Safe
August 20, 1975
It’s damp and warm. Pandora is surrounded by soil. She’s a Mirthroot growing under Peter’s bed. There's a hum of voices coming from people around her. They sound happy. She’s content, just letting the world go by. Allowing herself to grow slowly. She could be here forever. Resting in the warm soil.
It doesn’t last. She’s ripped from her tranquility by the hair. When she surfaces the cool dry air abuses her senses. A gigantic face is laughing at her. It’s Peter.
His face starts to morph becoming more angular. His hair lengthens turning black. The last thing to change is his eyes. It’s horrifying to watch them turn a cool green. Regulus. He doesn’t laugh, just glares like he so often does. It’s not Regulus for long. His face changes, becoming more robust. Hair lighting until the person dangling Pandora from her hair is Barty. He snarls at her, a manic smile spreading across his face. He looks wild. Until he doesn’t It’s no longer Barty who torments her, but Evan. His eyes are cool, and empty, but they aren’t mean. Even now Pandora can see her brother behind the mask. She can still reach him.
She tries to speak, but is frightened by the change in his expression. It goes from neutral and distant to a look of pure agony, and fear. She’s never seen him like this before. Did I hurt you? Her stomach drops as she toys with the idea that she’s somehow caused this pain. But Evan’s not looking at her. He’s focused on a section of his left forearm. He stares at it like it’s going to kill him. And the worst part is Pandora can feel realness in the dream. This is going to happen. She tries to see what Evan is so afraid of, but the vision is fading. He’s gone.
She wakes in a puddle sweat. Panic threatening to overtake her.
Evan. Evan. Evan. Evan.
She needs to see him. It doesn’t matter if it’s past three in the morning. Pandora needs to find her brother. What if he’s hurt? What if it’s my fault?
She rushes to his bedroom door. All she needs is a peek. A quick glimpse to make sure he’s breathing.
Turning the knob of his bedroom door, she peers inside. There’s a lump in the bed. It’s not rising or falling.
Pandora rips the covers back ready to see her brother.
He’s not there.
It’s only a crumpled up blanket.
Pandora starts to panic. Her breaths are shallow.
She frantically checks the kitchen, bathroom, living room, basement, Felix’s room, and lastly the roof.
He’s gone.
Evan isn’t here. Pandora can’t find him. She can’t feel him. He could be in trouble and she can’t help him.
She freaking out, and it’s silly because the one thing that could help her right now, is remaining calm. But she can’t. It’s her twin. Her other half, her best friend. Her brother. And he’s missing.
She collapses on the floor letting out a sob. “Help me.” She whispers, because no one can help her.
Her thoughts are becoming muddied, she can’t focus on anything. She’s drifting away. Her conscience leaving her zombie-like body stranded on earth, as it floats away.
Evan is missing and Pandora is helpless.
She cries until the world goes dark.
***
Pandora wakes on the roof, rain falling onto her soggy body. It takes a moment for her to come back to herself. As rain patters on the roof she remembers the night before. Evan. No no no. Evan.
It's been hours since she climbed out the window onto the roof looking for her brother. Hours since she saw his terrified face in her dream. Hours since she realized he’s missing.
Horrified Pandora thinks of all that could have happened while she was up here. He could be lost, he could be in danger, he could be… He can’t. She would know. If Pandora is breathing Evan is breathing.
If he stops she does too.
Just now Pandora notices a large grey owl standing inches from her face. It drops a letter on the wet roof, and Pandora watches as Regulus’s handwriting becomes blurry. She scrambles to save it. Tucking the soaked paper under her nightgown. Regulus must know where Evan is. Regulus can tell her what’s going on.
She makes a dash for the window, trying to save the delicate paper.
Her mother greets her on the other side. She’s fully dressed, hair pulled into a bun so tight it seems to raise her eyebrows.
“What’s the meaning of this?” Anesidora questions.
“I-” Pandora is so lost. She can’t form words. Evan is missing, he was upset and now he’s missing. Regulus’s letter is going to be ruined. She’s soaking wet. She spent the night on the roof. Her brain feels like it’s trying to separate itself from her body.
“Answer me”
“I-I-don’t know”
“I’ve been searching for you all morning, and you have the audacity to enter my home from a window in your sleeping gowns, soaking wet, and tell me you don’t know why?”
