The Letter
Remus Lupin was prone to panic attacks. It was just a fact of his life, and something he could never ignore. After all, being bitten by a werewolf just before the age of five and having painful transformations every month since then was quite traumatic. The way Remus dealt with his feelings was not healthy, as he was so often reminded by his friends. He tended to bottle up any negative emotions until he couldn’t suppress them anymore, and the result of that was full breakdowns with uncontrollable shaking, and many, many tears.
Sirius Black, however, was not. Despite the physical and verbal abuse he had been subject to from his family since before he could talk, Sirius was, in ways, much better at dealing with his emotions. His impulsiveness, which normally felt more like a curse, helped in that regard. He had James to confide in, and he had frequently spent late nights under the covers of his best friend's bed in school, discussing anything and everything, from quidditch teams to the scars on Sirius’s calves.
Essentially, Sirius had escaped his trauma when he had escaped his family. It was spoken about and dealt with, which gave him plenty of time to heal under the loving care of Euphemia Potter. Remus’s trauma was not escapable. In fact, as time went on, his health could only slowly deteriorate with each full moon.
But the point was, Sirius didn’t have panic attacks. He was doing quite well at the ripe age of 21, and was nearly done with his three years of Auror training after graduating from Hogwarts. So the news came as quite a shock.
*****
Sirius and Remus shared a modest cottage in one of the many small villages outside of Hogsmeade. They spent much of their time in muggle London, but that particular day, they were relaxing by the fireplace, surrounded by each and every one of their school friends. It was the winter holidays, and everyone was taking at least a day off of work just to spend some time together, which was a rare occurrence in the busy time in which they lived. The tiny cottage was not the ideal gathering spot, but it was cozy nonetheless. Besides, it was the safest option, what with all the enchantments skillfully cast on it by Remus himself. And safety was quite a concern in those times.
Remus rested his sore back against the side of the couch, Sirius’s head in his lap. Lily and James cuddled on the couch in a similar fashion, their fingers intertwined, and Peter sat cross-legged on the carpet, warming his hands over the fire. He was participating in some kind of board game with Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas, and it was getting quite competitive. Dorcas and Marlene were engaged in some kind of spirited banter in a flirty, yet alarmingly aggressive way. It was only a matter of time before one of them flipped the entire board over, and by the looks of it, that person was going to be Marlene.
Remus gently kissed Sirius’s forehead before using the couch to pull himself to his feet. He grabbed his forearm crutches and hobbled over to the doorway separating the living area from the kitchen.
“Tea, anyone?” He asked, gesturing to the kitchen behind him.
“Oh, Remus, let me help!” Lily shot up out of her seat and followed him to the kitchen. Remus did appreciate the thoughtfulness, but it also made him feel a bit useless when his friends constantly came to his aid– he could do plenty himself! And Lily was pregnant, too. She shouldn’t be up and about all the time, Remus thought. Regardless, Lily was always welcome company, and it did give them a chance to catch up.
As Lily boiled water on the stove, Remus collected assorted mugs from the cabinets and spoke cautiously.
“So, Lily, how’s work?”
Lily and Mary were nurses, and as they had never been much into defense in school, they thought it might make them most useful in the war. Remus knew medicine was more of Mary’s thing, and Lily never spoke much about herself and what she wanted, so it seemed worth asking.
“Oh, you know. The usual. We’re very busy, and with all the night shifts, it’s quite exhausting. But Mary seems happy.”
“But are you happy?” Remus asked.
Lily sighed. “I don’t know. All I’d really like to do is settle down and enjoy life with James. Who knows how long we all have left, anyways? And with a baby on the way…” She trailed off, resting her hands on her stomach.
