“You’re so good, Moony.”
“No I’m not.” Remus replied, still looking down at his hands in his lap.
“No but you are.” Sirius replied in earnest. God how does he not see it.
“You are so good. You help younger students find their footing, and they look up to you. You help Peter calm down after a bad maths lesson. Help Lily with literally anything, but I think that’s just because she bats her big green eyes at you.”
Remus huffed a laugh but didn’t look up. Sirius wanted him to look up. To see him.
“Everything you do is so good. The way you take your tea-”
“You hate the way I take my tea.” Remus interjected but Sirius would not be stopped.
“The way you stick your tongue out slightly when you concentrate. The way you talk to teachers, and the books you read. You’re so good, so smart too. It’s like you know everything. You have the wisdom of an 80 year old man in a 16 year old body. I like that about you. Cause you’re patient with me, you’re good.”
“All right I get it. I’m good.” Remus finally looked up at him and Sirius’s breath caught for a second. He poured deep into Remus’s eyes, like he was seeing him for the first time, every time. That’s what it felt like to love Moony.
“You’re good.” Sirius tried to use his eyes to tell him more sternly.
A long moment of silence passed between them. The two of them just sat on Remus’s four poster bed, listening to the sound of each other’s beating hearts.
“I don’t think I’m very good.” Sirius whispered this time he was looking down at his lap.
“Sirius, you-”
“No,” he stopped him, “I’m not asking for a compliment. I’m just talking. I don’t think I’ve ever been good. Like I feel wrong all the time. Like my base instinct is to be wrong. For example, any time I get angry I feel like I have to scream at the top of my lungs. Almost like my body is being filled with water and if I don’t open my top then I’m going to burst like a dam. I try so hard to not be like them but maybe I am. I’m no good, I scrape myself raw until everyone around me is forced to do the same. I like Prongs, and Wormy. I like you. I like our friends because you all have qualities that I want. I wish I could just piece myself back together with all of you. Never to be me again, then maybe this gaping hole of wrongness would disappear. Then I think, what if it never disappears, what if I’m angry forever? I don’t think I could handle being angry forever. It would kill me.”
Sirius’s whole body stilled. Remus had reached his hands out to hold his own. Sirius looked down at their interlaced fingers and thought what if just for a second. Sirius raised his eyes to see that Remus was already staring back at him. He could have thrown up. Remus was looking at him like there was nothing left in this world, only the two of them forever and ever.
“Can I tell you a secret?” Remus whispered.
“Please.”
“I’ll be angry with you forever, just so I can show you how good you are.”
“Please don’t say something like that.” Sirius rolled his head to keep the pain of despair from washing over him.
“Like what?”
Sirius paused and then said. “Like you see me.”
“I do see you,” Remus replied carefully, “I see you.”
Sirius turned his head to scoff but before he could do anything more Remus’s hand shot from their intertwined grasps and to the sides of his face. He felt his head shoot back towards Remus’s as warm lips were placed on his own. His whole body felt like a plug had been cut and sparks were flying everywhere. Remus pulled back because Sirius realized he took too long to respond to the kiss. But before Remus could get any further Sirius held onto his forearms and kissed him back vigorously. They fell back onto the bed, Sirius laying on top of Remus. Sirius could have cried. He felt like crying or laughing, he wasn’t sure. His whole body sang with the idea that Remus was touching him, kissing him. No one else. Sirius had his full attention, his full heart. And what a beautiful heart it was. Sirius would cherish it forever and ever.
Remus pulled back slightly, mumbling around Sirius’s lips, “Please let me show you.”
Sirius sat up a little straighter, now straddling Remus’s middle. Remus reached and tucked a piece of fringe out of Sirius’s face. Sirius bit his lip, feeling his cheeks flush, and nodded. Remus smiled up at him and Sirius felt good for the first time.