Changes
Everything was normal. It was supposed to be normal, but some small things seemed to have changed. Things Barty could not put his fingers on to explain what exactly they were and in which way they had changed. Also he wasn't able to stop pondering about it, trying to wrap his head around it.
The rest of the weekend, after their post-party meeting, he didn't leave his room again, lying in his bed and staring at the ceiling. His head still stuck on the things that happened at the party. The way he found himself dancing with someone, but not looking away from Evan. Evan, who danced with Mary, and he also not turning his eyes away. Barty wanted to prove himself something when he had leaned in to kiss the girl that was with him to make himself stop staring, except this didn't happen.
Instead, he had watched as Evan's lips met Mary's. Instead, he stared again into the blue eyes of his friend. It felt so wrong. It felt as if he interrupted Evan. It felt so good at the same time to know they both only had eyes for each other. It was overwhelming how intimate the moment felt. If it hadn't been for Mary, who had stopped the kiss between her and Evan, he would have never stopped to watch Evan kissing someone. Which was at the same time weird, since he never thought there would be a day he had to see it. Evan never talked about feelings, let alone about those of romantic or sexual nature. So, to see him making out with someone was a great shocker for him.
He wondered how Evan must have felt. How his lips must have tasted. Did he feel the same when they looked into each other's eyes? Barty's thoughts were spiraling about this one topic and about Evan, as they always did in some way. It set him so much off, he didn't even have the interest to deal with his father, who came back on Sunday. Not even the man he was so scared of could stop his mind.
The new school week started and helped him to snap out of his trance. Not that he was able to concentrate or to shove his thoughts away, but he had to be normal around his friends. He felt no need to pull Dorcas' attention and questions to him. Evan made this complicated enough, since both of them were tiptoeing around each other, awkward about how they should act around each other. And when school was over, Barty vanished into his room.
In retrospect, this was not a good strategy since he didn't want to get attention and unwanted questions. On the Friday, one week after the party, Dorcas dragged him off to a lonely corner, interrogating him.
“Why are you not meeting up with us? What happened?” She asked him, missing no beat when there were no students left around them. Barty ran a hand through his hair.
“Nothing. I just-” he started, not sure how to complete the sentence.
He just... what?
He was just confused about seeing his friend kissing someone else? About the fact they stared at each other while kissing someone else? Which was a bad move in itself for both of the girls.
“Is it because of what happened at the party?” Dorcas pushed further, squinting her eyes at him. He groaned silently.
“No? What do you mean? What happened...” He tried to ask back, but she stopped him with a single hand move.
“Don't play dumb. You know exactly what I mean.”
He decided to keep his act on playing dumb, sending her an asking glare. With his arms crossed, he used the wall to steady himself.
“The kiss, Barty. Evan kissed someone, and you two acted weird on Saturday about it,” she told him, sounding utterly annoyed by his attitude. Which was fair, since he also had no nerve to do this conversation.
“Why are you acting so weird about it?”
He turned his head away to check on the hallway. Still no students in sight, which made him feel miserable.
“It was just weird to see him kiss someone else,” he responded.
“I mean, he never told us if he fancies someone,” he added. His words made Dorcas pull her face into a grimace. There was pity in her eyes again.
“Do you think he fancies Mary?” It left his mouth before he really could think over it. Dorcas' eyes lingered on him for a while, then she shrugged.
“I don't know. Evan is not really a talkative person when it comes to his feelings.”
And that was the point, wasn't it? How would he know if his friend actually developed a crush on someone? Would Evan even tell him? Barty was not sure about it. He frowned.
“But that's not all, is it?” She seemed to rip his skin away to get to the truth he didn't know by himself.
“I'm... I'm just confused,” he admitted. It made her laugh. “Yeah, hell you are. But seriously, talk to him and start to act normal with each other again.”
°° °°
The door to Barty's room was closed. No one was able to enter his little realm. The window was wide open, letting the cool air of a rainy day in. The curtains looked like ghosts dancing with the wind breezes entering the room. In the background was playing some music. Calm beats and deep lyrics, Barty was not able to wrap his head around. With the sound of rain, it made a good combination. His hand reached the joint to the other boy next to him. Their fingers brushed, and Evan took a deep inhale, coughing slightly. Barty turned his head to look at him. His light curls were a mess, and his eyes dazed. The smoke leaving his mouth made him appear magical, as if he were some creature not from this planet.
