You sat in a dimly lit apartment, staring blankly at the screen of your laptop. The warm light of the fairy lights on the windowsill beside you contrasted the bright screen in front of you uncomfortably, but you didn’t want to sit in the dark. The screen was too bright, only increasing the dull throb on your forehead that had been bothering you the entire day. You had taken painkillers, maybe two or three, you weren’t even sure at this point. Natasha would scold you softly if she knew that you had once again ignored the instructions on the prescription.
At the thought of your girlfriend, you felt a tiny warm sensation in your chest. If only the thought would help with your looming stress and overwhelmness at all. Thinking of her wasn’t enough, you needed her. You needed to feel Natasha’s warmth, feel her solid, safe presence. Natasha was always so steady, anchoring you in a way no one or nothing else could. But she wasn’t home yet, and you would never bother her while she was at work. Not that calling her would even be enough right now.
You didn’t even realize your empty gaze was directed at the wall again. You shrugged your head, flicking a finger against your temple. Focus.
You forced yourself to concentrate on the screen in front of you. The essay wasn’t going to write itself, no matter how you wished it would. Luckily, the deadline was still two days ahead, but you knew you should have started earlier. You had actually planned to start two weeks ago, but somehow your habit of procrastinating had taken over.
You stared at the half empty document in front of you. In the span of five hours, you had managed to write three paragraphs. In no circumstances was it considered enough, and knowing that you had to write five pages, the amount you had managed to produce felt almost worthless. It’s a start, you thought, but the words felt almost mocking. This wasn’t going anywhere.
Once again, your thoughts started drifting before you even realized it. You knew you should be grateful for even getting into university in the first place. You enjoyed studying, you felt passionate about your degree, you knew you wouldn’t change a thing, but that didn’t change the fact that sometimes it was simply too stressful. And you weren’t the best at handling stress.
It always made you overwhelmed, and being overwhelmed made you shut down. It was impossible to focus, your brain felt foggy, your mind was all over the place. Your head felt too empty and too crowded at the same time, and you just couldn’t think straight no matter how hard you tried. You couldn’t get things done, and that frustrated you greatly.
It wasn’t just your mind that felt the stress though. Your whole body felt either too sluggish or too tense. Either you couldn’t do anything than stay curled in the corner of the couch, or you paced around the apartment, stimming with your fingers with your mind racing. There was no in between.
You were once again pulled from your thoughts, but this time, it was the sound of the door opening and closing. You could hear sounds of shuffling, then footsteps. Natasha was home.
“Baby?” she called out from the entryway. Before you could think of what to answer, she stepped into the room. “Moya lyubov', why are you sitting in the dark?”
Your brows furrowed. It wasn’t that dark, was it? The fairy lights were on, after all. You looked back at her, but didn’t say anything.
Natasha watched you for a moment, taking in the sight of you. You were curled on the couch with your laptop on top of your thighs. Your hands were stimming, fingers tapping against each other, and your gaze was focused on Natasha, but something about it felt just a little too empty. She could see that you were probably cold, from the way you had goosebumps all over your arms, but you still hadn’t taken the soft blanket that sat on the edge of the couch. Natasha’s posture relaxed slightly, and it was like she could see right through you.
She walked over to you, grabbed the blanket, and sat down beside you. She draped her arm on the backrest of the couch behind your head, but her hand didn’t touch you yet. At that moment, you realized you hadn’t said a word.
“I had a headache,” you mumbled, not really knowing why that was the first thing that came to your mind.
Natasha’s face turned into a small, worried frown. Her hand brushed your hair from your face, tucking the strands behind your ear.
“Did you take a painkiller?” she asked. Her eyes studied your face, reading your lack of expressions.
“Mhm…,” you hummed and nodded your head slightly afterwards.
“How many?” Natasha asked, knowing you had a habit of ignoring the instructions on the prescription. You turned your gaze down back to the laptop that still sat on top of your thighs.
“Like… Three I guess,” you mumbled. You heard a small sigh, and felt Natasha’s arm move closer to the back of your neck.
“Love, you know you shouldn’t take more than two in a day,” she lectured softly.
“Sorry… Just thought it would help,” you answered with your head down. Your finger started tracing your knuckles absentmindedly.
Natasha’s gaze assessed you for a moment. She knew you well enough to know you were stressed, and definitely feeling overwhelmed. She had seen the signs for days. Natasha looked at the screen of your laptop, seeing the essay you had been working on. In the corner of the document, she saw the small text, saying that the last edit had been made over an hour ago.
Natasha seemed to always know what you needed, even though you rarely expressed it out loud. And this time was no exception.
She reached forward, taking the laptop from you. She made sure that the document had been saved, and then closed the device and placed it on the coffee table.
“Come here, malysh,” she said softly, and pulled you closer until you were resting against her side. You made no effort to resist, as you just let your body slump against her. You laid your head on her chest and let out a small sigh. Natasha draped the blanket over your frame, wrapping it around you in the way she knew you liked it. She wrapped her arms around you, bringing you even closer until your body was flush against her.
She placed a kiss on the top of your head and started rubbing your back in a slow, soothing motion. Your fingers wrapped around the edge of the blanket, your fist clenching and unclenching around the fabric as your eyes kept staring into nothing.
Natasha knew you needed steadiness, a calm, quiet moment with lots of comfort. But before she’d let you drift off to being non-verbal, she had to make sure you were okay in the aspects which she could directly help with.
“Did you have anything to eat?” she asked and started carding her fingers through your hair, careful not to tug on the soft strands.
You nodded a little against her chest.
“Had instant soup. And toast,” you specified, knowing that it made Natasha smile.
“Good girl,” she whispered, and laid another small kiss on the top of your head. Her arms tightened around you, making sure that you were snugly in her hold.
“You can worry about that essay later, okay? Let me just take care of you now,” she said softly, continuing to stroke your hair.
You managed to let out a small hum of agreement, and nodded against her chest again. You had wanted to have this moment of safety and comfort for the whole day, so you wouldn’t even think about disagreeing with her. Not that resisting would even be possible, Natasha knew you needed this, and she wasn’t going to let you suffer alone.
“You can close your eyes if you want to… I’m here baby. I’m not leaving, you can just be now,” she whispered and placed another kiss on the top of your head. You nuzzled your face closer to her chest, and for the first time in a while, you let yourself relax in her hold. You were right where you were meant to be.
“Let’s just take a moment now, hm?”