A familiar ache shot through Remus’s body. He could feel the bones snapping and clicking into place, the skin shrinking to match his bony human frame. He lays there, on the frosty October ground, the unforgiving wind making his naked body shiver and curl in on itself.
Remus dreamed of being back at the flat, sitting on a comfortable sofa, sipping tea while reading a book, with a hand full of chocolate. Even though he so badly wanted to make his vision a reality (instead of lying in the middle of a chilly forest), he couldn’t move… couldn’t even open his eyes…
But it’s okay. It’s all good. Because any second now, his lovely boyfriend is going to lift him up, Apparate them back home, dress him, make him tea and breakfast, sit beside him while a record softly plays in the background, hold him, kiss him, and it’s all going to be so wonderful!
So, he doesn’t need to get up just yet…
As Remus inhaled, his ribs expanded and stretched the muscles around them. The wintry forest scent crashed into his lungs—earth, pine trees, wet leaves, and… iron…
Remus’s whole body jerked awake. He finally tore his eyelids apart, bringing his trembling hands to his face.
The claws he saw in front of him were dripping red.
It never got any better. The first time he woke up covered in blood from demolishing some forest animal was by far the worst, but the gut-wrenching feeling, that made him want to throw up every meal he’d ever eaten, never went away…
Ugh! Padfoot. I told him not to let me hunt!
Sirius was always rather laid-back about Remus’s condition. It drove him mad some days…
Moony’s heart froze.
How long had it been? Padfoot should be curled up right beside him by now… He painfully looked around, bloody hands searching for the warmth of Padfoot’s black fur. But all he found was cold air…
He pulled himself up. The adrenaline from the situation was the only thing keeping him from slumping back down. Remus looked around desperately, nothing surrounded him but trees.
His chest tightened.
“Padfoot!”
It took every muscle in his body to shout the name.
His efforts were unappreciated—only thing that answered him was the echo. Birds chirping, wind caressing the trees, his own pathetic panting… Not a single sound represented his boyfriend’s presence.
He tried to yell again, but the sound that escaped his lips was quiet… vulnerable.
“Sirius?…”
He was fully awake now. Brain - working overtime, conjuring the worst scenarios possible. A part of him ached to search for Sirius. A part of him didn’t…
Is he back at the flat? Why would he leave me? Sirius, please tell me this is a prank… Blood. There’s so much blood…
“SIRIUS!”
A guttural sound escaped Moony as something inside him snapped. A shaky smile spread across Remus’s face, his eyes glazed over as he whispered strangled reassurances to himself.
“He’s at home. In the flat. I’m going to get there and everything’ll be alright…”
He leapt to the pile of clothes beside a tree, frantically searching for his wand.
———
The cruel, cold air dissolved into comforting warmth, and the trees morphed into furniture.
Moony’s shoulders slumped in relief at being back. His whole face lit up at the thought of seeing Sirius emerge from a room and gently come over to hold his weathered, naked form.
“Sirius!”
He exclaimed hopefully. Unfortunately, there was no response…
Maybe he’s sleeping.
The bony man quickly went to the bedroom, and upon seeing the empty sheets, he ruffled them roughly in the vain hope of finding the only person who could comfort him right now.
“Padfoot! … please…”
He searched their small flat, but with no success… The fog that had been clouding the man’s mind finally lifted just enough for him to view the whole situation he was in from above. And with that clarity also came the horror. Moony’s face went white.
I left him.
He was back at the forest in no time, eyeing the pile of clothes still on the dirt.
Inevitably his gaze trailed down to the spot he had been avoiding the whole time… Blood puddles marked the ground, forming a dreadful path…
His footsteps were weak. With a trembling lip and a shaky hand clutching his wand, he managed to follow the crimson trail, which thickened with darkness as he went on.
He didn’t need to go far. It was right behind him the entire time. It was all that Remus could see… a blurry, black form lying beneath him.
His head was spinning, his breath snatched from his lungs as he bent down just in time to throw up his sick guts.
No… no, please.
He crumpled, no longer having the will to stay upright. His entire psyche tried to convince him it wasn’t real. Yet, clawed out and lifeless, Padfoot’s remains were displayed before him.
His head hit a tree… then again, and again. He wrapped his scarred hands around his throat and squeezed mercilessly, hoping to wake from the nightmare his life had become.
