Flightless Bird

The next day, Lily and Remus went for a catch-up and a coffee at Madam Puddifoots, and he filled her in – not on whatever the fuck was going on between him and Sirius, but about James asking for them both to come to the New Year's party. 

He did touch on the matter of Sirius briefly, but only to mention that they had had yet another argument. He didn't know why he was resisting telling her the whole truth, but he did know he wasn't ready yet. 

Remus had also not told Lily about the situation with his dad. Honestly, she had enough going on right now without having to head about his personal messes. He had received another text from his dad asking to meet about the money just that morning, and he was struggling to pretend that everything was okay. 

“It's one thing for James to be everywhere at university,” said Lily, “But does he have to follow me here too?”

“I don't think he's following you,” Remus replied, “He's visiting Sirius.”

Sighing, Lily settled back in her chair, “It's annoying.”

“Annoying?”

“Distracting.”

“Right…” Remus smiled at her, and although he hadn't said anything, she fixed him with a poisonous glare. 

Behind her, the door to the cafe opened, and two people walked in. Clearing his throat, Remus said to Lily, “Speak of the Devil…”

“What?” She twisted around, and when she caught sight of James, she quickly averted her gaze back to Remus again, her cheeks suspiciously pink. Too late – James had spotted them and was heading straight for them. 

It wasn't just James. Sirius was there too, and he looked tired; there were dark circles under his eyes, and his hair was tousled as if he had just woken up. He did not seem particularly happy to see Remus, but there were no surprises there. Remus didn't want to see him either. He didn't need the reminder of what had happened the last time they had been alone in a room together. 

“Hi James,” Remus greeted James with a nod as James approached. He also glanced at Sirius, who raised his eyebrows, but Remus turned back to Lily without saying anything else. 

Lily swivelled in her seat again and this time smiled politely at the two boys; James grinned back so hard he started to look a little faint. He attempted to lean against one of the wooden pillars holding up the ceiling, although he didn't quite pull it off, and slipped. 

“Only you two this time?” said Lily, “Where's your nervous friend who tried to hit on Marlene?”

“Peter’s having a nap,” James told her. 

“Peter tried to hit on Marlene?” Remus repeated in disbelief, “How did I miss that?”

Lily smirked, “It was truly awful. He had a coughing fit half way through.”

“Smooth.”

James was still staring intently at Lily. He asked, “Looking forward to going back next term?” 

“Not at all,” she replied, “I've got so much work to do. It's revolting.”

“So I guess I'll be seeing you in the library then?”

Despite the way her mouth was twitching up at the corners, Lily sighed, “James, I don't need more hot chocolate.”

He lifted a shoulder, “It can't hurt though, right?” 

Over Lily’s head, Remus glanced at Sirius again, only to find he was already looking at him. Shifting in his seat, Remus frowned down at the table, stirring at the last few sips of his coffee. 

“It's just not necessary,” Lily pointed out. 

He replied jovially, “It’s a complimentary service.”

“Shit, that reminds me,” Lily said, suddenly, sitting up straight, “I told my dad I'd pick up his package from the post office. What time is it?”

James fumbled to look at his watch, “Four-thirty.”

“I'd better go now,” she stood up, swinging her bag onto her shoulder, and pressing a kiss to Remus’ forehead, “We'll meet later, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he fished his book out from his coat pocket and put it down on the table, “Don't worry about me, I've got Hemingway.”

“I'll come with you!” James said, and Sirius drove his elbow into James' side, but James pushed him away, still smiling widely, “I've, uh– got to buy stamps.”

Lily folded her arms, tossing her red hair back from her face, “Stamps?”

“Yeah!” He nodded eagerly, “Lots of stamps. It's urgent, actually. We'll walk there together.”

“Are you seriously leaving me here?” hissed Sirius in his ear, loud enough for everyone to hear, but Lily just rolled her eyes, and strode towards the door. 

James patted Sirius on the back, and rushed after her to fall into her stride, looking extremely pleased with himself as they passed through the door and onto the street. 

“Idiot,” muttered Sirius, and he turned to look at Remus as if they would share some sort of long-suffering glance, but instead, Remus picked up his book, and turned to his bookmarked page. 

“Who pissed in your cornflakes?” asked Sirius. 

Remus replied, “You did.”

