///1996.
With a sigh, Hannah threw herself onto her bed, immediately finding her favorite pane in the stained glass roof of her dorm, a patchwork of clear shapes and the entire spectrum of greens, best to blend in with the grass. It was a small green square, bright and lovely--kelly green, Seamus had called the shade, the green of his home.
“He’s exaggerating,” Susan told her with an eye roll, “Ireland is not filtered in technicolor.” Okay, but--so what! That’s what the best of spring, the best of summer felt like in a green.
(What Hannah loved best about Susan: With things like this, Susan thought Hannah was taking a swim in a lake of imagination; and while Susan rarely wanted to jump in, she rather enjoyed sitting on the shore. Whereas Ernie preferred to be the lifeguard. Justin, he’d happily move between the three, with perhaps a wander where the others didn’t bother to go, returning with ice cream or a flier for a concert. Some days, she could forget almost everything that was going wrong, with her O.W.L.s, with her weight, with her everything , when the world was just the four of them.)
She stared up at that patch of perfect bright green and let a wave of longing sweep over her, making her dizzy. If only…
“Wotcher, Han, were your prefect rounds challenging tonight?” Susan looked up from her book, a Muggle legal drama Justin had given her. “What did the Gryffindors do now?”
“No, they were fine. Quiet, actually. The whole night was quiet.” She sighed harder. “That was the problem: I was paired with Anthony, and we just talked for the whole time, and…he’s so interesting. Did you know he experiments on making electrical devices work on magic? He got an old movie projector to work that way! And he’s quite funny…”
Susan frowned down at Hannah from her own bed. “Are you getting a crush on Anthony?”
“No! No. I…” Hannah sighed yet again, reaching over to grab her teddy bear. “If this were a book or a movie? Ant would be going back to his dorm and saying how interesting I am…that…he’s seeing me differently--seeing me , not…”
Her eyes swept down the mountain range of large bulges that made up her body. She was nearly the heaviest girl in the year now, save Eloise and Millicent.
Susan’s face softened into something sad. “Oh. Han…”
“But he’s not.” Susan’s head whipped to the side, and Hannah sat up to stare at Frannie in silent horror, her eyes reflexively filling with tears. “He’s not going to magically look past your weight, Han.”
“That’s remarkably out of line, Francesca,” Susan snapped.
“It’s not! I’m not being mean!” Frannie insisted, and she looked at Hannah in concern. “I don’t want to see you get some hopeless crush again. You had that mammoth one on Paul Perks for nearly three years , and if he didn’t move away, you’d still be pining for him, right--and it was so painful for us to watch you get hurt over and over because--boys don’t want to date fat girls, Hannah. They just don’t. It’s cruel, but they don’t.”
She snapped her fingers to get Megan’s attention. “Am I right?”
“She’s right, Han,” Meg said apologetically, glancing up from her flitterboom cutting. “Paul was always way too nice to say it, but…” She winced. “Ant isn’t way too nice. Don’t push something and get him to tell you the truth in a way that’ll hurt you.”
“Any boy that doesn’t want Hannah because of her weight isn’t worth her time or attention,” Susan nearly shouted, her face fixed in a furious way.
“I agree! So! Hannie should consider boys who maybe are more…more--you know. The ones who don’t…maybe…get a lot of attention? So they may be-- actually open to seeing you,” Frannie suggested, placing each word carefully.
“Like…maybe Alex Lynch? Or Jupiter Jepperds?” Meg said.
“Maybe Neville Longbottom?”
Hannah fiddled with the ribbon around her teddy’s neck. “Neville’s really kind,” she murmured. And sweet. And had such a nice smile and was the best student in Herbology and was Professor Sprout’s favorite and--
“Hannie?” Susan swung her legs to hang over the side of her bed. “Maybe? Instead of drowning yourself in longing for boys like Anthony or convincing yourself to like boys like Neville, you take all of that energy and put it into your O.W.L. study. Come on! Hermione’s on track for nine O’s, but I don’t think Lav and Parv and Eloise can touch that. Hufflepuff hasn’t had a strong showing in the top-level mark on the girls’ side since Ophelia Shaw. Between you and me and with Meg’s likely O in Herbology, I think we can top the rest of Gryffindor. We’ve got this. Focus on that.”
Hannah nodded. She sighed out, resting her hands on her stomach, feeling the soft pillow of her body and hating it with all of her heart. She’d focus on her O.W.L.s because romantic things didn’t happen to girls who look like her. She stared up at her patch of green and battled back a sob, the urge to just roll over in her bed and hide forever.
///1997, 1.
The first time she heard it was at King’s Cross, standing between Susan and Ernie as they waited for the Hogwarts Express to slide open its doors to allow on the students for this terrible, compulsory year. She stared to the empty spot where Justin should be standing. Justin should be here, and she should not. Justin and the other Hufflepuffs he had been able to call and contact and convince to flee with him to France-- all of them should be here instead of her. She should be working at the Leaky, serving families who were hurriedly finishing their brunches to make it to the train station on time. Serving parents returning from dropping off their kids and marking the moment with a pint, a firewhiskey. Both.
This year hadn’t even started, and it was all wrong.
“Hannah? Abbott? Is that you?” The Patil twins were gaping at her, and they rushed over in unison. Parvati let out a gasp, gathering her in a hug. “You are like half of your size, you look brilliant!”
“You’re so pretty, oh my god,” Padma laughed, hugging her next. “And here we thought today would be just straight terrible, but wow! Look at you!”
Parvati waved at an arriving Terry Boot, struggling with his trunk. “Look! It’s Hannah! Hannah’s back!”
