Hello baby,
I know you probably miss us as much as we will miss you, but you have to understand that the effects of the war stayed with this family, even in our happiest moments, like the day you were born. We couldn’t bear the thought of ruining this family with our traumas and bad habits. We are sorry for all the days you saw us drinking and smoking until we passed out on the family couch.]
You may not realize it now, but we’ve tried, I swear. We went to therapy, we took a handful of medications every day and we tried getting better for you.
But everything that happened in the worst years of our lives, everyone that has died in front of our very eyes, hunted us until our last breath. It is honestly gut-wrenching to think that you will grow up and maybe resent us, maybe for having you while we were depressed and getting addicted, maybe for making you live somewhere else with your uncle, far away from all your friends, but it is what it is.
We also hope you will forget that rainy angst day that took us away as the night started. It was a day just like any other, me and your father were thinking of the dark times when lord Voldemort killed your mother Lily while drinking on the couch. And as the dark started to appear, we had gone away with the sun, little by little. I can’t exactly remember if it was the alcohol or if it was our hearts that stopped working, but the second I opened my eyes and saw your father glowing under the moon in the middle of a very dark forest, I knew that we were no longer going to be with you and maybe it was for the best.
We killed ourselves, but we know that you will be in great hands and will succeed in life. Maybe in some other world, we’ve had an intervention and learned how to cope with our past for you, but someone can only dream of that now.
In reality, let’s face it, we couldn't have done anything, we were destined to die together this way. Sirius, Remus, Marlene, Dorcas, and even Peter tried to help, but to no avail, we knew we were in a critical state, but at the same time, we didn't think it was that bad. Being addicted to something, especially when it destroys you and your loved ones, hurts and it is difficult to stop, you know?
It turns out that drowning in your sorrows and worries with these things is not the most brilliant idea someone can have, but amid the chaos of war, fights, family problems, identity crises, and eventually a pregnancy, despair speaks louder.
And that's how we started with this whole story, before managing to hold it together for a few years. I think it's worth highlighting that for a long time, between the pregnancy and Harry's birthday (I don’t know which one tho), we were fine, Reg and me in this case, because soon after I started dating him, he had the long-awaited masculinizing mammoplasty, and everything was getting better after a succession of stresses.
But then Lily showed up holding a baby that I didn’t even know existed, and I freaked out after she told me it was ours. But we eventually liked the idea of being parents and were over the moon with the news, even though Reg was scared that someone would refer to him as your “mom”.
But it didn't last long before our problems and addictions came back, with full force. And just like that, the house smelled like cigarettes and alcohol again. Along with the bitter taste of death after Lily’s passing, the very last act of Voldemort and his followers. I can't remember exactly when habits so dark and forgotten in a deep sleep resurfaced, but I'll never forget Harry's face watching me vomit until I almost passed out after drinking too much, or when he came across his other father smoking three packs of cigarettes in one afternoon. We were a lot worse than we thought, and now I kind of wish I had passed laying on Reggie’s lap, it would be the last bit of happiness I would have experienced.
And to be honest, you got rid of the people that were most hurting you. We are so sorry, son. Please seek help and talk with your uncle and our friends if you need to. We want you to continue with life and thrive.
With love, your fathers James and Regulus.