Regulus knew very well what was expected of him in his first year at Hogwarts. After all, he'd been taught to memorize his entire family tree and beliefs by age six, and he'd been there when Maman had gotten the letter about Sirius' sorting. Every gas lamp and vase in the room burst with each sentence she read, the parchment smoking in her hands as her anger rose, the corners blackening and curling in until all that was left was a pile of ash. Regulus did exactly as Sirius had told him to, he got out of the way before Maman could remember he was in the room in the first place. Regulus went right to his big brother's bedroom, where he felt safest, and curled up on the floor of the closet, pressing his little body into the back, breathing in his brother's scent through the clothes he left behind as Maman screamed below.
For weeks, Regulus was a target for her rage, seeing as Sirius was far away in Scotland. If his teacup rattled against the saucer too loudly, he got a stinging jinx to the hand, if he wandered around the house too early or too late at night, he got hexed in the legs, if he spoke too loudly, he was silenced. And when Sirius came home from Hogwarts for Christmas.. well, Regulus still had nightmares about it. All that to say, Regulus had no illusions about what house he would be joining in his first year.
Sirius had bet that he'd be in Ravenclaw if he had a choice, Maman didn't like her children to be loud, so Regulus learned to find other beautiful worlds in books, other families that loved each other, and friends that went on fantastic quests and died for each other. Regulus did well in school, he loved to learn and especially loved to know things that Sirius didn't, which was rare because his brother was four years older and there was very little Sirius didn't seem to know at his big age. Sirius always called him a know-it-all, or a swot for it, but he always seemed proud when he did, which made Regulus' belly warm. Regulus quietly agreed that he may be in Ravenclaw too, if he wasn't a Black, if he was just a normal eleven-year-old boy, but he discarded the thought quickly before it could make him sad.
Tomorrow morning, Regulus would be on the Hogwarts Express, riding farther away from his parents than he had ever been, for the longest than he had ever been, leaving the dark walls of Grimmauld behind for the rolling hills of Scotland. The day Sirius had been telling him about for years was finally almost here, and he could hardly contain the excitement and anxiety for the world of endless possibilities that lay outside of his childhood home. He slipped out of his room the second he heard his parents go to bed, socked feet stepping only on the floorboards he knew wouldn't creak, creeping on his tiptoes and easing Sirius' door open slowly. Sirius, clearly expecting him, threw open his covers and slid to make room on his bed for Regulus, who gave him a sheepish grin before slipping into the room.
"By all means, make yourself comfortable," Sirius grumbled as Regulus scrambled onto his bed, wiggling right into his side instead of the space Sirius made for him. "You can only stay till six, you know that."
Regulus nodded against his shoulder, tucking cold hands into his brother's arm, "Tell me what happens again."
"I have a thousand times already, they're not going to suddenly change how the first day goes." Sirius sighed, folding quickly when Regulus glared at him, "We'll get on the train from King's Cross, I'll introduce you to my friends, then when we get off in Scotland, you'll go with Hagrid and the other first years to the dock and take the boats up to Hogwarts. He'll lead you to the Great Hall where the sorting hat will put everyone in their houses and we'll eat a delicious dinner while Dumbledore gives a speech. Then, you follow the Slytherin Prefect to your house and they'll tell you the rest."
"Do you think I'll make any friends in Slytherin?" Regulus asked, stomach squirming at the thought. He wasn't sure he knew how to make friends, his cousins were all older and the only other children he saw around his age were the ones in the Sacred 28, whom he hardly had a connection to. Kreacher was his friend, but like Sirius, he didn't have much choice, so Regulus really wasn't sure what he was meant to do with strangers.
Sirius grimaced, "I'm sure you will, Slytherins are.." He trailed off as he tried to think of a nice term for the snakes. Truthfully, he worried they'd bully his soft, kind brother. He was sensitive, though he tried to hide it because he'd always been told it was a weakness. "Bella and Cissa will be there, so that's already two friends without even trying."
Regulus frowned, pulling away to look at him, "I want friends of my own, not yours or theirs.." A pause, then he asked again, bottom lip trapped between his teeth, "Do you think they'll like me in Slytherin?"
Sirius softened, tugging at one of his curls gently, "How could anyone not like you? You're the sweetest little shit that ever was, and you'll be the smartest Slytherin of them all, they'll all be falling at your feet to be your friend."
