Sirius Black was nineteen at the time, when he truly became an only child.
Before, it had been as if he were. No letters or late night stargazing like they once used to. Nothing. Worse than nothing. They were on opposite sides of a war. And Regulus, stupid little Reggie, a death
eater with a hunger for the dark arts which has never prior been present.
He can't quite explain it, when he knew something had happened. He remembers rolling and flipping over and stangling with the sheets so much Moony had to move to the couch. And it wasn't as if he
had felt something going so horribly wrong like that fateful night almost two years later. Quite the contrary, it was like something had gone very, exceptionally, miserably, horrendously; peaceful. So
peaceful he couldn't sleep. Too peaceful. Like a body going still.
It makes you wonder why he didn't save him, insist more he take him with him, encourage him to ask more questions. Take something with him to cling onto, leave more of himself behind. It also
makes you wonder why Sirius has no answer.
Sirius has always known he was selfish, he has never had a problem admitting to it either. It is simply the way he is. Has been born and raised. He guesses this is just another punishment for putting
himself first, another slap to the burning skin right under his eye between his nose and left ear.
Regulus, on the other hand, while never selfless, tended to put certain things above himself. The price of being a second-born, he had always joked. Always the strategist too, that one. Always ready for
all that threatens to come. A perfect balance to Sirius' reckless and unexpected nature.
Which makes it all a bit more off-putting, when the idiot dies so quickly. At eighteen, fresh out of Hogwarts, with nothing behind and a full life ahead.
Sirius knows this for certain. Regulus Arcturus Black has died for his own cause, in his own conditions.
This too, made Sirius further drown in resentment towards his no-longer younger brother.
Suicide, or the equivalent of, it was.
If it were anything else, Sirius may have been able to forgive him, or try to understand.
But he didn't, because for all that was and wasn't between them two, he has never once known him to wish to take his own life. This was Sirius' job, to be the unstable son of a bitch with shit suicidal
tendencies.
But Regulus wouldn't. Isn't. Wasn't.
Like said, it is he who knew what he was doing and where he was heading, up, and up; and up. Upper than a Black and upper than a stupid Dark Lord. And he who has decided to throw himself down.
Regulus had died a coward's death, yet Sirius teared for a lion's blood.