———
After that, everything was a blur. James coming to search for his two best mates, but only found one. James throwing up at the sight of Padfoot. Him Carrying Remus back to the Potter manor, where Lily tried to keep him from downing a bottle of medicine.
In the end she couldn’t stop him. Nobody could. Because Remus simply cannot live without Sirius or with the overwhelming guilt and self-disgust that were gnawing at his very soul.
***
It was dark. Pitch black was all he could see. For a moment, he wasn’t sure where he was. It felt like he was floating in a comfortable void. But even though he should have been calm, all he felt was despair, utter misery, and terror.
The origin of those feelings was unclear for a few minutes, but like a cruel ocean wave, it crashed into his soul and sent Remus into a state of panic.
He quickly opened his eyes, horrified at the reality he might witness.
Moony was at home. He was staring at the bedroom ceiling with frantic eyes.
When the werewolf’s brain registered where he was, he immediately whipped his head around, hoping a particular someone was lying next to him. To his great relief, a peaceful silhouette was slumbering right beside him, its defined jawline and thick hair outlined by the soft moonlight.
Moony’s body went limp with overwhelming gratitude. His heart clenched painfully in his chest, his vision blurred, and a helpless tremor crept back into his soul.
Raw whimpers escaped Remus’s lips as his shaking hands desperately reached for the sleeping man. He clung to him, pressing sloppy kisses to his skin, holding him so tightly that one might think that Sirius could slip away and vanish at any second.
Even as his drowsy boyfriend began to stir awake, Remus couldn’t let go of him if he tried.
“Mmm~ Moony?…”
Sniff
“… Moony?”
He attempted to pretend-pretend that everything was fine, the man didn’t even know why he did it; it was somewhat of a reflex by now…
“… What?”
His sore throat gave it away. Sirius moved so that they were face to face. And in that fierce, determined, and protective tone he nudged,
“Moons, what’s bothering you?”
“I‘m…”
Once again, that simple, reassuring response was threatening to come out, but Remus knew that this time it wasn’t going to convince Sirius. Besides, Sirius was his boyfriend - why hide from him?
It was one of the most destructive parts about their relationship: secrets, dishonesty, misunderstandings. They had promised each other a long time ago to always speak the truth, never keep anything quiet.
Still, it wasn’t easy. Remus knew how Sirius would react to his recalling of the nightmare, and he didn’t want that right now, all he wanted was to hold on to Padfoot, feel his chest rise and fall, hear his heartbeat create a steady rhythm deep inside him.
“I just… had a nightmare, that’s all.”
And that was the end of the conversation.
Sirius was no stranger to nightmares; they had plagued him since his first years at Hogwarts—even before that. So he knew that asking someone to relive their night terrors wasn’t always the most comforting thing to do.
Padfoot was glad he could reassure his Moony just by being there.
***
Their lives went on. Everything seemed normal, though for some reason, Remus couldn’t forget that bloody dream.
It’s truly unfortunate that people often forget their pleasant dreams, while nightmares tend to linger, gnawing at our minds - reminders of our worst fears…
Remus was reading cozily on the sofa when the phone rang. He and Sirius exchanged glances; since James and Lily sent owls, the only people who would call were Mary or, well, Grant.
Sirius eagerly picked up the phone.
Moony waited, watching Sirius’s reaction. When Padfoot smiled fondly and almost teasingly greeted the caller, Remus returned to his book. He managed to read three pages before Sirius inevitably disrupted him.
“So?”
Remus looked up confused.
“So what?”
“We’ll go right?”
“What do you mean? Go where?”
Sirius’s expectant face turned into disbelief.
“Merlin, Moony, you and your books!”
The man chuckled, clearly amused by the other’s puzzled expression. Growing impatient, Remus finally snapped.
“What?!”
“Mary invited us to meet up Moons. I thought you’ve heard…”
“Oh, of course i’ll go then.”
They both laughed softly at the interaction. Moony couldn’t help but smile.
———
On October 24th, a Thursday evening, Remus and Sirius were getting ready to meet up with their friends.
The scarred man’s hands were filing through his sweaters searching for that one he had in mind. He smirked when his fingers brushed against the soft, familiar fabric.
Next, he pulled on some trousers and a tweed overcoat, but before leaving, he thought he’d check his hair (something he did only occasionally). When he reached the bathroom it was clear that someone was already there. Remus opened the door to find Padfoot fussing in front of the mirror.
“Oh, Moony, you ready?” He asked, not taking his eyes off the mirror.
