Chapter 4
Remus pulled himself up the last few steps, stumbling as he pushed through the wooden door at the top of the astronomy tower. The burn of the almost full moon was so harsh, he cowered away from it, not even feeling the hand under his elbow that pulled him round the parapet, into the shadow of the turret and pushed him down onto a bench.
‘What are you doing?’ James hissed, ‘I told you I’d do your notes! Why are you not in bed?’
‘I’m fine,’ Remus growled back, his teeth gritted, bared.
‘Don’t give me that shit,’ James said, releasing him and putting his hands on his hips.
‘You look like your mum when you do that,’ Remus said, tone harsh, an attempt to distract him. ‘And your astronomy notes are crap.’
‘You’re sweating. This is ridiculous,’ James muttered, reaching forward again, causing Remus to shrink back.
‘Don’t touch me.’
‘Get up!’
‘What’s going on?’ Lily appeared over James' shoulder, her face pale against the night sky, ‘Professor will be here in a minute. You need to get your telescopes out -’
‘Remus isn't feeling well,’ James said, ‘We’re going to Pomfrey -’
‘I am fine!’ Remus said again, louder than he had meant to, a flash of guilt burning through his stomach as Lily recoiled slightly, her eyes widening, her brief glance at James.
‘That’s it. Get up,’ James ordered, hoisting Remus under one armpit, and swinging his bag up over his own shoulder. ‘Lil, tell Verna we had to go to the hospital wing. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
James bent his knees and pulled Remus up, holding him tightly and pulling him towards the door. He was sweating, James had been right, he could feel it dripping down the sides of his hot face. He felt furious. Furious to be told off, to be told what to do, to have tried to come to this lesson in the first place, to not be able to control the wolf inside him. He let James steer him, head down, ignoring the glances from the other students they passed -
‘Oh shit -’
Remus looked up at the voice, catching James’ head shaking in the corner of his eye as Sirius stopped before them, eyes wide, mouth slightly open. Fucks sake, so he did look dreadful then -
‘Are you -’ Sirius stopped himself again, looking desperately between them, ‘Do you need -’
Remus looked back at him, his eye was still yellowed and tender looking. He felt like ripping his face off. ‘Don’t need anything from you,’ he said, pushing past him, tripping slightly on the door frame. ‘Fuck!’
‘I’ve got him,’ he heard James say, ‘Pete’ll help when we get there.’
James had hurried behind him on the way back to their room, watchful, quiet, letting Remus storm ahead. Peter sat up in bed when they crashed through the door, fumbling to light his lamp, his pale hair sticking up in a halo around his head.
‘Whatsgoinon?’ he grunted, blinking at them in the sudden light, furrowing his brow as Remus slammed into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He sat down heavily on the toilet seat, trying not to hear the concern in the murmured voices on the other side of the wall, trying not to ram a fist into it. Trying to calm down.
He couldn't remember now why it had seemed so important to get to the lesson. James had been right, it was a no brainer to sit it out. To not climb as high as he could towards the almost-full moon. To not turn his face to it as it was bearing down on him, calling to the wolf. He supposed he had wanted to be able to choose. To prove he was in control. To not have to ask for James’ notes which would inevitably now be copied from Sirius’. He stood up, leaning forwards on the sink in front of him, fingers gripping the porcelain. He didn't look in the mirror.
When he emerged, James was sitting on the end of his bed, feet balanced on the edge of his trunk. He looked up as Remus passed him, trying to catch his eye.
‘You alright?’
‘Sorry,’ Remus grunted, wishing they would just let him disappear between his curtains.
‘S’ok,’ James said, ‘S’just the moon.’
*
‘Are you alright?’
‘Yes,’ Remus gasped, trying to steady himself against his bedpost, ‘I’m fine, Sirius, don't fuss.’
‘You look dreadful.’
‘Oh, thanks very much.’
‘I don't mean it like that, I just mean you look like - well, like you -’
‘Like I just transformed from my werewolf form?’ Remus grunted, ‘So not insulting, just observant?’
‘Hey.’
‘Hey yourself. I'm ok. I don't need help.’
‘Just skip first period. It's Binns anyway and you already know all that stuff.’
