Trying
September came and went without much else of a fuss, in James’ opinion. The prank paid off, making all of the Slytherins grumpy and very sleepy for a few days, while the teachers tried to transfigure the beds back, but to no avail. They eventually saw a shipment of new beds arrive to the castle and laughed their heads off, watching them take out all of the items they had transfigured and took them to Godric knew where.
They were also never caught, which meant that their perfect record remained spotless. When he wrote as much to his mum, Effie had replied with the promised money and a short note that read “Boys -please stay out of trouble.” They got into detention that same afternoon, after playing a small prank on Snape and his lot, but it was worth it to James. It also meant they were free to be fully back to business, and so prank planning was at its peak; Peter was investigating some plant property (he’d been vague about it, telling them he’d explain everything once he figured it out), mostly with Remus’ help. Sirius was busy playing pranks everywhere he went, transfiguring people’s bags, or homework, and laughing his ass off when they couldn’t transfigure it back.
James, meanwhile, did his best to keep himself busy with Quidditch practices, getting the team in shape for the first match of the season and trying himself out as the new captain. He was in charge of hosting tryouts to replace the gap Alice and Frank had left after graduating, last term. Frank had been shaping James up for the entirety of his fourth year, training him to be the next captain, and even though he was gone, James wasn’t planning on letting him down.
He had to admit he was proud with the results he was getting with the team, the new members working well with the more experienced ones.
“Good practice today, team” he beamed at them as they all dismounted their brooms. He did a recount of the entire team in his head. There was Hannah, a sturdy fourth year, Marlene, and himself as chasers, then Adam, the fourth year, as the new keeper; Sirius and Emery, the new third year as beaters, and sixth-year Gabriel as their seeker. They had done some routine flying drills, nothing too fancy, getting the new players used to the older ones’ rhythm and patterns.
They were proving to fit in well with the rest of the team, something James was particularly proud about; after all, he’d been the one making the decisions, even if he did take into account the opinions of the other members of the team. Marlene’s, especially. Her instincts were about as sharp as James’, something he had realized last year and decided to exploit.
“Aye, aye, captain,” Marlene mockingly saluted him, and Sirius promptly did the same, making James stick his tongue out at both of them while the entire team laughed, even Emery, who was too shy to say much whenever any of them tried speaking with her about anything other than Quirditch strategies. In the field, though, she was fierce.
After some more debriefing and correcting a few hitches in their strategy, they all headed to the locker rooms to get ready for the day.
James showered in silence, letting the water fall on him and doing his best to ease the tension in his muscles. It was already October, and there was a full moon that night, so he and the other Marauders needed to get themselves ready for the all-nighter. Sirius had thrown murder in his direction the entire practice, knowing he’d made him get up much earlier than he normally would, but James was having none of that. They needed the consistency if they wanted to have a clean win against Ravenclaw.
He continued thinking about the match, and possible strategies, as he made his way out of the shower, his towel wrapped around his navel, heading to his locker to get his clothes. There was only one shower still running; the rest of the locker room was empty.
James let his mind wander from Quidditch, and it inevitably came back to Regulus. He hadn’t seen much of the younger boy recently and had had no chance to talk to him, other than a few, brief words whenever he saw him with Remus in the library. He kept circling back to their last full conversation, during the prank, thinking about why on earth would have Barty or Evan called him, but he found no answer no matter how much he thought about it. Maybe he ought to take the map sometime, go looking for him and then-
“So, full moon tonight,” came from the only other booth that had a still running shower, pulling him from his thoughts, and James sighed.
Of course, the only other man of the team who took longer than him getting ready was Sirius.
“Yeah boo, I know.”
“So, what do you think Moony will be like tonight?”
It was the same question he had asked for the past two weeks. Sirius had always had the theory that Moony acted on Remus’ repressed emotions, and he seemed to have lots of little things to confirm this. James wasn’t so sure himself. Moony was, well, a wolf, and he seemed to act more on instincts than anything else. He always told Sirius that he was seeing things where there wasn’t anything, but this was something he didn’t listen to him about.