“I feel like I would remember something like that,” Sirius grinned, far too brightly. Remus did not crack a smile, and Sirius sighed, studying his nails, “Ugh, Lupin. You're so boring.”

“Then fuck off,” Remus told him, quite politely, and he returned to reading his book. 

Sirius paused for a few moments, and despite instructions, continued to stand there and watch him. Then he said, “Does Lily know why you're pissy?”

“I'm not pissy.”

“‘Cause I could just ask her.”

“I'm not, and don't ask her, because she doesn't know anything, and then she'll ask me.”

“... Doesn't know anything about what?”

“My God, Black, I literally want to strangle you right now,” hissed Remus, slamming down his book, but he only succeeded in growing the width and arrogance of Sirius’ smile by a few inches. 

“I won't ask her if you just tell me first,” reasoned Sirius, and for a few seconds, Remus considered exactly what would happen if he tossed the remainder of his cold coffee in Sirius’ smirking face. 

“There's nothing to tell,” he said, eventually, and he looked away from Sirius, out of the fogged window, as he spoke, “I had a chat with my dad the other day, and he asked me to do something I don't want to do but it doesn't seem like I have much choice. It's not a big deal. I'm just– frustrated. Okay?”

It was a big deal. Remus knew it was a big deal, because everytime he thought about it, it made him feel sick to his stomach. 

Sirius was frowning now as he studied his expression, and he slipped down into the chair opposite him, “It sounds like you shouldn't do it.” 

“You would say that,” muttered Remus, and he reached to pick his novel back up, but Sirius put his hand down first, pinning the book against the table. 

“What’s that mean?” Sirius asked, his fingers tight against Remus’ wrist. Remus wondered if he could feel the quickening of Remus’ pulse as their skin touched, as Sirius was looking at him like that. 

“Come on. You don't have any concern for consequences. I can't imagine you doing anything you didn't want to. Maybe you just don't get it.” 

Sirius leaned forwards across the space between them, and his voice was soft, “Once again it astounds me how utterly stupid you can sound while still being so superior.”

Flushing, Remus resisted the panicked urge to pull away as their eyes lined up, their faces tilted towards each other. He replied, as coldly as he could muster despite the hot race of his heart, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Sirius’ smile was back, sharper than before, “You couldn't imagine the kinds of things I want to do, Remus Lupin.” 

The silence that followed stretched on, and Remus was suddenly forgetting where he was and what he was supposed to be doing. It took a few seconds for his brain to reconnect with reality. 

He cleared his throat, “So you're telling me you do understand self-restraint?”

“Try me,” said Sirius, and he drew back, tapping his nails rhythmically against the table, “What does your dad want?”

Remus raised an eyebrow, and replied, “Four grand.” 

“What?” Sirius sat up straight in his seat, staring at him with wide eyes, “What for?”

Despite himself, a flush of embarrassment crept into Remus’ cheeks. He should have never told Sirius anything. What the hell was wrong with him that meant he could tell the boy he hated about his problems, but not his own best friend?

“He gambles when he drinks,” he said quietly, “He owes it to some guys who are pretty serious about getting it back.”

“And he wants to borrow from you?”

Remus snorted, “Borrow is a generous word. I doubt I'll ever see that money again.”

“So you have it?”

“I have…” Remus paused, because he hadn't said it out loud since, and it was stuck in his throat, “I have my savings.”

“No,” Sirius said, immediately, “You're not doing it, Lupin.”

“Excuse me?”

Sirius gave him a look so disparaging that it almost stung, his eyebrows furrowed, “Are you an idiot? You're not seriously considering giving your dad all of your savings.”

“I don't have a choice,” snapped Remus, recoiling from the anger in Sirius’ expression, “And not only do you have no right to tell me I’m not doing it, you also know nothing about the situation, so–”

“I know that your savings are for university,” fired back Sirius, “I know you're working yourself to death to go, and now you want to just give it all up to solve someone else's mess–”

“It's not someone else, it's my dad, Sirius!”

“So? Say no! What could happen that's worth all your savings?”

“He could go to prison?” Remus said, although it was more of a shout, and the cashier of the cafe was most definitely staring at them now, “He could get hurt by the guys who want it?”

Sirius slammed his hand down, “Then he shouldn't have gambled! It's in the name! You gamble, you lose.”