‘Sirius.’
‘I’ll stay with you. We can even read the right bit of the textbook if you want. I'll read it out loud, in his voice, it'll be as if you're there.’
Remus hesitated. The offer was tempting, he was knackered, and Sirius was right - all Binns did was recite the textbook anyway.
He sighed. ‘Alright,’ he said, collapsing back onto the bed, ‘But we have to study. No distracting me.’
Sirius cleared his throat and opened their enormous history textbook, flicking through the pages until he found their latest chapter, something about the third Goblin rebellion, and began to read in a low monotonous voice.
‘Following the defeat of Vargot in 1762 -’
Remus laughed. ‘Don’t,’ he said, ‘I’m sore.’
‘Ok,’ Sirius smiled across at him, picking up where he left off, reading normally now. Remus settled back into his pillow and listened, eyes on the red canopy above him. It was glowing softly, the sunlight filtering through the window illuminating the fabric. He let Sirius' words wash over him -
He opened his eyes, sitting up suddenly, finding Sirius still cross legged at the end of his bed, books open around him, a quill in one hand. He looked up at Remus, smiling softly at him.
‘What - what time is it?’ Remus said, looking madly around for his alarm clock. ‘Why did you let me go to sleep? We need to go, we'll be late for McGonagall -’
‘It’s fine, Moony, relax,’ Sirius said, placing his quill carefully between the pages of his textbook.
‘Merlin, Sirius, you -’ he struggled to free his feet from the blankets, ‘We agreed just History -’
‘You needed the sleep. It's fine, I cleared it with McGonagall -’
‘What do you mean? We haven't missed Transfiguration?’ Remus could feel the hot prickles of panic rising up his neck.
‘It's fine,’ Sirius said again, rising to his knees now and shuffling forwards on the bed, ‘That stuff is easy anyway -’
‘For you! Some of us -’
‘Remus,’ Sirius said, his tone firm, ‘Remus.’ He was close now, kneeling beside him. He brought both his hands up, placing them on either side of Remus’ face, turning it gently towards his own. ‘Listen to me. It's fine. You needed rest, I got permission. We will catch up with work.’
Remus said nothing. Sirius' eyes were dark and his gaze was steady. He didn't move his hands.
‘You’ve got to give yourself some grace,’ Sirius said, his voice low, ‘And you need to let us look after you. You understand?’
‘I don't need -’ Remus tailed off as Sirius raised his eyebrows. He inhaled shakily, suddenly aware for the first time of Sirius hot palms against his cheeks and his thumb, moving gently under Remus' left eye. ‘Ok,’ he said eventually. ‘Yes.’
Sirius closed his eyes momentarily, his fingers sliding downwards slightly, cupping the side of Remus' jaw, and then both hands were gone. He sat backwards a little, resting on his ankles.
‘Ok. Good.’
*
‘Right my love, have a seat here and we'll get you sorted. I'll just fetch you that potion and you can be on your way.’
Remus nodded, perching awkwardly on the edge of the bed Poppy had indicated. He was fine really, just a dislocated elbow from a slightly messy transformation. He’d had a lot worse.
He watched her through her office blinds as she moved back and forth, opening cupboards, loading things onto a tray. The night itself had been… fine. Prongs and Wormtail had accompanied him, as they always did, but the wolf had noticed the absence of his favourite playmate, and had not understood the reason why. When he'd returned to himself that morning, he was unhurt, bar the terrible pain in his arm but James and Peter had looked even more exhausted than usual.
‘You were just quite flighty,’ James had said, ‘Was a bit of work to stop you running off,’ he'd paused and glanced at Peter, ‘Felt like Moony was looking for something.’
It wasn't difficult to work out what.
He lay down gingerly on the bed, his arm across his chest. Poppy had snapped it back into place in the shack with barely a flick of her wand, but it didn't half hurt.
‘Oh - er - sorry - are you - are you ok?’
Remus sat up, the blood rushing to his head, making it swim, wincing as pain radiated up his arm. Sirius was standing in the doorway, the handkerchief clamped over his nose turning steadily redder as it filled with blood.
‘Shit,’ Remus said, forgetting himself entirely, ‘Shit. Poppy? Poppy!’