“Bloody hell, Hannah,” he blurted out, dropping his trunk. The way he looked at her, she squirmed, feeling relieved as Susan and Ernie shifted to stand a bit in front of her. “You got hot!”
Hannah got hot. Hannah got fit! How’d you do it, Hannah? Was it a potion? Charmed sneakers that forced you to exercise? Hex your food to make it taste bad?Nevermind, you look amazing. Always knew you were pretty under all--that. Look at Hannah! Look at how good she looks!
Look at how good she is now.
All it took was her mother being brutally murdered, drowning in depression for months, and once she started functioning again, food had lost its comfort. It had taken her until just this past summer to enjoy baking again, but when Tom would urge her to have a slice of the bread or the pie she had made, she’d shy away, already imagining the dull way it would sit on her tongue, how food instantly hit her stomach and made it roil. Maybe food was no longer the thing she turned to, hid in, used to ease the size of her emotions and needs, because in a world without her mother…there was no making things better, ever.
How’d you do it! You look amazing.
Don’t you feel so much better looking like this?
Coming back from the prefect’s meeting, where those damn comments would not stop, she curled back into the corner of the compartment that she, Ernie, and Susan had claimed.
“The outsized attention on Hannah’s appearance is deeply unsettling,” Ernie declared, slamming the door shut. “I’m getting tired of the implication that she looked so poorly before!”
“I did, though,” Hannah said softly. “They aren’t wrong.”
“Yeah. They are,” Susan said bluntly. “They can all sod off. And if Justin were here, he’d agree.”
“I miss Jussie,” Hannah said in the same small voice, hugging her legs to her chest. She didn’t miss her weight, but she missed how it acted like an invisibility cloak--like the one Harry Potter was rumored to have (where was he? Him and Hermione…word was that Ron was sick, but… Regardless. God Almighty--who Hannah wasn’t sure she believed in but she sure invoked enough-- please keep Harry safe, please let him do something to save them and make this ever-growing nightmare stop-- ). “Can I read yesterday’s letter to us again?”
“Yeah,” Susan said, reaching for her satchel to pull out the most recent one as Hannah put her feet back down on the ground, starting to smile just in anticipation of reading his words again, how he immediately started with, I’m still fine, we’re all utterly safe and well. It let her breathe fully, releasing her almost tangible worry to keep reading: The Delacours have secured a few more tents and camping supplies so now everyone has their own bed and is sufficiently spread out. Though we just learned that we will likely be moving to Beauxbatons within the week! Madame Maxime is insisting that her school will give us shelter and schooling, so…
There was a knock on the door, and Neville Longbottom waved at them. Without thinking, Hannah’s fist tightened around Justin’s scroll, bracing for the next round of Merlin’s beard, Hannah, look at you!
Neville beamed at her. For a moment, he seemed suspended, his cheeks starting to rose over as he smiled, like she was some surprise Christmas gift he hadn’t believed could actually be beneath the tree. It made her own cheeks start to color in a reflex. “Hannah! I know you wrote saying you had to come back, but--I didn’t believe it somehow-- hi,” he said, stepping inside and shutting the door, moving towards her.
They hugged in the middle of the compartment; it was only with her arms around him, his body against hers, that she realized that he had changed, too. He was taller. Not smaller--leaner, as he used to be round all over; since the time she had last seen him in December, he had been further stretched into a solid rectangle. Like he should be put on a broom and set in front of the hoops to ward off quaffles, the wall of him promising protection.
“Hey, Nev.” She gave him an extra squeeze. “I’d rather see you at the Leaky, but--I’m very happy to see you, period. I missed you!”
“And me you! Letters were nice, but--this is--is--yeah.” As he drew back, he gave her another wide smile, glancing at Susan and Ernie and saying hello to them before looking back at Hannah. “I’ll be quick, I don’t want to draw attention, make anyone think--well--anyway--me and Gin are circulating…we were, well, us and Luna, we were, ah--curious…are you all open to gathering up our old fifth year, erm, study group? To talk? About how--”
“Yes,” Hannah said immediately, the same time Susan and Ernie said it, too.
His face bloomed in another wide smile. “I told Ginny and Luna, the Hufflepuffs will be in. I didn’t think it would be before I could finish the sentence!” The others laughed with him. He held up a finger. “Um. Zacharias…do you think--”
“Don’t reach out to him,” Susan said immediately. “He’s--not a bad bloke, exactly, but--”
“He became much closer to Wayne over the past year through Quidditch, and his letters to me…well. I think the thing in him that made him join the D.A. in the first place is…less,” Hannah said with a wince.
“He’s not one of us,” Ernie said with a puff of his chest, looking resolute. “Those loyal to Harry without reservation.”
“No. You three are different. Well--you four-- ” He glanced over his shoulder at the closed door and the student-filled aisle beyond. Voice dropping to a whisper, he added, “Justin, Megan, and the others are still safe?”
“Yeah. We’ll fill you in at the castle where we have more privacy--you can read his letters,” Susan whispered back.
“You’ll use the usual means of communication, I presume? About the--study group?” Ernie asked in a normal volume.
“Yeah. Luna and the Ravenclaw boys are going to work tonight to alter the protean charm so we can create a new group but use the same--thing. You know, be able to message just us and not the entire membership every time. It’s not like, you know, Cho and the Weasley twins need to get all of that. We’ll try to get a meeting day and time out once they’re done, probably for this weekend. Just--keep an eye on it. And don’t talk about it with the others…Gin thinks we--well, that the second we step foot in the castle, our guards need to be all the way up. Make sense?”
“Got it,” Susan nodded.
“We’ll be ready,” Hannah told him, and he gave her arm a squeeze.