Regulus shoved him, the vulnerability fading, smacking Sirius once before settling back against his shoulder, "You're the least helpful brother there ever was."
"Aw, Reggie, you're so kind to me."
Regulus held tightly to Sirius' hand as they weaved through the crowds, his trunk bumping against his ankles painfully, and an uncomfortable perspiration on his forehead from the thick robes he was stuffed into. Sirius had given them a mere three minutes to say goodbye to their parents; although it was more of a warning than anything like the other kids at the platform seemed to be experiencing, no squeezes from glittery-eyed mothers or fatherly pats on the back, only a manicured hand straightening his robes and tsking at the state of his hair. Sirius hardly waited for Maman to finish speaking before dragging Regulus off with a crooked grin and a snarky, I'll try not to return him in red and gold, just to see that vein on her forehead bulge a little.
He wouldn't quite miss his house or his parents, but there was something to be said about what's familiar and comfortable, and stepping into a vast unknown, a new home nine months out of the year. He was grateful Sirius was there, but he wished they were in the same year, or at least closer in age so they'd have some of the same classes. Sirius reminded him several times that they'd be in the same castle, but it wasn't the same as being in the same house, five feet away in separate rooms, thirty-two steps away when he had the nightmares that gave him the shakes.
"Sirius, Merlin, slow down," Regulus complained, sure his ankles were going to be as blue as the berries he had for breakfast, grunting as he pulled his trunk over the gap between the train and the platform. "I want to still be able to walk by the end of the day."
"Then go faster, my soulmate is near, I can feel it in my heart," He said with a dreamy sigh, hand to his chest.
Regulus wrinkled his nose in disgust, "Remus?"
"No, James, of course."
Regulus rolled his eyes, not deigning to respond, peeking into the compartments as they passed them. He wondered which faces would wind up his friends, which he would grow to loathe or love, and which would become his new family like Sirius'. Regulus considered himself pretty smart, and he knew that Sirius' friends meant more to him than anything else, knew that they were his real, chosen family, he'd given up everything for them, even as their existence continued to get him in trouble at home. It stung, but he supposed your family wasn't supposed to hurt you, he wasn't quite sure what family was supposed to look like, but he had the sense his wasn't normal. Maman didn't hurt him, usually, she was quite amicable if he did everything she said perfectly and didn't get in the way when she had one of his rage fits. Regulus loved his family, but he couldn't help but want more, selfishly, the kind of love Sirius seemed to find in his friends.
"Boys!" Sirius boomed as he slammed the compartment door open with a brilliant grin.
"Sirius!" Peter and Remus returned cheerfully.
"Darling!" James cried, throwing himself at Sirius like he was a soldier returning from war, which wasn't an inaccurate response as they were returning from Grimmauld.
"Honeybear!" Sirius cried back, slapping his friend on the back.
James pulled away slightly, eyebrow quirked, "Honeybear is new."
Sirius shrugged, "Thought I'd try it. It's a no, then?"
"It's awful," Remus said, rolling his eyes when Sirius blew him a kiss.
"Oi, is that a baby Black I spot?" Peter added, glancing around the tied knot that was Sirius and James to the smaller, watchful boy in the doorway. Regulus' cheeks pinked as every boy turned to look at him and he offered a small, awkward wave in response.
"Hullo!" James said cheerfully, glasses crooked on his face.
Sirius shoved James onto the bench and stepped further into the compartment, "This, deerly beloved," Sirius winked at James, "Is my little brother, Regulus Arcturus Black."
"Merlin, his name is even poncier than yours," Peter commented with a snort.
"Yes, well, the Blacks have always been a frivolous sort," Sirius said, flopping down onto the bench next to Remus and pulling his brother into the seat by the window. "Could be worse though, we could be named Peter."
Remus kicked him in the ankle for the comment before turning to introduce himself to Regulus, a large scarred hand held out to him and a sharp smile as he introduced the boys as if Regulus hadn't spent five years hearing all about them. It had been immediately clear who was who, Peter with his blonde fringe in his eyes and rounded cheeks, James with his toothy grin and wire-rimmed glasses, and Remus with moon-silver scars and golden brown eyes. Regulus observed their dynamic most of the train ride, something tight in his chest as he saw the ease with which his brother interacted with his best friends, slumping in his seat comfortably, everything about him molten and relaxed where he would be sharpest at home. Regulus fielded their curious questions as best he could, a little stilted and awkward in his answers as he wasn't used to anyone taking interest in him.