Madam Pomfrey emerged, depositing the silver tray she was carrying onto a bedside table and hurrying forwards.
‘Oh dear, oh dear. What a mess. Sit down - sit -’
She steered Sirius to the edge of Remus' bed, pushing him down onto it and pulling his hands away. Blood gushed across his knees, splattering her apron and dripping onto the floor.
‘What on earth?!’ she muttered as she pushed a basin into his hands.
‘Hex,’ Sirius coughed through a mouth of blood, ‘But I couldn't get it to stop.’
‘For goodness sake.’
She pinched the bridge of his nose hard, waving her wand once, and then twice, muttering incantations. Remus watched as Sirius closed his eyes, a crease forming between his brows.
‘Remus, dear, take that potion,’ she said, nodding towards the tray, ‘The purple one. It'll help, and then you can go and get me a fresh cloth -’
Remus stared for a moment, mesmerised by the blood still dripping steadily, although less dramatically into the basin.
‘On the tray -’ Poppy said again, and he shook himself, reaching for the small bottle and downing it in one.
The effect was immediate, the throbbing pain in his arm relented and a weight was lifted from him. He stood, stepping carefully around the blood on the floor and heading to the large white cabinet that stood beside the door to the office.
‘A clean cloth please, and then go into my office - in the blue cupboard there's a blood replenisher. It's the red potion with the yellow label.
He did as instructed, hurrying back with both items and stepping back, watching as she cleaned Sirius’ face gently, the bleeding now just a trickle, but his complexion ghostly pale.
‘Drink that sweetheart,’ she said, holding the bottle to his lips as he swayed slightly under her hands, ‘Now please, I don't want you passing out on me.’
Sirius swallowed, a slight pink blush appearing on the ridges of his cheekbones, and he sat up a little, slightly steadier.
‘Ok,’ Poppy said, ‘You hold this here while I get us all cleaned up and find Remus something to keep his arm still. Remus, make sure he doesn't fall off the bed.’ She stepped back, the blood on the floor vanishing with a wave of her wand, and bustled back towards her office, untying her soiled apron as she went.
‘What happened?’ Remus said, just as Sirius asked, ‘Your arm?’
‘Bad transformation, it's fine,’ Remus said quickly, shaking his head. ‘Who hexed you?’
‘Mulciber,’ Sirius replied, ‘Some kind of variation on the usual though. Couldn't get it to stop. Made a right mess of the corridors on the way here.’
They looked at each other for a moment. Sirius still had some blood under one eye and some more down the side of his jaw, disappearing under his chin. Remus wanted to reach out and wipe it away. He imagined curling his fingers gently in the crook of his neck -
‘I’m sorry,’ Sirius said, quietly, drawing Remus' eyes back to his. ‘It’s all I've wanted to do, to tell you I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. So so sorry. And I -’ he hesitated, ‘I need you to know. I'm sorry and I -’
‘Don’t,’ Remus almost choked on the word. His arm was starting to ache again, and the weight had returned, his chest screaming under it, his heart pounding against his newest scar.
‘I’m sorry.’
*
‘Oh dear,’ Peter said, sliding a little further down in his seat and letting his head rest against the top of the sofa cushions, his eyes on Sirius who had climbed onto a chair which he'd balanced on a footstool in the centre of the room. ‘What do you think he's doing?’
‘Dancing?’ Remus wondered aloud. ‘Maybe?’
‘He’s going to fall,’ Peter said, ‘Any second -’
‘I’ve got it,’ Remus said, pointing his wand lazily at the teetering furniture, keeping it steady beneath his inebriated friend. ‘See if you can get him down will you.’
Peter seemed to sink even further into the cushions. ‘Don’t think I could get up if I wanted to if I'm honest, Moony.’
Remus sighed, and hoisted himself up. He wasn't feeling too steady either. He didn't really think he should be in charge of this -
‘Sirius!’ he called, his wand still out, ‘Come down will you? Before you fall down.’
‘Moony!’ Sirius looked down at him, grinning widely, and extending a hand, ‘Come up! You can see the whole common room from here!’
‘I can see the whole common room from here,’ Remus replied, ‘It’s not a very big room.’