And after he said goodbye, heading back into the train’s aisle, it took Hannah an extra minute to realize…he hadn’t mentioned it--her body , how it had changed. It didn’t matter to him at all.
///1997, 2.
“Anthony likes you.”
Hannah looked up from her copy of Mansfield Park and her lunch. Morag was suddenly seated in front of her, hands folded, staring intently at Hannah; Morag had an incredible ability to be still.
“Excuse me?”
“Anthony likes you,” Padma repeated, taking a seat on Morag’s right. On the left, Su was nodding.
“I…well, I would hope so? We are prefects together--not the same year anymore, but--”
Padma sighed, glancing at Su. “She’s clueless.” Padma reached out and touched Hannah’s hand. “He likes you, Han.”
“Like likes you,” Su added with a smile that nudged at Hannah. “Fancies you.”
“He sent us to tell you,” Morag said solemnly.
“You know. Going into tonight. Just in case…the bottle spins between you two…hopefully, you don’t want just a kiss on the cheek,” Padma said with a wiggly grin.
“I was planning on lip-kissing whomever the bottle points me to--that’s the spirit of the game,” Hannah said.
“Even if it’s a girl?” Su whispered, her eyes wide.
“Especially if it’s a girl. That’s not a thing to think is weird or bad, just maybe not for me--then again, kissing Ernie is certainly not for me either, yet I’ll still do it if he wanted to, for the game,” Hannah said firmly. She hesitated though, blushing. She grinned down at her half-eaten bowl of soup. “But…I’d be rather happier to snog Ant. If. You know. It happens.” She bit the insides of her lips, trying to tamp down her smile.
“That is very good to know,” Padma beamed back.
“Indeed,” Morag nodded, a small but pleased smile on her face; sometimes, she resembled her cousin (third- or fourth-removed)--one Minerva McGonagall--far too much for comfort.
“We’ll let him know,” Su added, giving Hannah a delighted smile, too, leaving Hannah red-cheeked and grinning wider.
The moment the Ravenclaw trio lifted up from the table and headed away, Ginny scurried over from Gryffindor’s table, Seamus in tow. “What was that all about?”
Hannah picked up her spoon and then set it back in her bowl; she wondered if she could re-warm the whole soup with the heat coming off of her wildly red face. “They said Anthony likes me. Like-- like likes me.”
Seamus straightened up and waved back behind him. “Lav!”
“Well, I mean, duh, who wouldn’t like you,” Ginny said. “Do you like him?”
Hannah grinned wider, blushed harder. “He’s so cute, don’t you think?”
“I mean, sure. I am a bit over the whole ‘arrogant Ravenclaw’ deal after having my own, but…”
“It’s not not fun while it lasts,” Seamus said with a sly grin, and Hannah giggled. “Han, you’re the same color as Madame Puddifoot’s wallpaper.”
As Hannah pressed her hands against her cheeks, Lavender ambled over, taking another crunch of a half-eaten apple. “What’s up?”
Seamus came around to stand behind Hannah, hands on her shoulders as if presenting her. “The Ravenclaw girls just told Hannie that Ant’s got an itch for her.”
“And hopes she’ll fancy a snog if the bottle makes it so,” Ginny added, grinning at Hannah.
“Oh my god,” Lavender squealed. She started waving her hands at Hannah, palms flat. “We will take care of everything, Spin the Bottle night is going to be your night.”
“Really?” Hannah said, grinning wide as her face started to rush with a full on red that rivaled the color of Lavender’s snack.
“Come to Gryffindor, like, an hour before it starts, we’ll get you all ready, he’s going to melt when he sees you, so bloody hard that he’ll rig the spin to make sure he gets a snog.” As Parvati appeared at Lavender’s side, the other girl let out a delighted trill. “Parvi, we’re giving Hannah a makeover.”
Parvati slapped her hand over her heart, beaming at Hannah. “This is literally the best day ever. Okay, we’re burning everything yellow in your closet.”
“Wait, no, P, only for Spin the Bottle night.”
“Lavvie, I love you, but you’re inconveniently incrementalist on this one.”
“Oh, congrats, you did the Defense reading on battle strategy, nice try,” Lavender laughed, giving Parvati a bump and making the other girl dissolve into giggles.
Seamus put his hands on Hannah’s shoulders, going up on his tiptoes and giving her a light squeeze. “Now, come, Parv, respect Hannah’s beauty journey!”
Ginny frowned. “Wait, we’re on some epic makeover quest now? I did not pack enough eyeshadow for that.”
“Mates.” Neville appeared, leaning in, and whispered, “You could not be more conspicuous if you tried. We agreed on no…you know, stuff in the Great Hall!”
Lavender scoffed. “Hello, we’re not thick, Nev. We’re talking about how we’re giving Hannah a makeover.”
Neville glanced at Hannah in confusion. “Hannah doesn’t need a makeover, she’s already perfect.” With a distracted wave of his hand, he said, “Regardless, break it up. You all look like you’re plotting something, and Snape or the Carrows could flounce in at any bloody minute!”
“As if you don’t want a piece of my plots,” Parvati teased, and his mouth dropped slightly; he fumbled the books in his hands, barely catching them before they fell from his arms, and then stumbling over his feet as he moved away, glancing back at Parvati with the distinct daze of someone who had just been pounded with a bludger to the head, causing her and Lavender to giggle and exchange a knowing series of eyebrow wiggles.
Hannah blinked in surprise and looked up at Ginny who rolled her eyes in annoyance, as if commenting on what had just happened was too dumb for words.
Seamus poked Parvati. “Stop torturing him! He’s like an ickle first year with girls, don’t flirt if you don’t plan on following through.”