When the train had finally pulled into the station, and it was time for Regulus to go with the first years, he felt the anxiety that had eased in their little compartment come back with vengeful force, looking up at his big brother with wide eyes. Further down the way, a large, bearlike man with a bushy beard was calling for the first years to follow him to the docks, his hands about as big as Regulus' head and his voice booming. Regulus grasped Sirius' hand, unwilling to move into the mass of writhing children dragging trunks behind them and yelling over each other.
"Sirius.."
Sirius gave his hand a quick squeeze, "It's just like I said last night, look, there's Hagrid there, he'll lead all the first years to the boats and into school. You'll be fine, I promise, be brave, Reggie."
Regulus shook his head, "I'm not brave, I'm not you."
"You're perfectly brave on your own, nothing to do with me. Go on, I'll see you in a few minutes." Sirius nudged him on, letting go of his hand and ruffling his hair. Regulus scowled, reaching up to put his hair back in place and towing his massive trunk behind him toward the other first years, glancing back at his brother and his friends only once before disappearing into the crowd of black-robed children.
Regulus had been around magic his entire life, and couldn't imagine what life without it would be like, but Hogwarts felt entirely other. The entire castle hummed with it, the high ceilings decorated with thousands of portraits that shouted greetings, the floating candles and night sky in the Great Hall stretching across the entire ceiling, the ghosts that trailed the students, bursting through windows and walls, joy etched into every stone. Grimmauld was covered in dark magic, cursed objects, frightening portraits, and elf heads hanging from the walls, the shadows sinister and lengthened, a heaviness that dampened the little light that peeked through the Victorian windows. Hogwarts was the exact opposite of home, none of that perpetual dark and heaviness seemed to be here, and Regulus instantly felt overwhelmed with all of it, eyes watering for no discernable reason, this soaring feeling in his chest expanding like the night sky above him, freedom and endless possibility.
He felt his knees wobble when McGonagall called his name for sorting, every eye in the massive hall burning into his back as he walked unsteadily through the parting crowd of first years to sit on the stool. He gripped the stool underneath him until his knuckles whitened, remembering to keep his back straight and chin high even as he searched anxiously for Sirius among the table of Gryffindors. His shoulders relaxed a little when his eyes met Sirius', his big brother giving him a nod and an encouraging smile, even if it seemed a bit sad at the edges. But before he could think more of it, McGonagall dropped the hat on his head, and a voice as old as time filled his thoughts, sifting through them easily.
"Another Black.. The eldest was a break in tradition, a rarity in one of the most ancient wizarding bloodlines. Let us see of the younger.. yes, I see ambition, a thirst for knowledge, and an eagerness to prove." The hat growled, a strange rumbling in his head. "Cunning, but not cruel or violent in nature. You wouldn't make a bad Ravenclaw, sure to make many friends like yourself."
Regulus scrunched his eyes shut, chanting inside his head, "It has to be Slytherin. Slytherin, only."
The hat hummed, sifting through his memories, flashes of memory behind his eyelids, stealing food from the dinner table to sneak to Sirius later and picking the lock on the cupboard to get it to him. Socked feet sneaking on wooden floorboards, giving Kreacher his last sweet, crying over the bird with a broken wing in his backyard, and proudly showing Sirius the perfect score he got on his test. Dropping a crystal cup in the sitting room and his brother taking the punishment for it, hiding in the closet, earning a small cut on his cheek for lying, stacks of Sirius' letters from Hogwarts hidden underneath his bed.
"There's bravery here too, strength and resilience, kindness. Some Slytherin qualities, sure, calculated rebellion, a desire to be known, a chameleon of conformity, but I sense a potential Gryffindor here as well. An enigma, Regulus Arcturus, a desert flower growing in the harshest conditions, still delicate, still soft. Slytherin wouldn't be wasted on you, but.."
"It's the only option. It has to be," Regulus muttered under his breath, trying to think of Slytherin things to convince the hat, like slithering snakes and the deep green of his bedroom, sharp smiles, cutting words, the pureblood parties, and superiority complexes, all the things he despised.