Pandora starts to weep. It’s all too much.
“Stop crying and answer me.”
“It w-was just a b-bad dream” Her mother takes a step closer. She is in Pandora's face now.
“A bad dream caused you to sleep on my roof?” Pandora is speechless as she drips water onto the carpet.
“Go to your room. I don’t want to see you until you leave for hogwarts.”
Pandora doesn’t protest. Only walks past her mother, letting tears fall silently until she’s pulling the door of her room shut behind her. Only then does she allow herself a few quiet sobs.
Her breakdown is short as she pulls the soggy letter from her sleeping gown, and tears it open. The letter rips in two as she tries to unfold it. The words are blurry but mostly legible.
Have you spoken to Evan in the last 24 hours? He’s not responded to my past three letters, which is unusual for him. I’m sure he’s fine, but I just wanted to check in.
-Regulus Black
Since they’ve started writing there’s been some unspoken rule about Evan. Regulus doesn’t talk about him, and Pandora doesn’t ask. She’s always just assumed Evan’s fine, because he has Regulus.
But now she’s not so confident.
Since first year Pandora’s been envious of Regulus and Evan’s closeness, but perhaps they’re not so close.
It’s terrifying, Evan is gone, and the one person who could help, can’t. Pandora is helpless.
She feels the white walls of her room, close around her, Mind spinning.
She needs to do something. She needs to find help.
Scrambling to the door Pandora tries to get out. Putting all of her force onto the door knob.
It’s locked. Her mother put a spell on it, so she couldn’t get out. She’s stuck. Evan is gone and Pandora is stuck.
“Let me out!” She yells, pounding her fist on the door. “Let me go!” She backs up giving herself a running start before she slams her whole body against the door. Nothing happens.
She puts her ear to the wood trying to listen. Everything is muffled.
No. There’s a silencing spell around the room. No one can hear her. No one can help her. Evan is gone.
She turns to her bay window. The only part of her house that she likes.
Evan used to sit here with her. They loved to watch the rain from this window.
Pandora remembers one day in the middle of July. It had been raining for three days straight. Evan came and sat with her. They placed bets on raindrops and watched them slide down the window. It lasted for hours.
In that peaceful moment she had everything.
An awful sort of pain enter’s Pandora’s body as she picks up her old snowglobe preparing to throw it.
She steps forwards in preparation, but just before she throws it, a figure appears in the yard.
Felix.
He’s waving at her. She waves back frantically. He can help her.
She tries to motion for him to come to her. He seems to understand running towards the house.
She doesn’t have a plan for when Felix reaches her door, because it’s locked. And there’s a silencing spell over it, they won’t be able to talk.
After a few moments she hears the gentle vibrations of footsteps. And knows what she’s going to do. She rushes to her nightstand pulling out a piece of parchment and quill. She scribbles down a quick note.
Locked in, and can’t hear you. Silencing spell. Need help.
She slips it through the crack under her door waiting for Felix to read it. Then remembering he’ll need a writing utensil she pushes the quill under as well.
He sent the note back, with a single question mark.
I need you to find mom, and ask where Evan is. Don’t tell her why. If asked, say you miss him.
She sends the note back to him, and feels his footsteps fade.
It’s painful to wait. So she reads Regulus’s letter over and over again. Trying to convince herself that Evan is fine.
She desperately needs to write back to him. But she can’t open her window, and doesn’t have access to an owl.
She decides to write a letter anyways.
I
can’t find Evan. He wasn’t home last night. I think he might be in trouble. I am trapped in my room, please help him.
-Pandora
She holds the paper to her chest feeling a sob escape her throat. But just before she loses herself, a piece of parchment shoots across her floor.
evan is at his job
This is promising. Pandora takes a deep breath.
She doesn’t know where he went last night, but at least she knows where he is now. She can breathe.
I need you to send a letter for me.
She quickly writes a new letter to Regulus.
I couldn't find Evan last night. He wasn’t here, I thought he was in trouble, but he's at his internship now so I guess he’s okay. Something feels off though. I don’t know what, please keep trying to check on him.
P.S. I got in trouble with my mum, and now i’m locked in my room for the rest of the summer. I won’t be able to write anymore. Please make sure Evan is safe.