“Me, torturing him? Those jumpers of his, they torture me, you can’t even tell he’s--they’re so--” Parvati flexed her fingers at him as he moved away like she wanted to wring his neck. “Let me at them--”
“Patience,” Lavender sighed, rubbing her best friend’s arm. “One day. One day, we will be triumphant. We have to balance winning battles against winning wars.”
“Aw, you did the reading, too!”
///1997, 3.
“Alright, a reminder on the ground rules we all agreed on,” Lavender called out, standing in the middle of the seventh year Gryffindor boys’ dorm, holding up a bottle of firewhiskey. “I don’t care who you get, you have to give them a kiss somewhere. Hands, heads, cheeks, whatever, there’s no wimping out. And don’t be mean about it. But if you choose not the lips, you gotta do a shot. And everybody has to do a shot when certain things happen.”
“What things?” Luna asked.
“Whatever me and Parv decide.”
“I get to weigh in!” Ginny said from where she said beside Neville at the head of his bed.
“And Ginny gets to weigh in,” Parvati agreed.
“Do I get to, too?” Susan asked, sprawled over his bed’s foot.
“Sure, whatever. Doesn’t matter, we’re all getting shattered tonight--there are plenty of beds here in the dorms for everybody if you don’t just pass out here on our floor.”
“Notice how mine and Nev’s dorm has turned into ‘our dorm’ for those two and Ginny,” Seamus muttered to Ernie.
“Yeah, and you two are bloody lucky for it!” Lavender thought for a moment; she suddenly perked up. “Okay, and if you get the desire to pull out of the circle to continue snogging, you have to do two shots.”
Parvati swept her hand over the circle of D.A. members--or more accurately, the sixth and seventh years as there was an agreement that this night was for the N.E.W.T. level members to bond alone, better integrate the three new Ravenclaws, please and thank you. “Anybody else sitting out?”
No one in the circle moved, having gotten comfortable while being completely uncomfortable with excitement, nerves, that sweaty energy of anticipation. Hannah kept flickering her eyes over to Anthony, wanting to scream every time she caught him looking back.
“Any of you three change your mind?” Susan and Ginny were obvious as to why they didn't want to play a kissing game--Susan because of Justin, and...well, Ginny said she and Harry were done, acted like they were done, but as Seamus said once a few weeks before, she had the eyes of a widow. She said she was sitting out to keep Neville company, but Neville was just a shield tonight, hiding her heart and its obvious truth.
“Nev? C’mon. It’s not a good look that both of you are sitting out! Like our leadership has no sense of fun.”
“Lune’s doing it!” Ginny said. "She's kissing for three tonight!"
“I look forward to having my first snog tonight,” Luna said with a nod. “But Neville does not. He would like a romantic first kiss. Or at least a private one.”
“I am choosing a tree to plant in our yard, and Gran has so many opinions for me to navigate, this is going to be a challenge. Scent, blooming cycles, fully magical or a magical/Muggle hybrid…I’m very happy to have a night to relax and decide,” he said, not looking up. However, the bit of his face she could see was nearly purple with embarrassment. “You all have fun.”
“Wow, the mood of the room just completely shriveled up in boredom, well done, Nev,” Terry snorted. “Tell us more about your tree.”
“Hey, you know what, one day, you’re going to have a house, and you’ll want a nice yard, and you’ll owl me, and what do you think I’m going to say!”
“Yes,” Michael said flatly. “Neville. You’re going to say yes.” Neville’s shoulders slumped and he sighed, emphatically flipping a page in one of his catalogs with a grouchy look. “Can we please get to the snogging now?”
“With pleasure--Hannah?”
Hannah began moving her wand, dealing the shot glasses around the circle, then taking one of the firewhiskeys that the Gryffindor girls had given to her for the night, filled each of them. “Just a second, I need to bind everything so that the shots fill based on the spin.”
“Bartenders truly are the real heroes,” Ginny said with a salute.
“Han, I hope I get you since I really want to snog you right now,” Seamus said, gazing at the spell in admiration.
She laughed at Seamus, but she could only see Anthony. Right now, yes, he was staring at her. The heat in her cheeks was nearly painful as she refused to look away, drinking in his knowing crook of a smile while she happily burned away.
Shots. Spin. Lavender and Terry exchanging a perfunctory first kiss, earning a loud boo from Ginny. Shots (Susan, since clearly, people needed to loosen up more). Spin. A dull one between Seamus and Padma. Spin. Anthony giving Michael a smacky kiss on the cheek, making everyone laugh. Shots (Lavender, because Susan’s right, everybody’s too sober!) (Parvati saying do it again, let’s go !). Spin. Morag telling Stephen to only kiss her on the cheek, please, then belting a shot of firewhiskey like she was gulping water. Spin. Spin. Parvati getting Hannah, the two of them doing a slight silent dance before committing to the steps, the two meeting in a proper snog, Parvati’s tongue hesitantly tapping Hannah’s before pulling back. She had a thrilled look on her face, and Hannah couldn’t help giggling.
“You’re such a good kisser, Han!” Parvati exclaimed.
“Bloody good show of it, Abbott,” Ginny called out from the bed, clapping. Hannah looked over at her, giggling more wildly as she grinned back. Beside her, Neville stared at Hannah and Parvati as if he had seen a supernova, blinking wildly.
She glanced over at Anthony. He didn’t have Neville’s look of awe; only anticipation.
Shots. Spin. Spin spin spin. Anthony kissing Su in a bored way. Spin. Parvati kissing Ernie on the cheek and saying something that made Neville flush crimson and her and Lavender collapse into giggles.