"There is bravery in giving up your choices so your brother may live a life he loves. Bravery, and a selflessness a Slytherin does not possess. I give you this gift, Regulus Arcturus, a change of fate. I declare GRYFFINDOR!" The hat roared loud enough for the entire hall to hear, and Regulus nearly fell off his stool with the shock of it.
There was only a moment or two of hesitance before the Great Hall filled with the cheers of the Gryffindors, raucous and overpowering, except for Sirius, who sat still on the bench, utterly drained of color. Regulus felt as if a noose had tightened around his throat, suddenly lightheaded, heart pounding in his ears. The hat had called his sorting a gift, but it felt like a death sentence, and based on the look on Sirius' face, he knew it too. He didn't move until McGonagall nudged him from the stool, her wrinkled mouth pulled as taut as the bun on the back of her head as she gestured to the Gryffindor table on the far side of the Hall. Regulus' legs carried him to his brother on autopilot, he did not dare look at the Slytherin table, at his cousins, or any other pureblood who was surely attempting to murder him with their glares. James and Peter slapped him on the back in congratulations, Remus smiled and said something that escaped his notice, heartbeat still roaring in his ears too loud to hear.
He clambered onto the bench between Remus and his brother clumsily, glancing at Sirius nervously, unsure if he was angry with him. Sirius looked down at him wide-eyed, blinking owlishly like he wasn't sure he wasn't dreaming, a slight tremble in his lips like he was containing some emotion.
"I didn't want to- I tried to tell it-" Regulus whispered, small hands shaking in his lap, "The hat wouldn't listen, Sirius, she's going to be so furious with me!"
"It's alright, it's fine, we'll just.." Sirius trailed off, gaze unwillingly going to the Slytherin table, where Bellatrix was stony-faced, deep sunken eyes dark as she stared at them. Narcissa was beside her, face contorted in a deep frown and arms crossed. Sirius cleared his throat, slapping an easy, confident grin on his face in response before glancing back at his brother, "I'll figure it out, don't worry."
"But-"
"I can't believe we have another Black in Gryffindor!" A brunette-haired boy Regulus didn't know said from across the table, "If you're anything like your brother, I'm sure to have double the headache I usually do. You wouldn't happen to be a devious little arsehole, would you?"
"Er, I don't think so?" Regulus replied, mind still spinning anxiously.
He knew the consequences, lived them while Sirius was at school that first year, and he struggled to pay attention to the conversation. The lights twinkled above him and laughter surrounded him, yet all he could think about was the dark walls of Grimmauld, the first Christmas Sirius came home, dried blood in the grout between the floorboards. He felt Sirius squeeze his arm tighter around him like a silent promise and reassurance, I'll protect you.
"Shut it, Frank, you know you love my devious arsehole, I bet you dream of it every night," Sirius teased, batting his eyelashes, the picture of ease, knowing every Slytherin had their slimy gazes on them, and refusing to show any fear.
"When I do, it's always a nightmare, Black, always."
"Frank's a prefect and our quidditch captain," James said, throwing an arm around and shaking him, "He'll show you and the other first years around later. He's a bit neurotic and weird, but he's our neurotic oddball."
"Are we talking about Frank's neuroticism again? Alice told me his sock drawer is organized by color! Not to mention-"
"Yes, thank you, Evans! Wonderful contribution," Frank interrupted loudly, speaking to a redheaded girl with blonde eyelashes and freckles all over her summer-tanned face. He turned to Regulus, exasperated, but smiling nonetheless, "We've got it pretty good over here in Gryffindor, our common room's the most comfortable, plus we don't have to go to the dungeons unless it's for potions. What class are you most excited about?"
"Defense and flying, I already know how to fly, but I want to practice before quidditch starts," Regulus answered, shifting in his seat.
"Oh, you're trying out this year? What position are you going for?" James sat forward, elbows on the table, instantly intrigued as he always was when the topic switched to his favorite sport.
Regulus smiled, relaxing a little, "Seeker, definitely. Sirius and I have pract-" He trailed off, the smile dropping from his face when he made eye contact with his cousins, Bellatrix picking up her knife as the food appeared on the tables and dragging it across her throat with a deadly serious look in her eyes.
Sirius followed his gaze, face hardening before picking up where Regulus left off, "We've practiced different positions in our backyard, but Reg's always been impartial to seeking," The conversation trailed off as students around them began to dig into their food, starved after the long sorting. Sirius mumbled to his brother while they were distracted, "Don't worry about them. Don't show them fear or it'll make it worse. You need to be extra brave now, maybe more than you've ever been, but I'll teach you how, alright? We'll figure it out together."