-Pandora
She addresses it and slides the letter to Felix. She can feel soft footsteps fade. He doesn’t come back, but she sees him in the yard later that day shielding his anthill from the heavy rain with a bucket. He waves at her before running back into the house.
Pandora hopes he isn’t yelled at for his act of kindness.
***
A few hours later a small envelope slides under her door. It’s from Regulus.
I’ve spoken with Evan, he isn’t great, and his life has taken a turn over the past few days. He’s asked me not to discuss this with you. But I need you to know that he’s okay. It’ll take some time for him to process everything, and I’m sure he’ll tell you when he’s ready. But for now, know that he’s okay. He loves you.
-Regulus
She should feel better. She should be relieved. A part of her is, but it hurts. It hurts so bad. After all this time, all her patience. All the nights she’s spent wishing for Evan to come back to her. It’s pointless. He only becomes more distant. There’s nothing she can do, her brother is drifting away, the closeness they shared in childhood is gone. It’s never coming back, Pandora can wish for change all she wants but nothing will change. Evan will be pulled by some inevitable force away from her. She can’t stop him.
She used to think the force was Regulus, but now it’s something worse. Something that appeared in her dream, something that made Evan scared. So scared. And the worst part was it wasn’t only Evan, this unknown force reached Barty and Regulus and Peter.
She wonders if they know what’s going to happen. If they know this terrible force will reach them, or maybe they are unaware. Living everyday without the knowledge of what will come.
Pandora can’t help them. She has this cryptic knowledge, but nothing to do with it.
Regulus said Evan will tell her, he said Evan “loves” her. It’s fucked. Evan hasn’t told Pandora he loves her in years. She knows deep down he does, because he’s her twin, and that’s what twins do. They love each other. But Evan couldn’t say it. He couldn’t tell her about his problems, he couldn't tell her he was okay. She had to hear it through Regulus. And that hurts, it hurts so fucking bad.
It’s torture to be left alone with these thoughts. Her room is quiet, while her mind is loud. It’s so loud her ears start to ring. So loud she cannot escape it. Her thoughts swirl around and around until she begs them to leave. Until she wants to crack her skull open just to get them out. Just to get relief.
Pandora is losing her mind.
I can’t help him. I can’t help any of them. I can’t help him. I can’t help any of them. Ican’thelphim.Ican’thelpanyofthem. I. can’t. help. him. I. can’t. help. any. of. them.
She can’t take it anymore, she needs a distraction. Pandora goes to her desk planning to smash the points of her colored pencils into paper, until everything else fades away.
As she slides off her bed, there’s a crash and shattering sound. The snow globe, she forgot it was on her bed, and now it’s in shards on her floor.
She stares at the glittery mess of liquid and glass. She can see half of the figure of a willow tree that once sat inside. It’s broken.
Pandora doesn’t feel sad. The mess is a surprisingly good distraction, and she’ll take what she can get. Pandora starts collecting the larger pieces of glass, being less careful than she usually is. Once she has most of them in her hand she makes her way to the rubbish bin in the corner, but she slips on the sparkly liquid. Lucky she catches herself using the wall for stability, though there’s an unpleasant crunch in her fist, accompanied by a sharp pain.
She opens her hand examining the damage. She crushed glass into her palm. And there are a few shards sticking out of her skin.
Crimson pearls start to roll down her fingers. Pandora just stares, letting the pain corse through her.
Suddenly her thoughts aren’t so loud. Blood drips onto the floor, and her mind is quiet. She pulls the shards from her skin watching as the cuts fill with burgundy liquid. It’s mesmerizing.
It stings intensely. She lets the pain wash over her wave by wave until she loses all track of time, letting her thoughts be taken by pain. There is no room for anything else. She isn’t sad or scared or angry, all she feels is the stinging in her palm. All she sees is blood.
Pandora lets the blissful sting envelop her until the blood dries, until her mind is empty. It’s dark outside when she comes back to reality.
It’s silent as Pandora cleans the rest of the mess off the floor. Ripping a piece off of an old shirt, she bandages her wounds. No magic. After everything is done, Pandora sits in her bay window, watching the stars until she drifts off to sleep. For the first time in years she doesn’t dream.