“This is exactly why you should keep out of my fucking business,” muttered Remus, and he grabbed his book from the table, shooting to his feet. 

Standing up too, Sirius only watched as he strode towards the door, but Remus did not look back, even as Sirius called his name after him. 

“Remus! Come back!”

Remus had not agreed to meet with his dad yet. He hadn't even seen him around the village, although he still lived in fear of bumping into him and being forced into the conversation before he was ready to comprehend what it meant for his future. 

So far, he hadn't seen Sirius either, but he was dreading that too. It wasn't until the actual day of the New Year's party, when Remus was finishing up a midday shift at the Howl & Thistle, when the bell over the door rung, and James, Peter, and Sirius came in. 

James walked over to Remus first, practically skipping over to the counter. He asked, brightly, “Isn't it a beautiful day?”

Remus glanced outside through the bar’s windows at the pale sky choked with clouds, “Um. Sure.”

“Great day to have New Year's Party.”

“Technically it's the only day you can have a New Year's Party,” pointed out Remus, “It being– New Year's– and everything.” 

Whilst Peter had seemingly gone straight to the toilet, Sirius was slow to join James at the bar. He lingered just behind James, his arms folded, and he might have been looking at Remus; not that Remus would know, because he kept his own gaze trained on the opposite wall of the pub. 

“Hello,” said Sirius. Remus blinked, and when he did not reply, he added, “Can I grab a cup of Earl Grey? To take away.”

Clenching his jaw, Remus turned around and stiffly grabbed one of the takeaway cups from the shelf. As he rifled in the cupboard for the teabags, Sirius asked him, “Not talking to me?”

Remus replied, without turning around, “When am I ever talking to you?”

The door at the back of the pub opened, and Peter came out to join them. 

“Hi Remus,” he said, “Looking forward to the party later?”

“Sure.”

“Lily's definitely still coming right?” asked James. 

“Yes, James. She's still coming.”

Sirius, as if there was not already a conversation happening, said, “You’re being a little ridiculous.”

“You're being really irritating,” returned Remus as he splashed hot water into the cardboard cup, the liquid darkening. 

“He’s always irritating,” James added, “That's why we love him.”

“Poor you,” murmured Remus, and he pushed the cup of steaming tea towards Sirius, whose grey eyes narrowed.

“Can I get service with a smile please?” he asked. 

Remus regarded him with the blankest expression he could possibly muster, and they both stood there, staring at each other unblinkingly, until Sirius rolled his eyes, and picked up the cup. 

“I'll be outside,” he said to James, who was doing his best to not look awkward about the whole situation, and failing miserably. 

Peter, on the other hand, glanced between Sirius’ retreating figure, and Remus, “What's going on?”

“Nothing,” Remus muttered. 

“Don't worry about it, Pete,” James told him, and he turned back to Remus, “I guess I'll pay for his tea then.”

“It’s just tea. Don't worry about it.”

“Cheers, mate. We'll see you this evening?”

“Yeah. I guess.”

James winked at him, “You mean you know, right? That you're coming?”

When Remus cast him a mildly despairing look, he only laughed, wrapped an arm around Peter’s shoulders, and steered him towards the door. 

“I'll definitely be picking up more shifts next month,” said Marlene as they turned down a narrow, over-grown lane.

The three of them were dressed for the New Year's Party, which naturally meant they were in clothes definitely not appropriate for the freezing weather, and they were shivering as they picked their way over puddles. Remus wasn’t wearing anything special - a graphic tee and ripped jeans - but he certainly was wishing for a jumper now. 

“How come?” Lily asked. 

“I accidentally bought a really expensive dress and my savings have taken a hit.” 

Remus repeated, “Accidentally?” 

“Yeah.”

“You could always return it,” Lily told Marlene. 

Marlene scowled, “Over my dead body.” 

“What happened to going to Italy in January?”

As they turned the corner, the faint ebb of music pulsed in the distance. They had reached the low sloping hill that led up to Grimmauld Manor. Remus’ heart began to thump against his rib-cage. 

“I'm going in February now,” Marlene announced. 

“It will still be cold,” Lily reminded her, and Marlene only shrugged. 

“Are there going to be any hot men here tonight?” she asked Remus instead. 

“Why are you asking me?” He said with a sigh. 