Regulus turned his face into his brother's arm to hide the tears that threatened to spill over, giving himself a few seconds before he pulled away, straightening his posture and raising his chin, donning the face of the youngest heir of House Black, rather than the scared little boy he felt. He smiled and tried to laugh, eating the way he was taught, and not once looking at the Slytherin table again, making Sirius proud the entire time.
Sirius managed to wait until he was in his dorm to fall apart. Regulus safely on the first year's floor at the top of Gryffindor Tower. He hadn't even considered the possibility of him being in anything other than Slytherin. Regulus, who so easily obeyed their parents, who would sooner run and hide than fight, who didn't have any of the cruelty that seemed to run in the veins of the Black family, including Sirius', but who was clever enough to know the safe choice. Slytherin was simultaneously the safest and most dangerous place for him to be, protected by the might and power of the Blacks, but nothing could protect him from Voldemort or the war. His parents wanted a soldier, a politician, a king. Regulus had done the thing none of them expected, not even himself, and spat in the face of their wishes.
Part of Sirius wants to shout for joy and run around the room, his brother wouldn't be lost to him, his brother was like him, enough to wear red and gold. Sirius spent so long feeling utterly alone in his family, so much time standing alone against what he knew in his heart was wrong and what his family believed, Regulus was so good at hiding, at being a chameleon and mouthpiece for their parent's vitriolic words, that Sirius hadn't believed in him to be better. Part of Sirius wants to despair because he knows the road ahead, how hard Regulus will have it from now on, and not only in their home. His heart had dropped into his damn gut when the hat declared his fate, all that had passed through his mind was every beating he'd taken since his own sorting, every scar hidden underneath his clothes, every night locked away without food.
Sirius stripped his stuffy robes and pulled on his pajamas before going straight for James' bed wordlessly and shutting the curtains. The moment his brother left with the first years he felt his smile drop, and the moment Sirius disappeared behind his best friend's bed curtains, he burst into tears, unable to hold it anymore. James climbed in after him, casting the silencing charm Sirius forgot, and settling next to him, their knees brushing.
"They're going to hurt him, he wasn't supposed to- to be like me!" Sirius' hands twisted in his hair as the words came rushing out in a sharp exhale, "Godric Prongs, how am I supposed to protect him from this?"
"Maybe they'll be calmer come Christmas, or maybe you both should spend Christmas at school to give them more time to cool off. You always said they wouldn't hurt him, maybe.. maybe he'll be fine," James seemed unconvinced himself, with a deep frown and shining puppy dog eyes the epitome of concern.
Sirius shook his head rapidly, yanking a little at his hair to clear his mind, to slow down his thoughts so he could think straight for a second, "They're still our parents, James, we'd have to face them at some point, ignoring them would just make them angrier. It's not only them either, he'll become a target for all of the Slytherins, Bellatrix will encourage it, he won't be safe here either."
"We'll teach him how to protect himself and make sure the others look after him too. We could talk to Minnie, she would know what to do, how to help," James reached up to pull Sirius' hands away from his hair when he winced after a particularly sharp pull, "Merlin's balls, Pads, you're going to go bald if you keep that up. We've got time to figure it out, and until then, we protect him every way we can."
Sirius let out a choked sob, "He'd never have been in Gryffindor if it weren't for me, if I didn't do it first. Reggie would be safe in Slytherin if it weren't for me."
James tugged him until Sirius fell bodily against his chest, tears dampening his shoulder, James' warm hands threading through his hair and massaging the sore spots from his pulling, "Stop that, Padfoot. It's a useless game where you lose every time. The truth is, even if he was in Slytherin, with your family, he'd never really be safe."
A knock came on the bedpost, and because he could hear Peter snoring, he pulled one curtain open the slightest bit to reveal Remus in his soft sleep clothes with his hunched posture. He glanced down at Sirius, curled against him, "We've got a visitor Pads, he does happen to be a werewolf, but I bet if we ask nicely he won't blow our house down. What do you think?"
Sirius huffed a dry laugh but nodded against his shoulder, moving to make room and scrubbing the tears off his face. Remus ducked into the bed, sitting on Sirius' other side, scarred hand finding his knee.
