Chapter four - Can you Tell? (June)
Sunlight, raging headache, bacon. That’s all Regulus could think when he rose from the floor the following day. The warm sun was spilling across his room, warming the atmosphere. Summer. Regulus didn’t feel warm inside. But he did feel hungry; it burned in his stomach, and his arms stung with memory. He groaned as he stretched his back, sore from sleeping on a hardwood floor. A beautiful smell comes wafting into his room, bacon. Regulus fucking loves bacon. Or he did. Until Barty had compared Regulus to a pig, Black’s love for the treat suddenly turned sour. This didn’t stop his stomach from painfully grumbling at the thought of food. An idea he quickly throws away as he pulls himself to his feet dizzily. The small alarm clock that was thrown about last night reads 5:02 AM. Nobody should be awake at this time. Ever. However Regulus knows if he tries to sleep now, he probably won’t be able to bring himself to wake up.
So slowly but indeed, Regulus makes his way out of his bedroom, bringing along his new toiletries. He isn't sure who else is awake yet, and he doesn't plan on waking anybody up as Regulus slips quietly into the tiny bathroom. It's overflowing with personal toiletries that belong to his flatmates. Toothbrushes are strewn around the sink counter. It's all too overwhelming for Regulus, whose order is always known. He makes a mental note to simply leave his things in his room. Where nobody can see them and nobody can remember he lives there. Better not to leave a paper trail. Once he's freshly brushed and scrubbed, there's no leftover reminisce of yesterday on his body. He raids the closet Remus prepared for him and decides today he will go and try to find a job.
Regulus steps over something he had thrown about yesterday. Regretting making his room such a mess, he feels ashamed that he’d taken the lovely room that had been put together for him and turned it into a tornado. He doesn’t have time for that right now, though. Regulus’ mind is a tunnel, and the only thing on his mind is finding a job to occupy his time.
In the kitchen, James is busy at work. Remus sits at the counter across from him, sipping tea while reading the paper.
“Heard it’s going to be much warmer today,” Remus mutters. A faint breeze flows into the kitchen. James looks up from the pan he’s sizzling bacon on.
“Finally, I've been waiting for the summer weather,” James replies. They try to keep their voices quiet. Knowing Sirius isn’t a morning person, Peter prefers his own space in the morning.
Regulus walks into the kitchen quietly. His presence spooks Remus at the counter.
“Fuck, Reg didn’t see you there.” He says in surprise and Regulus flinches. He wasn’t trying to scare anybody, just simply trying to walk around the flat without anybody noticing him.
“Sorry, I, uh, I was just trying to leave quickly.” Regulus stumbles on his words. Edging his way towards the door.
“It’s like 6 o’clock in the morning, Regulus. Where are you off to?”James Potter's singsong voice fills his ears, and his legs are numbing. Regulus is glued to his place on the floor. His palms are sweating, and he can feel every fiber of air filling and leaving his lungs.
“I, uh, thought I would go looking for a job..?” He said cautiously, unsure of how James would react. Regulus doesn’t know what he was expecting; James, to yell? Remus to jump up and shame him for being ungrateful? It certainly wasn’t the look of displeasure on James’ face when he told Regulus.
“You just got out of the hospital, why don’t you just chill today?”
Regulus must have worn quite a surprised expression because James just laughed. “I’m sorry I wasn’t trying to tell you what to do. It just seems a little crazy to jump right up and get to work.”
It didn’t seem crazy to Regulus. He had a moment of weakness at the hospital. He allowed himself to rest there, but now he was back. He was perfectly fine. Sure, he was constantly paranoid, Barty was after him, and sure, he was still crippled with parental issues and ex-lover issues, but nobody needed to know that. Especially not James Potter, who knows most of the problems circulating around Regulus’ head right now as they hold eye contact. The fire that scorches his body could burn down a forest. He’s afraid that if he doesn’t remove his eyes from James,’ he never will. He’s scared he could drown in them; he’d let his lungs wither with the water of James’ honey-brown eyes. He’d hide there, safe.
"Yeah, uh. Good point." Regulus awkwardly attempts a smile but fails miserably and is left with a half-crooked grin. He doesn't know what to do now, suffering from embarrassment. He can't go back to his disaster room and slum.
“Come get some breakfast, Reg; I’m making bacon and eggs and shit,” James says, his eyes hopeful, and Regulus’ stomach sinks. He wants nothing more than to sit at the counter with Remus and James and enjoy breakfast like a normal person. To be normal.
Instead, that familiar disgusting feeling creeps into his stomach, and suddenly, he can’t fathom any food. “No, I'm all good. Not a breakfast person.” He says his feet are shuffling around on the floor.
Remus laughs from his seat on the island, sipping his drink again. “That won’t fly with James, Reg. He could cook for us day and night.” Remus snorts, pushing around the eggs on his plate. “Just give some of it a try. Or else he’ll be sad all day.” James suddenly looks at Regulus with humorous puppy eyes. For some reason, those eyes send waves of heat up Regulus’ body, and he can’t find the words to tell him no. So Regulus reluctantly sits down and forces down two pieces of bacon. He then excuses himself and throws up in the bathroom. Tears streaming down his face as he curses everybody who ever made him feel ashamed of his body. And he mostly curses himself.
So, since he’s been “banned” from going out to get a job, Regulus decides the next best option is going to the gym. So he quickly finds some joggers and an oversized T-shirt and leaves the flat. On his way to the gym he picks up a pack of smokes from a convenience store. Regulus knows he should kick the habit, but he’d just been hospitalized. He deserves a break. So as he walks to the gym that’s down the street from Sirius’ flat, he smokes three fags. Each exhale is another relief to his soul. Each exhale represents the last couple of days, his deteriorating life, and his heart-to-heart with James. Which will not leave his mind for his life. So as Regulus stubs out his last fag on the sidewalk, he decides to think about nothing for the rest of the day.
As he runs on the treadmill, he thinks of nothing. As he lifts until his arms scream, he thinks of nothing. As Regulus crunchs after crunch, he thinks of nothing. He keeps pushing for the burn, the ache of his arms and legs as he stands from the rowing machine. The dizziness that fogs his head. Regulus is deep in no thought as the employee comes over and taps him on the shoulder. Regulus flinches back from the touch.
"Woah, sorry, dude. Just wanted to let you know we are closing. Need any water? Workout looked intense…" The employee says, meaning there is no harm in his words. But Regulus' stomach curdles in disgust as he watches the man's eyes sweep over Regulus' body. Stop fucking looking at me! I know I look disgusting. Regulus scoffs and picks himself up, careful not to pass out as he leaves. The sun is setting outside the gym. Regulus hadn't realized so much time had passed. So he lights another cigarette and walks back to Sirius' flat.