Spin. Ernie landing Morag and the whole room clutching tight like a fist. Everyone knew: Morag and Ernie's families wanted them to marry someday. Everyone knew: Morag was very pleased with this plan. And everyone knew: Ernie was indifferent--until Morag joined the D.A., and his eyes kept finding their way to her for a good portion of their meetings. Susan bolted upright, her eyes slicing from Hannah to Ernie in a rapid frenzy. Hannah grabbed at Padma’s arm as the two edged in an arc to meet.
Ernie clearing his throat and then tugging at his shirt collar, smoothing his hands over his tie (for he wanted to look nice for the night, you see!). Morag stayed in a kneel, staring at him with her pale, placid freckled face. Finally, he leaned in and pressed his lips against hers; Morag’s hand flew up, hovering in the space between them, before drifting down in a balletic slowness back down to her lap. He pulled back, the pop of their lips releasing echoing in the room.
Morag and Ernie stared at each other.
“Thank you,” she said with a nod, scooting back to her original place; in a seeming stupor of confusion, Ernie shuffled back, too.
Hannah met Susan’s eyes and screamed a look at her best friend whose eyebrows raised a shriek back.
Spin. Spin spin spin shots (Ginny because Neville hadn’t yet and she was taking one of his turns). Spin. Seamus kissing Luna, getting an excited laugh in response and then a snog to follow, him taking a bow as she clapped in approval, her laugh and her smile as bright as her hair. “Oh, snogging is brilliant! Ginny, you said so, but you didn’t do it justice!”
“Is this better than the time the mermaids complimented your Mermish?” Neville grinned. “You said nothing could top that…”
“It has to be at least tied! This is what it will feel like when I finally capture the wrackspurts!” Luna clapped again, her bulbous earrings swinging wildly with the energy of her delight. “Oh, and everybody should get Seamus tonight, he’s delightful! I very much hope to get him again, but I shouldn’t be selfish, I suppose.”
“Hey, wait a sec, you think he’s the best snogger in the group? Bullshite, I’m delightful!” Michael scoffed. He hesitated for a second and then impatiently beckoned Seamus forward with two fingers. “Here--” After a snog that was brief and hard in the ways boys were when a kiss was more of a message, a point, Michael looked at Luna skeptically. “I’m so much better, next time you cheat, cheat for me. ”
“I can’t believe you just made Spin the Bottle competitive,” Susan laughed.
“Shay, what did you think about Mikey?” Padma asked eagerly.
Seamus, his face a mottled pattern of surprise, looked back at Michael with a slowly growing grin before he caught himself and cocked it into a laugh. “Well, I can see why the ladies love him--gents on the other hand…”, earning a stinging jinx in a parry. Laughter bounced around the room, and Hannah began to feel giddy from the energy, from the eagerness, from feeling like maybe this is how this year could have been, all the time.
Spin spin. Shots (Neville for real this time, in excitement that he had found a magical hybrid apple tree that would bear fruit once a year but provide an extended flowering cycle. He was so thrilled, he did a second, clinking against Ginny and Susan’s glasses with a wide smile, daring to look at Parvati for a second--then Hannah. Probably because he knew that she’d get how exciting it is to find just the right plant! So she beamed back at him in reply, even taking another shot to toast him).
Spin. Spin. Lavender and Stephen kissing. Then snogging, then hovering in a delicious wordless debate before deciding to sit back down, “for now,” Lavender added, and Stephen’s eyes widened in delight. Spin, shots, spin. Michael and Luna snogging, her wrenching her face up in thought before saying, “Seamus has better lips, I think, but Michael’s tongue is nicer.”
“You didn’t give me tongue,” Seamus scoffed to Michael.
“You gotta earn that, boyo.”
Spin: The bottle pointing from Anthony’s hand to Hannah, and the entire room held the same breath they did when it was her and Parvati…but different. Before, it was a dare. A thrill. This--this was a possibility, the promise of something good in a year that seemed to promise very little of that.
They both moved up to their knees. Shifted closer. And closer again. Then Anthony reached for her, his fingers combing into her hair, pulling her head towards him. All of the alcohol she had already had her brain spinning, but the moment his lips met hers, the entire universe she knew flipped upside down. Never had a boy been open about liking her, wanting her, choosing her. Never had a boy kissed her in front of others--they had pulled her into the privacy of the kitchen, the service hallways at the Leaky, the stockrooms, their flats. Never had this happened, and here was Anthony, holding her in the center of a circle of not just friends but her fellows , her comrades in arms, the ones who were making this year make even a bit of sense. She heard the hoots and whistles as Anthony’s tongue slipped into her mouth, as she pulled at the front of his robes, as they broke apart and gulped at the air, staring at each other for a moment more before sweeping in for another snog.
“We did it!” Parvati practically sang, and Hannah broke away from Anthony to giggle, watching her and Lavender hug each other in glee.
“We’re the ones who told her that he liked her!” Padma protested, giving her sister a push from the other side.
“Hey! I’m the one who kissed her!” Anthony grinned at Hannah, tugging at the ends of her loose hair. “You…up for doing two shots?”
“Yes,” she said, so fast that she didn’t realize the word was out of her mouth.
And within minutes, as they stumbled and bumbled out of the portrait of the Fat Lady, snatching kisses as they tried to walk, he had her pressed against some shadowed stone wall, kissing her neck, moving his hand around the front of her blouse, her heart thundered against her ribcage in a wonderful way, so hard she was sure he could feel it in his own skin.
“You’re so pretty,” he whispered, his kisses moving to her neck, making her grasp at him with hungry hands. “I’ve thought that for, like, ever.”
For a moment, Hannah held her breath. Her brain raced back in time, picturing a happy green patch of glass and the stars above. “Really?”