"I come bearing gifts," He said softly, waving a chocolate bar and breaking a large piece off for him, "Here, eat. You'll feel better."
"I don't think chocolate's going to help this, Moony."
Remus scoffed, "You underestimate the power of chocolate. Eat, breathe, focus on the taste."
Sirius accepted the square, letting it melt on his tongue as he closed his eyes, trying to force the rest of his panic in the background, trying to focus on Remus' hand on his knee, and James' soft stream of reassurances while he worked out the knots in his hair. After a few minutes, Sirius found himself calmer, though he was still fearful as he asked hoarsely, "What am I going to do?"
"We're going to make a plan. It is what we do best, after all. We'll find a way to guarantee that the snakes stay away from him," James said confidently, puffing up his chest, "We're marauders after all, it's in our blood."
Regulus had expected a howler, or worse, his parents to make the trip up to the school. What he hadn't expected was the silence. He vividly remembered the howler his mother sent to Sirius after his sorting, the grating noise of her screeching in fury was etched into his eardrums, the sound still made his heart race when he heard it in his dreams, startling awake and expecting to see her there. He played out the scene in his head over and again, what he imagined she'd say, the loudness of the message reaching every person in Hall, the way everyone would stare. Was he so unimportant that he wasn't worth the trouble or was she just biding her time?
He struggled to focus on his lessons, mostly the boring ones, his mind drifting to his family, his duty, and his failure. Regulus never felt particularly brave, but the sorting hat's words continued to stick with him, "There is bravery in giving up your choices so your brother may live a life he loves... I give you this gift, Regulus Arcturus, a change of fate." The sorting hat saw bravery in his brittle bones, something that Regulus thought only his brother could have in a family like theirs, selfless bravery, a knight in shining armor kind.
Regulus sat in the middle of the classroom, giving McGonagall a small nod in acknowledgment before pulling out his books. It was the third day of term, and he still hadn't heard from his parents, anxiety was a living, writhing thing in his stomach, insistent on making its appearance no matter how hard he tried to ignore it. Lost in his head, he was startled when a blue-eyed girl his age, with long white-blonde hair with strange charms wrapped in it, plopped down in the seat next to him with a grin, offering her bag of crisps as if they were best friends.
"Er, sorry, do we know each other?" He asked, even though he knew the answer, Regulus wasn't sure what to say.
"Not at all," The girl said, waving her bag of crisps in his face until he awkwardly took one, "You seemed lonely, and I fancied making a friend. Have you had any trouble with nargles lately? Dastardly creatures, they've eaten holes in all my stockings."
"Oh," Regulus said, looking down at her stockings and up at her, "That's... not fun. What's a nargle exactly?"
She waved a hand, "Whatever you want them to be, I suppose, not like you can see them anyway," She fixed him with a calculating smile, blue tie matching her eyes perfectly, "I'm Pandora."
"Regulus, pleased to meet you."
He and Pandora became fast friends, walking in the halls together and sitting next to each other in every class they shared. It was a shame she was a Ravenclaw, he would've liked to sit with her at lunch too, but he didn't mind his brother's friends either. They were nice too, if not a little strange. He found they were in the library often, bent over open-faced books, parchment and quills strewn everywhere, whispering furiously under their breaths. He wouldn't have taken Sirius for a studious type, but he'd heard fifth year is really hard so he assumed they were getting ahead before term work got more intense.
It wasn't as bad as he thought, the Slytherins bumped into his shoulders and hissed at him sometimes, muttering things like blood traitor and pureblood waste, but he told himself it didn't hurt, there could be much worse. Honestly, he wished the worst would come already, the complete silence from his family, including Bellatrix and Narcissa was stifling. Regulus' heart raced every time he saw them in the corridors but they never even looked in his direction, it was like he didn't exist at all. He didn't want to be in trouble, but being completely ignored hurt too, and waiting for the other shoe to drop only made it hard for him to enjoy his classes. Sirius checked in frequently, annoyingly frequently; prodding him and asking him if anyone's been bothering him and what of their names, he snuck dung bombs into Regulus' pockets and told him to use them if he was cornered and needed to escape, James gave him one half of the two way mirror he and Sirius usually used to communicate, and said to give a shout if he needed help in any way.
