Chapter 14 - Talk
Chapter 14 - Talk
The planned vacation takes place in a Muggle hotel, near the sea. Albus can't complain, it looks really nice.
He and his family are on their way to the beach, Lily is already running ahead, pulling Ginny by the hand. Harry walks next to Albus, his arms swinging back and forth as if nervous.
"So," Harry begins and Albus instinctively closes his eyes for a moment. "How are you? Really? No lies, darling," Harry finishes his sentence, looking sternly at Albus, who visibly tenses up.
"Dad, I'm fine. Really. Even if you don't want to believe it," Albus explains, his voice too fast for him to slow down. But he doesn't want to. He wants to avoid this conversation as much as possible.
"I'll take it," says Harry, his words spoken slowly. "For now, at least,"
Albus simply nods and walks forward so that he can reach his mother and siblings. They have spread towels on the sand, Ginny has her hat on so that the sun doesn't shine so strongly in her eyes, she has real problems with that - her eyes can't handle the strong sun at all.
Lily is bouncing around on her feet, waiting for James so they can go into the sea together. James grins and winks at a strange girl who walks past them. She grins back.
"Damn, did you see that?" James asks Albus, who is standing next to him and still watching the girl. It doesn't trigger anything in him. She is pretty, yes, Albus can confirm that. But the bikini and her body don't trigger any reactions in him.
He frowns before remembering to answer James.
"Yes, I did," Albus replies and James grins wider. "She's pretty, isn't she?"
Albus simply nods. Even though he can't quite understand what exactly causes James to react this way.
"Do you think I have a chance with her? Or is she out of my league?" asks James, looking a little desperate. Albus shrugs.
"You have to talk to her. But don't let Mum and Dad find out about it," Albus says, James needs a moment to think.
"Do you think I'm going to get into bed with her right away?"
Albus immediately grimaces. "I don't know what's going on in your head."
James has to suppress a laugh. "Dude, I don't even know her properly. I'm not going to have my first time having sex with a girl I don't even know well enough. I'm saving that for that one girl."
"That one girl?" Albus asks somewhat stupidly, because he is no longer really following the conversation.
James nods. "Yeah, you know, the one with whom everything feels right."
"Wait, you think your first relationship will last forever?" Then Albus realizes. "Wait, you have a girlfriend! Are you going to cheat on her with that girl from before? What's wrong with you?"
Albus notices that James looks a little sad now. "We split up before the summer holidays."
Albus freezes as the words are spoken. "Merlin, I'm sorry, James," Albus says quietly, but James shakes his head.
"It's all good. But you understand what I mean, don't you?" asks James, looking happier again.
"Yeah, I think so. You don't want to have sex with someone you don't have feelings for."
This is the first time Albus has said the word sex. And it doesn't feel wrong. He may only be 13 and will be 14 next week, but this is still the first conversation in which he talks about sex.
Albus knew that it would come to this at some point and that this topic could no longer be banished. He understands that it is important to talk about it.
And it's easier to talk to your siblings than to your parents.
"Mum, Dad! James and Albus are talking about something they call sex! That's disgusting," Lily shouted loudly. James turns to her and looks at her sternly, but she sticks her tongue out at him and runs towards the sea.
Albus feels the blush creeping into his face.
Very slowly, Harry and Ginny turn to their sons. "You're too young, Albus," Ginny says immediately and in a serious voice, Albus snorts.
"I know that too."
"But you, James, are turning sixteen," Ginny says even more slowly than before, her eyes getting wider as the realization hits her.
"I think you have to give him the talk, Harry,"
Shocked and with his mouth wide open, Harry turns to Ginny. "Already?!"
"He's almost sixteen. It's better if you've talked about it in case something happens."
Now it's James' turn to blush like a tomato. Albus finds this conversation very entertaining at the moment and can't help but smile.
James looks to Albus for help, who shrugs. "You want to have sex," Albus whispers, grinning mischievously as James blushes even more.
"It's not that urgent!" James whispers back before Harry puts a hand on his shoulder. "Come on, James. Let's get this over with."
Albus laughs as he turns around and makes his way into the sea where Lily is already waiting. She grins widely before jumping onto Albus' back and submerging Albus' head under the water. Albus playfully throws Lily off his back into the water, Lily screams for a moment, which makes Albus laugh.
One thing Albus is really happy about is that he doesn't have to worry about sex or other intimate moments yet.
He knows that he will definitely have these thoughts too, but at the moment he is really glad that puberty has not hit him yet.
-
They have dinner in a restaurant that is part of the hotel. Albus notices that James keeps looking at Harry and Ginny with embarrassment, as if he is considering whether to erase their minds.
"Swimming is my favorite thing!" Lily says excitedly and Ginny kisses her on the forehead. "Can't you stay 11 forever? Two pubescent children are enough," Ginny jokes and Lily has to laugh when Harry contradicts her.
"Albus isn't in puberty yet," says Harry and continues eating his salad, which is the only food left on his plate. Ginny says it's healthy if he eats it up, Harry is not sure if he should believe it or not.
"But soon, dear," says Ginny, looking over at Albus, who is busy staring at a girl his age.
Why doesn't he feel anything? Why doesn't this trigger anything in him? Could it be because he isn't in puberty yet?