Getting high with Evan was one of the things Barty always enjoyed. Again, Evan coughed a little bit. Barty smiled at him, taking the joint back.
“Take it slow,” he said, breathing in the smoke. All the time his eyes stayed on Evan, who also looked at him. “Your mother will be angry when she finds out,” Evan ignored his words from before. His tone sounded more questionable. Barty exhaled, shrugging.
“I don't think she will. She doesn't come often into my room,” he replied, wanting to bring the joint to his lips again, but Evan stole it away. The boy's grin was cheeky, and it made his head spin.
He watched how the boy got an idea; he acted on it only a few seconds later. With the joint between his lips, he stood up to wander to the window. The curtains surrounded him as he danced to the music, flowing away. Barty knew that his state probably gave him the illusion, but it looked so beautiful in the way the whole scene seemed to soften around each hard edge. Evan looked surreal, as if he were a ghost himself. And he almost forgot to continue breathing.
Barty's feet brought him off the bed, closer to his friend, stealing the joint back. Evan bumped into him, causing him to stumble back a bit. Barty hid his nose into his curls, breathing him in. Him. Evan.
Evan. Evan. Evan.
Two arms slung around him. Both of them had too much, being too high, but he felt so happy, leaning more into this moment, having Evan all over him and in his arms. This was so much better than being separate in different people's arms. He wanted to consume him. Him. Evan.
They ended up in Barty's bed again, cuddled close together. Time flew by, but for Barty it felt like the world stopped for now. Evan's head landed on his chest at some point, his fingers caressed his skin, making him slightly shiver.
“Was the kiss good?” The question came over his lips suddenly. He couldn't remember thinking about it. Evan hummed at first, opening his eyes, laying them on his face, trying to focus.
“The kiss?” He asked, confused.
“With Mary?” He helped him to sort his thoughts. Evan's eyes widened before he turned to lie on his back. “It was fine,” he whispered. His eyelids fell shut.
“Fine?”
Evan didn't answer, and when Barty looked at him, he realized he had fallen asleep.
°° °°
Barty's mother checked on them in a mistrustful manner as they sat together for dinner. Barty's father had gone out to meet colleagues. And so Evan was allowed to eat with them. She made some cheese pasta, which was delicious, especially after both of them had been high. Evan still felt lightheaded, and so hungry.
“It's so good, Mrs. Crouch,” he told her right before he asked for another portion. With a smile she gave him some more. Barty laughed under his breath. Evan turned his head to him. Barty mustered him while eating his own portion. He kicked his leg under the table.
“You can call me Martha, dear.” Barty's mother reminded him. Evan nodded.
“So... What did you do until now?” She asked them, sending them curious glances. Shortly after Evan had come over, she left to do some shopping and just get out of the house, since her husband's appearance was quite draining. That was what Barty had told him. Said boy coughed a bit.
“We mostly chilled, listened to music...” he replied, while Evan shoved food into his mouth to hide his forming grin. Again, his mother lifted a brow at her son.
“I told you!” He defended himself under her gaze. She accepted his answer, not asking again.
Done with dinner, they all cleaned up, and the two boys decided to take a final walk before Evan had to leave for home. Not that his parents really cared, but they acted strict when it came to him being too late at home. The air was fresh and cleared his head a bit. With the fog lifted, the world seemed a little bit harder and more clear. They walked in the woods.
“I think she didn't believe you, Barty. You might get yourself into trouble,” Evan joked, letting his shoulder bump into Barty's.
“Yeah, whatever. The next time we get high somewhere else,” he answered, which made Evan smile. He still felt a little bit at the mercy of his own emotions. Not really able to control them yet. Being high made it easier for him to just let himself go, to let feelings come through.
“Sounds good,” he hummed in agreement, pushing his hands in his jacket pockets.
