it was still dark out.
it was still dark out, the sun wasn’t even up yet, the moon was still high in the sky.
and yet regulus was awake.
nestled in a warm cocoon of james’ arms,
he was trying not to cry.
it had been the perfect evening,
a perfect way to say goodbye.
his eyelids were pressed together, tears falling out slowly, as he felt james’ warm arms tighten around him in his sleep.
if it was anyone else, he would feel claustrophobic.
but not with james.
never with james.
there was no one else for him, but james.
he was forging his own destiny with his hands bound.
he took a shuddered breath, opened his eyes, and slowly slid out of james’ warm embrace, trying to memorise the feel of his arms around him, knowing it would be the last time he would ever feel it, knowing it was the last time someone would love him.
he climbed out of their bed, trying not to wake james up. this would go easier for both of them if he stayed asleep.
but, curse james, he never listened, he was always so stubborn.
but, curse regulus, he was too good at obliviating spells, too good for his own good.
3 years later
james fixed his bow tie in the mirror, glancing nervously at his reflection. he was nervous for today, but he wasn’t sure why. remus was out of town on work, so he was sirius’ plus one to a fancy dinner, or something similar. to be honest, he didn’t really know what it was.
he spiffed his hair, flicking his wrist, smiling in the mirror.
no one else was in the house to say goodbye too, so he apparated from his room.
and he was off.
“PRONGS!” sirius yelled, as soon as james apparated in. “YOU’RE NEARLY LATE!”
james glanced around, having landed just outside the front entrance gate of the house. or, rather, the mansion. the castle. the fortress. it was huge.
“sorry, pads, got caught up doing my hair.” james smiled at sirius as he threw an arm over his shoulders. “shall we?”
“we shall.” sirius turned his nose up and clutched james’ arm, a perfect recollection of many of the people who were apparating alongside them.
james plastered a smile on his face as he looked around and took everything in.
it wasn’t quite a real smile, but that was okay. he hadn’t truly smiled, hadn’t felt his heart beam, in about three years. he wasn’t sure why, but maybe that was just part of growing up.
“um, pads, what exactly sort of event is this?” he turned to the side, but sirius’ eyes were fastened elsewhere.
james followed his gaze. he was staring straight at the back of a boy, turned around so you couldn’t quite see his face. he had short, dark hair, and a lean build, but he wasn’t very tall. as his eyes locked on the back of the boy’s head, james felt something in his heart clench.
what?
sirius did not move his head, but muttered, “damn. reggie’s here. haven’t seen him in a while.”
reggie. regulus. sirius’ brother.
james felt his heart clench again.
“i..”
he felt like he should be gasping for air.
“i thought he was dead?”
“nope.” sirius sounded grim. “nearly died. he went after the horcruxes alone. knocked three off before anyone caught up to him. lucky his friend pandora did, cause he was almost dead when she found him. not sure what happened after that, but, voldemort’s dead now, so he must have found the rest, or someone else.” he cleared his throat. “haven’t seen him in a few years. got my information from barty. reggie doesn’t want to see me.”
james couldn’t breathe.
what?
he was alive?
why did he expect him to be dead?
why did it hurt so much?
regulus walked away without turning around.
no.
fuck.
come back,
james thought.
what?
“come on.” sirius sighed. “let’s go get drinks and socialise before someone sees us just standing here.”
james let himself be led away, eyes still fixated on the spot where regulus had stood.
he went through the rest of the evening on autopilot.
he looked everywhere sirius dragged him for regulus,
but he was never there.
it took all night for james to return to his senses. he went through some of the grounding exercises his mum had taught him when he was young, breathing in a pattern, noticing colours in things around him.
he was finally present again, off autopilot, and he joined the conversation sirius was having with the prewetts, friends of theirs from school.
they laughed as they reminisced about old pranks and detentions, sneaking out at night, and quidditch matches.
but james couldn’t remember so much of his later years at hogwarts. he wasn’t sure why, neither was the mind healer he had seen when he realised he hardly remembered any of 7th year.
when he asked sirius where he was, he simply told him he didn’t know. apparently, james had snuck off many times, and sirius wasn’t sure where he went.
it was a fucking mystery that annoyed him to no end. so much of his life after school had felt like something was missing.
he tried to act as if he remembered in the conversation, and he did remember a few of the pranks,
but so much was missing.
finally, dessert was served, and james was relieved it was the last meal of the night. maybe some sleep would help his heart stop hurting so badly.
maybe he needed to see the healer again.
sirius ended the conversation with a glance at james, waiting until the prewetts walked away to fixate his attention on him.
“what’s going on, prongs? you’ve been out of it all night. are you okay?” he asked, genuine concern in his voice.
“i…i think so. i’m sorry, i think i’m just…tired.” he smiled slightly.
