Graham Isaac

It’s funny what can happen in six months. How one’s life can be ruined and repaired and ruined all over again.

Betrayal was an awful thing, made worse by the fact that only the ones you care about can betray you. And Sirius had betrayed him.

It had taken weeks for Remus to even gather the courage to look at him, but he had, eventually. It began with eye contact and ended with Sirius asking if they could talk. Remus was a weak person, he knew that even before he agreed.

And now here he was, sitting in his bed, the curtains freshly closed, having just forgiven Sirius. Verbally at least.

Sirius Black wasn’t stupid, he knew that all was not forgiven, but he still felt full with joy at being partially exonerated. Remus Lupin only felt empty.

That emptiness remained within him for a long time.

***

“So, I was thinking about the upcoming Hogsmeade weekend.” James was very obviously relieved that the conflict was somewhat ended. He may have sided with Remus during the whole thing but James Potter without Sirius Black at his side was like fire without a spark. They thrived in each other’s presence and radiated light while in each other’s orbit.

“That’s another month away!” Peter exclaimed, not looking the least put out by that fact.

“Never mind that!” James continued, enthused “we’ve got to go back to Zonko’s to stock up! We’re running dangerously low on supplies for ‘the most infamous mischief makers at Hogwarts’.” Remus only shook his head, reservedly amused.

“You're completely right.” Sirius said predictably, though without his usual vigour. He was still rightfully a bit more restrained than usual and kept sending nervous glances at Remus, as if the other boy would turn him away if he said the wrong thing. He wouldn’t, despite how much he might have wanted too. It was better this way; that thought had been echoing through his mind for days. It hurt all of them to be apart, though Remus hadn’t realised at the time that it could hurt more to be together. Still, he wouldn’t, couldn’t, take it back. It had been his decision to forgive the dark haired boy and it would only hurt them all more to rescind such an action. “We can’t leave all our fans waiting!”

That made James chuckle, “exactly! Now, Zonko’s is obviously on the list, and we’ll have to go to Honeydukes-”

“Because we don’t go there nearly enough,” Peter murmured receiving mischievous grins from the others.

“- and to see Rosmerta of course, and I’m sure Moony is only too eager to go to Tomes and Scrolls.” He continued quickly looking over to said friend only to find a thoughtful look on his face.

“Actually, I might skip the trip this time around.” He didn’t really want to spend more time with Sirius than he had to and the other Marauders would probably have a better time without him anyway. He could already see the argument on James’s tongue so he got up quickly from the table, all too aware of the ache in his hip, and made to leave “I’ve got to return a book to the library. See you all later.” He smiled wanly as he left, purposefully not glancing at Sirius.

He didn’t end up going to the library; half because he didn’t actually have a book to return and half because if the others did come looking he didn’t want to be found. Instead he located a large window ledge in an empty corridor and sat down to stare at the view.

His first thoughts were of Sirius, because of course they were. Thoughts of love and betrayal, because Remus had realised that he had loved Sirius, and not in the platonic “I love you like a brother” way. He had been in love with Sirius. Had noticed the curves of his shoulders as he stretched, the way he pulled his hair back when it fell into his face, the way his lips pursed before he was about to start an argument. He had noticed the paleness of his stomach when his shirt rode up and the flush of his cheeks after they’d stopped running from Filch. He had been in love with everything about Sirius, knew a part of him always would love him, however hard he tried to tuck those feeling away.

But Sirius wasn’t the only person he had ever been attracted to (even if he was the only one Remus had actually ever been in love with). He had admired the way Julie Moore, the Ravenclaw chaser, looked when she took off from the ground; had caught himself watching long, slender fingers that belonged to a Slytherin sixth year called Jeremy flipping through the pages of a novel when he was supposed to be studying; had had to stop himself from reacting when Graham Isaac, the now seventh year Hufflepuff he’d had a crush on all of his fourth year, had helped him reach a book that was just out of his reach and them smiled at him warmly.

Remus hadn’t noticed the sun setting, but got up to go back to Gryffindor tower when he realised he was staring into darkness. His walk was slow, a part of him knew that it was past curfew and that his friends would probably be worried, but he couldn’t shake the apprehension he had in having to interact with them (with him). He dragged his feet as he travelled through corridors, only to come to a sudden stop when turning a corner to find Graham and his patrol partner Wendy staring back at him.

“Remus?” Graham was the first to speak, the golden flecks in his brown hair catching in the candlelight.

