His ribs are too tight, crushing his heart. His breath comes out in short spurts, taking in not nearly as much air as he needs. There isn’t enough oxygen flowing into his brain, he feels lightheaded, and he can’t breathe .
They’re all staring at me, they’re all staring at me, everyone please stop staring at me.
He clutches his throat, and claws at his chest as if he could physically pull it forward, and make more space for his lungs. Black spots are appearing in his vision, oh god he’s going to die.
Everyone is staring at me, they’re all staring at me, stop staring, stop staring, stop staring.
Distantly, he wonders how much time has passed. How much time can a person live without air? How much time can a werewolf live without air? He wonders what will happen if he dies. Will anyone care? Will his mother cry? Would it really be that bad? At least he won’t have to worry about the stupid full moon anymore.
“Hey, it’s okay, you’re having a panic attack.”
A boy’s voice. He knows this boy. Not well enough to figure out who he is right now, but he knows him.
“I have them too sometimes. You just have to come back out of your head, okay?” the boy is still speaking. “Breathe with me. In, and out. In, and out.”
He’s definitely dying. That can be the only explanation for this. His head slumps against the wall, too heavy to hold up. His eyes are burning with unshed tears, his hands are shaking, his lungs refusing to draw air.
“Here have this.” Something is being pushed into his hand. Then, his hand is brought to his face. He can smell it, something citrusy–maybe lime, maybe lemon.
“Sometimes it helps when someone is talking. Do you want me to talk?”
Remus nods. He’s so dizzy, so disoriented.
“Alright, let me think… maybe I should start with my name.” A body slides down to sit next to him. “Hi, I’m James Potter. You can call me James, or Potter, or anything you want, really. I don’t mind.”
Remus is so tired. His eyelids feel heavy, his head so foggy. Maybe he’ll faint.
“I like nicknames, they’re so fun! Me and Sirius–that’s my best mate–we always try to come up with funny nicknames for ourselves. We couldn’t quite find one that sticks, though. Other people think nicknames are stupid, like Lily–d’you know about Lily Evans? She’s like, the smartest, most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.”
Breathe in, and out. In, and out.
“Anyway, she thinks everything I do is stupid, so maybe the nicknames aren’t the problem. I think she just hates me. I don’t know why she hates me. I’m friendly, and I try my best to be kind, and I play quidditch and I’m pretty–at least, I think so, do you think I’m pretty? My mum says I’m pretty, but mums are supposed to say that so maybe she’s lying.”
The boy is restless, rambling incoherently, chewing the inside of his cheek, and picking at the various plasters on his arms. Normally Remus would purposefully avoid someone like him. Right now though, it’s somehow everything he needs to calm his racing thoughts and uncooperative body.
“Sirius says people hate me 'cause I talk too much–at least, he says that's what his mum would say. That’s why I talk to the house elves. They don't think I'm annoying. When I have the time, I go to the kitchens to talk to them. Professor Slughorn told me I was distracting them from their work. I’m not though, I promise! I don’t just sit there and talk, I help them with the dishes! Besides, the house elves like me, I think. Well, some of them do. There’s Slinky, she’s really nice. She’s kind of shy, but when you get to know her she’s really witty. She’s got this crush on this other elf, Bucker. I don’t know what she sees in him though. He’s mean and doesn’t like me much. Then there’s Dibble, he’s proper smart. He helps me with my Potions homework sometimes–says Potions is like cooking. I’m not sure though, I’ve always been good at cooking, but never at potions. Which is ironic, considering my dad is a Potions Master.”
Remus brings the solid perfume James handed him closer to his face, breathes in the smell of lime once more with his sharp werewolf nose.
“I just–I don’t know. Potions just doesn’t click in my brain you know? I’m not naturally smart like Sirius–he doesn’t even have to study and gets the highest grade in the year! That’s why he does the pranks, it gives him something to challenge himself with because everything else is so easy –I’m not like that. I have to study so much but sometimes, no matter how hard I study, I end up failing anyway. I just feel like an idiot–maybe Lily’s right. But, I’m good at some classes! Like Transfiguration, it all makes so much sense, you know? It’s not like Potions.
Oh–hey! Welcome back!”
James is suddenly looking at Remus through his big circle glasses, his mouth breaking into an excited smile. He’s right, Remus’ breathing has finally settled. Everything is back to normal, save for the slight tremors lingering in his hands.
He looks back at James, shrinking, fiddling with his sleeves. The insecurity is creeping back in. He’s on the verge of awkwardly mumbling an apology, but James appears too lost in his own head, raging war against his own thoughts.
“Hey–uh–can I be your friend?”
Remus blinks.
“It’s just that you seem really cool and I really really want to be your friend.” James’ face is burning up. He’s shifting around, rubbing the back of his neck, pulling at his hair. “You don’t have to say yes or anything–I get it. It’s fine. I’m so sorry. We can just forget I ever asked and I’ll leave you alone and–”
“Okay.”
James pauses, his brain taking a few moments to process what he just heard. Then, his eyes widen like saucers, face lighting up, mouth stretching into a blinding smile.
“Really?”
Remus giggles. He’s never met someone so excited to be his friend. “Yeah.”
“Okay,” James says seriously. Then he squeals, rocking back and forth, hands flapping. “Okay, cool. Cool cool cool.”