With the coming silence, he realized Barty was thinking. Probably about something he wanted to say but did not know how to bring it up. Evan breathed out.
“Just say what you want to say,” he tried to encourage the other boy, sending a glance to the sky. It was getting darker. At the tree he last climbed on, as only Regulus was with him, he stopped. Barty had an unsettling energy surrounding him as he turned to him while rubbing the back of his neck.
“Does it mean anything? The kiss with Mary?” Barty spluttered, biting his lip directly after the words hung now between them.
Evan stared at him. The kiss was one week ago. He thought everyone had already forgotten about it, but that seemed to exclude Barty, as well as himself. The other boy started spiraling; he saw it, but he still didn't know how to react.
“You never tell about... I mean, that's fine. I just wanted you to know that if there is a person you like, you can share it with me... us. With us, I mean, sorry-” Evan interrupted him when he shook his head, playing with his shirt hem before pushing his hand through his locks.
“I don't have a crush on Mary. It was just... tryingout.” Evan brought himself to answer, a blunt lie. He already knew girls were never part of his attraction. Barty looked at him for some minutes before he closed his eyes, and a smile took over his face, followed by a shaking laugh.
It made Evan wonder what that meant. If he didn't know better, he would say Barty was relieved. But he knew Barty, and he believed him when he said he liked girls. His heart ached. Being hit by a sudden sadness, he had to step back.
°° °°
The boys hung out together. Dorcas was off with Marlene, in hope of winning them over. She already did; all of them knew, besides her. Pandora was on a trip with the club she was in, visiting an exhibition about nature.
So the three of them sat close together. Regulus read a book he started the day before, and Barty and Evan were watching people, sharing their thoughts about what they did, where their destination was, and what relationship they've had with someone else.
“I think the sports teacher will fuck our arts teacher,” Barty stated, and made Evan choke on his drink.
“Really. I mean, look at them leaving so close together. I'm sure they will do it,” he explained, leaning close to Evan's ear. He slightly shivered, not without feeling heat wander into his face. Regulus made a disgusted noise.
“Maybe they just talk,” Evan suggested after his coughing fit. Barty clicked with his tongue. “And then they fuck. Easy. Done.”
Evan shook his head, laughing about his friend's theory.
“In what position are they going to do it? What do you think, Ev?” Barty leaned again closer to him. Evan stopped to breathe, being overwhelmed by Barty so close to him and the weird shit that left his mouth every time he was bored.
“For fuck's sake, stop talking about teachers having sex,” Regulus cut in.
“If you're horny, search for someone to get fucked,” he added, sending a dark glare to both of them. Evan shrugged at him helplessly. Barty groaned.
“You're so boring and prude. It's natural, you know?” Barty provoked his best friend and slung an arm around Evan's neck.
“And you're fucking weird. Get fucked.” Regulus scoffed, frowning at him. Evan pretended to not be there. Until Barty's eyes stopped at him, a smile growing on his lips.
“Do you come?” he asked in a playful tone. Evan arched an eyebrow at him. “For what?”
“To fuck.” Barty winked at him. And Evan shoved him away and gave him a slap on the back of his head.
“In your dreams, darling,” he huffed. Barty whined, and Regulus sent now confused glances, even though the disgust never really left them.
They had to leave their place eventually. The break was coming to an end. Barty slung his arm around Evan again. Evan let him. Regulus looked as if he didn't know them, walking next to them nonetheless.
“Just for the record, it would probably be one of my best dreams,” Barty said proudly, leaving the other two boys speechless until he detected Dorcas in the crowd, running away to her. Regulus and Evan stayed behind, following him only with their eyes.
“What happened?” Regulus asked him, not turning to him.
“Happened? Nothing, why?” He just said. Regulus huffed softly.
“I don't believe you. You two have been acting strange since the party. With every passing day it gets worse.” Regulus insisted on his words. Evan's thoughts slipped to the party. With a swallow, he shot a glance in their friends' direction. Both of them were already far away now.
“I do not know myself,” he answered. To be honest, that was the whole truth. Barty acted weird. From first of all distancing himself from everyone to their meeting on the past weekend, as they got high together, and the question if he had a crush on Mary. He didn't dare to think it might be because the other liked him back. It wasn't possible. They were not bound to happen, he believed it, since he had to remind himself constantly. Hope was a dangerous thing, after all.
