Finally Clean

When Regulus wakes up in the morning, he's alone. The sun shines through the window, but he has never felt colder. James' absence is all he can feel and think. Fuck. Regulus knows he fucked up. He has no choice but to get up. His alarm never went off due to the power outage. Regulus is glad he isn't working today. He plans to go to the gym since his past few weeks have focused solely on escaping James. He gathers the strength to get off the bed, his joints aching and his throat scratchy. Hunger burns in his stomach, and his ribs hurt. No time. 

James sits in the kitchen, staring at his coffee cup. He isn't sure if he's thinking every thought or none. As his mind races, he can't understand a single idea that passes through. He knows two things for sure. Regulus needs me. He knows. But also. Regulus didn't read the fucking note. His heart breaks. Slowly, crumbling pieces until he feels gutted. But only on the inside did his organs rot. He can't show this on the outside. He feels selfish. Regulus doesn't have to read the fucking note, he needed me last night and I was there. But James wanted Regulus to read it. So he would know. So he would understand exactly what everything meant to James. Because I wanted you to know. I needed you to know. 

Regulus is shuffling around his room when he steps on something. It's a piece of paper with a couple of tear stains. Oh, that's all Regulus can think as he opens it, remembering that James had left that for him. His shaky fingers open the letter, and his mouth goes dry. He reads it, each word ripping another tear from his eyes. 

"I'm so fucking selfish," Regulus whispers, how could he do this? How could he ignore James pouring his heart out? James. Everything he ever wanted. How could he forget this and demand his company the same night?  "I'm so fucking selfish!" He tosses the note on his bed. His eyes were red and teary. He needs to talk to James. I can fix this. He says. But he isn't sure James will want that. What if it's too late? What if James realizes Regulus is selfish and never wants him ever again.

James can hear Regulus curse from his bedroom. He guesses Regulus read the note. He guesses that Regulus doesn't feel the same. He guesses that Regulus will be packing his bags soon and leaving. James figures he scared Regulus off. All that vague talk of James' feelings towards him. He doesn't want to have that long conversation of rejection. It's always the same, I like you, James… But. James, I think you're a really good friend, but. He always comes on too strong. Always. He tried to hold back, with Regulus going through a rough breakup recently. He wanted to just be there for Regulus as a friend. But whenever they share a moment, or Regulus even graces James with his presence, he feels like he's floating. 

"James, I'm so fucking sorry." Regulus comes barreling into the kitchen. It's so confrontational and out of character that it catches James off guard. "James, I'm sorry. I was so fucking selfish." He chokes. James is just confused. 

"What? Regulus, what happened? I'm sorry. I shouldn't have written all that nonsense to you." His words are flying fast. 

Nonsense. The word rings in Regulus' ears. "I didn't think it was nonsense," Regulus says quietly. 

"What?" 

"I didn't think it was nonsense. It was beautiful. And I'm sorry I didn't read it sooner." Regulus says, his ears turning pink, and the whole room shifts. The tension of a fight is seeping away, and a new tension breaks free. 

"You… What?" James' head is spinning. "I was absolutely out of line. I'm sorry, Regulus. I- You don't know what you're saying." 

"Don't." Regulus snaps. "Do not try and tell me how I feel, James Potter. Because I know." 

James stays silent. "I just want you to understand what the fuck you were reading Regulus." 

"I know what I was reading because I feel the exact same way. For years, I have..." Regulus can feel his feelings trapped in his throat. He is unsure whether to share them, but he looks into James' golden brown eyes and sees the sun. Let go. "Forever I've wanted you." Tears are starting to fall as he feels all his barriers break around his heart. "And I'm sorry."

James is struck, his head spinning. "I didn't know I needed you so badly, " he whispers, almost like it's a secret. "Why… Why are you sorry?" James steps forward and attempts to thread his fingers through Regulus's hair. Regulus flinches away from the gesture. 

"I can never give you what you want. I can never be what you're looking for, James. I'm so fucking messed up. Everything that's happened has changed me; I can't be normal. I never will be." Regulus is burning, his insides are churning, and he wants to disappear. He can't handle this situation, so he turns to leave. James absentmindedly reaches to grab Regulus' wrist before he leaves. Desperate to get his point across. Regulus sees this, his mind flashing back to Barty. How at the end of an argument, Regulus would try to leave, but Barty would snatch Regulus back over, pulling him at his delicate wrists, leaving purple and red marks. "Don't!" Regulus yells. 

"Regulus, I—" James can't get his words across because Regulus won't let him. Regulus can't handle the rejection, the pitying looks, the "I love you" but. There is always a but. 

"James, I know!" Regulus cries. He's shaking now. This is embarrassing. It's a prank. It has to be. How could somebody like James Potter feel the same way about Regulus Black? Fucking prank. "This isn't fucking funny, James." 

"I'm not fucking laughing, Regulus. I like you. Fuck like, at this point, I'm on the verge of loving you!" James shouts; his words are like knives, and they cut deep. More profound than his veins where Regulus' blood will spill cold. Deeper than the harsh words of his ex or his mother. 

"You don't know what you're saying." Regulus spits.

"Now, you don't try and fucking tell me how to feel," James commands. Regulus falls silent. He doesn't know where to go from here. The room is hot, and the summer breeze hardly flows because Regulus can feel every air fiber sticking to him. James moves closer to Regulus. Regulus doesn't move away. "Let me show you how I feel. If writing didn't work, if telling didn't work. Let me show you." James moves his face closer to Regulus. Staring deep into the light gray pools, figuring he wouldn't mind losing himself in those eyes one day. He'd never come up for air, just drown in internal gray. James kisses Regulus. The room explodes with tension, and Regulus is sure this is the first time in his life he has ever seen in full, vibrant color. James' lips are soft and full; his body is warm and full of sunlight. A loud, beaming ray of color bursts around the entire room until Regulus loses himself in the feeling of letting go. 

This is the first time Regulus sees his life as anything more than just pleasing other people. This is his first time seeing the world around him in more than dull grays and deep blacks. Streaming color. 

This is also the first time James has felt so alive, his skin is burning and itching for Regulus' hands all over him. James knows now that he can't write to Regulus. If he can't talk, he will show him. James knows now, while their lips are still connected in a soft kiss. That he would do anything for the smaller man across from him. If he can't run, and if he can't walk, he will crawl. Home. Is the only word that floats around James' mind. As he sinks deeper into the newfound feeling.