Finally Clean

Everything is hazy. Regulus blinks his eyes open and is met with blinding light. He immediately closes them. Groaning as he slowly breathes in and out, his lungs struggling to cough out the remaining smoke. 

“Reggie! Regulus? Reg?” Somebody is shaking him. “Come on, Regulus, wake up!” They sound urgent. But Regulus doesn’t want to wake up. He wasn’t supposed to wake up. He’d come to terms with the end of his life. He tries to speak back to the person talking to him, he wants to tell them to shut the fuck up and to turn those fucking bright lights off, but every time he goes to speak, it only comes out as muffled groans. He opens his eyes again, allowing his pupils to adjust to the lights. He lifts his head, and the moment he moves it, it feels like he’s been bashed over the head with a rock. He can only throw his head back onto the pillow it was resting on. “Reg, please look at me…” Regulus identifies the voice as his older brother. Sirius! He yells in his head; he wants to jump up and throw his arms around his brother, cry into his shoulder, and tell him everything that happened. 

“Sirius.” Regulus rasps. A burn in his throat makes his entire body feel raw and limp. “What-” 

"No, Reggie, don't speak; it'll hurt." Sirius hushes his brother. Regulus is confused about where he is and why Sirius is with him. "You're in the hospital, Reg, s-somebody lit your house on fire. It was too much. The firefighters barely pulled you out." Sirius choked on a small sob; Regulus could hear and see his tears even with his eyes closed. Regulus opens his eyes again; this time, he can see clearly. He lifts his head slowly and sees he is in the hospital. A steady beeping on a machine next to him. Sirius stands next to Regulus's hospital bed. His eyes are heavy and bagged. Sirius looks like he hasn't slept in days. Next to Sirius is his best friend, James Potter. Regulus has known James since they were children, since they had often hung out together because Sirius and James are very codependent. 

“James?” Regulus says, confused. He understands why Potter would go with his brother to the hospital, but he’s still slightly surprised to see him. Regulus hasn’t seen James, or Sirius for that matter, in around five years. He looks good. Devastatingly good is the better word. He stands tall. Regulus guesses around 6’3. His brown arms are thick with muscle, and his dark brown curly hair falls slightly in his face. A strand falling over the thin-rimmed glasses he wears so well. He’s dressed less than causally in a random soccer jersey and grey sweats. Which is Regulus wasn’t lying down right now, he’d bet you could see the outline of his-  

“Hi, Regulus.” His thoughts are dragged out of the gutter when James speaks. His voice. Holy shit, his voice. Regulus had always had a little crush on his older brother’s best friend. It was natural; they spent so much time together, and James was just so… James. It was impossible not to find him incredibly attractive. “How uhm… Are you?” Sirius swats James’ arm. 

"You twat, he's in the hospital. He was on fire. And you're asking him how he is?!" Sirius gapes at James. Who only awkwardly smiles at Regulus. 

“I don’t know. I’m not good at this.” 

“Then maybe next time just let me talk.”

“He’s gonna be in a fire again?!” 

“No you fucking idiot, I’m saying just let me talk-” 

"Shut the fuck up, you two." Regulus strains, his voice hurting in his throat and lungs. He starts coughing violently, his throat parched for water. "Both of you tossers, stop talking." Sirius is rushing for the nurses for water, and soon enough, there's a cup pressed against his dry lips. It's so good; it soothes his raw throat and helps the pounding in his head weaken. "More." He begs when he finishes the small cup. Sirius snaps at James. 

“Go get him more water.” And James jumps up like a puppy and runs out the door. Now that it’s just the two brothers together, Sirius moves closer to Regulus. “Reggie, do you remember what happened?” Regulus sucks in a breath. Not ready to talk about everything, Barty, the razor blade, the smell of the smoke, him being okay with his own death. 

“I…” He begins, closing his eyes shut as he feels tears creep up his throat. “I don’t remember anything.” He lies, and Regulus remembers everything. The fear, the acceptance. He can’t decide which emotion was worse. 

“That’s okay, Reg, take your time. I told the police to fuck off until you woke up. They think… They think somebody lit your house on fire.” Sirius breaks the news like Regulus doesn’t know. And Regulus contemplates telling his brother Barty was the arsonist. But decides to let everything be peaceful for now because Regulus knows if Sirius knew Barty did this. Regulus gulps. Sirius would hunt down Barty and probably kill him. 

“I’m back!” James sings, skipping into the room. Seven different water bottles are held in his arms, and he dumps them down onto the small sofa across from Regulus’s hospital bed. I didn’t know which kind he liked, so I had to get them all.” Regulus feels his face heat up, and his skin crawls with an unfamiliar feeling. It’s good and evil, all tumbled together into one soggy blanket wrapped around his heart. 

“It’s just water, James; any of them would have done.” Regulus forces his voice to be cold, not wanting to show any hint that he’s immensely touched by the gesture. 

