(i wanna) get lost!
R.A.B, September 3rd 1975, Friday
"Ready to go?" Sirius asked. Regulus rolled his eyes, tucking the book he was reading into his arm.
"Why have you suddenly become a ray of sunshine? It’s uncanny," Regulus muttered as they exited the library.
Sirius twirled around and jogged a few steps to keep up with Regulus. "I find that someone has to be happy in this house, no?"
"I'm perfectly happy if no one bothers me."
"That's called being lonely, Reggie," Sirius frowned.
Regulus shrugged, feeling the weight of the house pressing down on him. "Happiness, loneliness. Similar things. Loneliness is just a more specific version of happiness."
Sirius didn't argue, understanding Regulus's perspective better than most. He used to see the world much like Regulus did now, before Hogwarts that is.
Changing the subject, Sirius opened the door to his room and invited Regulus in with a nod. "Have you heard from your pack of wild animals?" he asked casually.
Regulus shot him a pointed look. "If my friends are wild animals, then what are yours?"
Sirius chuckled lightly. "My friends are… probably more domesticated animals," he loved teasing Regulus, but it was harmless. At Hogwarts, they barely conversed, really, but here, there was nowhere Regulus could escape Sirius or the other way around. There was also the fact that there was no one else around to talk to in the manor.
They both sat on Sirius's ridiculously large bed. Regulus stared at him expectantly,but not rushing him. Sirius got up and started digging through his extremely messy drawers, searching for something. Finally, he cried out in delight as he found what he was looking for. It was tiny enough to fit in his palm, and Regulus couldn’t make out what it was.
"What's that?" Regulus asked.
Sirius grinned like the fool he was, trying to act nonchalant. "It’s just something I accidentally brought along with me…"
Rolling his eyes and starting to leave, Regulus remarked, "I don’t have time for your childish antics, Sirius. Now, if you’ll allow me, or not, because I don’t care—" he stopped, however, when he saw something flash at the corner of his eyes, something swift, little, and golden. He twisted around and searched the room for the winged gadget. "Tell me that’s not what I think it is."
"Oh, but it is."
"Salazar’s snakes, you’re mental," Regulus muttered in disbelief. Sirius had an actual Snitch in his room. Regulus bit his tongue to keep from laughing when Sirius jumped onto the golden ball and missed it entirely, forgetting the lack of a broom beneath him. He landed with a semi-loud thud but got up as if nothing happened. He tried again, this time successfully capturing it and falling onto the bed instead. There was a small grin tugging at his lips.
"Well, it’s kind of boring in this house. Plus, I miss playing Quidditch when we’re here," Sirius explained. He reached out to give Regulus the ball. He then carried on with the story of how he got it.
Regulus listened as he examined the Snitch but didn’t bother to reply. He kept tracing and retracing every small detail engraved on it. Sirius raised a brow as he approached Regulus to see what he was so intently observing. Despite spending a good portion of a minute watching him, Sirius couldn’t see what Regulus saw.
"What’s so intriguing about it?" he urged.
Finally looking up at Sirius, Regulus replied, "It’s the engravings. Every line is drawn out with perfect symmetry. Every corner covered in calculated details."
Sirius seemed so very confused. "So?"
"There’s no 'so'. It's just that. Sometimes you can appreciate the little things in life, Sirius," Regulus said before dropping the shiny artifact onto the bed and heading towards the door.
This time, Sirius didn’t protest as Regulus silently slipped out of the room. He might tease Regulus endlessly, but deep down, Regulus knew Sirius understood the solitude he sought in this house.
Regulus left Sirius's room, the weight of their conversation heavy on his mind. At first it had been just friendly, and for a moment Regulus had forgotten that this wasn’t them. Not really. He had been enjoying Sirius so much that he had forgotten this Sirius only exists for James Potter and his friends. This Sirius wasn’t for him, he was just making sure he doesn’t break whilst away from his true family. He wandered through the dimly lit corridors of Grimmauld Place, lost in thought, when suddenly, a chilling scream pierced the silence. His heart skipped a beat as he recognized Sirius's voice, raw with agony. He felt his heart drop.
Without hesitation, Regulus sprinted towards the source of the scream, the room he had left what felt like a second ago, his steps echoing loudly in the empty halls. Bursting into the room, his breath caught in his throat at the sight before him. He could feel bile climbing up his throat at the sight of it.
Sirius lay sprawled on the floor, writhing in pain, while Bellatrix and Orion stood over him, wands drawn. Bellatrix's eyes gleamed with sadistic pleasure, her lips curled into a cruel smile. Orion's expression was stern and unwavering, his grip on his wand tight. Sirius was a mess, which Regulus would find out was an understatement.
Regulus wanted to shout, to protest, but he could barely move a hair. He was paralysed. He could only manage a choked sound which got Bellatrix to acknowledge his presence. Her smile widened into a mocking grin. "Well, well, look who's here," she taunted, her voice dripping with malice. "Come to witness your brother's loyalty to the Dark Lord? Though I must admit, you look a little pale Re, even for you."