“Because last time you took us to one of these things, the only hot men there were either,” she began to count on her fingers, “a. gay, b. obsessed with Lily, or c. compulsively sweaty.” 

Remus laughed, but Lily only scoffed, “Hold on. No one there was obsessed with me.”

“Uh. James? Hello?” Marlene hooked her arm through hers, and Lily rolled her eyes. 

“That doesn't count,” she said, “We all know that's just James' little joke he likes to play on me “

“Do we?” replied Marlene, raising her eyebrows, “That is not the impression I was under.”

“Me neither,” added Remus. As the group reached the front path of the manor house, it was clear it was already filled up with people from the laughter and music that drifted down to them. They stopped to catch their breath; Marlene leaned her whole body weight against him, groaning. 

“Someone like James wouldn't have any interest in someone like me,” Lily said firmly, “He went to private school. He has a trust fund.”

Marlene squinted at her, “So?”

Lily frowned, combing a hand through a tangle in her red hair, “So, we're different people.”

“Too different?” asked Marlene, and Remus turned his gaze back towards the house; the pillars, the sculpted hedges, the elaborate stone carvings. 

Just like James, Sirius was from an entirely different world. A world full of endless opportunity, excellent schools, beautiful clothes and beautiful furniture and beautiful people. It was not a world without difficulty or danger or tragedy, but it was distinctly different from the one Remus lived in. Only now was he realizing how much weight he had put on the discrepancies between them. 

Even when Sirius had kissed him, that feeling had clawed at him; the fear that this was all just a joke played on him by a person who saw him as inferior. Less than. That he was a disposable way to pass the time. 

How much of that belief was true? And how much of it was his own insecurities? 

“You alright?” said Lily, and Remus was suddenly aware that he had been staring off towards the house without saying anything. 

Pushing a smile onto his face, he nodded, and replied, “Should we go in?”

Inside, the air was hot, and it smelled like vodka, beer, and the cigarettes from the few people standing outside smoking. Music boomed from a speaker, although Remus does not recognize any of the songs. The three of them navigated themselves to a part of the living room that was less crowded. 

Unlike last time they had been here, James did not bound over to see them straight away. To Remus’ surprise, although he stood just across the room, he only looked over at them, and offered a small smile. When Remus glanced at Lily’s face, she was wearing an odd, uncomfortable expression. 

“What's going on there?” asked Marlene, who had of course also noticed. 

“What?” muttered Lily, adjusting the strap of her top. 

Remus said, “You and James.”

“Oh,” she cleared her throat, “Okay, well. I didn't want to say before because we were coming here but I saw James yesterday and he told me he had feelings for me.”

“What!?” Marlene exclaimed, so loudly that Lily slapped a hand over her mouth, her green eyes blown wide. Wrestling free, Marlene whipped around to poke a sharp-nailed finger into Lily’s shoulder. “How could you not mention that?”

Lily pressed her lips together, “It's not relevant.”

“It is a bit relevant,” reasoned Remus, “What did you say?”

“No, of course,” she replied, firmly, “I told him I don't feel the same. I don't have time for that. He's at the same university as me. That's a recipe for disaster.”

“Lily!” groaned Marlene, “No! He's hot.”

“That is not enough to convince me.”

Remus studied her face, “Well, do you feel the same? Or is that just what you said to James?”

“It doesn't matter,” she replied, although Remus had known her long enough to see that the way her arms were folded told a very different story, “The point is, that's what I said. And he's clearly keeping his distance, so. It's fine.”

Marlene frowned at her, “It is not fine. It is a waste.”

“Leave it alone,” Remus said to Marlene, and she whines mournfully like a dog forbidden treats. 

Meanwhile, Remus searched the crowd, and quickly found the person he was looking for. Sirius was standing across the room, talking to someone who may as well not have existed because Remus’ focus was fixed to Sirius; his hair fell in beautiful, inky curls tonight, and he wore a dark shirt that was only half buttoned up his chest with a pair of faded jeans. 

Sirius’ eyes, sharp and gorgeous, drifted over the person's head, and for the first time, he saw Remus. He held Remus’ gaze as he brought his cup up to his mouth and took a sip. 

A few more minutes passed, where Remus pretended to nod along, painfully distracted, before he caught a glimpse of Sirius' excusing himself and heading towards the kitchen. And maybe it was the shots they had taken before coming here burning a hole in his common sense or maybe it was the garbled epiphany he had outside the house, but Remus slipped away from Lily and Marlene. 