“I know, but each one tastes different, and I didn’t know-”

“All water tastes the same, James.” Regulus stifles a laugh, watching Potter’s mouth fall open in shock. As if this wasn't common knowledge. 

“Rubbish. Absolute rubbish.” James shakes his head, picking up three of them and opening them for Regulus before naming each brand and making him sip them all individually. Insisting each one had its own distinct flavor. 

Eventually, Regulus gets too tired to keep fighting this bickering. So he caves and agrees. “Oh yes, James, wait, I taste it.” Regulus doesn’t taste any difference between all seven waters. 

Throughout the day, several nurses run tests on Regulus. To see if he’s in any stable condition and if he should leave the hospital. They decide to hold him again for the night when they say this. Regulus all but loses his shit. 

“Wait. I’ve been here for over a day!?” He says frantically. He can’t believe he’d lost a day in his memory. Sirius wears a frown as he sits down next to Regulus on the bed. 

“Honey, you slept all day yesterday when they brought you here.” Sirius’s cheeks are wet again. Regulus hates that his brother can so freely show his emotions. “T-they weren’t sure you’d wake up.” James has to bring Sirius out of the room for a couple of minutes, and his older brother breaks down into a panic attack in the hallway. 

“So what happened when I was brought in?” Regulus asks, his heart is heavy in his chest. 

“Well, they had called Mom and Dad first.” Regulus flinches at their mention, and Sirius almost breaks down again. “When they didn’t answer, they called me.” 

“Mom and Dad didn’t answer?” Regulus’s voice is small. He knows they probably wouldn’t have. But it still hurts all over again remembering how much hate his parents indeed hold for their youngest son. The son who was supposed to be better than their first, the son who was supposed to bring pride to the Black family. But he’d just let them down all the same as Sirius. Except when Sirius left, he found himself a better life. Regulus only found himself in a new hell. A fresh hell with the devil waiting. 

“No, Reggie, I’m sorry.” And Regulus feels himself crying now; he can’t stop it; he hates that. He tries to wring back in his emotions. He tries so hard to pull his sadness back inside him and shove it down his throat. But he can’t. Regulus cries. Sobs breaks free from his throat, and Regulus weeps into Sirius’s embrace. James stands awkwardly in the background, quickly excusing himself to go to the bathroom. 

“I wouldn’t have expected them to care. But part of me hoped-” Regulus cried. Sirius just held his younger brother. Hating their sorry excuses for parents more than ever. 

"I know Regulus, I know." Sirius was crying again now, his tears soaking his brother's shoulder. "They don't deserve you." And Regulus knew how Sirius meant it. Sirius was telling Regulus that their deadbeat, assholic parents didn't deserve such a gentle, kind-hearted Regulus. But right now, the younger Black brother felt as if his parents didn't deserve such a disgraceful child. 

The rest of the day flows normally, as this situation can be. The police show up to question Regulus, but James all but cusses them out and kicks them out on their asses. Regulus is primarily quiet, allowing Sirius and James to entertain themselves. Regulus feels terrible that the two are leaving their lives on hold to be with Regulus. That thought is quickly shut down when James throws a pillow at Regulus as he begs them to go home. Night comes sooner than expected; the sun sets outside Regulus' hospital room, and his lungs have recovered a reasonable amount. He is no longer coughing leftover smoke out. And he pledges right then and there that he will never smoke anything. In the past, he'd only dabbled in weed, but now he knows he's done for good. Soon enough, the nurses are bringing Regulus nighttime medication. He takes the pills reluctantly, the pills reminding him of Barty. Who'd tried to convince Regulus one time to take some sort of prescription pills with him, but Regulus had refused; this eventually led to Barty tying Regulus to their bed and forcing himself inside Regulus for what seemed like years to Black. It was a hell that lasted forever, and when the sun shone through his window in the morning, he had never been more grateful for life. 

“Ready for bed, Reggie?” Sirius yawned, trying to tuck in his brother like they were young. 

“I’m not five, Sirius; I can put myself to bed,” Regulus complained, but deep down, he truly loved the gesture. “You two should return to your flat; don’t let me keep you here.” 

“Don’t make me have that conversation with you again, wanker.” James mutters from the sofa across the room. 

"I still don't know why you're here!" Regulus half-jokes, a slightly teasing edge to his voice. 

