The owl before me sits still and quiet as though even such a menial creature knows the significance of this day. He bends his head in respect as my tired eyes flick across the paper and grow more alert with each tragic word scrawled in the hasty handwriting of Albus. My nightgown sways in the breeze from the open window I just let the owl through. To think that I am here now when a few hours ago I was at the feast enjoying a lovely dinner and chatting about the perfectly carved pumpkins. The full moon on the horizon begins it's descent to a nocturnal nap from the sky once littered with shining stars, now empty and dark. Not a single glitter left. The sun is supposed to rise in a couple hours, it won't. The sun will never rise again, the water will never ripple, the moon will never be full, the stars will never shine and the lillies will never bloom. Now all that remains is the rats, crawling around in the shadows forgotten and hidden from the truth. I won't truly understand the reality of this thought for twelve years.
"Minerva?" Poppy's calm voice calls behind me, urging me back to bed. Not yet burdened by the knowledge of a shattered facade. I ignore her.
My eyes sink shut and my breathing ceases as I recall every beautiful nuisance bestowed upon this school that came at my price. I see the boys that would run in the halls against my screaming for them to slow. I see every little tedious prank they'd pull from dung bombs to extravagant obstacles around the castle. I see the glint of sun that reflected off Potter's glasses and the love that bloomed when he would gaze at the Evans girl. I see Pettigrew's jokes and the boy's laughter in return. I see a scarred hand sliding his prefect badge across the desk towards me. I see the tears falling from Sirius' grey eyes that he only let fall for me. I see ten years of their childhood and ten years of me raising them. Ten years.
I open my eyes and return to reality as I peer down at the parchment, praying to Merlin that I am still asleep. I pray that I am dead and this is hell, let it be me if they are still whole. Let the world mourn me in their stead.
"Minerva?" Poppy repeats again, placing a hand down on my shoulder. I'm sure it's warm, she always is but in this moment everything is cold.
When I say nothing she plucks the letter from my hand and begins reading. I wish I had the power to stop her, to save her from this news that would forever haunt her.
"No." A sob slips past her lips and I flinch at the sound of her in dismay. "Remus. He- he doesn't know yet. It's still the full."
"Poppy." I manage.
"I- I have to go find him" Her panicked voice echoes through the staff quarters, I have lived here for so many years, how many times have I been disturbed by the ruckus sounds of a party on this very night or after a Quidditch win or on one of their birthdays? Now it is silent. So very silent.
She darts towards the door but I pull her back, "Poppy, no!"
Tears leak from her eyes but not mine. I don't let myself cry. I won't.
"Don't you understand we need to go to the ministry and get Sirius freed!"
She halts her struggling from my grasp and looks me deep in the eyes, "What?"
"Sirius is innocent!"
She scoffs as more tears flow, I don't even think she notices, "The Potter's are dead!"
"Yes! They are dead and it is not Sirius' fault! We need to save him."
Her eyes go wide and more sobs reverberate around the room, "Yes he did! He was the fucking secret keeper Minerva!"
I let go and shove her back as a mutilated version of something reminiscent to fury snakes up my spine, "I don't care Poppy! He would never do this!"
She raises her finger as her eyes turn more pink and puffy with each shake, "You weren't there! You don't know!"
"What don't I know? Enlighten me because what I do know is that Sirius is a boy and no boy could do this!"
"He did do the prank! I was there when Remus opened those eyes and I was the one who told him that the boy he loved with his whole heart broke it! I had to do it! I was there. I sat at my desk the following moons and I watched as his empty eyes stared at the emptier chair by his bed! It was never the same after i was filled again. NEVER THE FUCKING SAME!"
I cold and humorless laugh shakes from my body, "I don't care. I don't care about the stupid mistakes he made when he was sixteen fucking years old. He is not his family and he loved Potter more than anything else in this world. He would die before joining the death eaters."
"You said that about Regulus!" Her voice is cold and malicious, the outcome that a broken heart can have on someone, "He hurt Remus and he would do it again!" Howls Poppy. I have never seen her like this, she is always strict but still kind. She looks homicidal.
"That is my son!" I scream.
"And Remus is mine!"
The silence that follows was louder than four teenage boys ever could be.
"Sirius wouldn't do this." I spit back quietly.
She narrows her eyes as though I am a pathetic mother blinded by love, perhaps I am "He already has."
And with that she leaves, I don't care if she finds Remus and has to deliver devastating news all over again. I should care that if she finds him he may kill her but I don't. All I can do is hope that she doesn't find him until the moon evaporates into the morning, a morning that will change everything.
I sink to the filthy floor and close my eyes as I shake violently with despair and remorse. I don't cry. And I won't not for a very long time. I won't cry until 1989 when two boys with hair like the sunset darken my doorstep and I see the ghost of my boys. I don't cry again until a child with hair like his father's and eyes like his mother's meet mine and I see the ghost of a pure blood that didn't have a choice in his fate either. When I cry it is beautiful and tragic just like the story of my sunshine.