help him.

“Sorry for making you haul ass to get it.” Regulus says grabbing a bottle from Sirius’ hand. 

“Trust me if I’m gonna run to get anything, it’s booze.” Sirius sets the bottles down on the carpet and opens a bottle with his teeth, awkwardly filling the three glasses threaded between his fingers. 

Peter, James, and Regulus all reach to grab a glass, Regulus tries to not shiver when he feels James’ pinkie graze his. But as always, James notices and winks at him. 

“You all okay?” The assistant that Regulus recognises from the first day walks in, she looks tired. Already pronounced bones look dark and deepened. She is wearing a long pencil skirt and a lace top, her long legs hidden behind a tight skirt and kitten heels peaking out. 

“What’s your name?” Sirius asks.

“Donnica Nermitz, sir.” The girl says.

“Lovely, sit down with us, Don, have a drink.” Sirius ushers her to the empty side of the sofa. 

“Sir, I’m not sure if I should-“ 

“Nonsense, and call me Sirius. This is Remus,” he gestured to Remus whom he was sitting on. “Pete,” pointing to Peter who is sitting on a yellow bean bag. “Regulus, the little one, and James.” He lazily points to James and Regulus sitting on the couch. Donnica nods and nervously sits on the far end on the couch, about half a foot from Regulus. 

Sirius and Peter fall into a heated conversation and Remus adds in his thoughts a few times, Regulus, James, and Donnica are left in silence on the couch.

“You in London to model?” Regulus asks while he picks at the skin around his thumb.

“Uh, yeah, how’d you know?” She says.

“I don’t know, something about the long straight blonde hair, lanky frame, and high cheekbones sold you out. Also you are like 5’10.” Regulus cocks his head at her, she smiles a little which he sees as a win. 

“5’11, am I that transparent?” She giggles and sits a little more comfortably.

“No, no, not a bad thing,” Regulus gets up to pour her a drink. “You have the right look, you just need to meet the right people.” He hands her the glass and she laughs a little. 

“Thanks, have you released any music yet? You're new.”  She sips the rosé while staring at him through the rim.

“No, never was able to get a record deal.” He sighs and throws back his drink before pouring another. “But they can’t write so they got me.” He giggles over the wine, his blood feels warm and James smells really good, he finds himself leaning on James. 

“Yeah, your guys last ep sucked ass lyrically.” She says and James gasps.

“I didn’t suck! Yes, it was not very good, but I tried!” James throws his hands up before replacing them around Regulus. Don raises an eyebrow. “Whatever.” He huffs and goes back to looking at his drink.

“It was just very cliche.” Regulus nods and James’ mouth falls in hurt.

“Reggie! I thought you would be on my side!” James gasps.

“What would give you that thought? Sirius told me to join the band because I was talking about how much the writing sucked!” Regulus and Don laugh loudly at James.

“Wow, you think someone is your friend and then they just stab you, no hesitation.” James shakes his head and the two others still laugh at him.

“Don’t take it so personally, it’s not like anything happened in your life to make you want to write. Everything was just about alcohol and tits.” Regulus laughs.

“Hella douchey.” Don agrees.

“Ouch, sorry I didn’t go through any breakups, just mackin’ bitc-“

“I’m gonna stop you there,” Regulus laughs, Don laughs a little too. “You're not winning this, me and Don are against you. It’s not your fault you’ve had it easy, it’s a good thing.” Don nods her head enthusiastically.

“Whatever,” Hames huffs and Regulus laughs.

“Don’t pout.”

“You just said my writing sucks!” 

“ No, I never said your writing is bad, you hit a rut, your songs when you were with, eh what’s her name, your last girlfriend?”

“Nicole,” James rolls his eyes.

“Yes! When you were with Nicole, and when you broke it off with her your songs were amazing. You just need something, or someone, to come along and there you have it! A song!” Regulus throws up his hands, finishing off another glass. 

“Yeah, I guess I just need someone to come along.” James nods and looks at Regulus, Regulus just keeps laughing and drinking, Don looks between the men and knit her eyes together.

James knows. Don knows. If only Regulus knew.