“Oh, yeah. Since the second I saw you on the Hogwarts Express last month. I was like, sodding hell, Hannah’s so fit.” He smiled at her, and it felt so sweet, she could almost let slip the sting--that forever was six, seven weeks.
That forever was since I knew you were thin.
“And now you’re here with me,” he finished, coming in to kiss her again, and she told herself that his kisses were still perfect. His kisses were still a dream. His kisses were still everything.
Even though, clearly, she was not. Unless she was like this. Exactly like this--this was how she was good.
///1998.
“You got it, P?” Anthony asked, but Padma was already moving her wand over the span of the prefect bathroom door, not just changing the weekly password but conjuring three unyielding wooden wedges that would prevent anyone from opening the door without blasting their way through. Anthony added a few extra silencing charms and even a ward to repel any other prefects from wanting to use the room, one that he and Hannah cast when they snuck in here together.
Padma finished and then began to strip down to her swimsuit, handing her clothes to her boyfriend, Hassan Shafiq--a sixth year in her house who, while only being a D.A. ally, his half-status was not due to his level of dedication but more because he was an artist who was utter rubbish at Defense and Charms and Transfigurations and Potions and-- well . He sure was remarkable with sculptures, at least? And who amongst them would deny her bringing along her very fit boytoy for a night of fun?
Didn’t they deserve fun? Didn’t they deserve to remember what fun looked like?
Ernie was filling the giant pool-like tub with hot water, making the stained glass mermaid in the window steam up, the early March snowstorm raging behind her looking like a special kind of glitter.
“Luna would love this,” Hannah heard Ginny whisper to Neville, and she heard the way his breath caught deep in his throat, thick and heavy and wistful, as he smiled back and nodded.
“What bubble bath scent should we choose?” Ernie asked, pulling off his school robes to reveal his bathrobe--and pulling that off to leave his small bony body clad only in a pair of nearly-too-large swim trunks in his family’s tartan plaid.
“There are seven million taps, mate, why exactly do we need to pick only one?” Seamus laughed, haphazardly tossing aside his clothes and jumping into the giant pool of a tub with what Hannah suspected was just a pair of boxer shorts.
Susan, clad in a demure navy bikini, dipped a single foot into the tub before stepping in. “Well, we don’t want to pick scents that end up smelling like straight shite, do we?”
“It’s a bit like Bertie’s Every Flavour Beans that way, innit?” Nina Kanakaredis, Hannah’s roommate, grinned, floating her way beside Seamus, staring at him like his body held some special kind of magic. Within a blink, his arms were around her, their mouths were open against each other, and they were starting to meld in a way that foretold that they’d forget about the world.
Ginny splashed at them. “Oi! Keep it together, mates!” She looked over at Hannah and Susan in a bewildered annoyance. “Is it so bloody hard for them to keep it in their pants?”
“Apparently,” Terry snorted, plopping into the water, Lavender and Stephen and their immediately entangled limbs close behind. “Cash incentives would help, Gin. In fact? You want me to lad mag less? I’ll take a little currency encouragement, too.”
“I am not breaking into my meager savings to bribe you to be a better human, Boot!”
“Oh, Gin, there’s no amount of money that would make that happen,” Padma said with a snort, floating her way to the bubble bath taps. “I’m picking rose and honeysuckle, lads, let’s do this.”
“Lovely picks,” Hannah nodded, sitting on the edge in her t-shirt, cheeks flushing as Anthony’s hands stroked at her calves.
“Come in,” he urged.
“I want to wait until the bubbles build up,” Hannah told him, earning an eye roll in return. She glanced behind her to the last person standing awkwardly in the great tiled expanse of the bathroom. “Nev?” Hannah patted the patch of ledge beside her. “Are you…?” She wasn’t sure what she was asking: Are you coming?
Are you okay?
He paused, awkwardly rolling up his trousers to where they got too tight to go higher, right around his knee. Then Neville clumsily made his way up the steps to the tub, moving over and with and around Hannah in an awkward ballet, the two of them making room for him beside her. His body was pressed against hers; he smelled like…rosemary, maybe, and soil and nervous sweat. The combination of which made Hannah want to wrap her arms around him, assure him he was doing great, kiss him on the cheek--
(Why exactly did she want to do that?)
“For fuck’s sake, Han…” Anthony was tugging at her legs, trying to pull her down. The way he was looking at her--like he both wanted to shag her at that very moment but also slap her for being so bloody dumb--left her spinning.
And yet: Her eyes found Neville. He looked so sweet, so forlorn, there on the tub’s edge, dangling in his meaty legs, his whole body concealed by a giant white flag of a t-shirt. She looked down and watched his big toes skim against the bottom of the seating ledge, drawing a series of stars against the tiles.
“Nev?” she whispered. “D’--d’you want company? I’ll sit with you the whole time, if you like.”
“No, it’s okay.” He dropped his voice to be as quiet as he could. “I think Ant will hex me if I keep you from joining him.”
“Oh, he can manage. It’s not like we don’t come in here alone.”
He hesitated. “Can I ask…why aren’t you--you know…”
She squirmed her shoulders in a shrug. “I…know I look now like…” She trailed off, head drooping as she began to pick at her cuticles. “Just because your body looks a certain way doesn’t mean it feels--that you feel that way about it, too.” She snuck a look at him; his eyes were so gentle, she was able to add, “It’s like--I lost the weight but not the way I--I feel about myself. People treat me differently, but it actually--makes it weirder and worse inside somehow.”
Neville’s eyes traveled towards Parvati. Hannah looked, too; Parvati was looking back in a way that made Hannah realize that actually, maybe Susan was right that Nev and Parv had...something. Maybe not as formal or defined like her and Anthony or Susan and Justin, but something. That Neville had likely gotten that first kiss he was waiting for--and likely many more, all private, all hidden, all theirs alone.