“Yes, just need a quick touch-up.”
“Hm,” Sirius hummed dismissively, furrowing his brows, still not looking away from the mirror.
“D’you Think I’m getting wrinkles?”
The taller man frowned. He didn’t think it was time to worry about that yet.
“Why’d you ask?”
“Oh you know… Just - look! “
He turned to Remus expectantly, relaxing his face, so that Remus could see the faint lines imbedded by time, marking stories of happiness, stress, anger and sadness. They were barely noticeable, but even if they weren’t, Remus would have still been utterly awestruck by the gorgeous man in-front of him.
“Sirius… don’t you think it’s a little early to complain about wrinkles.”
“Not if I already have them!”
“What’s so scary about wrinkles anyway?”
The shorter man’s eyes caught Remus’s calm, steady gaze and they shared a few silent moments of honesty before Padfoot finally looked away, hesitant.
“Nothing… just…”
For a minute, Sirius was silent, lost in thought as he tried to formulate a simple explanation for his behaviour. Remus wondered if he’d leave yet another worry unspoken between them. But this time, Sirius seemed to have gathered the courage to keep the promise they’d made and speak his mind.
“I wish we had more time.”
Moony looked up, startled that Sirius was actually addressing something. Catching Remus’s hopeful eyes, Sirius decided to continue.
“Merlin, I wish we had more time to be young, Moony… All those years fighting when we should’ve been in our prime, all those years before that, worrying about small things - not making the best of it. Oh, Moony, I don’t feel half as old as I am.”
“That’s strange, I do feel old…” Remus replied with a small smile.
Sirius laughed. “Yeah, but you felt old since like fifth year!”
Their conversation was starting to take a warm, teasing turn. Remus chuckled, acknowledging the weariness he’d carried since the night he was bitten. With a more familiar, if grim, thought, he said, “Maybe it’s not so strange, after all I am in my middle age.”
Sirius pulled back, amused. “Moony… I might’ve exaggerated. We’re not young, but we’re not middle-aged either!”
“You might not be…” Remus murmured.
They’d never really talked about it. The first time Remus brought it up, his boyfriend got defensive and dismissive. Remus supposed it was understandable—not everyone could handle knowing that their partner’s lifespan might be shorter than their own.
Padfoot continued to act as if he didn’t understand what the bloody hell Moony was talking about, and Remus let it go, figuring it wasn’t worth getting into now, especially since they were already running late.
“Alright, Moons,” Sirius declared with a grin. “I’m not going to waste my time nitpicking your sappy view on life. I’ve got a bike to start.”
With that, he strolled out to the garage.
Remus sighed, stepping into the bathroom and glancing at the mirror. The man reflected back looked worn and weary, wrinkles visibly more pronounced than Sirius’s and his hair surrendering to more silver every day.
He gave a small smile to himself, realising that no matter how much time they had left, it was moments like these that kept him going.
***
The club was dimly lit. Sirius and Remus hurried through the tables toward a spot near the wall, where a red-haired woman sat beside her messy-haired husband. Across from them, another woman sat with a fond smile that grew wider when she spotted the two men. She raised her eyebrows, gesturing for them to join her.
As soon as James saw them, his face lit up. He greeted them with mock formality, “Padfoot, Moony.”
Sirius, as always, matched his energy entirely. “Mr. Prongs, Mrs. Prongs.”
Mary raised an eyebrow at being left out, her look demanding acknowledgment. Sirius caught her fierce gaze and rushed to fix himself, “Oh! And Mrs. McDonald, of course.”
And so, the small company of four gathered at the back of the club, chatting about both serious and lighthearted things. Occasionally a quiet pause fell over the group if anyone addressed their rather small gathering. The war took away many lives. And it was by a mere miracle that Lily and James had survived, along with their son Harry—Voldemort’s biggest target.
Peter was killed after he refused to betray the Potter family. Marlene was murdered by Death Eaters, along with her entire family. Dorcas was killed by Voldemort himself...
Some might say they died with “honour” or “bravery,” but in reality, they were barely adults. They had their entire lives ahead of them, yet they were taken away far too soon.
Everyone sitting there had experienced the war; they knew the toll it had taken. Still, they tried to keep the mood light, sharing jokes and reminiscing about their youthful years at Hogwarts.
“It still amazes me how you three managed to become Animagi in, what, fifth year?” Lily laughed.
“Hey, show some faith in us, Evans!” Sirius chimed acting offended.