____

9 July, 1991

The lights of the bar are dimmed and air is filled with smoke, even at the age of 16, Regulus knows how places like this work. Which is why his button up only had two buttons fastened and his jeans fit so tightly around his waist, and why he knew to find the most expensively dressed man and go up to him. You’ll find that these richer, older men don’t think boys count when they are small and feminine. As much as Regulus hated it, your body is yours to use. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. 

“Regulus Black.” He walks up to the man in a fitting suit and heavy facial hair. The man, probably around mid-thirties, smiles and abandons the sheerly dressed woman in front of him. Regulus recognises him, some pop singer you hear on the hits radio. 

“Alan Porter.” The man smiles, he isn’t fat per say, but not lean or cut, Regulus can work with that. Regulus smiles and shakes his hand, its clammy and makes him almost gag, but you can’t get anywhere not kissing ass to the right people. 

“Wanna drink?” Alan says and Regulus curtly nods, never leaving eye contact. 

They drink for almost two hours after that. Regulus lets Alan touch him anywhere he wants, no matter how much it makes his skin crawl, no matter how low his hand got on Regulus’ back, he just let it happen.

Men are simple, you just have to be smarter than them. Which isn’t very hard, especially when alcohol and sex are involved. 

The night is a little hazy, they get to Alan’s high end hotel and have seven rounds of sex- which isn’t saying much since Alan couldn’t last longer than 45 seconds. When he finally finishes, Alan not Regulus, Regulus had to excuse himself to finish it the bathroom before showering. 

He took longer in the shower than he should’ve, but he really didn't want to go back. Alan would most likely be shirtless, Regulus didn’t feel brave enough for that. 

But eventually he does leave the bathroom. He stares in the mirror trying to get himself ready for the dumb conversations Alan will think are revolutionary, for the ‘cuddling’, and for the next day when Alan tries to call again. Regulus quickly looks out the window, the sun is up but still a bright orange, telling him its still early. 

“This is good,” Alan nods on the bed, Regulus is confused at first but goes over to him. His bag he had is tipped over on the bed and Alan is looking through a leatherbound journal, Regulus’ eyes almost shoot out of his head. 

“My journal?” He breathes.

“I saw you across the room,

You were drunk on your lies,

With a cigarette in your hand,

And a gleam in your eyes.

You told me we'd be forever,

But we’re just passing through,

I’m drowning in your promises,

But I still crave you.” Alan sings from the book, poorly and completely off key. Not what Regulus imagined at all. 

“I really like this line-

I keep swaying to the rhythm,

Of your hurt and your games.

You got me dancing on the edge,

Of everything I fear,-

Its good, like something poemy.”

“It doesn’t go like that.” Regulus mutters.

“Oh?” Alan quirks an eyebrow.

“Yeah, it more of a-” Regulus sings the lyrics lowly, how he wants them, how they are. Alan nods and reads the rest of the song.

They don’t talk after than, Alan never answered any of his calls, not that Regulus was that upset. But still, sucks not to be wanted. 

He hadn’t even heard his voice for weeks after that, till his was in a dinner with Sirius and Remus. They had been talking about how their band had just got their first record deal, all they had ever wanted. Because if it didn’t work out they didn’t have a plan be. 

That’s a trend you’ll find. All of the ‘chosen ones’, the ones that have always been prepared for stardom, that fit in there. Non of them have plan b’s, its either a contract or you die. If you they don’t get a contract they don’t get anything.

Regulus is spaced out during the conversations, only listening to the radio playing over the scratchy speakers of the dinner. He almosts vomits when he hears it.

“Beneath the ashes, I still burn,

For the love that I’ll never learn,

You take my heart, then tear it apart,

But I’m still begging for your touch,

Oh, beneath the ashes, it's too much,

I keep on falling, I can’t get enough.”

Alan's voice begins. It's pitchy and he sounds like he is gargling gravel, so forced. Regulus’ voice drops and he almost cries, of course the stolen song is a radio hit. 

“My fucking song!” He shouts, making both Remus and Sirius jump.

“What?”

“My fucking song! He stole my fucking song! And fucked it up!” That was the part he was so upset about, not only were his lyrics stolen. But butchered, disgusting it was like watching a farmer kill a baby lamb. The death of art. 

“You wrote this?” Sirius’ eyes go wide.