“I get that,” he whispered back, watching Parvati for a second more. “I really, really do. About that. You think…everything will be different since somebody sees me as different, and--no, that’s not true at all. I guess…” He swallowed, staring up at the mermaid, watching her play with her hair as she eyed Michael. “Professor Sprout tells me that if you can’t sit square within yourself, other people’s opinions will keep you off balance your whole life. And it’s hard to keep moving forward if you’re constantly trying to find your own footing. I asked her how you do that, and she said, ‘Well, that’s the work, isn’t it, Neville?’” He grinned despite himself. “I told Lune and Ginny that I should put it in my day planner, for my daily to-dos. You know: Water my plants in the morning. Do my homework. Undermine the Carrows. Work on my self-esteem. Water my plants in the evening.”
Hannah giggled. “If you do, I’ll do it, too. Actually, that sounds exactly like my to-do list, have you been copying me?”
“Well…” The two jumped slightly as Susan let out a squeal as Terry tossed a handful of bubbles at her. Neville gestured at the group in the water, his voice rising in volume. “You should get in. Really. I’m being all weird, you don’t need to be weird with me.”
She bumped against him, grinning a bit easier. “You’re my captain, Nev. I go where you go.”
“But--I don’t--”
Hannah took him in for a moment more, his pain, that oversized shirt hiding his whole shape of self, and reached for his hand; their fingers wove together better than a melody did with a harmony.
She hadn’t realized just how tight her hand could hold another until the moment her fingers slid in with Neville Longbottom’s.
“Haaaaannahhhh,” Ernie sang. He waved at her to come to him. “Sit with me.”
“Nev and I are playing lifeguard,” she declared, with a strength that felt foreign on her tongue.
“Oh, come on , Hannah,” Anthony groaned, tugging on her leg.
“The bubbles will come up to your chin,” Padma said. “We won’t be able to see anything! Neither of you need to feel self-conscious.”
“Well, at least Han doesn’t,” Seamus teased, getting the group to ripple in laughter, and Hannah felt an anger begin to ferment in her stomach. She opened her mouth to snap back, but she let out a loud gasp as Anthony seized her by the waist, picking her up and spinning so that she turned away from Neville, their hands breaking apart as her boyfriend plunged her into the water with him.
“Ant! I told you, I didn’t want to get in!” she shouted, wriggling against him, but his arms were bolting her to his body.
“Hey, Nev said it! He’s being weird, you didn’t need to be weird with him!” He kissed her; her lips stayed soft, not puckering in response to meet his. Anthony put his forehead against hers as he whispered, “You’re not like him. Not anymore.”
Hannah finally surrendered into Anthony’s arms, the defeat deflating her desire to get free. (Besides, why would she want to get out of her boyfriend’s arms? Why wouldn’t she be thrilled he wanted to touch her so much? Why--)
Still, she flexed her now-empty hand, looking back at Neville. “Yes. I still am.”
///2018.
The Gryffindor Head of House flat was almost obscene in its spaciousness, its light, its possibilities. Six years ago, when they moved from the Leaky to the Hogwarts castle, they had been given a lovely residence that was technically in the basement but had windows and even a door that were at grounds level; quality-wise certainly befitting the Herbology department head, but cozy and homey and simple. This flat, spanning the whole turret astride Gryffindor Tower, with its intricately carved fireplace mantels in every room, a kitchen larger than the Leaky’s, and a marble tub that could bathe the whole thestral herd…it laughed at cozy and simple. It had no clue what those words even meant.
Hannah exhaled slowly as she levitated another box from the small remaining stack to come rest at her feet. She held her protruding belly as she leaned over to open it, using her wand like a knife; against her palm, she could feel the baby stirring, could almost picture it frowning in annoyance at being disturbed from his rest from his mummy’s constant bending and moving. Oh, well: not the last time he’d be bothered by his mother. She pulled out a stack of photo albums, her breath catching in excitement as she pulled out the first one and eagerly opened the leather cover.
And then the next--and the next, and and and--one for her first five years at Hogwarts and a sixth that combined her two incomplete sixths years, the one that was cut off far too short and the one that ended early in blood and battle. Her hand slowed on the pages as she stared at herself in those first weeks from 1996, that tiny slice of normal before her mother was killed. Look at her cuddling close to her best friends in the world, her mates in Hufflepuff, her fellow prefects, her beloved younger years in her house but also the other three. Hannah stared at how her younger self’s full moon face swallowed her features--but god, look at her smile.
On the opposite page, time leaped forward by a year: a picture of her and Susan and Ernie on the train. That face was now scraped down to the bone, that body whittled down to nearly nothing by the terrible, powerful erosion of grief.
She felt suspended in the oddest place, between trying to recall the actual experience versus staring at herself.
Hannah, With and Without.
Hannah, Large and Small.
Hannah, Hidden and Seen.
Hannah, hating herself no matter her size.
“Where’s Mummy? Ohhhh, we’re coming for Mummy!” The sounds, Large and Small, father and son, their shoes echoing against the circular stone stairway as Neville and their son made their way downstairs. “We are coming for Mummy in triumph! We have a crib, we have a rocker, we have a window box full of fanged geraniums, we are ready for baby brother Heath!”
“Brudder! Brudder Hee!” a tiny voice rang out, the sweetest little bell of a sound, and Hannah lifted her head up with a smile.
“We are! We are so ready for your brother! Who might be named Heath but I thought we had maybe decided on Rian,” Hannah called back, moving the album to the side in anticipation of that little body of love that would rush at her once he had his mummy in sight.