They seemed to anticipate danger, which only served to put Regulus further on edge as the days passed and nothing had escalated. Regulus was not the type to be hopeful, neither was Sirius, but that was probably due to being a product of their home rather than personality, and he found that the silence and relative calm made it worse. He almost wished for the chaos to end the waiting, but he also knew what lay at the other end of such chaos, what pain, scars, and sorrow. He was trapped in a strange limbo, sometimes forgetting entirely to anticipate bad things happening and enjoying himself with his classes and Pandora so thoroughly it felt as if he'd always belonged there, just an ordinary boy in Gryffindor, until one of the snakes shoved him or cursed at him, and he was reminded that he wasn't an ordinary boy, and he wasn't meant to be there.
It was the second week of term, a Monday when the Black family owl came swooping down the long Gryffindor table. The sleek black bird dropped the letter right on his plate, biting at his finger when he reached for the letter and drawing blood, fat red drops staining the white envelope. Regulus winced, and Remus, sitting on his right, shooed the bird away until it squawked angrily and took its leave. It wasn't a howler, which Regulus was slightly relieved about, the only problem being that whatever the letter contained probably couldn't be said aloud for fear of repercussions against the family. He saw the intent grow in Sirius' eyes and dodged before he could swipe it out of Regulus' hands. He understood what Sirius was trying to do, but after a week of silence, Regulus desperately wanted to know what they had to say, even knowing it couldn't be anything good.
He ripped it open, pretending he couldn't see the others at the table blatantly staring at him. The Black crest broke and he unfolded the letter, expensive parchment, his father's swirling calligraphy, pretty costumes to disguise the dark intent, and what better metaphor for his family? His eyes skipped over the sentences rapidly, certain ones jumping out at him, a disgrace to the lineage, a worse disappointment than his brother, an utter betrayal, those were all expected, though it didn't make it hurt less. The worst of it was the bottom paragraph, explaining that his sorting had come as such a shock to his mother, that she had fainted, experienced a cardiac event, and needed to be taken to St. Mungo's immediately. His mother with a weak heart from inbreeding and high blood pressure, his father explained that the reason they couldn't write was because they'd spent the last week in hospital, and it was all Regulus' fault. His father detailed that he wasn't to come home for Christmas, he wasn't welcome until he was deemed repentant enough to return home. His father expressed how he couldn't imagine a son as cowardly as Regulus would make it into Gryffindor, but he assumed Sirius had something to do with it.
Maybe it ought to be a bit of a relief, not being required to go home for Christmas and face their wrath, except his mother fell deathly sick because of him because despite his ability to camouflage himself, he couldn't do it well enough to hide what was in his heart. He had expected to be told he was a disappointment, expected the words he'd heard Maman spit toward Sirius for years, he hadn't expected to be the reason his mother was in the hospital, potentially dying. Regulus had never been insulted the way Sirius had, never experienced the same vitriol he did because he was the perfect son, and often subject to his mother's rare affection or cool tolerance. Now, he was nothing to them, he'd betrayed his only family and was responsible for breaking it apart.
The letter fluttered from limp fingers, smoking at the edges the same way that his mother's did sometimes, accidental magic rising with his distress. There was movement around him and sound, though it was muffled, the letter disappearing from his field of vision as someone grabbed it. Regulus stared at his empty plate where the letter had sat, the words off the page still running in his mind along with images of his mother in the hospital. It wasn't until someone grabbed his shoulder that he came back a little, ripping away from the touch on instinct, violent words, and bloody images, muffled crying from behind locked doors, and a clawed hand digging into his shoulder demanding perfection-
He hit the floor hard, jolting out of his shock for a moment, unsure how he got there, the full sound of the Great Hall filtering in, people everywhere snickering at him, giving him confused looks, and few concerned ones, and a loud cackling laugh he recognized at Bellatrix. Regulus scrambled onto his feet and ran out of the Hall, covering his ears, not wanting to hear the whispers or comments, ignoring the Gryffindors' shouts after him. He didn't know the castle very well yet, and his vision was blurry with tears, his throat and chest tight with the need to scream or cry or for Merlin's sake, breathe. He just needed to get as far away as possible, from the noise, from the letter, from his head. Regulus wound up on the second floor, curled in a hidden alcove behind a tapestry that Remus had shown him if he ever needed to hide.
