He was tired. So, so, so tired. He just wanted to curl up in bed, trying not to feel too bad and with someone hugging him and telling him that everything was going to be fine. In these situations, he felt that the sadness, tiredness and trembling in his body were never going to end. Deep inside, he knew that it will at some point, but sometimes it felt impossible. He just wanted to stop feeling and rest.
Remus had been struggling with chronic anxiety for a few months now, and instead of getting better with time, it was just getting worse. Or that’s how it felt. The worst part was that he asked for help, and the ones who loved him had been helping him to handle the situation, but sometimes it just wasn't enough.
He was lying in bed, the sheets almost hiding him completely except from a tiny bit of his face to breath. He wanted to sleep, because he was tired and wanted to avoid the feeling, but at the same time he couldn't because he was feeling too much. It always happens, feeling overwhelming cause of his emotions, and he didn’t have the energy to do things that could help him feel better. So, switching between apps in his phone, closing his eyes to try sleep from time to time and trying to stop trembling it's how he passed the evening. Hours later, he was finally able to sleep and was almost unconscious when he heard someone opening the door. And oh, how warm and relieved he suddenly felt.
“Rem? I'm home” Sirius sing sang. “Where are you?”
“Here.” He didn't have the strength to speak louder, so he spoke with a thin voice. Anyway, Sirius knew where he was and, just at that moment, the bedroom door opened.
“Oh, love.” Sirius said, with the most warm and delicate voice he had. And just with that, Remus knew that at least he wasn't alone in the bad moments.
Sirius came closer to the bed, making Remus move a little for him to sit on the edge, and started giving him caresses all over his face. Forehead, nose, cheekbones and hair, just like Sirius knew Remus liked. With his boyfriend’s touch, Remus melted a little, and felt all the love and gentleness Sirius had to give him. He could feel like dying, but Sirius always made him feel better.
“Bad day?” He asked, moving closer to Remus.
“I'm just a little tired.” Remus responded, nodding at the same time. Sirius knew that he was tired, but it wasn't a physical thing. It was a mind thing, and that was the worst part.
“What do you need, sweetheart?” Sirius asked.
“Just… can you come to bed with me? Please?”
The anguish in Remus’ voice broke Sirius’ heart. The last few days Remus had been in an anxiety episode, and sometimes life felt like climbing a hill. Since Sirius met him, Remus opened his world to him, and he promised himself to take care of that cute, kind, beautiful and sweet boy in every way possible. Sometimes, Remus’ chest would hurt cause of the anguish and, in that occasions, Sirius’ chest would also hurt, because he couldn’t take all the sadness inside of Remus and leave him just with the happiness he deserves.
But he couldn’t. He couldn’t, and Sirius had to learn to live with that. Now, he does everything within his power to make Remus feel better. If some days it is getting in bed with him and cuddling, that’s what Sirius would do.
“Of course. Let me change and I'll be next to you in a minute.” He stood up and was about to go to his side of the bed when Remus’ hand took his to stop him.
“Wait.” He sounded shy, ashamed almost. But he knew he could trust Sirius, so he asked for what he needed. “Can you give me a hug before?” Sirius smiled, grateful that, even with all the anguish Remus was feeling, he was capable to ask for help. It was a difficult step that he had to get over when they started dating, but now he knew that he could never, ever, ever bother Sirius with his needs, especially the ones that implied mental health.
“Oh, I'm sorry.” Sirius apologized, bending to reach Remus’ height. “I should've started with that”
“It's okay, you were worried.”
Remus smiled a little. It wasn't the happiness that Sirius would like to see, but in this moment, smiling was a really good thing for Remus, even though it wasn't genuine. Sirius hugged him, gave him a kiss in the forehead and a last caress before putting his pyjamas and get in bed.
Sirius wasn't even covered with the bed sheets when Remus turned to him, crossed an arm over his waist and placed his head in Sirius’ chest. He felt save there, and it was the first time on the day he was feeling that way.
“Wow, easy, Moonbeam.” Sirius spoke, soft. “Let me at least lay down first”
“I don't want to. I'm good here, thank you very much.” It wasn’t much, but Remus being able to have a little humour being in his state melted Sirius’ heart.
“I know, but you'll be better if you let me lay down. Come on.” He gave him another kiss in the forehead and Remus detangled himself, just enough to let Sirius get comfortable. When he was ready, Remus went to hug him again, tighter this time. “Feeling better?”
“A little.” Remus said, placing a kiss over Sirius’ heart. “Can you give me caresses in the hair please?”
“All you want, love.”
