Spectre

James wasn’t made for lying. He couldn’t deal with it. He was lying to his parents, to the police, to his friends, to the internet, to everyone.

 He was a liar. 

It turned out lying came naturally to him, he did a good job, at least that’s what A told him. Speaking of A, despite his demand for James to stop digging, he tried to find out who he was, just on his own. He didn’t say anything about him to anyone, so James figured it was safe as long as he was careful. He didn’t want to reveal his identity to everyone, no, James was selfish.

He simply wanted to know. James was a bad person, he was well aware of that. He should help lock this man up, he was a serial killer, yet James wanted to know for himself. He wanted to be the only one to know. Because he was a selfish man.

It was hard not to mention anything to his friends, to Sirius, because he told Sirius everything. It was weird keeping something from him, it felt wrong, but right at the same time. James felt superior in some way, like A was just his and no one else’s. 

There was also something uncanny about A, maybe he just reminded James of Sirius too much. It was still so weird, he didn’t understand it. Perhaps they were related? He killed people exclusively from Sirius’s family circle. It made sense in some way. 

He had to look into that, maybe even ask Sirius some questions. 

But now he had to focus on not telling his friends anything about A during their dinner together.

“What do you think we should do for the next episode, James?” Peter asked him before stuffing his face with pasta that James had prepared for them.

“Well, I don’t really know yet.” A didn’t give him any clear instructions yet, so he had no idea what they had to say. “I’ll try to sit on it tonight and come up with some ideas.” He’ll ask him.

Planning episodes had been significantly easier for James since now he had A, who basically gave him scripts ready to read, but it was hard to keep up with the lies. 

It should be eating him alive. Why isn’t it eating him alive?

“I can stay and share my ideas.” Sirius proposed, and oh no. James couldn’t do that. A always visited him at night and he needed him tonight to help him with the episode, but he also couldn’t say no to Sirius, it would be too suspicious.

“Yeah, sure,” he mumbled, trying to sound casual. In reality, he was panicking. What was he supposed to do? 

He thought about faking feeling sick, but Sirius would see right through that, he knew him too well. He was in a trap.

“I’m meeting with Lily tomorrow. Maybe she knows something interesting.” Remus said casually. 

Lily was their good friend and James’s ex-girlfriend. They were still on good terms though, so it was all good, they just weren’t right for each other. Lily was a detective at the police station his parents worked at, that’s where they met. She was a great help with the investigation and the podcast.

“Say hi from me.” Sirius’s gaze met Remus’s, and James felt as if he was interrupting something really personal. Peter probably felt the same. 

The moment was over in just seconds but it felt like centuries had passed. They moved on and Sirius didn’t look at Remus for the rest of dinner. 

These two are going to kill him.

While Remus and Peter left after dinner, Sirius stayed and James didn’t know what to do. He wanted to sleep over and it soon became clear that it’s not about the podcast episode but something more. As soon as their friends left, the facade broke and Sirius looked nervous and tired. 

“Did something happen, Pads?” They rarely used their nicknames outside of the internet but somehow it felt gentler than using his name. James sometimes wondered if Sirius’s name reminded him of his past and these terrible things he’d gone through. Maybe that’s why he proposed the idea of nicknames. They used them from the beginning as a way to separate their real life from their job. 

“No,” he answered softly. “Well, not exactly, but kind of.”

“Come on.” James gestured to his bedroom. When they were younger, they shared a bed every night. It was soon after he had run away from home and James’s parents found him and took him in. Sirius couldn’t really sleep on his own, so James comforted him and helped him through his nightmares. It wasn’t much but it was something. 

When Sirius started to feel better, they’d stopped but he still sometimes came to James when he needed him.

So here they were, laying in James’s bed, their bodies gently pressed together. It almost came naturally to them, like it was meant to be like this. It wasn’t romantic, it never was, it was soft and gentle and so important to Sirius.

“I’m worried,” Sirius said, breaking the peaceful silence they were in. 

“About what?” James asked softly. He tried to be as gentle as he could with Sirius.

“The killer is targeting the people my family surrounded themselves with.”

“You’re worried about your family?” James said quietly, drawing circles on Sirius’s back with his finger. 

“Not about my parents.” That James understood. He didn’t know anything about Sirius's past, but he could tell he didn’t have a good relationship with his parents. After he ran away from them, he was completely broken. He couldn’t sleep on his own, he had difficulty with even the simplest things.