“Yeah, um,” Remus tried to search for a decent excuse and was coming up empty. “So, you see… I was… I had to…”

Graham turned to his partner smiling kindly, “Wendy why don’t you head to bed, our shifts almost over and I know you're tired, I’ll deal with this.”

“Sounds good to me.” The girl was obviously eager to get some rest and her shoulders slumped in exhaustion as she turned to leave.

The older boy watched her go and then turned back to look at Remus. “Do I have to worry about your companions running around the corner next or was this a solitary outing?” He asked, a gentle grin tugging at his lips.

Remus supposed that was fair. “Solitary.” He answered shortly.

“And would you tell me if it wasn’t?” He asked, his smile teasing. Remus found it infectious and was reminded just why he had had a crush on the other boy in the first place.

He was smiling when he replied, “no, probably not. I’m not lying today though.”

“Loyal,” he breathed before turning and gesturing for Remus follow. “Come on, I'll walk you back to your common room.”

“What no punishment for being out after curfew?” Remus asked surprised.

“No, not this time.” He laughed, before a strange look flashed across his face momentarily and then disappearing to return to his signature kind smile.

That smile was the thing that had attracted Remus to him in the first place. It was big and bright and unapologetic. It lit up his face and made his eyes sparkle. What’s more, it never seemed to be absent for long, almost engrained on his face. Remus assumed that must be why he never seemed to be alone. His smile was basically a beacon of “I'm kind, feel free to talk to me”. And people did. And then they’d come back because he was nice and honest and made then feel comfortable. He would help clear up messes and always had a kind word to say. Everybody loved him, because how could you hate him? He was a beater on the Hufflepuff quidditch team and certainly not a pushover but always accepted a loss or a win graciously and was so sincere in apologising when things got out of hand on the pitch. He was intelligent too, academically and socially, but was never cocky or derogatory of anyone else.

Handsome, clever, kind, generous, good.

Graham Isaac was everything Remus Lupin would and could never be.

He was just so good. And more than one part of Remus wondered how he could do it so easily. Remus wanted to be good so badly but he wasn’t. He was a werewolf. He was evil. And even on the nights where the moon didn’t sit full in the sky he was a monster. He’d lose his temper, he’d lash out, he’d be mean and cruel.

He wondered how Graham could even stand to be in his presence. Sure, Graham didn’t know he was a monster, hadn’t really seen him lash out. But he was sure that when a person was that good they must be able to sense when someone else was that bad. But there it was again, Graham was probably good enough to see bad and just accept it.
Remus felt guilty for his crush on the other boy. How could a monster ever have any fragment of a dream of being with such an angel?

They’d made quiet conversation while walking about books and friends, and said goodbye at the entrance of the Gryffindor common room.

“I’ll see you soon,” Graham smiled, before winking and starting back down the corridor. Remus stared after him for an embarrassing amount of time, questioning if that had really just happened. Had Graham winked at him? Graham? Winking? At Remus? Surely he imagined it, Graham couldn’t have winked at him. It was impossible, but apparently not impossible, because it had just happened. Remus’s first reaction after the shock had died down was to smile: Graham had winked at him! Not only that but they had had a full conversation! This was amazing! He felt flushed just with the thought of it! What if Graham liked him? Would he want to hang out sometime?

Then, he felt a wave of revulsion. Not at Graham of course but at himself. Because he was a werewolf, and werewolves shouldn’t even think about such relationships. They were evil and monsters. Remus was evil and a monster. And who would ever want a monster? Even if Graham did like him, which was questionable in the first place, the moment he found out about Remus’s lycanthropy he’d be revolted.

***

It had been three days since Remus had lost track of time in the abandoned corridor. Three days since he’d been caught by Graham and Wendy. Three days since Graham had walked him back to Gryffindor Tower. And three days since Graham had winked at him.

He couldn’t stop thinking about it, about him. A fact made exceedingly worse by Graham seemingly making excuses to come over to talk to him or to touch him gently in some way; the graze of a hand against Remus’s own, an offer of help with work he’d already done, fingers brushing away the fringe that fell into Remus’s eyes. And Remus brushed aside the feeling of disgust he felt for himself because he just wanted this to last. He wanted what he knew he couldn’t have. He wanted Graham and he cursed his lycanthropy because he had certainly never wanted that.

He was sitting with Lily and Sirius in the library when Graham made his daily visit. Lily was helping Remus with his potions essay in exchange for support in mastering the latest spell they had to learn for DADA and Sirius was bored, tapping rhythms on the table, only there because James and Peter had detention without him for once and he had nothing better to do. Because of this he was the first to notice Graham’s approach.