“Yeah, I give him the best shag of his fucking life and he steals my fucking song! Not even calling me back to tell me! Bloody asshole!” Regulus screams and has the attention of the entire dinner but he doesn’t care. That asshole stole his song!

“Damn, Reg, sorry. But you have more.” Remus shrugs, probably still a little confused. Regulus huffs and turns back to his milkshake. Bloody fuckers, every single one of them. 

—-

After the wine wears off, they all head to a small club only musicians, actors, and anyone known by the normal population are allowed in. Don tagged along because they had gotten this far together. It felt weird not to take her, she seemed cool, and had this real effortless chic to her. Long, very straight blonde hair, pale skin, prominent cheekbones with sunken eyes, and the longest legs Regulus has ever seen on a girl. She truly was the most beautiful girl Regulus had ever met, the type of girl men write songs about. But doesn’t seem to want that. 

They walks in, no hassle what so ever expect for a man looking Don up and down, and another man making a comment about Regulus shamelessly. There is something about an even slightly feminine man that makes men think that its less gay. It isn’t, never has been. But they still haven’t gotten the memo. 

Sirius, Regulus and Don go to get drinks from the bar, the loud house music gives him a little headache but he’ll live. Sirius and Don order, leaving Regulus as last.

“What’ll it be, babydoll?” The woman, no older than 25, asks.

“Umm, a vodka cran, please.” He says and she nods before quickly bringing it to him.

“I’ll start a tab, babe.” He nods to her and they all go sit. Ride on Time by Black Box is playing from the speakers and Regulus sees two actors who recently co-starred in a romantic drama the year before making out in the bright lights. Don is dancing with some man, he is young and good looking. Regulus recognizes him from some magazine but can’t place a finger on who he is. The rest of them are just sitting around, Regulus is fully content people watching.

A man catches his eye, he knows him. Only he is hairier and fatter than before, with his hand on the ass of a much younger woman as he drinks a beer. Alan Porter, God, what an ass. Almost forty years old and still using teenagers for their bodies in the club. Regulus hates how he let this man touch him like that just three years ago. Not much older but he feels like he knows everything. 

“Excuse me.” Regulus knocks back two of the shots on the table and all of his drink before taking James’ beer and walking away.

“Regulus, wait what happened!” James follows after him but has to be content to be a few strides behind Regulus. “Reg, slow down. I’m not sure what your going to do but I am sure its dumb and not thought through. Think over your actions a little maybe?”  James yells back.

“Don’t fuck with me, Potter. I don’t need to think this through.” Regulus shrugs off James’ arm from his shoulder before walking up to the large, not like James large, man. 

“Alan!” Regulus yells through the music, Alan looks up from the tits of the girl and smiles.

“Regulus, baby, where have you been?” He laughs and goes to grab Regulus’ waist, but he steps back. He is worth way more that an ugly man, and soon he is going to have way more money than him so there is no need to suck up. He was chosen, he is good enough to be chosen. 

“You stole my fucking song, Porter!” Regulus yells angrily, no one, either because they are too drunk or the music is too loud, looks up. But James’ eyes are locked on Regulus.

"Whispers in the Dark? That one?" Alan asks with humor.

“Yeah that one! You stole it and fucked it up, you made it into the worst song I’ve ever heard!” Regulus screams back, so, so angry.

“Baby-”

“Stop calling me baby.”

“That was three years ago, baby!”

“Stop calling me baby!”

“ I didn’t steal your song. You were just inspiration, my sweet muse, baby!” Alan stands to grab Regulus’ hand, but Regulus steps back hurriedly. 

“I am not your baby!” Regulus throws the practically full pint of beer in the mans face. “And I am no ones inspiration, and will never be yours, or anyone's, fucking muse!” He slaps the man, making him stubble back into his chair and getting the attention of a few other people.

“Fuck you, you fucking sell out!” Regulus yells before strutting away, the anger fuels his gait and makes him take long steps. 

“You just fucked up a guy because of a song from two years ago? You know most people would’ve just let that go by now.” James catches up to him.

“Yeah, most people would have let that go by now.” Regulus nods and orders another drink, he hears Sirius cackling at the pariah before him in the back of the club.