“So what do you worry about?” The circles became stars now. He had associated stars with Sirius ever since he met him. Partly because of his name and partly because, in a sense, he was like his personal star. He guided James when he felt lost, he lit up even the darkest times. He was the brightest star in the sky after all. 

Always the brightest.

“I had a brother.” Sirius said simply, and James couldn’t help but feel like he was missing something. Like he was just given a big piece of information, but he was completely missing the point. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“What if something happens to him?” His voice was so small and weak that James wanted to kill A for causing it. It was all his fault. James excused his actions all the time because he was fucked up, but not when it came to Sirius. Never when it was about Sirius. “It would be my fault. I left him there.”

“You did nothing wrong,” James said softly.

“He hates me,” a quiet sob escaped Sirius’s lips, and it broke James to see him like that. He hated seeing Sirius cry and unfortunately he used to see that a lot.

“He doesn't, Sirius, I’m sure he doesn't.”

“I know he does. I left him, James, I-” He tried to speak but his voice cracked.

“He’s okay Sirius, I can promise you he’s okay, he’s alive,” he tried to console his best friend but he didn’t seem to be listening to him. 

“I left him, he’s alone there, he’s-” Sirius was mindlessly repeating. 

James’s gaze moved to the window as the figure came closer. It was him. Suddenly something clicked for James and he froze, his finger still pressed to Sirius’s skin.

No, it couldn’t be true.

But it made so much sense.

And A looked like he knew that James got it. He looked worried, like it wasn’t supposed to happen, like he didn’t expect James to figure it out. 

But he did.

James had the urge to just turn Sirius around and show him that his brother is alive and well and literally right there but he couldn’t break his promise. 

No, there would be consequences.

Sirius couldn’t find out. 

“You want to talk about him?” James asked him. Of course he wanted to comfort Sirius but he was also selfish. He wanted to find out, he wanted to know as much as he could about him. He wanted it. He needed it. 

He was a selfish man.

“No, I don’t think so,” Sirius answered, and James had to hide his disappointment.

“Can you at least tell me his name?” 

“No. I don’t want you to know.” 

And with that, they just went to sleep. 

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When James woke up in the morning, Sirius was gone. Maybe it was better that way, he didn’t have to lie to his face again. James didn’t know what to do with the newfound information. 

He got up to make himself tea, and he jumped when he saw A in his kitchen, waiting for him.

He was so fucked.

“Morning,” he said innocently, like he didn’t just break into his apartment. Doing this at night was one thing, they agreed on it, but coming in wherever he wanted? Kind of freaking James out, but at the same time he kind of liked it that he came here just to see him. 

“What are you doing here? It’s morning.” James asked. 

The boy looked even more beautiful in the daylight. His eyes were light, ice-like, and cold, James wanted to look straight into them forever. Is that what Sirius feels when he looks at Remus?If so, he understood now. 

“Oh, I just wanted to see you,” he smiled, but there was nothing happy about it. “I noticed you spent the night with Sirius. He told you anything interesting?”

“Not really,” the boy took a quick step towards James so that they were standing face to face.

“Don’t lie James,” 

“I’m not lying, he didn’t tell me anything about you.”

“Okay,” he shrugged, which wasn’t a good sign. “What did he tell you?”

James felt like there was no way out of this situation, he had to tell him everything or he would get killed or something. The vision looked kind of hot in his mind but anyway-

“Just that he has a brother-”

“Had.”

“I’m sorry?”

“He had a brother. Not anymore.”

“Okay, I see.” James eyed the boy carefully. “I won’t tell him it’s you.”

“I never said it’s me.”

“Okay.”

Silence fell over the room as they stared at each other. The boy’s eyes burnt holes in James’s skin, he had never before felt this way. A had something about him, something that pulled James towards him, that made him forget all the things he had done and draw him closer and closer. 

There was something so fascinating about this boy, maybe it was just James, maybe it was him, but James liked it.

“Could you at least tell me your name?” James asked. “I think we’re at this stage of our relationship now.”

“He didn’t tell you?” James shook his head. “And this is not a relationship.”

“What else would you call it?”

“Just two people knowing each other,” he rolled his eyes. James wasn’t sure it was intentional.

“Isn’t that what a relationship is?”

“No, shut up.” He furrowed his brows. “Archie.”

“Your name is Archie? I expected something more, like, star-related maybe?”

“Oh, my full name is star-related. It’s just a nickname.” He gave him a little smile. He smiled, and James could just melt right then and there. 