Remus decided to hold his tongue about the fact that one of those three Animagi was no longer with them.
“Anyways, since we’re on that subject, I’d like to propose a toast to our misspent youth,” Mary said, raising her glass. The others followed her lead, and after taking a gulp of their drinks, she continued.
“When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being twenty. Fighting in a war wasn’t really what I had in mind though…”
The four of them fell into deep thought, the joyful energy they had tried so hard to maintain fading as the harsh reality of the war sunk in. But Lily, of course, had a way of turning even the gloomiest discussions into something hopeful.
“Yes, it was unfair; it made us tired and bitter, but it also brought us closer. I mean, we’re here, right? Maybe not all of our friends made it through the war, but the ones who did will always stick together.”
James gazed at his blissful wife, with the utmost adoration as their spirits began to lift again.
“Yeah, it is a miracle these two chain-smokers outlived Pete and Marls.” Mary taunted, watching Remus and Sirius.
They laughed.
“Don’t think it didn’t cause us any problems, Mary. Had to stop before I got a lung infection.”
“Yeah, we quit the fags, McDonald,” Padfoot Chimed in.
“Well, that’s not entirely true,” The taller man started, as if sabotaging himself. “We still keep a few around for… critical situations.”
Sirius playfully smacked him, as if he tipped off something embarrassing and private, but then added,
“But only for the most stressful of times! We each have a pack for the year. It’s a quitting method that just worked for us.”
After a few more drinks, they were all cackling at each other and at life in general. James was making ridiculous faces, with Sirius following along and entertaining the whole table. Lily was laughing so hard she snorted her drink, and Mary was, as always, tossing in brutally honest comments.
Remus was there too - included in the group, accepted as himself, watching Sirius with a quiet fondness. The club lights cast a warm glow over him, highlighting the cascade of thick black hair that fell perfectly over his shoulders.
Moments like these left Remus marvelling at his luck, wondering what he had done to deserve all this. These people were more than friends; they were family, the only thing worth holding onto.
In these moments, he knew he wouldn’t trade them for anything.
———
Time had slipped by quickly. They’d barely begun to wrap up when James, glancing at his watch, drunkenly exclaimed, “Blimey! It’s that late already?!”
“Yeah, we probably shouldn’t leave the kids alone for too long,” the redhead mused.
“Oh, yeah! I keep forgetting you two have three now!” Padfoot yelled as if they were back in the Quidditch stands during a fierce match.
When the four of them finally staggered out of the club, it was well past midnight. The crisp October air washed over Remus’s face, bringing a sense of freshness.
Sirius and Mary led the way, laughing and teasing each other, while Prongs and Lils trailed behind, affectionate and a little unsteady on their feet. Remus followed last, strolling as he watched his friends in front of him and took in the quiet, darkened muggle streets. Then, a bright and irritating glow caught his eye. He looked up at the sky. The first quarter moon stared back at him as if a reminder, a warning, a threat.
***
He had to talk to Sirius. He knew this since the night of the meet up, however considering they got back to the flat at 2 a.m. and were both drunk, he figured they weren’t in the best shape for a serious conversation.
But with exactly 7 days until the full moon, Remus knew he had to take action.
“… Pads?”
He called out hesitantly one Friday morning.
“Yeah, Moony?”
Remus sighed. This wasn’t going to be easy, but there was no point in beating around the bush…
“I think I should take Wolfsbane this moon…”
Sirius frowned, turning to look at his boyfriend as if he were out of his mind.
“Wolfsbane?… Why?”
“Look, I was supposed to use that potion every time since it came out - for everyone’s safety.”
Gobsmacked, the black-haired man tried to make sense of whatever his Moony was getting at this time.
“Remus, the way we always do it is perfectly safe.”
Well, that wasn’t completely honest. Sirius knew the risks of being in the woods with a werewolf every full moon (even as an Animigus), but after all, what’s life without a little risk?
The thing he loved about Moony is that, unlike Remus, he wasn’t bound by human standards and doubts. He was wild and free, untameable.
Still, if Moony preferred to transform indoors and use the bloody potion, Padfoot wouldn’t have a problem with it - except he wasn’t going to let that happen. Not again.
The first time Wolfsbane was introduced, Sirius had to watch his partner down it for an entire week. But nothing was worse than the night of the transformation.