After their meeting, Barty grew clingier again, always sticking close to Evan, always in his space, always breathing the same air. What did that mean? He didn't want to think about it. He would end up overthinking everything they did, they said...
The party changed a lot for him. A lot he was not ready to wrap his head around it, to think back.
“Too bad. You can share your thoughts with me if you feel ready to include me in,” Regulus said in a gentle tone, laying a hand on his arm. Evan thanked him with a short glance at him.
“I will. Just not now...or here.”
Regulus accepted it. He never dug too deeply, always respecting borders. If he knew something, something Evan still had to figure out, he would not tell. Evan appreciated this a lot since he hated it when people started pointing out his feelings. It made him spiraling, bringing up the urge to run and hide away. So in some way, Mary had been one step too close to him with her implications after the girl had admitted knowing about his feelings for Barty as well. He was glad no one asked about it, not even Barty. Since the party, Evan knew almost everyone in their friend group was aware of his crush, except Barty, who still was oblivious to every emotion surrounding him. As it seemed, they were not the only ones to know (Mary), which was of great concern for him. He hoped he misunderstood her and she did in fact not know. But he was more of a pessimistic person. So with his luck, she had seen through him, and his only hope was that she kept it secret. He will not know, because there was no way he would go to her to have a conversation about the party and about specificimplications. So hope it was. Hoping she was not a person to spread rumors.
°° °°
“Oh, fuck me then!” He yelled as he pulled his shoes on with his fuming mother in his back.
“Watch your language. I will not allow you to talk to me with that attitude of yours. Your father will also not have it,” she threatened for another time; Evan long lost count. He stood up to look her in the eyes.
“Do I look as if I care? I fucking talk the way I want. I do shit the way I want, and I will definitely not watch my fucking tongue,” he spit back. In seconds she was in his space, her hand landing on his cheek. It stung, not that he really felt it, though. Getting hit by her stopped hurting a long time ago. He just flashed her a big grin, already opening the door.
“Your father will hear about it, boy.” Another threat, and one Evan took seriously, but not in front of her.
“Yeah, whatever. I hate you too,” was his answer before he left the house in a hurry. His father would probably come back soon. Being caught before he was away would be its own tragedy.
As soon as he was out of her sight, he pulled a package of cigarettes he stole from his father's office out of his pocket and lit one. Breathing the smoke in, he coughed slightly when he entered the woods ground. The taste weighed on his tongue while he wandered around to search for Regulus. He stopped at the sight of the tree he climbed on before. He finished his cigarette, starting to climb the tree for a second time. Halfway over the ground, he heard the rustle of leaves on the ground. He cast a glance down, spotting the boy with black hair on the feet of the tree. Regulus stared up at him.
“Come!” Evan shouted, only to receive a bewildered frown back.
“Forget it. Come down!” Regulus responded. With a sigh, Evan made his way down.
“Boring,” he mocked him, barely as his feet hit solid ground.
“I don't have a death wish, thank you very much.”
Evan smiled at him and fetched the cigarette package.
“Want one?” He asked. Regulus' face lit up before he took one. Evan handed him his lighter (also one he stole from his father some time ago). Silent, he watched as the other boy started to smoke, his face relaxing within the first breaths.
“Where did you get them?”
“My secret.”
Regulus sent him a mistrustful glance. Both of them started to walk away, leaving the tree behind.
“They are my father's,” Evan admitted under a cough. Another glance in his direction was cast, but no comment was made.
“He's going to punish me one way or another anyway, so why not enjoy this shit in the meantime?” he added with a shrug, pushing his hands into his pockets. Regulus hummed, smoking in silence for a good while. Silence with Regulus was the best, no pressure and no worries. It worked perfectly fine for both of them.
“It doesn't matter what we do. They will always find a reason,” Regulus muttered. And it was true. For Evan's parents it was enough if he felt a little too much. Too much joy. Scream. Too much sadness. Scream. Too much anger. Violence. Sometimes even silence was not good enough for them. His laugh was bitter. Their parents were somewhat fucked.