Sirius hold Remus by the waist, bringing him closer to his body and started making what Remus asked for. With the caresses, he also started kissing his forehead from time to time. Sirius didn’t knew how much time they stayed like that, but Remus’ breath was slowing down and his legs weren’t moving constantly anymore.
But Sirius kept Remus like that, just hugging and trying to hold him. At some point, when they were in the line between being sleep and awake, they changed positions and Remus ended being the little spoon, with the warm and safety Sirius gave him behind him.
“Sirius?” Remus spoke, curling more into Sirius’ arms.
“Yes?”
“Are you asleep?”
“No.” He smiled a little, kissing his neck. “Are you?”
“No.”
“You’re feeling better?”
“A little.” Remus turned around and gave Sirius a smile. “Thanks for taking care of me.”
This time, it was Remus the one to give a caress in Sirius’ cheek. He was looking at him with all the love, and even more, Remus knew Sirius had to give. At first, he used to get overwhelmed because, how could someone love him that much? But with time, he started getting used to it, and knew that Sirius cared genuinely for him, just like he did with Sirius.
“Always, love.”
Remus gave him a little kiss, and Sirius couldn’t do more than just enjoying all the love Remus was trying to give him. “These last months I realised that I had been struggling with anxiety for a long time, but the symptoms were different, and I didn’t knew what it was.” Sirius gave Remus caresses in his cheeks, trying to support him for when he decided to keep going. “In occasions, I felt that those weird feelings were never going to end, and sometimes I still feel that way, but I know what it is now.” Remus made a pause, took a deep breath and started again. “With time I started to ignore my feelings cause I couldn’t handle not knowing what to do, but then I would explode for the things I was feeling and the bad moments were even worse. Till I met you.”
“Oh.” Sirius took his hand between his, to comfort Remus and himself. “I didn’t knew the last thing.”
“Cause I never told you, love.” He laughed a little, like a little kid, and Sirius smiled. Remus laughing was his favourite image. “It wasn’t like everything had ended and suddenly I was happy all the time, but I knew for sure that the bad moments were going to end, but sometimes I forget that. I know you’ll be there to remind me that it can be over or, at least, making it less bad by holding me, or hugging me, or kissing me or all the things you do to love me.”
Remus’ cheeks were a little pink after saying those things. He was never good at showing himself vulnerable and asking for help, but Sirius made it easy.
“Oh, love.” Sirius gave a squeeze in his hand to show that he was there for him. “I’m always going to be here for you. Always, always, always and whenever you need. I’m sorry, I really don’t know what to say.”
“Did I overwhelm you?” Remus asked, worried.
“But in a good way.”
Remus saw Sirius’ eyes a little wet, and suddenly, he wanted to cry too.
“It’s a bit unfair that you can tell me all these things and the only thing I can give in respond is a simple I love you and cry.”
“It’s okey. These things make me cry too. And I’ve known since I met you that your love language is acts of service.” Remus shrugged, trying to comfort Sirius a bit. “And, you know, I love you too.”
“To the moon and the stars?”
“To the moon and the stars.” Remus confirmed.
Then, they kissed. It was a soft and delicate kiss, with all the love they had for each other. With that kiss, just like with all the other kisses they gave each other, they were making a promise. They promised, in the starts or their relationship, to always take care for each other and being there, and almost two years after, they were doing just that.
Sirius’ lips were soft against Remus’, and he let go of Remus’ hand to hold him by the waist. Remus reached closer to him and placed his hand in Sirius’ hair. Sadly, they needed to breath, so the kiss had to end. But it ended with the both of them with big smiles in their faces and eyes saying that they loved the other, just like the day of their first I love you, to the moon and the stars.
“I love you.” Sirius said, hugging Remus and placing his head in the crook of his neck.
“I love you, too.”
“Are you feeling better?”
“How couldn’t I, with you here and taking care of me?”
“I don’t know.” Sirius shrugged but held Remus tighter. “Sometimes we can’t control our mind or body, even if we want to.”
“I’m feeling better, you can be quiet for a bit.” Remus kissed Sirius’ forehead, and hugged Sirius back, tightening the mess made by their bodies.
“Okey.”
“Okey.”
Remus took a deep breath and placed his head in Sirius’ neck. Copying his boyfriend, he tried to move even more closer and took another breath. He felt Sirius’ smile and little kisses in his neck, showing him his love in other way. Remus just smiled and, with his boyfriend in his arms, and him being in Sirius’, their breaths’ slowed and they fell asleep.
They woke up hours later, with soft kisses and relaxed expressions. They kissed a little more, hugged each other more, and said ‘I love you’ even more. After a soft dinner, they fell asleep again, knowing they had their world in their hands, and all the love they could have in their hearts to give to the other.