The wolf curled up in the corner of the room, hiding behind a stool, flinching away at any attempt Sirius made to reach out. He only let Sirius approach when the man turned into a dog…
The night wasn’t discussed afterwards. But Remus never used wolfsbane again. Good.
“Moony, I’m not letting you do this to yourself.”
A disbelieving frown appeared on the taller man’s face. With a bit more fierceness, he replied,
“… you can’t not let me do it. This is MY decision.”
“See, that’s where you’re wrong, Moony - I can.”
Remus was so taken aback, that he couldn’t respond before Sirius continued.
“I know you, Moons. You dont want this.”
Remus almost shouted that he did - that this is what he wanted - but that would have been a lie. And Sirius obviously knew that. So instead he just said flatly,
“It doesn’t matter what I want.”
“…Then what does?”
You matter! You! Remus wanted to scream. But instead he forced out something colder.
“The lives of people at risk! Don’t you think that every time we go out into the woods, someone might wander too close? Don’t you think that the wolf might be interested in tearing them apart?!”
Padfoot stared at him, his expression twisted in confusion. He was aware of the werewolf’s doubts and insecurities, but he didn’t quite understand why Moony was suddenly so vocal about them. Why was he being so insistent on taking Wolfsbane?
He needed to get to the bottom of this; something was clearly troubling Moony, and Sirius was determined to find out what. But Right now, comforting and talking some sense into his boyfriend was the most important thing.
“Moony, I promised you, if anyone ever got near, I would not let the wolf get to them. Don’t you remember?”
“Oh really? You think I wouldn’t hurt you to get past?”
Remus replied, his tone edged with sarcasm. But Padfoot’s expression softened as he noticed the growing distress in his boyfriend.
“You could never hurt me-”
“Oh yeah? What about that scar on your ribs? Didn’t I do that?”
Remus strangled out before Sirius could finish. His eyes were full of hurt. Padfoot, upon seeing that, shifted his tone completely.
“I have lots of scars, Remus… I’m glad that at least some of them came from someone who actually loves me.”
Remus dropped his gaze to the floor, still unwilling to give in, but with Sirius’s collected presence, his own defences began to ease. His voice barely above a whisper.
“Doesn’t matter. I still shouldn’t hurt you.”
“Yeah, well, neither should I. But I have, haven’t I? And you forgave me. Every time.”
Sirius thought back to the times he had hurt and betrayed Remus; it was a miracle he’d even been forgiven. And now Moony was talking as if he were the only one capable of causing harm.
Remus was quiet—deep in thought. Sirius knew he had won the argument, but he felt no triumph in his victory.
“If it makes you feel better, we can create a magical barrier so no humans wander too close.”
“I guess that’s safer… But what about you and Prongs?”
“What about us?”
“I mean.. you’re the ones at most risk. I can’t put your lives in danger just to avoid a bit of discomfort.”
Sirius gave a small smile, stepping closer. “We’ve been doing this for like fifteen years, love, and you’re still on about the ‘danger’. No one’s getting hurt.”
And that was that. It was truly pitiful how easily Sirius could make him back down, how quickly Remus let himself be comforted and reassured. Maybe deep down he was just a weak man.
***
On the day of the full, he smoked a whole pack of cigarettes.
Of course, he hid this fact from Sirius. Remus didn’t want him knowing the depth of his turmoil. The restlessness that came with every full moon was already there, but this time there was more to it.
Moony felt something bad coming. He could sense it in his bones, his soul—in every fibre of his being—that things could go terribly wrong.
What scared him most was that his gut feelings were often right…
It was five p.m. Sirius and James would be here soon to apparate into the forest. Remus was hunched in a chair, pretending to be reading.
His eyes seemed to be working against him. The letters had lost all meaning, shifting across the page like waves. sabotaging any attempt at calming down.
A feeling of suffocation crept over him, as if something was lodged in his throat. His chest tightened, and suddenly he was painfully aware of his own body—of how his skin and muscles lay over his bones, how oddly long and thin his hands looked.
Remus shut his eyes and drew his knees up to his chest, hugging himself tightly, fingers digging into flesh as though trying to chain himself down.
Moony stayed curled up like this for about three minutes. Each time he tried to get up and get a hold of himself, that suffocating feeling would come back with twice the force.
Then he heard the door-lock click, and he immediately sat upright, grabbing his book with trembling hands.
“Oi Moons! Prongs is here, you ready?”
“Y-yeah, ready!”
James and Sirius burst into the room, kicking off their shoes, completely absorbed in their own conversation.
