Barty's secret
September 14th 1977
Two weeks of school had passed and Barty couldn't wait for the end.
Not that he didn't like being at Hogwarts, but classes were eating at him from the inside, and he had an uneasy feeling. A feeling of not being satisfied with his current situation, and yet not knowing what he would want.
He liked Hogwarts, but he hated classes. He didn't want to leave and go home to his absent father and weeping mother. He just wanted things to stop.
He wanted a break from life for once.
All day, he was irritable and angry, and he didn't know why.
On this chilly autumn night, he had painfully climbed the hundreds of steps to the top of the Astronomy Tower. He liked it up here. There was never a soul, you could enjoy the view as far as your eyes could see, and you could smoke without being caught.
He lit his second cigarette of the night, leaning on the railing that separated him from a free fall.
Quietly, a tear rolled on his cheek. Then another. And another. Soon, Barty was sobbing, gripping the railing so hard that his knuckles blanched.
Over the sound of his sobs, Barty didn't hear the footsteps behind him until Evan put an arm around his shoulder.
"What's wrong?"
Barty shook his head: he didn't know. Somehow, his friend understood.
It was like that with Barty and Evan sometimes. The two boys were almost synced, as if when one was feeling down, the other either also felt bad or knew exactly what to do.
"Yeah, I feel like that sometimes. Like the world has no meaning, and no matter what you do, you just want to scream and stop existing for a while." Evan confessed in a murmur.
"When that happens I just tell myself to take it one step at the time. Everything seems impossible when you try to do it all at once."
"And you know," he added after a short pause, "I go to sleep and the next day is always better."
As his Evan was talking, Barty's crying had subdued, replaced by the start of an amused smirk.
"Since when were you so wise?"
"I have my moments." Evan said, taking a cigarette from the pack Barty offered him.
He lit it and watched as Evan lifted it to his mouth and took a drag.
"I just don't know, I never feel happy anymore." He confessed.
"Maybe you should get a girl." His friend said.
"I see that your wisdom has run out."
They both chuckled. The two friends knew that Barty never had a girlfriend, and his chances of having one before leaving Hogwarts were getting lower and lower. Somehow, no girl was interested in him, which was the polar opposite of Evan, who had dated half the female population (or so it seemed to Barty, who saw his friend kiss a different chick every party).
"Maybe girls just don't like me."
"Maybe you're just unapproachable."
Barty shot Evan a glare.
"What? It's true! You look mean!" His friend said.
"And you don't?"
"Well, the girls like my mean face, they think it's erotic."
Barty dragged a hand over his face.
"Explain to me why my mean face is less attractive than your mean face."
"Listen man, I have no idea. But I'm sure having a girl would make you happier: no more sad virgin Barty."
Barty slapped Evan's shoulder, making a face. Truth is, both boys were what you would call attractive. They had the same provocative smirk, the same well sculpted body, almost the same height (Barty liked to remind people that he was, in fact, a whole two inch taller), the same angular face, and the same sharply defined jaw. Evan's face was a little longer, and he had hay-blond hair while Barty had plain mousy-brown.
He didn't think it was about the personality either. They were both rude to people and had a sarcasm unmatched (except for Sirius Black, of course).
So there was no big reason to why Barty was single and Evan was not.
Or, at least, none that Evan knew of.
Barty knew, although he didn't want to admit it. His father had talked about how he dislike people like Barty multiple times over his childhood, without knowing who his own son was, and liked.
He admired Sirius and Remus, who didn't care about what their parents thought. Although they hadn't told the school yet, Barty knew it would come. He also admired James and Regulus, who had kissed on the Hogwarts express only two weeks ago.
Regulus even looked more happy than usual. Barty thought he saw him wearing a lighter shade of black to express that joy (of course, Reg had no other colors in his wardrobe).
Barty wondered if he could find a boy, instead of a girl. He wondered if Evan and Dorcas would accept him as who he was. Gay.
The word resonated in his head. It felt taboo. He didn't know what he would do if his father came to find out.
Gay. Gay. Gay.
He finished his cigarette, and before he could reach for another one, he turned to Evan.
"Well than, I'll go to bed. Hopefully when I wake up the world will be unicorns and rainbows."
He turned his back on his friend, who jogged to keep up.
"Yeah," Evan said, "Maybe even butterflies, candies and ooh! Girls."
Barty rolled his eyes, even as anxiety gnawed at his insides, one thought resonnating through his head.
Should he tell Evan?