“Isaac!” He shouted, causing Remus to startle and look up at the approaching Hufflepuff. “You ready to lose in the match next weekend?” he asked teasingly.

Graham laughed jovially, “I don’t know Black, you're on the team this year, it’ll probably give us an easy win!”

Sirius only grinned at the light-hearted jab. “So, did you want something?” he asked easily.

The older boy turned to Remus, who hadn’t realised he had been staring until he made eye contact, a light blush already tinging the younger boy’s cheeks. “Remus,” Graham started softly, a gentle smile playing on his lips, “I got you that book I mentioned the other night, had Mum owl it to me. I’m sure it’ll take you a while to get around to it what with that extensive to-be-read list, but I’d love to know what you think.”

“Th- Thanks,” Remus replied, his blush deepening at the stutter in his voice. “I’m sure I’ll love it.”

Graham only grinned while their hands brushed as he handed the book over, sending a bubbly feeling into Remus’s stomach. Then, nodding his head at both Lily and Sirius in goodbye, he turned and walked away.

Remus only looked at him for a second, aware of how embarrassed he felt after gawking at the older boy the other night, before turning his head down to try and concentrate on the potions essay again. Only, the rhythmic tapping hadn’t continued, nor had a second quill began scraping against the page next to his own.

He glanced up to find both of his friends looking at him, but while lily’s gaze could be classified as gawking Sirius's fell more into the realm of suspicious.

Lily’s expression settled into a smirk as she asked “What was that about?”

“What do you mean?” He asked innocently, because the situation was completely innocent. Graham was simply being nice. Remus had shown an interest in books and Graham was just being nice, because that was how he was.

“Oh, come on, Remus!” Lily whined.

“Yeah come on, Moony.” Sirius’s voice sounded a bit sharp for some reason Remus couldn’t figure out, so he sent him a confused glance before turning back to lily.

“I don’t know what you want me to say?” He asked finally.

“I got you that book I mentioned Remus. I’d love to know what you think Remus” Lily was grinning wickedly, her voice going deeper in an awful imitation of Graham’s voice. “Oh, come on! Not to mention the other night?”

Remus could only smile shyly at her excitement.

“Please tell me something happened!” She asked eagerly.

“Something happened? What does that even mean? He caught me past curfew the other night and sent me back to the common room!” Remus exclaimed.

Lily looked no less put out. “Oh yes, because when we catch kids out after curfew we discuss our favourite books with them and tell them I’d love to know what you think Remus.”

“Would you stop with that!” he complained.

“I don’t remember you getting a detention recently either.” Sirius added, though there was a defined v between his scowling brows.

“And he didn’t give you detention either?” Lily truly looked like the cat that got the cream.

“He was just being nice.” Remus insisted. “With the book and the lack of detention.”

“Oh yeah, sure. Nice and fit and giving you come hither eyes.” Lily replied sarcastically, although thankfully she seemed to have dropped the subject for now in favour of continuing with homework. Though the smirk on her lips said that this topic would be brought up again.

Remus glanced up to Sirius to check his expression, only to find him gazing into the distance with a contemplative look on his face. Though more startling than that was the fact that he appeared completely still, without even a subtle bob of his leg.

***

It was dinner time and apparently Remus’s new friendship (because that was all it was) was a hot topic of discussion amongst his friends. The boys and girls of Gryffindor fifth year were just settling in to wait for food to appear when the ‘news’ broke.

“So, Remus,” Marlene began, smiling sardonically, “how’s the new boyfriend?”

Remus snapped his head to Lily as James eagerly asked “boyfriend?”

“He was literally just being nice!” Remus complained.

“Who?” James asked just as keen as before. “Who is it? You’ve got to tell me.”

“Graham Isaac” Mary said smirking.

“The Hufflepuff beater?”

“Of course, the first thing you pick up on his quidditch position.” Lily replied rolling her eyes.

“Actually, I technically stated that he was a Hufflepuff before I said anything about him being a beater!” James insisted.

“Yeah and that’s only because that’s how the English language works you dimwit, you wouldn’t say the beater Hufflepuff would you?” Lily said dryly.

“Beat a Hufflepuff! That’s not very nice Evans! What did a Hufflepuff ever do to you?” James exclaimed.

Lily huffed loudly and was clearly about to retaliate but Mary got in first.

“As cute as all this flirting is, I personally want to hear about another example of flirting.”

“It wasn’t flirting!” Remus maintained.