When Remus opened the door to the kitchen and stepped inside, Sirius turned his head towards him. He was leaned up against the counter, practically lounging, as if he had almost expected company. 

“Lupin,” Sirius acknowledged, “Are you finished being pissy?”

“Maybe.” 

His eyes trailed down the length of Remus’ body, “You look…”

Sirius was silent for long enough that Remus raised an eyebrow, “Is there an end to that sentence?”

Sirius said, “Passable.”

“High praise.”

“Had a drink yet? Peter’s brewed his own vodka. It might kill us all.”

“Only just got here so no.”

Rolling his eyes, Sirius walked towards the cabinets at the other side of the kitchen. He asked, “Got any resolutions?”

Remus followed him over reluctantly, “Not sure yet.”

“I've got a few suggestions,” said Sirius. The smirk was almost audible in his voice. 

Before Remus could reply, Sirius turned away, stretching for one of the last glasses on the highest shelf. His fingertips were just short of it by a few inches. Remus reached past him and picked it up, bringing it down to push it into Sirius’ grip. Neither of them moved for a moment; Sirius’ back was pressed against his chest, and he could feel him breathing.

Remus’ mouth grazed the top of Sirius’ ear. He said, “Oh, I'm sure you do.” 

Placing the glass down on the counter, Sirius faced him. Slowly. His fingers trailed across Remus’ wrist, painted nails scraping the soft underside. A shiver ran through Remus as his hand slipped further up his bare arm. 

“For example,” Sirius murmured. His eyes were dark now, his eyelashes casting long shadows across his cheek, “You should resolve to be more hospitable. You have the worst customer service skills I have ever seen.”

“Yeah?” said Remus, and he brushed a curl back from Sirius’ forehead as Sirius tilted his chin up towards him, “I think it would help if your resolution was to stop showing up where you’re not wanted.”

Sirius’ gaze swept across him, down the length of his body, to the places where they were an inch from touching. He asked, “What about right now? Do you want me here now?” 

When Remus did not speak, words trapped in his throat, Sirius’ eyebrows twitched upwards. He leaned away, against the counter, putting space between them. 

“No?” he mocked lightly, “Should I leave?”

“You talk too much,” Remus said, and he dug his fingers into the dip of his waist, underneath his shirt, his skin burning hot; he pulled Sirius back towards him. 

Pink had fanned across Sirius’ cheeks, and for the first time, he did not look at Remus, “Lupin.” 

“What?” 

“Don't start,” he said, low. Dangerously. 

“I'm not starting anything,” Remus told him, softly. You were the one who started this– 

The door to the living room opened, light and music and chatter pouring in, and Sirius shoved him away just as Lily and Marlene came in, laughing arm in arm.

“Uh oh,” giggled Marlene, “Are we interrupting?”

“No,” said both Remus and Sirius at the same time. 

“Lupin was just boring the hell out of me,” Sirius interjected, and he picked the glass back up from the counter– the one meant for Remus, “But, hey. Saved by the bell.”

Of course Remus was boring him. 

Clenching his jaw, Remus turned his head to followed him as he crossed the room and walked towards the dining table. He unscrewed a bottle of rum and poured out some of the dark liquid. 

“Remus could never be boring!” Lily protested, her green eyes narrowing. 

“Well,” Sirius shrugged, and he paused in the doorway, his gaze cold as it landed back on Remus, “I guess you just don’t know him like I do.”

For the rest of the party, Remus did not speak to Sirius. Not by his own choice– Sirius wouldn't even look at him, and he spent most of his time talking to other groups of people. Against his better judgement, Remus found himself watching Sirius, watching every laugh he pulled from strangers’ mouths, every person who was getting a little too close for comfort. 

He continued to pour himself more drinks. He knew he probably shouldn't. There was a deep ache in his chest every time he saw Sirius across a crowded room. But everything was fine. Perfect, even. He spent most of the evening with Lily and Marlene, and eventually, James and Peter did come over to say hello. 

While Peter stared anxiously at Marlene, James cleared his throat and smiled at Lily, “So… how's the party?”

“Fine,” she said, “Um. Good.”

Marlene leaned over to Lily, and whispered in a voice dripping with sarcasm, “You’re doing great.”