“Florian feels too posh today, we’re testing out Heath again. Oh--no, buddy boy, don’t try to jump--”
Hannah watched the staircase for Neville and their son to appear--and when they did, she smiled even wider at how the toddler had his chubby fists wrapped around Neville’s index fingers, coming down the last few stairs with his father’s considerable assistance. She broke into a wide smile at the sight of them. “Look at my lion men!”
Leo came racing at her on his little legs, though he slowed at the last moment so he wouldn’t crash into her stomach, giving it a careful, caring pat with his palm before wrapping his arms around Hannah’s belly, then offering his arms to her to be picked up for her to hold him. She did that, smothering the grunt as best as she could as she heaved him up, kissing his cheeks in a rapid fire of gentle smacks, delighting in his shrieking giggles and the way they still sounded more baby than boy. It didn’t matter that there was another baby due any day, that there were plans for at least two, likely three babies more: she wanted to taffy-pull every second of Leo as her littlest, her baby , stretch every moment as long as she could before time performed its own magic where, in the span of a blink, he’d be grown. And she’d be just like Harry, who sat with a too-full glass of firewhiskey as he scowled over how Teddy had the audacity to graduate Hogwarts this upcoming year.
She glanced at the album as she held her little Leo tighter. She felt the raised embroidery of his monogrammed initials--LFL--on the pocket of his little polo shirt. All of his clothes were so little, his roly-poly body almost toy sized in its smallness. But he wouldn’t be small forever: When he was grown, the child of two people with the bodies that they fed into their children’s genes, would he struggle, too?
Neville peered at her for a moment, petting their dog. He gestured to the golden retriever, getting Mimby to move to a sit. “Hey, buddy? Do you think you could take Mimby and show him the toy lorry that Uncle Michael got you? I think he’d love that, for you to show him how well you can push it around.”
Leo let go of his mother, wiggling his way back to the floor, and calling out to the dog to follow him towards his playroom (because there was so much space, they could have a playroom…good god, if this was the Head of House flat, what luxury awaited them when he became Headmaster someday!). As the boy’s steps retreated and grew quieter, Neville came over to her, picking up the album.
“You had a little odd expression…was it…?” He stared at the open pages, looking a bit surprised. “Oh. I--I guess I was expecting to see a photo of Lavender or Colin or something.”
“No. Or--yeah, I did, but that’s not…” She sighed out, touching that photo from the train. “I haven’t had that body in a long while. I gained a bit during my O.W.L. studies…and then during my N.E.W.T.s--healer training is when I really put it on. But--I remember being so happy then, I was doing exactly what I wanted, finally, I felt so good inside, I…I had you telling me that I was beautiful and I almost felt that way, for the first time.”
“You don’t anymore?” Neville asked, putting the album down on the coffee table and reaching for her hand.
Hannah put her other hand on her belly; she could feel the heat from Heath-Rian-Maybe Ash-Oh, Just Insert Floral or Plant Name Here. She loved being pregnant, she did, it’s why she was almost more eager than him to do this so many times. But--
“It’s different when I’m pregnant, but…I mean, I didn’t lose all of my Leo weight. I bet I won’t lose this one’s either--and when I have the twins--”
“I still don’t think you can assume you can just have twins, Hannie, I don’t think Luna’s potion worked, more than it was just a coincidence--”
“Luna begs to differ, and so does your godson and his brother, and so do their future twin best friends, thank you very much. Please start preparing to eat crow now. ”
He held up his other hand in defeat. “Okay, fair, I should know better by now to count Luna and you out in making the most extraordinary things happen.”
“Exactly.” Hannah sighed, looking down at the album, at those last photos from her first sixth year. “I think, at the end of it…I’ll be back where I was. She’s in me, still. She’ll be back.”
Neville squeezed her hand. “Why can’t she be beautiful? Why can’t she feel beautiful?”
“You think she’s beautiful?”
He smiled down at it, that golden way he gazed at her. “Oh, yeah . Look at that smile.”
“But--the body--”
He looked up, letting go of her hand and wrapping his arms around her. “That body looks like it would be so warm to cuddle. That would give me hugs that felt as soft as your heart. That gives me even more inches of you to touch. All I ever want is you--why wouldn’t more Hannah Leigh be something I’d love?” He shrugged. “I dunno, though, thinking about your body specifically? It’s…I dunno. It’s so hard to separate that out from you . Skinnier, heavier--I don’t really…care, I guess?” Neville let out a soft huff of a laugh. “I hated how everybody’s first impression of me was always how I looked. Dumpy, lumpy Roundbottom. All I wanted to be was seen as just me.” He kissed her. “Gin says that makes me unobservant, but I think…it means I figured out how to sit right in myself, you know?”
Hannah breathed out, breathed him in, the earthy scent of the most solid man she knew. “Yeah.” She brushed a kiss back on his lips. “You know…Meg and Frannie told me, way back in the spring of fifth year, that I should fancy you, have you be my boyfriend.”
“What!”
“Yeah…and then Susan told me to not spend my time on boys and instead focus on my O.W.L.s. That…didn’t end up being any better of a strategy for my happiness, though.”
“So, you’re saying we could have been dating since we were fifteen?” Neville blinked at her. “Hold on, I need to go to my office and get Flora, I need her to fly a letter to Hermione.”
“Wait, what? Why?”
“Remember how Hermione got a bit into her cups the other week and said the Unspeakables had rebuilt a Time Turner?” He moved to stand up. “I need to get that from her and go back in time and tell Susan to sod off.”
Hannah burst into laughter, tugging him back down and taking him in her arms, resting her forehead against his. Staring into his eyes, which, as it turned out, were the most perfect patch of bright and lovely green. Exactly what spring and summer felt like, right there, in a boy.