Sirius ignored him, beaming as he stared around at the bodies below him, dancing, drinking, laughing. The party had been his idea, of course, an impromptu celebration of - well Remus couldn't actually remember what they'd claimed the purpose of it was. Any excuse.
‘Sirius,’ he called again, ‘Come down now or I'll let you fall.’ He waved his wand slightly from side to side and the chair wobbled. Sirius cried out and glared down at him.
‘Oi! Spoilsport!’ Sirius shouted, hands clutching at the back of the chair. ‘Fine. Fine fine fine.’ He slid into a sitting position and clambered down, the chair falling backwards with a crash as soon as he released it, causing a group of second years to squeal and roll out of the way.
‘You,’ Sirius said, jamming a finger into Remus’ chest, ‘Are no fun.’
‘Excuse me for trying to stop you from breaking your neck.’
‘Excuse me,’ Sirius said, leaning forwards, his face inches from Remus’, and then to one side of it as he pushed past him, ‘I need another drink.’
‘You definitely don't,’ Remus laughed, as Sirius stumbled over the chair he had just upturned, falling in a heap beside it. He stayed there for a moment, face down on the plush rug, eyes closed.
‘Come on, let's get you to bed,’ Remus said, stepping over the wreckage and tugging at Sirius’ arm, ‘Up you get. I've had enough, I'll come up with you.’
He hoisted Sirius to his feet, pulling one arm across his shoulders and heaving. Sirius pushed himself up, and allowed Remus to steer him towards the staircase.
It was slow going, climbing up to the third floor dormitory, Remus lifting Sirius up with each step as he swayed dramatically against the bannister, not steady enough himself to ground his friend. They fell through the door, Remus depositing Sirius at the end of his own bed and rubbing his shoulders.
‘You’re such a lump,’ he said, lifting Sirius' feet onto the bed and pulling off his shoes.
‘I’m actually fine,’ Sirius replied, stubbornly, lifting himself onto his elbows and sticking out his tongue. ‘Look-’
‘At what? Your very sober tongue?’
Sirius laughed and closed his mouth, reaching out for Remus’ hand and pulling him down onto the bed beside him. His eyes were dark and sleepy as he examined Remus’ face, their fingers interlocked on the quilt between them.
‘You’re the best, Moony,’ Sirius said, his thumb tracing slow circles on the back of Remus’ hand. His dark hair had fallen forwards across his face and Remus wanted to reach out and tuck it behind his ear. He stared at it for a moment, the glossy black sheet, and imagined what it would feel like: silky soft and cool to the touch -
‘I’m not -’ he whispered, closing his eyes, trying to ignore how warm he was, how loud his heart sounded in his ears.
‘Moons?’
Remus opened his eyes, finding Sirius had tucked back his own hair. His face was fully visible again, his mouth pink against his pale skin and his eyes, lined with dark lashes, completely focused on Remus' mouth.
‘Yes?’ Remus breathed, inching forwards just slightly, watching Sirius as he watched him - ‘Wha-’
He was cut off by Sirius' lips on his. Soft but firm, warm as they pressed into him. He felt Sirius open his mouth slightly, testing the part between Remus' lips very gently with the very tip of his tongue. Remus felt his head fill with static, buzzing that obliterated all other senses, driving all his focus to what was currently happening to his mouth. He moved his free hand, almost involuntarily, feeling it come up, and round, gripping Sirius' shoulder, the first part of him that if found -
‘Bloody hell, they're going to be going all night!’ came Peter's voice as the door opened, ‘James’ be rotten in the morning!’
They sprang apart as he entered the room, both turning to look at him as he staggered towards his own bed, flopping onto it face first and mumbling something too muffled to make out. Remus stared at him, his two feet sticking ridiculously in the air over the end of the bed. His whole body was tingling, his breathing was ragged. What had just -
‘Hey,’ Sirius whispered, and Remus turned back to him, taking in his tousled hair, his flushed cheeks. ‘It's OK,’ Sirius continued, finding Remus' hand again amongst the bed clothes and squeezing it. He gave Remus a small smile and leant forwards again, a featherlight brush of lips. ‘It’s OK,’ he said again, ‘He didn't see.’