"Hey! He's my emotional support, James." Sirius says as if they're normal. Regulus rolls his eyes and hides his smile behind his hand. Sirius nods to sleep quickly, making Regulus feel even more guilty for keeping them here. He hears James lightly snoring on the sofa. Regulus wishes he could sleep that quickly, but it's always been challenging. Not with Barty always lurking, waiting for Regulus to be vulnerable to strike. He tries to rest his eyes, but the moment he feels a thread of relaxation take his body, his brain screams at him to wake up. Regulus forces his eyes back open. They hurt from lack of sleep. He peers around the dark hospital room, the tension in his shoulders easing when James and Sirius come into view. They sleep peacefully. Regulus hates them for that. The wind whips outside, swirling the trees and running through the grass. The tree right outside his window is swaying in the breeze; Regulus doesn't realize it's the wind. Once a branch from the tree scrapes the window, Regulus is on edge. It's Barty. His brain tells him. It's him. He found you, and he's coming to finish you off. Shivers sprint through his body, and his legs beg him to run. All of the air leaves his lungs, and he's winded. He's helpless, with IVs strapped to his arms, and he can't run. But he has, too. Regulus's brain is frantic, convincing Black that Crouch is here to get him. Nonononononononononono. Regulus chants, pulling the IVs from his arm and the heart monitor from his finger. He ignores the steady flatline that beeps when he removes it. God, I wish I was dead. The thought comes from nowhere. But he doesn't have time to dwell on that when the rustling outside picks up again, and he's sure he will be harmed soon. Regulus gets up from the hospital bed, ignoring how his bones ache and his head goes dizzy from lack of food. He creeps past James and Sirius, opens his door, and bolts down the hallway. His legs are running faster than his brain can keep up with it. His lungs are deflated and begging for rest once he makes it to the end of the hall. He doesn't know where he's going, but he needs to get away. Regulus hears footsteps down the hall, and his eyes go foggy. His mind becomes more manic, and he sinks to the floor. His back pressed to the wall. 

“Please.” He whispers, hoping anybody will find him before Barty gets to him. Regulus is shaking now, his fingers fumbling as he holds his hands over his eyes. The footsteps fall closer. They sound erratic, like running. Maybe jogging. Regulus can’t bear to look. He only makes himself smaller on the floor, curling into a ball of his tears and anguish. “Barty, no-” He whispers when he feels the footsteps right before him. 

“Regulus?” The voice asks. It’s smooth like honey and warm like summer. That’s not Barty. Regulus dares to open his eyes. He whimpers as he removes his hands from his face, holding them against his chest. Looking up, he only sees a large body standing over him. Glasses fall down the nose of the figure. “Reg, are you okay?” James. JAMES. 

“James?” Regulus croaks, his tears coating his cheeks and chin. 

"Yes, Regulus. It's James. I'm here." James sinks to his knees next to Regulus, who is still curled in a ball. James takes a hand and gently puts it on Regulus' shoulder, who immediately flinches away from the contact. 

“Please. James. I’m sorry.” Regulus sobs, picking himself up slowly until he’s sitting on the floor before James. 

“Shhh, shhh, Regulus, it’s okay.” James soothes. He tries to move his hand back to Regulus’ shoulder again, and this time, he succeeds. Regulus allows James to embrace him. Regulus pathetically falls into James’ arms, shoving his crying face into James’ large shoulder, silently crying. “What happened?” 

Regulus gulps, unable to find the words to articulate what he’s feeling. The fear. Oh God, the fear was consuming. “I thought Barty had found me.” He says quietly. Why am I telling him this? James, of all people. Regulus thinks in his head. He can’t answer his own question. 

“Why would you be scared of Barty?” James asks innocently, and Regulus remembers he hasn’t seen James in years. Neither James nor his brother knows about the change in his ex-boyfriend. 

Regulus sighs, feeling the confession on his tongue. He needs to tell somebody. “Barty lit my house on fire.” He then pulls James’ warm body closer to his and waits for the rest. It takes James a few moments. 

“Barty he- He lit- Why would he-” A stream of endless questions fell from Potter’s mouth. And Regulus needs to take a deep breath before answering any of them. 

“Listen, James. There’s a lot you didn’t know about Barty. He was particularly… nice to me…” Regulus decides wording it like this is easier than using gory details. James seems to understand immediately because his face softens, and Regulus swears that he sees James tear up. Regulus explains vaguely the events that led up to the fire, and James doesn’t make any crude remarks. He doesn’t interrupt or even break eye contact. Why the fuck am I telling him this? Regulus says in his head. Another question he doesn’t have an answer to. Eventually, he reaches the end, and James’ facial expression is unreadable. 

“I’m sorry.” That is all the brown-haired boy can muster to say. 

“No, it’s okay, I suppose I put most of it on myself. I wasn’t the easiest partner…” 

"No, Regulus, that doesn't make it okay?!" James almost yells, but they are still embraced together. Arms wound around each other, and Regulus is afraid that if he lets go, he'll be all alone again. "Love, you didn't deserve any of what was given." And these words pierce him through his chest because as much as Regulus wants to believe it, he can't. Instead of arguing with James, ultimately a losing battle, Regulus sighs into James' shoulder. Breathing in his warm, comforting scent. 