“No way, mate! Absolutely not!”
“Just think about it, Prongs! Think about the kid’s future!”
Though James seemed to take the topic seriously, a warm, familiar smile played on his face, and a teasing tone lingered in his voice. “You’re NOT putting my kid on a motorbike! It’s too dangerous—Lily would freak out! Besides, do you even have a helmet that small?”
“I’ll buy one! And as for the whole Lily situation…” Padfoot lowered his voice to a dramatic whisper, “she doesn’t have to know.”
They burst into laughter. Remus couldn’t quite tell what for, but it was obvious they were joking around—as always.
Though Sirius was only kidding, Remus would bet that deep down, he’d love to put Harry on his bike someday. And if Sirius wanted something, he’d almost certainly find a way to make it happen.
After they’ve calmed down a bit, Sirius proudly announced,
“Well—I need the Loo. Be back in a min, don’t miss me too much!”
Prongs huffed in amusement, shaking his head playfully as Sirius left the room. With his friend gone, James turned to Remus, who sat tensely hunched on the sofa.
“Alright, Moons?”
James’s eyes were tainted by concern. Seeing that—Remus instantly tried to appear as fine as possible. “Yes, yeah I’m okay…” James didn’t seem to be convinced, so Remus added, gesturing to the sky “Just, you know—the moon…”
The man gave him a sceptical look, then an understanding smile spread across his face. And with his usual goodness he said,
“Yeah, sure mate, I know… It’s nothing to be ashamed of—not being okay. If there’s anything you need, just ask, yeah?”
Even after all these years, Remus still found James’s caring disarming, and it made him feel slightly defensive.
“Prongs, I’m fine, yeah? Just tired.”
James seemed to get the hint and gave a simple nod before turning away and leaving Remus alone—just as the bathroom door swung open and Sirius came back.
“Oi, Prongs, want some tea?”
“Ha! Right after the loo, mate?”
“Oh shut it, Potter. Black or Green?”
“How about fruit?”
“Whatever you want, deer.”
“Hah! Cheers.”
Before getting to work, Sirius turned back around. “Want some, Moony?”
Remus wasn’t sure what was wrong with him, but every time anyone even acknowledged his existence, anger seemed to prickle under his skin. Maybe it was the playfully mocking nickname that usually didn’t bother him (especially from Sirius), or maybe it was the simple offer of tea that made his blood simmer.
“No… thanks,” He managed through gritted teeth.
He could see Padfoot’s brow furrowing in seriousness, he turned slowly to Remus, making direct, unblinking eye contact.
Sirius would be stupid to let this slip past. Since when the hell did Remus rejected tea?!
“You sure?”
It felt like Sirius was pulling at his nerves on purpose. Remus tried his best not to snap, but the glare he directed at his partner, and the tension in his voice, was impossible to miss.
“Yes.”
Sirius squinted, taking a moment to think. Given that the full moon was only hours away and Remus would often get pissy at this time, he decided to let it go, turning back to the task at hand with a sigh.
James was glancing nervously between the two of them, and when Sirius finally dropped the matter, he exhaled in relief.
———
Padfoot and Prongs were sipping tea, chatting quietly, trying not to disturb the grumpy werewolf nearby. The laid-back nature of it all made Remus feel ill. The full moon was approaching, and they were just sitting there in their human forms, relaxed and unworried.
Remus grew more impatient, his breathing heavy, occasionally shooting them a sharp, judgmental glance.
Sirius could not take it any more.
“What?”
“We should go.”
The two Animagi exchanged a glance, a hint of pity in their eyes. James was the one who spoke up.
“Moony… it’s not even past six…”
Remus couldn’t deal with their rationality at the moment—he just wanted out, away from their concerned looks and glances. The air felt suffocating.
“Look, if you’re not going now, I’m going alone.”
Sirius sighed, standing up from the kitchen table resigned. “Alright then, let’s go.”
Prongs didn’t question it and followed along. Moony snatched his wand from the table and Apparated out without a second glance. The others followed suit.
———
Leaves crinkled below his feet, and a cool breeze swept through the forest, making the tall trees sway. Somewhere, birds chirped a gentle melody.
He was all alone. The crucifying tension that settled on his body for the whole week, slightly lifted, as he realised this fact.
But his peace didn’t last. Two loud cracks echoed through the air as Sirius and James appeared on the crunchy ground, and Remus’s shoulders tensed again.