“why don’t we head out then.” sirius clasped his arm again, looking around in front of them. “don’t think we need to say bye to anyone else, so..” he stood up, gently pulling on james’ arm so he would stand too.
james stood up.
he pushed in his chair mindlessly.
he took one last drink of his water.
he turned around.
he met a pair of grey eyes, staring straight into his,
and he fell to his knees.
his eyes were still locked in the grey ones, and he felt sirius’ hand on his arm, then on his face, then on his chest, but he did not remove his gaze, didn’t even blink.
fuck, his heart hurt.
and all at once, it was like a tidal wave.
everything he had been missing flooded his mind, his body, his heart.
he felt as though he was going to float up and away and his heart was going to explode.
with his eyes still locked on the grey ones, his knees still on solid ground, he saw.
and he remembered.
running through hallways, sneaking kisses between classes, late nights by the lake, sex in their dorms when they were sure their roommates were out for the day, secret notes and secret gestures, eye contact, falling asleep together, sneaking out to be together, holding hands in secret, graduating, buying a flat, talking about the future, crying together laughing together loving together loving each other
and
silence
until it wasn’t
it was loud
and
everything
was pulled away
regulus
was pulled away
regulus pulled away
crying and pleading
sobbing and dying
shattering and stealing
and then it was quiet
and his heart hurt.
and it never stopped.
not until right at this dinner party,
when he met a pair of grey eyes,
and his heart stopped hurting.
and resumed loving.
“regulus”
he breathed,
and the grey eyes blinked.
he fell back, back into sirius’ arms, and he knew.
this was the missing piece.
regulus was his missing piece.
and then everything went black.
2 days later
james awoke with a start.
regulus.
that was all he could think of.
regulus.
where was he?
he looked around.
he was so thirsty.
he wanted regulus.
to hold him to kiss him to hug him
to talk to him
he was in a dim room. slytherin posters lined the walls, green and silver streamers hung down.
the memory clicked into place.
he was in regulus’ room at grimmauld place.
he had been here before, the memory was playing in his head now.
they had stayed here for a few weeks after regulus graduated, before they bought a place of their own. they kissed and had sex and made plans for the future in this room.
he remembered.
he pulled the covers off the bed and stumbled out, only one thought in his mind.
he opened the door and peered into the hallway. he covered his eyes with his hand, it was so bright. he wasn’t sure how long he had been asleep.
he knew the layout of the house, and it came flooding back as he walked down the corridor.
left, right, straight, down the stairs, left, straight, left again, he made his way to the kitchen. he needed water.
he stumbled into the kitchen after a few minutes, his eyes finally having adjusted to the lights. the kitchen was brightly lit, and regulus was there.
james walked into the kitchen and regulus was there.
james was in grimmauld place and regulus was there.
“regulus” he breathed, and regulus looked up.
the grey eyes met his again,
and he felt so full.
regulus stood up and within seconds wrapped his arms around james. james hugged him back tighter than he thought he could,
but his only thought was
do
not
let
go.
do not lose this again.
“james.” regulus whispered,
and
fuck,
that voice.
it was the voice that whispered to him, joked with him, laughed with him, cried with him, told him it loved him.
james couldn’t hold it back anymore, but he had never been very good at controlling his emotions. he always wore his heart on his sleeve, and now, his heart fucking hurt.
he sobbed onto regulus’ shoulder, holding him as tightly as he had before, and he cried.
he cried for a while, and he felt regulus shaking and thought maybe he was crying too.
he wasn’t sure how long it had been when they pulled back slightly, but both of their faces were tear stained.
regulus lifted a hand up to wipe the tears off james’ face, but it was no use, at his touch, james cried harder.
“oh, baby,” regulus whispered, and he led them to the sofa, helped james sit down, and held him in his arms as james cried and cried.
after a while, the tears slowed. he fell limp in regulus’ arms, and for a moment, regulus thought he might have tired himself out enough from his crying that he fell back asleep, but his eyes were still open, fixated on regulus’ face.
“why-” he started, but his voice was hoarse from crying. he cleared his throat. “why did you steal my memory?” he asked, his words quivering, his body shaking.
“oh, baby” regulus whispered, and gently kissed james’ forehead. “i’m so sorry.” he was shaking too, tears falling down his cheeks.
“i had to find the horcruxes. you deserved better. i had a destiny, and i was supposed to die, and you had a full life left to live. i didn’t want you burdened by my grief forever.”
james sniffled, and gently pulled on regulus’ wrist, guiding his hand until it was pressed against james’ heart.
“it hurt. it hurt so bad and i didn’t know why i was hurting.” his voice broke and tears ran down his face again. “i would have rather loved you for a short time than not at all, even if that meant endless grief.” he ran one hand up to regulus’ face, cupping his cheek gently and tracing his jawline. “my heart hurt everyday and i didn’t know why, i felt like half of me was missing.”
“i felt like half of me died. but i had no other choice. i didn’t want you to hurt, or wonder why i left you. and you were safer not coming after me.” regulus whispered.
“but why didn’t you find me after the war was over?” james asked.
“you had lily. siri said you two were a couple, and..i never talked to him again, i haven’t talked to him again, because that was what i wanted, for you to move on, but it fucking hurt james,” he whispered, his head falling down, “it fucking hurt and i knew i did it to myself and i had no right to be hurt.”
“no,” james sobbed, his arms wrapping around regulus until they were hugging again, “lily and i only dated for a few months, we were better off as friends. and everything felt so..wrong…and everything fucking hurt.” he cried.
“i’m so sorry” whispered regulus
“i forgive you” whispered james
“i’ll never leave you”
“i love you”
and they held each other,
and cried.