“Don’t know, mate, just hope he doesn’t go scratching at himself tonight. You know how Remus gets about that sort of stuff.” It was the same answer he had already given him at least five times before, but he wasn’t sure Sirius was truly listening to him. He seemed to just need a person to vent to and, well, James could be that.
“You think he’ll ignore me too?” Sirius’ voice was smaller now, like the prospect was something he wasn’t prepared for, but also clearly something he had thought a lot about.
“Remus isn’t ignoring you anymore, Pads,” James said softly, because he wasn’t. At least, not that he’d noticed; yes, Remus had been keeping more to himself recently, but with Prefect rounds and his already ongoing stress about OWLs, even though they were months away, James hadn’t thought much of it.
Clearly, Sirius had. “Oh, but he is, James,” he said, shutting off his shower, tendrils of water vapor coming out through the opening. “He’s been ignoring me ever since that godforsaken party. He even favors spending time with Regulus over me. Me!” There was a pause, probably for Sirius to recompose himself. He always needed it, when Regulus was mentioned. “Are you sure I did nothing else to offend him?”
“You apologized for the gluing thing, and he forgave you,” James started, doing his best to ignore the Regulus comment. Upon having Sirius’ head poke out of the shower, his face ready to start fighting, he relented. “Yes, so he held a grudge for a few days. But come on, Pads, you really think he’s been avoiding you? I think just been busy being a prefect. You’ve seen how he gets about it.”
James finished buttoning his shirt and put his tie on, as Sirius got out of the shower, no longer looking at him. “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” he muttered, and although James wasn’t sure if he’d convinced him, he let the subject go and instead headed out to the Great Hall. He was starving.
The classes of the day went by fast. Remus, as it was usual whenever the full moon was near, was in pain and unwilling to show it, wincing with every step he took, after every loud noise, and to every single smell he caught. This meant all of them were on edge all day, crowding around him protectively, doing their best to make the day more bearable for him. Sirius was especially protective, acting as a bodyguard, and this particular moon must’ve been bad, because unusual for Remus, he wasn’t complaining at all about their preferential treatment to him.
Sirius tried at least four separate times to get him to lay down and rest, but Remus would only look at him with an empty stare before limping on to his next class. Sirius would then look at James, distraught, but he’d only manage a half-shrug as he followed Remus. He was already being lenient enough on how they treated him, there was no way they were convincing him of more. He hated thinking it, but he knew there was nothing more they could do to make things better for their friend.
They managed to coax him to the quiet of their dorm mid-afternoon, under the excuse that they all needed to take a nap (which, in James’ very rightful opinion, they did). They had no more classes that day, with James having finished Arithmancy, the others already out of there electives. Peter went merrily to his own bed and fell asleep almost immediately, while James flopped down on his own bed and got under the covers, but without closing his eyes. Sirius kept shooting Remus worried glances, which the other boy either didn’t notice or dutifully ignored, his eyes closed, but body tense as he lay on his bed.
The last thing James heard before succumbing to sleep was their hushed voice. James had seen Sirius get up from his bed to kneel in front of Remus’. “Is there anything I can get you, Moons?” he asked, an edge to his voice that wasn’t usually there.
Remus gave a low noise. “No, Pads, go to sleep,” Remus answered, his voice strained.
As his eyes were closing against his will, he caught glimpses of Sirius’ hands threading through Remus’ hair, a soothing gesture that had the blond-haired boy relaxing ever so slightly. “I’m here, Moons, you know that right?”
“Yes, Pads, I know,” came Remus’ soft reply.
James’ last thought was that whatever was going on between the two of them, he hoped they could figure it out.
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Remus awoke while his body was still convulsing, the spasms in his muscles making him wish he was still passed out, pain filling the entirety of his senses. He couldn’t process the image he saw when his eyes opened, so he closed them again and gritted his teeth against the pain.
A bad moon, then. He’d suspected as much.
He stayed still until the pain subsided a bit, then tentatively opened his eyes again. He was sprawled on top of the mattress inside the shack, the small blanket draped around his rattling frame. His friends were already gone, which meant Pomfrey was probably close to arriving. Wincing, he forced his body to sit down and checked himself over for injuries. Although the transformation had been harsh, the wolf seemed to have directed its energy elsewhere, for there were no deep gashes on his skin, as far as he could see. Everything still hurt too much to be able to tell otherwise.