He turned away, finally registering the miserable feeling that had haunted him—shame. An awkward silence settled over the woods… Not every full moon was like this; sometimes he could feel calm, even unashamed, around his friends. But tonight wasn’t one of those nights he supposed.
Noticing they still had about an hour until moonrise, the two black-haired men started talking among themselves, keeping their voices low, knowing Moony rather be left alone.
The man walked through the woods, trying to focus on anything other than the agonising transformation he would soon have to undergo yet again. Though the turning itself wasn’t his greatest concern…
Twenty minutes in, and his bones began to ache (the discomfort had started a few days prior, but he’d learned to ignore that). Thirty minutes later, he could feel the subtle shifts in his muscles and organs. Forty minutes—his skin began to itch, tiny hairs threatening to sprout all over.
In another twenty minutes, he would become a large, terrifying, hairy beast.
The sky had darkened. Stars and planets faded into the black expanse, and the wind grew unforgivingly cruel. Suddenly, a shout ripped through the night.
“Moony?! Hey, where are you?”
Remus snapped his head toward the voice. He hadn’t realised how far he’d gone.
“I’m here!”
“Come back, okay!?”
Sirius’s voice was laced with worry, stirring mixed feelings in Moony’s chest.
Remus hurried back. He didn’t even reach them, when a surge of unforgiving pain tore through him. The itch became unbearable, his body twisting and tearing itself apart, only to mold itself back together in a terrible, contorted form.
He quickly ripped of his clothes, managing to remove most of them before he could no longer do anything but grunt and grip the forest floor for support. He fought to stifle his screams, aware his friends were somewhere nearby, but soon enough the pain overshadowed all thought, and he didn’t even know if he’s screaming anymore.
Before long, his mind slipped into a primal state, and the world around him faded into a blur…
The form clinging to the ground slowly grew, taking shape as a large, bony creature hunched over, its wolf-like body trembling and whining in pain.
But the agony wasn’t just in its enlarged bones, which pressed against its skin like sandpaper, nor in the relentless throbbing inside its skull. A deeper, unexplainable tightness radiated from its chest, forcing the werewolf to buckle to the ground. Large claws dug into its back in a desperate attempt to soothe itself.
***
A blur of the forest faded into view as his limbs shrank, the uncomfortable shortening feeling settling in. Though not as painful as the snout retreating into a fragile human jaw… A pitiful whine, half-dog, half-human, echoed through the trees, and where a beast once stood, a skinny, scarred human now lay trembling on the forest floor.
For a moment, Remus felt peaceful, free of the grim reality—listening only to the soft wind and forest birds chirping morning melodies. But the second consciousness slipped in, he forced himself up little by little with aching hands, painfully willing his eyes open.
Only on instinct he flipped his palm over. The sight was sickening… His hand was coated in muddy red liquid, as if he had murked a flock of innocent sheep.
It suddenly became particularly hard to breathe for Remus. His ears started ringing, and reality slipped away again, though this time not into a peaceful oblivion, but into a weight of devastating knowledge.
Something was touching him—shaking him awake, but the man was completely entranced, not tearing his eyes away from the bloody mess on his hands… Remus sucked in a jagged breath, instantly regretting it; his chest felt as if it were caving in, unable to bear the horror.
Breathe
Breathe
Moony, please! Just breathe with me okay!
Agh! Prongs, quick apparate us!
I can’t! He might get hurt in this shape!
Shit. Okay we’ll do this here then.
“Fuck. Give me your shirt.”
A cloth was pressed firmly against his back, a sudden sharp sting jolted him back to life with a hiss.
“There you go, just breathe, alright?” A familiar, comforting voice reached his ears.
“Mm… James?”
“Yes, yes, it’s me, Moony. Think you’re up for apparating? It doesn’t hurt too much?”
“Remus!” Another voice called out, somehow even more familiar. “Merlin, what-… Why?”
Remus’s head was still spinning, clouded with nasty, horrible thoughts, and the words escaped him before he could stop.
“Did I kill someone?…”
Silence fell over the three of them.
Then Sirius crouched down beside him, his voice deep and steady, but painfully gentle.
“No. Nothing like that happened. But you’re hurt, and we need to get you home, alright?”
And Remus believed him. He always would. The reassurance washed over him, bringing a heavy wave of exhaustion. His eyes drooped, and his head went limp under Padfoot’s caress.
