Sirius just wants to talk. he wants to make things right, he wants to fix this fucked up mess hes made. Remus has been avoiding him ever since it happened. the prank, that disgusting, life ruining prank.
“Remus, i know you dont want to talk to me but-“
Remus doesnt even look at him. he pays him no mind, he has no caring left for sirius’s bullshit.
“Im not talking to you, go ruin someone elses life.”
he grabs his bag and walks out the door, slamming it loudly, without even looking back. not a second thought, not one fleeting moment of guilt. and sirius cant blame him, can he? he hurt him, of course he did. he doesnt know why he did it, but he did. he ruined his boyfriends- no, not boyfriend anymore, just Remus’s.
and god, is sirius desperate. he wants to be able to call remus more than a classmate, a roommate, he wants his love back.
he isnt thinking as he sprints out the door to remus, panting as he catches up to him.
“moony, just let me fucking explain, just let me apologise-just….i need to-“
Remus turns around and stares sirius in a way he’s only seen once or twice. its the way he looked at Walburga. It’s the way he looked at Severus. It’s disgust, pure distaste and hatred.
“i dont want to hear your excuses, and dont fucking call me that. you dont deserve to call me that, its only for people i actually give a shit about. stop running after me, you’re acting like a bloody stalker,”
he sneers. Sirius is used to being degraded, he’s good at coping with it. But from moon- from Remus, it feels different. it feels…worse?
“Just fucking listen to me, i love you so much and i cant be alone, please moon-..remus. dont leave me here alone,” his voice breaks, and for some weird reason he’s crying. why is he crying? its not polite. its embarrasing, he shouldn’t be crying, he needs to remember his manners.
Remus’s eyes flash with something like fear as he lunges out sharply and punches the wall, leaving the loose bricks crumbling at their feet.
“get this through your entilted, vain ass sirius. i dont love you. i cant fucking love you, not after what you did. i will never forgive you. i will never pay you any mind other than the times i think of you, a self-harming alchoholic, so i feel better about my life because i could never stoop down to your level,”
he breathes heavily, his heart pounding as he stares into sirius’s grey, cruel, traitorous eyes. Sirius is crying, but Remus doesnt feel bad. well, maybe a litfle bit. but he shouldnt. theres no point in caring for traitors, especially traitors who broke his heart.
but in sirius’s mind? he isnt thinking about remus. no, hea thinking of Walburga. She used to talk like this to him. and after all of those years of hell, he’s figured out a way to make the insults and repromands hurt less.
sirius sinks to his knees, the broken tile and breaks slicing into his legs. as remus watches in horror, disgust, (and worry, though we wont admit it) Sirius starts laughing like a psycopath.
“crucio me, remus,” he looks up at remus and continues laughing. this was always his solution. that way, there was a point for the pain to grasp on to, his heartbreak could focus on the excruciating physical pain instead of the love hes destroying.
“oh my god, youre fucking sick. Youre actually mental,” remus stares in…conern? worry? disgust? he stares in something as sirius’s blood runs in small rivulets across the cold, hard tiles.
“give me the cruciatus, moony, i need fucking crucio,” the maniacal laughing has turned into sobs.
“im not doing that. im not wasting an unforgivable on you,” Remus’s anger is started to fade as the reality seeps in. Sirius is killing himself. whether intentional or not, hes descending into an actual horrific state that will lead into either a suicide, an addict, or a homocide.
“i dont want to hurt you, sirius,” his voice breaks as he drops his wand so sirius doesnt flinch at its every move, at the threat of a curse or hex.
“im not going to hurt you,” he doesn’t know why, but he’s hugging Sirius. why is he hugging sirius? he ruined his life. he could have landed Remus in Azkaban. but he has this weird emotion towards him. its like….a warmth in his chest he’s only felt a few times, most of those with his mother.
“im never going to hurt you, pads,” he whispers as he hugs Sirius tighter.
God, remus hates this boy, he really does. but theres this old feeling returning to him for sirius. Hope.