Remus bowed his head low and put his hands on his thighs, remembering to breathe slowly, doing his best to ignore the pain coursing through him. He managed to muster enough strength to get up and start dressing himself. He was wincing as he put on his pajama bottoms when Madame Pomfrey entered the room.
“You foolish boy,” she said as greeting, rushing to him and helping him in his endeavor. He wanted to shout at her, the help making him feel useless, but he was too tired to argue against her. “Are there any new cuts?”
“Not as far as I could tell” he muttered. Even the smallest brush against his skin felt like agony in that moment, but he forced himself to get his shirt on as well, with help from the matron. She gave him a pain potion and he chucked it down, barely registering the taste. It didn’t do much, but he thanked her for it regardless. She took the vial from him and stored it in her bag.
“Are you fit for walking to the infirmary?” she asked him once he had his clothes and shoes on. She had stopped carrying him with magic late in his second year, when he had felt so embarrassed he’d rushed to get up and going before she was even there, leading to more pain, but at least no shaming. She had figured him out and reassured him she’d never carry him again without his permission. So far, she had remained truthful to her word.
“Yes,” he answered. He didn’t feel like talking much. He limped down the stairs and into the passage to Hogwarts grounds, hunching down, doing his best to only focus on his next step and nothing else. He paid no mind to the dark passage, barely lit by some enchanted candles Pomfrey put out as they went.
He kept putting one foot in front of the other, over and over again, feeling Pomfrey walk behind him, watching him like a hawk for any sign that he’d pass out. It had happened a few times already, though not recently. Not since the wolf had Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs to play with. He felt close to it today, nevertheless, his brain fuzzy and the pain barely manageable.
He winced as he got out of the passage and into Hogwarts grounds, the rising sun giving everything a golden halo that made his eyes hurt. Everything was deserted, as far as Remus could see. That was good. It meant it was still early; the Marauders would be able to sleep at least until lunch without much of a problem, with it being Saturday and all.
The walk to the infirmary was a long one, but he finally managed to get inside. He limped to the last bed and crashed there, not caring to hide his pain anymore. He curled up on himself and felt Pomfrey’s hand against his forehead.
“You’re running a fever, Remus,” she said, her voice strained. He knew she hated seeing him in pain, and so he usually hid it from her, but it was no good today. He was feeling miserable, there was no hiding that.
He felt her footsteps receding and a second later she came back, putting a vial to his lips. He drank the potion as he felt her magic envelop him, the low hum of diagnostic spells around him.
“Well, at least there’s no new injuries,” she said, giving his shoulder a small, reassuring squeeze. Remus wanted to his from the pain but instead he hummed low, letting her know he understood. “I’ll let you rest up now. Do you want a sleeping potion?”
He shook his head and pulled the blanket over himself. The potions here going into effect, a pleasant tingling in his skin finally replacing the pain.
“Let me in, Pomfrey,” Sirius’ voice startled Remus awake. He hadn’t realized when he’d dozed off, but the sun was higher in the sky now. Remus guessed it was around midday, but his friends didn’t normally visit him until the afternoon, especially when the full moon happened during the weekend, like this one. Sirius had probably come on his own, then.
“Mr. Lupin is asleep right now, Mr. Black, and I suggest you let him rest.” Unlike most of the staff at Hogwarts, Pomfrey still called Sirius Mr. Black, something none of them had been able to change it. Remus knew Sirius hated it, and if he endured it, it was only because of him.
Before he could stop himself, knowing it was stupid to let himself see Sirius in the emotional state he was in, he spoke. “I’m awake, Poppy. Let him in.” He was the only one of the Marauders allowed to use the matron’s nickname, and he used it sparsely; mostly, when he needed something from her.
He’d feel bad about it if it wasn’t for the hushed exchange of words that led to footsteps in his direction. A few seconds later, the curtains to his bed opened, revealing a tired Sirius, dark bags under his eyes and hair in a ponytail. His usual good posture was gone, and he was slouching, almost pulling himself upright using the pole of the curtains.