He curled up, back against the damp stone, shoes digging into the dirt, rocking on instinct as he tried to relieve the pressure building up in his body. Regulus felt like a lit fuse, rapidly approaching eruption, and the sensation was too much for him, a tidal wave rising up in front of him, a wall of water about to crush him into dust. It didn't feel survivable, this feeling. His family was not perfect, they were not kind or sweet or giving, but they were his, the only ones he had. He blamed the damned sorting hat, Regulus has never been brave, nobody ever thought of him as brave, and it was foolish of the hat to say so, it was foolish of Regulus to believe that maybe he could be.
Sirius found him minutes or hours later, it was hard to tell, clawed hands scratching desperately at his arms, and his neck, fisting in his hair, searching for any sensation to release him from the magnitude of what he was experiencing. He was barely breathing, could hear the gasps loud in his ears over the static in his brain, and could hear Sirius curse under his breath as he surged forward to Regulus.
"Reggie, Reggie, it's okay," Sirius chanted, voice thin and frantic as he tried to pry Regulus' arms away from the incessant scratching of his skin, from the tugging of his hair. "You've gotta stop, please, you've gotta stop hurting yourself, it's alright." He held his little brother's arms tightly, fighting tears as he watched Regulus fight his panic with wild eyes and torn nails tinged pink.
"I-It's my fault, I did that, a-and now I'm," Regulus heaved, suddenly unsure if he was going to be sick or if he simply couldn't breathe right, still rocking as the world moved with him, tipping off its axis, "Alone, t-they don't want me anymore."
Sirius squeezed his arms, working hard to keep his voice calm beyond the fury he felt toward his parents, "Listen to me, petite etoile, everything they did, waiting to send the letter, waiting for you to be settled in and telling Bella and Cissa not to speak to you, it was all calculated. Telling you not to come home, telling you about mother, it was purposeful. It's not true, mon petite etoile, they're punishing you, they're lying, Maman is fine."
Regulus shook his head vigorously, "They didn't send a letter because they were at M-Mungo's, you know her heart is fragile, and I-" His voice broke, a whine escaping instead of an inhale, the band around his throat tightening exponentially.
Sirius’ hands came up to cup his face, thumbs swiping tears from reddened eyes, "McGonagall would've told us if there was an emergency, we would've known way sooner if it was true. Or the Prophets would've reported it, something huge like that would've been everywhere, especially in light of your- your sorting," He didn't want it to sound like his brother's fault, but his parents have always been cunning, disgustingly manipulative, he didn't believe for a second this was true. "Remus went to McGonagall to check, alright? If something really did happen, she or Dumbledore would know by now."
"What if she dies? I know they're not g-good, but they're my family! I don't have what you have, I don't want to be alone," Regulus cried, and Sirius wasn't sure any of his words were getting through to him, the panic too thick.
He didn't feel the same way about their family that Regulus did, he didn't love his mother and didn't care if she was dying. But Sirius had found his real family, and his heart ached and burned as he thought about Regulus, his little brother loving the only family he had, the ones that had never been deserving of his love and loyalty. He pulled his little brother closer, Sirius on his knees in the dirt, guiding Regulus' head to his chest, enveloping him in a tight hug, feeling the way his brother's heart pounding shook his entire body.
"You're not alone, mon petite etoile, for as long as I'm alive, you'll never be alone, I promise," Sirius whispered, chin resting on his head as he rocked them a bit, listening to Regulus' ragged, desperate gasps, "I'm here, I'm staying here with you. Let's name the stars okay? Every time we name one, we'll breathe okay?"
"Orion," He said shakily.
"Good. Breathe," Sirius tightened his arms a little, feeling Regulus' chest expand in a stutter, "Pollux."
They breathed.
"Sirius." Regulus' fingers were knotted tightly in Sirius' sweater.
"Bit of an easy one, innit?" Sirius teased lightly. Regulus tried to laugh, but his breath caught again, and it came out as more of a sob. "It's okay, Reggie, try again." He smoothed a hand down Regulus' back, "Breathe."
They breathed.
"Alphard."
And on it went until the tension gradually seeped from Regulus' muscles, skin striped with raw scratches, throat dry and head full of cotton, face heated and covered in tears.
Sirius planted a kiss in his hair, still holding his brother close, "You're so very brave, Regulus, loving even when it hurts you, caring even when it is not earned, is very brave."