“Please. Don’t tell Sirius about any of this. I’m not ready.” Regulus whimpers, tears threatening to climb their way up his throat again. 

“Reg ‘course not,” James says, rubbing small circles around Regulus’s back. “But you need to sleep, it’s not healthy.” James stands up, pulling Regulus with him, helping hold up the smaller boy. Regulus’s head gets dizzy standing up so quickly, something he’s grown used to, just like the burning hunger in his lower belly. Regulus stumbles, almost passing out from the dizziness. “Let’s get you something to eat first, though,” James mumbles, slipping a firmer hand around Regulus’s waist. 

“Not hungry,” Regulus says automatically. “I’ll just go to sleep, thanks James.” As Regulus slips into his hospital bed, he can’t help but cry again. He feels so fucking weak, needing James to help comfort him in the middle of a hospital hallway. Oh, if my dear parents could see me now. He jokes and falls into a peaceful sleep. 

Regulus’ peaceful sleep only seems to last a blink. Before he knows it, the nurses are sticking him with prickly IVs, and he’s waking up. He groans, rubbing his eyes and sitting up abruptly. 

“Fuck off.” He growls. It’s far too early for anybody in the world to be awake. 

“Cheer up, Reggie. You have to leave today!” James’ chipper optimism makes Regulus feel sick, or maybe Regulus feels sick because memories of his encounter with Potter last night are all he can think about as they lock eyes. He knows James is remembering because his smile seems to dampen only a little. 

A nurse clears her throat. “Speaking of which, Mr. Black. I apologize for this news. However, your home wasn’t recoverable. It’s well….” Her eyes are nervous. 

"Burnt to the ground…?" Regulus confirms. A small tear worked its way into his eye. He worked hard to earn the money it used to buy that house. To finally move away from his parent's torment. To be free. And now, since he has nowhere to go, he'll have to come begging to his parents. Just like they said, he would. One day, very soon, Regulus, you'll regret making us hate you. Regulus gulps. "I'll just, I'll call my parents. I'm sure they'll welcome me back home." He gives a fake, reassuring smile to the clueless nurse. Who only then firmly nods, scribbles some stuff down on her clipboard, and leaves. 

“What! Reggie, no, you cannot go back there.” Sirius yells, throwing his water bottle across the room. This makes Regulus flinch, and he closes his eyes. “Fuck- Sorry Reg. I just. Fuck! I don’t want you going back there.” 

Regulus can only hang his head low. “I don’t really have much else of a choice Sirius. It’s not ideal. But I can work extra to save some money.” 

“It’s worse than ‘not ideal.’ It’s practically hell!” He exclaims, throwing his hands in the air. James silently agrees beside him. Trading one hell for another. Regulus thinks. Just my luck. 

“There isn’t anywhere else for me to go!” Regulus yells back in frustration. 

“Then you’ll stay with me,” Sirius says, his eyes hopeful. Regulus only contemplates for two seconds before answering. 

“No.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because.” Is the only rebuttal Regulus can think of. 

“That’s not a very good answer.” James chimes in. 

“Stay out of this, Potter.” Regulus bites back. “Sirius, you already live with half the population!” 

“I do not.” Sirius huffs, pretending to count on his fingers. “It’s only me, Moony, James, and Peter.” Regulus doesn’t bother to ask why Sirius only uses Remus’ nickname. He just sighs and shakes his head. 

“How many rooms do you have in your flat?” Regulus asks, “I don’t want to intrude.” 

“It’ll be fine. I have four bedrooms and one bathroom, which isn’t ideal, but neither is moving back in with our parents.” Sirius says, half-heartedly joking. 

“I’m not sleeping on the couch.” Regulus snorts, rolling his eyes. He might hate his abusive parents, but at least he’d have a room. 

“Diva much?” James laughs, and Regulus shuts him up with a look. 

“You would have a room.” Sirius doesn’t explain further, his face turning red, and James beams at him like an idiot. Are they? Regulus thinks, and he feels his blood run cold with jealousy. Sirius sees this inkling and shuts it down. “No! Not me and James, although it wouldn’t be the worst.” He jokes. 

“Don’t let Remus hear you say that; he’ll shoot me,” James replies. Regulus is shocked. He remembers Remus from the last time he’d seen him five years ago. Tall and brooding. Scars sketched their way down his semi-handsome face and neck. Always wearing those stupid ugly jumpers. Definitely, Sirius’ type now that Regulus looked further into it. 

“Congrats,” Regulus says dryly, and Sirius’ shoulder relaxes. 

“Thanks.” He breathes out. The tension leaves the room as Sirius continues to push. “So you’ll stay?” His eyes expand like a puppy, and Regulus is surprised he hasn’t fallen to the floor on his knees and begged. Regulus wouldn’t mind James begging on the floor. Wait what? 

“Yes. I’ll stay.”