“We will run away someday,” Evan promised him, and as he was eyeing his friend, he knew Regulus didn't believe him, but he meant it. Really, he did. Regulus might have given up, believing he was locked in a cage for his whole life, but he had Evan. Evan would save him. If Evan could save himself, he would also be able to save his friend. It gave him hope.
He started to laugh after a while and confused Regulus. He didn't ask; he was just glancing at him.
“You know, my parents would explode if they knew I was into boys. The tragedy of having a gay son,” he explained his outburst. Regulus smiled at him, nodding after a minute thinking about it.
“My parents would probably fall into their graves if they knew. Not only me being gay, but Sirius as well, and he has a boyfriend on top of that,” Regulus added to Evan's illusion. Sadly, it wasn't that easy. His parents head would not explode. Regulus' parents would not have a heart attack. Maybe it was mean of them to think about their parents in this way, but they never knew the comfort of a loving family.
“Are you going to be fine? Later, I mean.” Regulus asked when they fell silent again, realizing all they had talked about was not supposed to become real. They were just teenagers, scared of their parents and doomed to live in places that were never homes for them.
Evan sighed, letting the air out of his lungs. His head stopped him to think about later.
“Yeah, I will, Regulus,” he replied, sending a smile to the other boy. Both of them knew it was a lie, but because they knew, they dared not to point it out. Both of them knew better than to wake up sleeping monsters.
“I kissed Mary,” Evan stated, sitting down on a fallen tree. Regulus followed his lead. Both of them stared into the distance, listening to the bird's songs.
“I know,” Regulus said, and it almost got lost in a wind breeze that tore at their clothes. The air suddenly felt colder around them. The sky grew darker. Clouds had hidden the sun away, stealing the warmth from the earth.
“I- It didn't mean anything.”
“Yeah, well. I know for sure you're pretty much gay. Maybe that's why.” Regulus mocked him for his words. The teenagers giggled. Evan shoved the other a bit.
“I looked the entire time at Barty, who also had kissed someone at the exact same moment. He- I mean, we looked at each other.” It sounded weird spoken out loud. He whined, pushing his hair back, not without pulling his face into a grimace.
“Wow, I really missed the spicy stuff, did I?” Regulus deadpanned. Evan hit him lightly. “Shut the fuck up.”
“Let me guess, you never talked about it, and that's why you two act weird?”
“There is nothing really to talk about. I mean, he likes girls and is allowed to kiss everyone he wants to. I'm allowed as well,” Evan retorted. For him this was the best explanation.
“But that's not what it is about, is it?” Regulus asked, and it made him freeze.
“Listen, you two don't really share what you're feeling. So, how would you know?
You can always talk yourself into thinking it doesn't matter, but it does. You feel something about it. You are allowed to feel something about it. This is not just about a kiss. This is about what happened between you two, if I may say so.
And as for Barty, I also once thought I was attracted to girls. And even if it's true... The point is you can not know what he's thinking if you two never talk about it,” Regulus explained after he saw Evan's confused face.
Evan had to think about it, to sort it, to understand it in its full content. The sun fought its way back from behind the clouds, breaking through them and sending its golden light on the earth again. Regulus' hair glowed golden. Evan lifted his eyes to muster him.
“I'm afraid of losing him,” he whispered. His throat felt dry like he hadn't drunk for days. Regulus sent him a sad smile. “I'm sure he is too.”
It was not much, but barely the idea of Barty caring about him sent shivers down his spine. His eyes wandered up to the sky, and he watched clouds passing by for a while. It still felt cold even though the sun was shining again.
“I don't think our friendship will survive if he knew about my feelings. If he knew what I was thinking about when I saw him kissing someone else. Someone but not me. He would hate me if he knew...,” he started, not able to finish because breathing felt hard suddenly. The pain hit him with such a force, ripping him apart. All of him, his heart felt like exploding. He let his eyes fall shut, trying to come back to the surface, to not drown in the pain.
“Then stop hurting yourself and move on,” and yes, maybe that was for the best.