Of course, the two Animagi shook him awake so that they could apparate. Moony barely managed to stand even with their help. The disorienting jolt of apparition left him completely worn out, and the moment he saw a bed, Remus’s body collapsed.
———
He awoke to find Padfoot sitting beside the bed, deep in thought.
“Mm… Pads, what time is’t?”
Sirius looked up, a concerned crease on his brow. “It’s 8. You’ve slept for three hours.”
“Only??”
The idea of having a whole day ahead of him was disappointing, to say the least. He always wanted to be awake as less as possible after a full moon, especially after this one…
Sirius was unblinkingly staring at him and seemed borderline angry.
“Moony, what’s going on?”
Remus could see that Sirius was wasn’t joking around, and he cursed inwardly, knowing this might turn into a tough conversation.
“What?”
Padfoot’s face scrunched with a touch of hurt at Remus’s dismissive reply. “This has never happened before. Not since we started coming with you.” He said half to himself.
“What hasn’t?”
Sure, Remus tried to deflate the tension and cut the conversation short, but he wasn’t lying—he hadn’t fully processed what had happened yet.
Sirius sighed in frustration and pulled a full-length mirror in front of the bed. The man in the reflection looked sick—bony frame, scars covering his skin, and awful eye bags. But what caught his attention was the bandages wrapped around his chest. Sirius, noticing his confusion, grimly explained.
“For some reason, the wolf started clawing at its back. We didn’t know what to do; we tried distracting you, pulling you away, but nothing worked.”
Sirius was clearly mad, though he was doing his best to keep it in check. “Look, I’ve done everything I can to help you, but I need you to do the same.”
Remus felt his own temper rising. “You think this is my fault?” He gestured at the bandages, his voice sharp.
Sirius huffed and shook his head. “You know that’s not what I meant. Is there anything you can remember that might’ve caused this?…”
“No. Nothing I can think of,” Remus shot back, his tone mocking and annoyed.
“So what? The wolf just decided, after fourteen years, to start hurting itself again? Really, Moony?”
Remus fell silent, too drained to argue. But did Sirius really think this was his fault? Wasn’t it clear by now that whatever the wolf did wasn’t something he could control? The anger simmered inside him, but it all seemed to deflate when Sirius’s next words, low and tinged with frustration, sank in.
“I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.. You wanted to take wolfsbane, but I… Should I’ve just let you take it?”
A twinge of guilt shot through Moony; he couldn’t bear seeing Sirius like this. “No, Sirius, none of this was your fault. Can you please stop worrying this is MY problem to handle-”
“YOUR PROBLEM?!” Sirius whipped his head around furiously, “How do you expect me not to worry when shit like this happens, when you don’t tell me about anything that’s been bothering you! Am I supposed to just not care about your well-being at all?!”
Remus stared at him, stunned at his reaction. The other man continued, his words cut deep, but they were true. ”Do you even know what it feels like when the most important person in your life doesn’t give a shit about themselves? I don’t want to see you hurt, Moony.”
Remus turned away, a lump forming in his throat. He knew exactly what that felt like. This whole situation wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t. He’d tried so hard to protect Sirius, but in the end, he was just hurting him. After a whole week of nasty fog, Moony’s mind finally cleared and the reality hit him like a punch to the gut.
“I’m sorry.”
Remus looked back at Padfoot, his eyes shining. Sirius watched him, puzzled, waiting for his further explanation.
“I know what it feels like. Trust me.” Remus took a breath, realising he owed Sirius the whole truth. “I had this awful nightmare where I… I hurt you. Haunted me ever since, and right before the moon it got really bad... I know I should’ve told you, maybe this wouldn’t have happened, but… I guess I was just scared…”
Finally, a hint of happiness appeared on Sirius’s face.
“Love, you don’t need to be scared of telling me things. If you have a nightmare or something’s bothering you, just tell me. I know it might seem pointless, but believe me, bottling everything up never ends well.”
Remus supposed he was right, maybe if he hadn’t hidden his turmoil from his boyfriend, the beast would’ve been fine and he would’ve spared his boyfriend’s nerves.
After a long, heavy silence, the quiet was broken again by Sirius’s soothing voice.
“And I know I shouldn’t be talking, as you know, I’m not so great at sharing my own problems, but still…”
Remus gave a dry chuckle, matter-of-factly, “Well, being open has never been our strong suit…”
Sirius met his gaze, offering a soft smile. “You’re right. Maybe it’s about time we start.”
“Cheers.”