He frowns again before turning his head back to his family and flinching when he sees Ginny's sharp look.
Ginny has already worried enough about James today and now I'm going to worry her too, thinks Albus, feeling guilty.
Albus quickly picks up his fork, his fingers shaking slightly, and begins to finish his plate. The girl issue is still on his mind, but he tries to ignore it.
Lily nudges him and offers him her ice cream, but Albus declines. Lily mumbles something about "Your bad luck" and goes back to her ice cream.
For the first time in a long time, Albus feels okay being near his family.
They are not at Hogwarts, they do not have to conform to fit in, they can leave the rivalry between their houses behind.
It's okay.
It is pleasant.
-
He has to spend the night in a room with James. He has just come out of the bathroom, his hair is wet and he is so tired. He rubs his eyes when he sees that James is sitting on his bed, lost in thought, playing with his hands.
"Is everything okay?" Albus asks, as he would otherwise have no peace, knowing that he would leave James sitting there alone and not try to talk to him.
James doesn't answer immediately, so Albus sits down on his bed, his back pressed against the wall and his legs bent so he can rest his elbows there.
"Do you think it hurts?" James finally speaks and Albus doesn't understand anything. He shakes his head briefly before turning his face to the left to look at James, who is sitting on the other bed.
"In real words, please again?"
James scratches the back of his head uncomfortably. "Um, you know, um, well, sex." A frightened expression crosses James' face, and then Albus understands.
Oh.
Oh.
That's what it's about.
It makes sense, their parents aren't around, Lily isn't there. James can talk about his worries because only Albus is there.
Even though Albus would honestly rather go to sleep than have this conversation, Albus knows that James would be listening to him too and so Albus decides to stay awake.
"Well, I guess the first time will always hurt? But I think communication is best, you know? Because I mean, it would make sense if it hurt. But that doesn't mean it will be the same next time." Albus speaks slowly and tries to choose his words carefully, since he actually has no idea what he's talking about.
He just hopes it helps James.
He is still just thirteen, he doesn't know anything about it and actually doesn't want to yet.
"As I said, communication is the most important thing. That's the case everywhere anyway." He adds, as the silence takes over the room.
Suddenly James' expression changes and he looks at Albus in despair. "Merlin, I'm sorry, Albus. I shouldn't ask you, you don't know yourself and you probably don't even care, do you?"
Albus' heart beats as he thinks that he too will experience something like that. But when he thinks of having a girl so close to him, he feels sick. But when he thinks of having a boy...
He is torn from his thoughts when James laughs briefly and then has a big grin on his face.
"Did you just think of that?"
Albus blushes. "No, not at all. I'm not interested in it yet..." Albus' voice becomes quieter. "When did you first start thinking about it?"
James thinks for a moment, his eyes fixed on the wall above. "I think it was fourth year? Or fifth? Honestly, I don't remember. But it was either fourth or fifth when the thought first occurred to me. It was kind of terrifying. You don't think about things like that all the time and then one day you wake up and notice something is different. So one thing I definitely know is that it was damn difficult."
Albus's breathing becomes heavy as he takes the whole statement in. He stretches his legs and tries to relax his body.
"Honestly, you're not in love with any girl?" James asks, his voice full of curiosity and interest. Albus shakes his head quickly, his heart pounding in his throat as he remembers why he might not be able to feel anything for girls.
He is in love, yes.
But not in just anyone.
It's Scorpius.
"Maybe a boy?" James asks cautiously, and there is a hint of hesitation in his eyes as he asks Albus. Albus can see that clearly, but he misinterprets it.
His heart is pounding so loudly and he feels so sick that his ears are ringing as the thought occurs to him that James might suspect that Albus doesn't like girls. Hell, he doesn't even know it himself.
His hands are shaking and he instinctively hides them under the covers, he doesn't want to have to admit it. He doesn't want to have to feel it.
As soon as he says it out loud, it's true. And then he can't change it.
If he keeps it to himself, he may be able to deny it long enough to take it to his grave.
He hopes so.
His thoughts are eating him up from the inside, as if they were separating every fiber of his body from his soul, so that he remains nothing but an empty shell, surrounded by other people, with different masks that he can put on every day. To be different people so that he doesn't have to deal with his head and his feelings.
Why do I have to be different? I don't want to be different - these are the thoughts that come to Albus' mind as he feels like banging his head against the wall. Why can't he be like James?
Popular, the other students love him, the girls love him.
"What? No, I'm not," Albus replies when he manages to tear himself away from his own thoughts, but he says the words a little too quickly for James' liking, but he lets it go.
"Do you want to go to sleep?"
Albus' eyes dart over to James. "Is there anything else you want to say? If you're scared of your first time, you can talk about it. I'm listening," Albus' voice is gentle as he tries to make James understand that he would listen to him at any time. Even if they don't actually have a good bond at the moment.
Albus knows that once they are back at Hogwarts, they will go back to their old ways, being distant from each other and letting the rivalry between the houses affect their relationships again.
"It's okay, Albus. You've already helped me. Sleep well," James replies quietly as he turns off the lamp next to the bed and turns onto his side.
Albus watches this before he sighs and turns onto his side. "Good night," he whispers before his eyes close and he dreams of Scorpius laughing.