Remus nodded. He remembered how just a few years ago, his biggest concerns were passing his N.E.W.Ts and planning for a career, knowing quite well that very few people would accept a werewolf as an employee. Now he desperately wished time would slow; after leaving Hogwarts, he had been forced to grow up so quickly. Even spending so much time around muggles, Remus could never fully escape the looming fear of war. People were announced dead practically every day. And then there was the matter of Sirius…
“Gosh, Remus, we’re supposed to be enjoying ourselves,” Lily said, pouring a bit of water into each mug.
Remus opened his mouth to reply, but a tap at the kitchen window startled him, and he nearly spilled a mug of boiling water all over himself. He turned toward the glass and swung it open, allowing a small but elegant white owl entrance. He untied an envelope from its claw and reached into a cabinet for some birdseed to scatter on the counter. He flipped over the white envelope in his hand to find three words printed in a very elegant cursive.
Sirius Orion Black
“It’s for Sirius,” Remus told Lily. “Do you think… should I give it to him? Right now, I mean?”
“I don’t think he’d appreciate you hiding it, to be quite honest.”
“Course,” Remus muttered, helping Lily pile all of the mugs onto one large tray. They walked back to the living room, and Remus returned to his spot against the couch, tossing the letter to Sirius, who was lying on his back by the fire beside Peter.
“Something for you, Pads,” he said, and rested his head against the couch cushions, clutching the warm tea in his hands.
Sirius’s stomach lurched at the familiar cursive on the note, but he tore it open anyway. Inside was a folded piece of paper, which he opened to reveal a short letter. It was just a short few sentences, but as he read them over, he felt his heart stop. He read it again, just to make sure he hadn’t imagined it the first time, but the words remained the same. Sirius’s face paled. He felt his hands begin to shake, and condensation formed on his brow. His eyes blurred, and his breaths shallowed. He became aware of some faraway mumbling – something that sounded like his name, but surely it couldn’t be, because this couldn’t be real. None of this could be happening.
“Sirius?” Remus asked warily. On instinct, he crawled over and rested his hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder. Sirius flinched. He collapsed back to the floor, eyes wide with shock. Remus pulled his hand back in surprise, and Sirius started rocking back and forth. He wouldn’t stop shaking, and it was terrifying.
“Lily! Mary!” Remus yelled pointlessly. They were already halfway across the room. Remus felt helpless – he should be the one comforting his boyfriend! After all, he was familiar with panic attacks. But just like Sirius, he was frozen in place. He couldn’t do much more than stare as Mary held up a palm to Sirius’s forehead, and Lily helped him breathe.
“Deep breaths, love,” she said gently, and Remus felt himself following along. “Now I want you to find me three objects in this room, okay?”
So Remus did too. He identified the photo of all of them on the mantle, the orange corduroy pillow on the couch, and the golden star atop their Christmas tree.
“Good,” Lily said, despite Sirius having said nothing. “Now listen for three sounds.”
Remus heard the crackling of the fireplace, the sound of the sink running as someone got a cup of water, and the heavy sound of Sirius’s breathing, which was thankfully slowing.
“Finally, I would like you to move three body parts, okay?”
Remus couldn’t bring himself to look at Sirius, but he could tell by Lily’s approving hum that he was doing just as she said. Remus himself twitched his foot, shook his hand, and turned his head to face his boyfriend. He felt himself stand, though it was a sort of involuntary action. Sirius had a cool cloth on his head and was sipping ice water from a plastic cup. Everyone besides Lily was sitting tensely at a distance, having done everything they could, and Remus felt like an absolute idiot just standing there uselessly. Mary slid a cup of water into his hand, too, but he barely acknowledged it. He forced himself to go sit beside Sirius, despite Lily’s protests. Sirius immediately collapsed on top of him, crying into his shoulder, and in his confusion, Remus was able to pick up the dropped letter.
Sirius,
You should know that Regulus was killed this year. If you wish to attend his funeral, the date and time are enclosed.
Walburga Black
“Shit,” Remus said, and handed the letter to Lily. Sirius let out an awful cry and sobbed harder into his shoulder.