After a few more seconds of standing there aimlessly, James ducked his head and excused himself, leaving Peter there with them. Chewing down on her bottom lip, Lily glanced over at Remus, and he squeezed at her hand. 

At eleven, there was a newcomer to the party – Benji, who came in with a crate of beer and made a beeline straight for Remus. 

“I heard you'd be here,” he said, slinging an arm around Remus’ shoulders with a grin. 

“You're late, Fenwick!” Marlene told him cheerfully, “It's going to be midnight in like an hour.”

“I'm in high demand,” replied Benji. He wrestled one of the beers from the packaging and popped open the tab, “I was at a friend's party. I left to come here.” 

Remus took another sip of his drink, “You didn't have to do that.”

Benji gave a little squeeze, “I wanted to.” 

Out of the corner of Remus' eye, he scanned the crowd for Sirius, and at first could not find him– and then he spotted a head of dark curls by the kitchen door, and saw that Sirius was standing there speaking with James. As Remus watched, James’ gaze darted towards where he, Benji, Peter, and the girls were standing. Sirius glanced towards them as well, but his expression was unreadable. 

Fine. Whatever. 

Remus turned back to Marlene, “You were saying you were going to stay in hostels, right?”

“Right, hostels,” Marlene nodded, “Hostels are sexy.”

Lily barely suppressed her laugh, “Said no-one ever.”

“Young, beautiful strangers, all staying in a room together,” sighed Marlene wistfully. “That's hot.”

“Um. Sure,” said Remus. Peter let out a small, nervous laugh, and when Marlene looked at him, he went back to studying the bottom of his own glass, his ears bright pink. 

“I agree with you,” Benji told Marlene, taking a sip of his beer, “Sounds like a good time to me.”

After a while, the group migrated to the sofas, which almost felt too fancy to sit on with their embroidered fabric and stiff curtains. Marlene spilled a few drops of her drink on one of the seats, and promptly sat on it to hide the evidence. The clock was closing in on midnight. 

For the second time, James appeared over Marlene’s shoulder. Remus was beginning to wonder if there was more to James's apparent determination to be a gracious host tonight. James said, “Hi again.”

“Hello,” said Lily, and to Remus’ surprise, she moved further up the sofa, squishing into Remus’ side, “Would you like to sit down?”

Although the invitation was painfully polite, James only hesitated for a few seconds before gently taking the seat next to Lily. Marlene and Remus exchanged a glance, but said nothing. 

A few drinks later, James and Lily had seemingly forgotten their awkwardness, because they were locked in a fierce debate that no one else understood about soft power versus hard power. Peter was telling Remus and Benji the names of his three cats, and Marlene snorted with laughter every time James or Lily said the words hard power. 

After Peter had finished telling them about Arwen, Pippin, and Gimli, he drew in a deep breath, and then started blurting out the whole thing to Marlene. She did not seem impressed, and made no efforts to twist her face into an expression of interest. 

When Peter dived into an explanation of exactly who Pippin was, Remus stood up. Once he was on his feet, his world tilted. He could practically taste the level of alcohol in his blood, his stomach flipping over. 

Remus swayed as he pushed his way through the small crowd, although he managed to stay on his feet long enough to make it into the hallway. The air was colder and fresher out here, and the noise of the party muffled. He leaned against the wall, and closed his eyes. 

He wasn't sure how long time had passed before he heard the door to the living room creak open again. He inched one eye open to see Benji walking towards him down the corridor, and sighed. 

“What are you doing out here?” asked Benji as he drew nearer, and he showed no hesitation in stepping in between Remus’ legs, “It's nearly midnight, you know.”

“I know,” Remus said, gazing down at the carpet, tracing the floral patterns. 

“Can I tell you something?” Benji smoothed a thumb over Remus’ shoulder, as if smoothing down some invisible wrinkle in his t-shirt, “I only came here tonight because of you.”

Remus frowned, “Yeah?” 

“I wanted to see if I could finally get you alone,” he grinned, “And I have.”

“Right,” murmured Remus, and he took another sip from his cup. 

His head was light. His stomach lurched. What was Sirius doing right now? Remus wished he wasn't here. Maybe he could go and lie down in the library. Be with the books. Shit, he was drunk. 

“Ten, nine…” 

The countdown to the new year had started. He probably shouldn't be out here. He was supposed to get Lily and Marlene and count down with them. 