He was always beautiful, in Remus’ eyes, but in that moment, he looked like hell.
“Padfoot. What’s wrong?” Remus wanted to get up and walk to him, but he found his body was too heavy to move, courtesy of Pomfrey’s potions. Instead, he watched as Sirius sat down on the chair beside his bed, not taking his grey eyes off of Remus’ the entire time.
“It was a long night” he replied, noncommittally.
Remus’ heart churned in his stomach. Had he…? “Did I hurt any of you?” The words came out hushed, color drained from his cheeks, stomach tied in knots all of a sudden. That was why he had been against the idea of them being animagi at first, why he’d flipped out at them when they showed him what they’d done; his worst fear was hurting any of them, and if- if-
He was halfway out of bed, empowered by the adrenaline, when a hand stopped him. “Hey, Moons, no, you didn’t,” Sirius reassured him immediately, kneeling by his bed, hands in his thighs and grey eyes searching into amber ones. “Look at me, Moons, breathe.” He copied Sirius’ breathing until his heart calmed down and his own breathing evened.
He hadn’t panicked like that in a long time. He hadn’t missed it.
“Then what happened?” He asked, because not having hurt them didn’t erase Sirius’ haunted expression from his face, the roundness of his shoulders, nor his tiredness. He even looked like he’d been crying, something so out of pocket for him it would be comical, if Remus wasn’t so worried.
“I- it’s a little silly, really,” Sirius started, and Remus shot him a look that meant he didn’t believe that. The raven-haired boy sighed and undid his ponytail, hair cascading down to frame his face. He took a piece between his fingers and started twirling it while Remus looked, mesmerized. “Well, the wolf just… sort of ignored me the entire night.”
“What?” Remus asked, a little bewildered, because that was not where he thought the conversation was going at all.
“Yeah, he just… he kept to Prongs, mostly, and played with little Wormtail too, but he just… ignored me completely. Kind of what you’ve been doing.” That last phrase was said in almost a whisper, and Remus heard the hurt in it. He winced, because he realized exactly where the conversation was going. Realized he’d been wrong to assume Sirius didn’t notice what he’d been doing at all.
Yes, he was still doing his best to spend as little time with Sirius as possible, excusing himself with rounds, with his study dates with Regulus, anything to keep him at arm’s length. After everything that had gone down at the party, after having to endure seeing him with Mary, he’d decided he needed to get over Sirius, and every moment he spent with him weakened said resolved. That was why he was ignoring him.
“Have I?” He tried nonetheless, feigning ignorance and hoping the other boy played along.
“Have I done something wrong?” Remus looked into Sirius’ eyes, the eyes he’d been so eager to avoid, so grey they almost seemed blue. He saw the raw concern etched in them, the way Sirius was letting them brim with emotion when he usually hid all of it behind a charismatic smile and a holier-than-thou look.
“Pads, everything’s fine,” Remus answered, a little too fast. Sirius paid it no mind. His hand grabbed Remus’, and he locked their fingers together. Remus tried truly hard not to blush at the contact, eager for it, but he only half-succeeded. Merlin, he’d missed touching the other boy casually, missed the way Sirius was always finding ways to do it.
“Don’t lie to me, Moons. Why have you been avoiding me?” his tone was rough, but his eyes remained gentle.
How was he supposed to explain it to him? That all he wanted to do whenever he saw Sirius was kiss him, run his hands through his hair, hold him? When he felt so full of love it was brimming out of him, begging to come out, begging to tell him and send everything else to hell? He couldn’t do any of that. Couldn’t risk losing Sirius in the only way he’d ever have him, as a friend.
So, instead, he’d tried running from him. And here they were, and now he’d hurt Sirius’ feelings, and everything was just too much. He always felt too raw after the full moon, too human where he’d been beast mere hours ago. Against his will, Remus felt his eyes fill with tears. He immediately looked up and gulped, trying to hide them, to will them back deep to where they came from. Merlin, he hated crying in front of people. Sirius watched all of it, watched as he rolled his eyes in an attempt to keep the tears in, as he bit his lip, as he finally gave up and lowered his gaze and said, in a small voice, “I’m so sorry.”