“And who said I was talking about you?” Mary replied cheekily.

“For the love of god.” Remus breathed, before once again getting up to run away from his problems.

***
It was the day of the of the Gryffindor-Hufflepuff test match*, just over a week after the library incident, and Graham had continued his almost daily visits to Remus’s side. Remus had felt flustered and blushed every time which didn’t help with the teasing he was getting from his friends. He was looking forward to the match somewhat today, which was generally odd behaviour for him, but as good as Graham looked every day, Graham in quidditch gear was… nice.

His newfound interest in quidditch lasted all of about 20 minutes, before Graham chased a bludger to the other side of the pitch and became just out of gawking range. Luckily Remus had had the hindsight to bring a book and only looked up when the cheering students surrounding him reached new levels of ear-piercing. The Gryffindor seeker had the snitch in her hand, signalling the end of the game.

He found out later that it had been a close match, with James scoring the majority of Gryffindor’s goals (shocker there) but the Hufflepuffs keeping up well. The relationship between the two houses was friendly enough that they all gathered in the Gryffindor common room for a raging party with a select group of Ravenclaws and Slytherins thrown in. It was in full spirit by the time Remus had dumped his bag in their room and collapsed on a sofa with Lily at his side. The two mostly just talked quietly to each other during these things with others coming around here and there. It wasn’t too far into the night that Remus’s gaze went across the room and landed on a pair of deep chocolate brown.

Graham’s smile brightened as they made eye contact and winked at him, causing Remus to blush for what felt like the hundredth time that week. Graham inclined his head in the direction of the stairway in a clear invitation to which Remus nodded.

He got up, telling Lily and Mary (who had been the latest person to join their conversation, albeit rather drunkedly) that he’d be right back, before following Graham’s retreating figure up into the stairwell. Once they’d taken two or three spins around the spiral Graham stopped and turned toward Remus who was just catching up.

There was no preamble before the older boy’s mouth was on his and he way being pressed against the wall. He let out a shocked gasp that Graham seemed to inhale, before using it to slip his tongue into Remus’s mouth. It was Remus’s first kiss and he had no complaints at the current time.

It was a minute before Remus’s brain caught up with his body and he pushed Graham away gently.

“Graham,” he tried as the other boy tried to re-join their lips. “Graham,” he tried again, “I don’t think you want to do this.” The older boy changed tactics, latching onto his neck instead and sucking bruising kisses into his skin. It made Remus feel light headed. “You don’t- you- you- you don’t know things about me. You wouldn’t want to- do- do this if you did.”

“Why?” Graham asked between kisses, finding his way back to Remus’s mouth. “Because you're a werewolf?” His whole bodied stilled, he knew? How could he know? This was bad, it could only ever be bad. “Oh, don’t worry darling,” Graham whispered where his mouth was now side by side with Remus’s ear. “No one else knows.” He kisses his jaw. “Only me.” He sucks a bruising mark below his right ear. “And I don’t seem to mind, do I?”

Graham’s mouth found Remus’s once again, and he knew it was stupid and dangerous, he knew, but Remus kissed him back because it felt good and Graham was so, so good.

“Answer me.” Graham murmured into his mouth, demanding an answer to his question.

“No.” Remus replied, breathlessly.

They remained like that for several more minutes before Graham pulled away. Remus couldn’t help but lick his lips wanting to memorise the taste of the other boys mouth and Graham smiled that signature kind smile at the gesture before swiping a finger over Remus’s lips to dry them slightly and running hand through Remus’s curls presumably to make them tidier.

“How do you feel?” He asked softly, their bodies were still close. Graham towered over Remus, lifting his chin to make sure that their gazes were joined.

“Amazing,” Remus breathed, still trying to catch his breath, as he stared at Graham with big eyes, his teeth biting gently on his lower lip.

Graham gave him a final gentle peck and then straightened both their robes a little before taking Remus’s hand in his own tightly and leading him back towards the common room. Remus’s mind was still in freefall and he could hardly focus on anything other than curve of Graham’s lips. The older boy found a different sofa to the one Remus had previously occupied surrounded by a few of his closer friends. He sat down and Remus went to join him but instead was pulled to sit in the older boy’s lap. He’d hardly let out a gasp of surprise before immediately being snogged. Remus thought he heard a couple of cheers which only served to raise his anxiety a little at the thought of being watched. Graham’s kiss let no room for arguments though and Remus soon forgot exactly even the simplest of things like where he was and what his name was, never mind the fear of others eyes on him.