“I should find my friends,” he told Benji. 

“Eight, seven…”

Benji smiled, and his grip was still tangled in Remus’ shirt, “Aren't I your friend?”

“Six, five, four…”

Was Benji his friend? Remus frowned down at the carpet. The intricate patterns of flowers were dancing. Were they meant to dance? He wondered what it would be like to dance with Sirius.

“Three, two, one!”

“Happy New Year,” Benji said, and Remus finally raised his chin, and as he did, Benji kissed him. 

It was a fine kiss. It was simple. A New Year’s sort of kiss, Remus thought, at first, until it wasn't. Until the cheers and whoops from the next room faded out, and they were still kissing– that is to say, Benji was still kissing him, and Remus was there also, and he was kissing him back. Mostly because he wasn't sure what else to do. What a shitty reason to kiss someone. He wondered if the library had Alice in Wonderland. He always loved that book. 

Suddenly, Remus realized he was still holding his drink, although most of it was spilling over his fingers. He pulled away, which Benji took as an opportunity to kiss his neck instead. 

“We could go to a bathroom,” Benji said, his voice low, his body pushed right up against his own, “Yeah?”

Remus’ spine prickled. He put a hand to Benji's shoulder, forcing some distance as his eyes tracked up the length of the corridor. Blinking, his vision swum, rippling like petrol in water, before it focused on a silhouette; someone was standing there and watching them. 

“Sirius,” Remus blurted out. 

Sirius turned on his heel and left. 

“Fuck,” Remus pushed at Benji’s chest to get himself free from where he was pinned against the wall, and he stumbled away a few steps, his eyes wide.  

“What are you doing?” Benji snapped, “What's wrong with you?”

Remus told him, “I'm going back in,” and headed for the door to the living room. After being in the cool shadows of the corridor, the warm glow of the living room was sobering. His head was still heavy, and his heart was thumping, and his mouth was numb, but he was able to catch up to Sirius before he could disappear into the crowd. 

“Black,” he said, grabbing Sirius’ shoulder and twisting him back around, “Hold on–” 

“Get off me,” hissed Sirius, and his eyes flashed like lightning breaking through clouds as he ripped his arm away. His voice was tight and cold, “I didn't mean to interrupt you.” 

“Happy New Year!” James had popped up to their left, with an almost elf-like grin, and Remus and Sirius both stepped back from each other almost instantly. “How are we doing guys?”

“What?” Sirius cast him a sharp stare, “Fine. Fucking- fine. Okay?”

“Huh,” said James, tilting his head, “Now, stop me if I'm wrong, and I may well be, but you don't actually seem fine–” 

As if matters weren't already bad enough, Benji had followed him from the hallway and he made his way straight towards them, scowling. He looked at Remus as he asked, “What’s going on?”

Remus glanced towards James and Sirius; James was frowning at Benji as if he was trying to remember where he knew him from, and Sirius– Sirius stood with his arms folded, his eyes trained on Benji like he was plotting a particularly vicious and gruesome murder. 

Clearing his throat, Remus began, “Nothing. Benji, I’m not–”

“There you are, mate!” cheered a voice, and Remus startled at the sudden and loud intrusion, “Macdonald said you were here.”

Jesus fucking Christ, there were people appearing from everywhere. Remus really was struggling to breathe now. 

“Gil,” Benji greeted him, his gaze sliding carefully between Remus and the other boy, who Remus realized was the blonde Gil Lockhart he had served at the bar. “You found me then.”

“This party sucks. Let's get a drink,” Gil grinned, blithely unaware of Sirius standing to his left; it was only James whose mouth rounded in indignation. His eyes narrowing, Gil spared a glance over at Remus, “Where do I know you from?” 

“Nowhere, mate. I'll see you in the kitchen,” Benji interrupted, nodding in the direction of the cold yellow light in the other room, “Yeah?” 

“This is a good party!” James called after him as he left towards the kitchen, but he didn't show any sign of having heard over the low thrum of the music. 

Remus turned towards Benji, “Is he by chance one of the friends that would have taken the piss out of you for talking to me at school?” 

“I don't think I said that,” Benji shrugged. 

“You definitely did.”

“Right, well. I mean, come on,” He smirked, “We would have been called Barmy Benji and Loony Lupin.”