He felt the first tear roll down his cheek and swiped hastily at it, trying to hide it from view, as he made a distressed noise and turned around, so he’d be able to cry in peace. He did his best to cry quietly, hoping the other boy would take the hint and leave. Sirius, however, was having none of that. He felt the mattress dip beside him and in a second strong, small hand were enveloping him in a tight hug, tugging at him to turn him around.
The second he succumbed and turned, Sirius was there, gently cradling his head and driving it to the crook of his neck, hidden there. Remus cried and put his arms around Sirius, nuzzling his head in his neck, trying to stifle the broken sobs that fell out of his mouth. Merlin, he was so pathetic.
It was Sirius’ turn to make a small, distressed noise, as one of his hands enveloped Remus’ back and the other started running through his hair. “Don’t be sorry. I’m the one who should be sorry, my Moons. I shouldn’t have brought it up, not right now. It’s okay, please don’t cry, I’m sorry, Moons, it’s okay, shhh…” Sirius’ voice was gentle, if a little panicked, one hand massaging his scalp in soothing circles, the other one squeezing him like his life depended on it. Remus squeezed him even harder, closing his eyes, trying to stop the crying, allowing Sirius to slowly calm him down.
After his sobs subsided and the crying finally stopped, Remus broke the hug with Sirius and ran a hand through his hair, trying to force a smile to his face. “Merlin, I don’t know what came over me. Sorry, Pads.” He tried for nonchalance, even as he felt his eyes all puffy and the tears still stained his cheeks.
Sirius arched an eyebrow. “Moony, don’t you dare apologize to me for having feelings and actually letting some of them out, okay?” Remus’ shoulders slumped, and Sirius immediately caught his head in his hands, bringing it up so he could look at him. “It’s okay, I promise. You can cry about it all you want, I’ll be here through all of it, I promise, but please, my… Moons. Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
Sirius looked so worried, and so eager, and all Remus wanted to do was kiss him senseless. Instead, he closed his eyes, savoring the contact of Sirius’ palms in his face, putting his own hands in his shoulders to remain steady.
“Is it fair if I tell you I really don’t want to talk about it?” Sirius looked close to bursting to tears himself at that, so Remus sighed. “Okay, no, is it fair if I promise to tell you eventually?” Preferably in a few years, when you’re married and I’m over this infatuation, he added, drily, in his head. “I’m just… really spent right now, Pads.”
Something flashed in his eyes, so quick he couldn’t quite make it out, but then Sirius was smiling again, and the entire room seemed to brighten at that. “Yeah, Moons, I… yeah. I can live with that, as long as you stop ignoring me.” It was then he seemed to register his hands were still in Remus’ face, and he slowly removed them, his eyes never breaking contact with his. Remus, reluctantly, also took his hands from the other boy’s shoulders, putting them awkwardly in his own lap. “Just rest up, please. I’ll do your work for next week, and don’t you dare complain about that.” He actually pointed his finger at Remus, accusingly, shutting his complaints right up. He nodded, and Sirius smiled for a second.
They stayed like that for a few more minutes, just looking at each other, Remus feeling Sirius’ hands on top of his knees, feet barely touching one another in the tiny space the mattress had to offer.
It was Sirius who broke the silence, looking at Remus with an undecipherable expression in his eyes. “I mean it, Moons, okay? You can tell me anything and everything that goes through your mind. I’m never judging.”
Instead of bringing their lips together, like he desperately wanted to do, Remus enveloped Sirius in his arms again. This time, it was the raven-haired boy who hid his head in Remus’ neck, pulling him closer, as if to fuse their bodies together. Remus closed his eyes and let his chin rest atop Sirius’ head, and for a few moments, he allowed himself to pretend the smaller boy was truly his.
And then the hug was over, and reality set in. He reminded himself harshly that he and Sirius were nothing more than friends as the other boy walked out of the infirmary, his step much lighter than it had been when he’d arrived.