Chapter Six - A light
The following week was anything but smooth sailing. Regulus avoided James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter. He also avoided weed and social situations that involved people he knew. He snuck out early in the morning to go to the gym, then his new secret little job at the coffee shop down the street. He made sure he wasn't back home until after 5. When he could easily just slip into his bedroom unnoticed.
James knew something was wrong. Obviously, something was wrong because of their mini-fight a couple of weeks back. But soon, a month passed, and nobody had heard more than a string of sentences here and there from Regulus. Everybody was worried: Peter, Remus, and mostly Sirius, who had no idea how to reach his brother emotionally.
"What am I supposed to do, Remus?" James heard Sirius say to Remus one night. James was creeping the halls to go outside for a quick joint. And he caught the conversation and couldn't help but listen. "I can't talk to him because he won't speak to me, Any of us. He gets up, leaves, and comes home and hides away. I know he doesn't sleep because…" Sirius pauses, and James can sense the tears welling in his eyes. "Because I wait, Remus. I wait outside the door and listen. I wait and see if I can get the courage to knock. To go inside and help him. But every night is the same. I slowly walk back to our bedroom and die a little more inside because my cowardice is costing Regulus' well-being. He doesn't sleep, he doesn't eat. He only works himself tirelessly. And I can't do anything but watch."
James chokes on a sob. He can't hear anymore. I'm trying Sirius. I'm really fucking trying to help him. But James is scared he isn't trying hard enough. So, instead of smoking, he returns to his room and sits on his bed with a notebook. If he can't speak words to Regulus. He can try and write them. And hopefully, Regulus can reciprocate.
Once the pen hits the paper, the words flow out of him. He can't control his hand as it writes what he truly feels, and it's like a weight has lifted from him.
My dearest Regulus.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did. I was angry and confused. On why you had spoken to me so quickly that time in the hospital, but you wouldn't even look me in the eye that night. You say that I don't know you, and maybe you're right, but I want to. I want to understand. Help me understand. The entire situation we are going through here is confusing. And if you don't know what this is, that's okay. But let me figure it out for us. Because you are so much more than just Sirius' younger brother. Or Barty's ex-boyfriend. You're REGULUS. The brightest star. Help me show you how much you really mean to me, to everybody. You are never alone.
James.
He's shaking by the time he folds the letter in half. Small tears of shame are raking down his face slowly, each falling onto the paper. Making it almost translucent. He sniffs and wipes his eyes before making his way out of his room again. The time is 11:32 pm. All the lights in the house are out, and everyone is supposedly asleep. But James knows better. As he stalks outside Regulus' door, he can see a dim light inside. Probably a bedside lamp with a soft glow. James knows Regulus can't sleep in the dark; at least as a child, he couldn't. James knows that they were all happy before all this trouble entered everybody's lives. James would visit Sirius most days and nights, sleepovers every weekend regardless of whether Walburga had allowed it. Regulus was only two years younger than them, but initially, it was enough to feel like a baby had been tagging along with them. That was until one night, James had stayed over Sirius' house on the night of a big storm. James and Sirius were on the floor, playing some board game, unfazed by the thunder and lighting outside the window.
James remembers the door creaking open. James wasn't supposed to be over the Black House that night. Walburga and Orion had banned him from the house for making a "bad impact" on Sirius. This was a night only a couple months before Sirius packed up and left. James remembers being scared when the door opened. Ready for wrath from Mrs. Black. But was met by Regulus' cold grey eyes. By now, he was 14, and James and Sirius were 16. But age didn't defer fear. Regulus had just learned to hide it better.
"Sirius?" Regulus had called. His voice wavering, and his eyes glazed with sadness.
Immediately, Sirius dropped everything and ran to his brother's side. "What's wrong, Reggie? Are you okay?" Sirius asked. James didn't know what to do. These were the years that Regulus had stopped trying to follow them and hang out with Sirius, so James stayed quiet.
James remembers hearing soft crying and small whispers about the dark and the storm. That night, Regulus slept with Sirius in his bed, while James slept on the floor.
It took some courage, but James slid the note underneath Regulus' door. He felt childish. They were grown adults; couldn't they just speak about their problems like normal adults? Then James figures Regulus isn't normal. But that's okay, James thinks, because neither am I.