“It’s cute. Suits you.” He smiled back at him.

“Now, let’s talk about the next episode.”

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Lily loved the Marauders, she really did. They were one of her closest friends and she loved helping them, but right now she was getting fed up with gathering evidence for them. It gave her only more work to do than she already had, and she was getting tired. She was meeting with Remus to tell him that she won’t do that for them anymore, she can tell them what she knows but nothing more. No more digging than she has to do, no sneaking around the police station looking for something valuable that’s outside her responsibilities.

She figured Remus was the best person to relay these news to, as she was the closest with him. She tried to see James as little as she could since they broke up, not because she held something against him, no, she loved James, he was her friend. It was so weird when they were around each other. 

She was also really close to Sirius, he was like a brother to her, honestly, but they just have another kind of relationship than her and Remus. She felt like he wasn't the best person to tell this to, he would be dramatic and she would give in and still do what she didn’t want to do.

Peter also wasn’t the best option because Lily could never say no to him. She literally always agreed to anything he asked her, he just had that effect on her.

So Remus was the best option. 

That’s why they were now sitting in a small coffee shop that Remus liked so much, and Lily was getting really nervous. 

But it’s Remus, so it’s going to be okay. He was the best option. The easiest option.

She hated disappointing people, she couldn't bear it. That’s why she was so bad at saying no to people.

“So, Remus-” 

“Lils, we’re so thankful you’re doing this for us. We wouldn't be able to do any of it without you.” Remus interrupted her, and oh. How could she do something like this to them? How could she let them all down? They need her.

“Yes, thank you for the recognition,” she chuckled.

“I wanted to ask if you want to be a guest in one of the next episodes?”

Lily hated that idea, she hated showing her face on the internet. She wasn’t a public person and their friends had quite a lot of followers. There was nothing she hated more. “Yes, of course,” she answered cheerfully. She had to pretend to like it. 

For Remus’s sake.

“Great! I’ll arrange it for you.”

“Lovely,” she said simply. 

She had given up.

After her meeting with Remus, she came back home. To her sad, empty house. She should’ve moved out when she had the chance, now she felt like it was silly. She had this beautiful house, all to herself, yet it felt wrong. She hated this house. She had bought it with James when they were still together. Then she loved it, it was all that she wanted. 

Now? Now, she wished she moved out instead of James. She wished it was her that got to move on, that she could just find a new place and live like nothing happened. Because it happened, and Lily hated that. She didn’t miss the relationship itself, she and James didn’t work out, and that was that. She just missed having someone there, someone to talk to, someone to fill this empty house and the hole in her heart.

She went on many dates since her relationship with James ended, she did everything to fill this emptiness she felt inside but no one felt right. She never met with the same man twice, they just weren’t that interesting to her, she didn’t like any of them. She started wondering if she even liked James in the first place, maybe not. She couldn’t tell anymore.

She had no one to tell this to. She considered telling any of her friends but she just felt like it was wrong, like she had no right to feel this way. She even thought about telling James, he would surely understand, he always did, but what if he didn’t? 

It would kill her.

So she just stayed in her sad, empty house, all alone in her feelings. It was better this way.

Better for everyone.

There was also the problem of her sister. Her sister, who needed Lily to know how much better she was doing than her. She was calling almost every day, boosting about her upcoming wedding, her fiance, her friends, her oh incredible job, everything. She was targeting Lily, she wanted to make her feel worse about herself since she and James broke up. She even told it to her face once that she deserves it after years of getting treated better by their parents, which wasn’t true, by the way. At least Lily didn’t feel like it was, but maybe Petunia felt it a different way.

Just as she was thinking about it, her phone started ringing and of course it was Petunia.

Here we go again.

“Hi, Lils,” her sister's voice filled her ears as he picked up. “Did you find a date for the wedding yet?”

“No, Tunia, I don’t need a date for your wedding, I can just go alone.”

“Absolutely no, Lily, you're my maid of honor, you need someone to go with you. Maybe just ask James, he would be perfect.” Lily absolutely couldn’t do that. Well, technically she could, she was sure James would agree and they were still friends after all. But it wasn’t about that. It was about filling the hole that was eating her alive with something, anything.

“I’ll think about it,” she answered. “I have to go, I’ll call you later-” 

“Lily, wait-”

And with that, she hung up on her. She didn’t want to think about it anymore, she just wanted to sleep.

So to sleep she went.