There's a hush of awkward silence. Remus stood there, staring at Benji, painfully aware of the warmth that had rushed into his face, and of the way his chest had begun to squeeze, the tightness of his throat. 

“You should leave, man,” said James, and to Remus’ surprise, his face portrayed no sense of humor. 

Chuckling, Benji scanned his expression, and then Remus’, before throwing his hands up in the air, “What? Take a fucking joke!”

Out of the corner of Remus’ eye, there was a blur of movement one second, and then the next, Benji’s head snapped right back. He cried out, clutching at his nose as he stumbled backwards. 

Sirius drew back, shaking out his fist. 

“What the fuck?” 

As Benji straightened, blood trickling from his nose, he made a lunge for Sirius, but James pushed his way in between them. He seized hold of Sirius' shoulder before he could close any more distance. 

“Get your shit together,” said James, his voice the hardest Remus had ever heard it, “You guys aren't children.”

He pushed Sirius back with the nudge of an elbow to his chest, jerking his head towards the side door, “Walk it off.”

“Fuck off,” Sirius muttered, although it wasn't clear who it was directed at. He did not even spare another glance at Benji, and especially not at Remus. After hauling the door open, he strode away, out into the darkness beyond. 

From out of the crowd of blurred faces, a mane of red hair and Lily’s concerned face swam towards him. She took his hand, asking, “Remus? What's happening?”

“I can't explain now,” he blurted out, “I have to– I have to go.”

“Remus–”

“I'll talk to you later.”

James was looking at him too now, but Remus did not wait to hear his and Lily’s questions, or to listen to Benji as he started to loudly complain. He turned, pushing through the lingering people, and headed straight for the door himself. 

The air outside was so freezing that it was almost painful, and Remus wished he had picked up his coat, but he didn't have time. He squinted through the night, guided only by the soft glow of the moon through the trees. There was a flicker of movement to his left; Sirius’ shadow, heading towards the trees that hugged the back of the house, getting further away. 

“Sirius–” Remus called after him, picking up his pace, “Wait.”

“Don’t, Lupin,” Sirius said, turning around, as if he had known who it was just from his footsteps. “I don’t want to talk to you, okay?”

Remus blinked, “You hit Benji for me but you don't want to speak to me?”

“It wasn't– it wasn’t for you.”   

“Then why did you do it?”

“Because he pisses me off, that's why,” snapped Sirius, and he was pacing, back and forth between the trees as Remus stood there, watching him, “Because he said something shitty and because he's an asshole. Almost as much as an asshole as you.” 

“Oh really?” Remus shot back, “So how come you didn't hit me?”

“I don't know!” Sirius yelled, so loudly that Remus startled backwards, “How come you fucking kissed him?”

Remus’ breath caught in his chest. He took another step away, and his head felt as if it might just drift away from his shoulders. 

“What?” stammered Remus, “I– what?”

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, “Go away, Remus.”

Staring at him, Remus desperately searched his face, but found nothing. He shook his head, and said, his voice shaking, “You said that kissing me was a mistake. You said you shouldn't!”

“It was! And I shouldn't! But then you–” he bit out a twisted, angry laugh, “You know what? I fucking meant it when I said I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see your face. Just– stay away from me.” 

“I don't even like Benji, Sirius. I don't even want him–”

“I don't care.”

“You don’t get to make me feel bad about this,” hissed Remus, “I haven’t done anything wrong. One minute you kiss me, and then you can’t even stand to be near me–”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Sirius muttered, his gaze stubbornly fixed on the shadow of the house behind them. 

“Then explain it to me!” yelled Remus, “Then tell me, for fucks sake!” 

“I–” He drew in a deep breath, and although his voice shook, he was rooted in place as he replied, “I can't.” 

Remus didn't know what to say. What he could say. He was still pitifully drunk and his stomach hurt and he wanted to kill Sirius and kiss Sirius at the same time. Sirius turned away again, his head bent low as he massaged at his own red knuckles. 

Remus’ gaze flickered down, “Did you hurt your hand?”

Burning through the dark, Sirius’ eyes flickered back up to Remus again, and stayed there for a few moments longer, before he began walking towards him. But he did not stop. He kept on going, past Remus, until he reached the open side door. 

“Happy fucking New Year,” he said, and then went back inside.