Regulus clenched his fists, trembling with a mixture of fear and rage. He had no fucking clue what the hell could have gone wrong in the blink of an eye, but he couldn’t think anymore. His own voice was drowned out by the bone chilling weeps of Sirius.
"Please, Father. Let him go, I beg of you." Regulus pleaded, his voice cracking with emotion.
Orion did not even blink. He did not care at all, and Bellatrix was having the time of her life anyways. She never liked Sirius, really.
Regulus felt a surge of helplessness wash over him. He couldn't bear to see his brother suffer like this, but intervening would only make things worse. It only ever hit them to stop when the writhing boy stopped altogether. He was no longer screaming, trembling or moving. Regulus feared that he was no longer breathing either. Deep down, he knew that they couldn’t afford to kill him, but it felt like logic did not fit into this scene.
Bellatrix lowered her wand, a satisfied smirk on her face as she looked down at Sirius, broken and battered on the floor. Orion nodded curtly, his expression unreadable as he turned to leave the room. Bellatrix followed suit, casting one last disdainful glance at Regulus before she disappeared into the shadows.
Regulus knelt beside Sirius, his hands shaking as he gently touched his brother's shoulder. Sirius's breath came in ragged gasps but he was breathing. Regulus felt a great deal of tension seep out of his frame. Sirius was alive.
He was so preoccupied with making sure that he was alive that he hadn’t even had time to check anything else that could be damaged on his body. He tried to find his own wand to cast a simple health check spell but settled on a manual one when he couldn’t find it.
That day, Regulus understood mourning, heartbreak and grief.
Sirius was now a Death Eater.
Regulus's eyes snapped open, his chest heaving as he sat upright in bed. His heart raced wildly, and his hands trembled uncontrollably. For a few disorienting moments, he struggled to grasp his surroundings, it had all felt so real, once again.
He was back in the familiar confines of his Hogwarts dormitory, the soft glow of morning light filtering through the windows. Evan and Barty were still asleep in their beds, their peaceful breathing a stark contrast to the chaos that had gripped Regulus just moments ago.
Regulus rubbed his face with trembling hands, trying to steady himself.
"Regulus?" Evan's voice cut through the haze, filled with concern. He must have noticed Regulus's abrupt awakening. He had been acting rather warily around Regulus ever since he came back from Grimmauld Place
Regulus took a deep breath, attempting to compose himself. "Yes?" he managed to say, though his voice was barely above a whisper so as not to accentuate the tremor in it.
Barty stirred awake, blinking sleepily as he sat up in bed. "Why the fuck are you up at the crack of dawn?" he asked, his brow furrowed in annoyance.
Regulus rolled his eyes at him. “You’re always so pissy, worse than me.”
"Thanks, I take pride in it." he admitted proudly.
Regulus swung his legs over the side of the bed, his hands still trembling slightly. "I’m going to do a few rounds around the pitch," he murmured, more to himself than to his friends.
He slipped out of the dormitory, the cool Hogwarts corridors offering a welcome respite. He needed to gather his thoughts, and he needed to do it fast. He had to find a way to get over his own shit so that he could help Sirius.
That was the main thing, really. To help Sirius get rid of that god forbidden mark on his arm.
He hadn’t even taken the time to change, or pull on his cloak at the least, so he was taking sharp breathes as he readied himself and kicked off the ground in the blink of an eye. He loved that he could hear the wind and only the wind at this speed, this high up. No bothersome voices, no one that requires his attention, no one to ask him where Sirius is.
Because he doesn’t fucking know. Sirius has been gone ever since the morning of the train ride to Hogwarts. He had just left a note behind saying that he would be back at some point, with no information about his whereabouts or how he was.
The weeks leading up to that, he had been a mess. He had been not Sirius, that was the only way to word it. He did not speak and sometimes he would even forget to breathe. Regulus had been basically holding guard by his side for weeks. The last few days before he disappeared, he had started making progress. He was moving more despite groaning quietly in pain each time he stood up for more than five minutes. He had also started talking.
Regulus found himself missing Sirius’s voice more than ever these past few weeks. He had been internally berating himself for even joking about how joyous the older could be.
“Regulus! Please!”
Regulus’s head immediately snapped towards the source of the voice. He groaned and rolled his eyes. He put his weight towards the front of his broom to fly even faster. However, despite his efforts to run away, the boy who had been shouting his name caught up to him. Regulus took note to practice more Quidditch seeing as the Gryffindor Seeker could so easily overtake him.
“Merlin’s beard, Potter. For the last time, I don’t fucking know where he is.”
James pursed his lips into a thin line. “Just tell me if he’s safe…” he pleaded.
He sounded like he was mourning the loss of his life. It made the younger want to pity him, but that was hard to do when he was so god damn annoying and so fucking stubborn. They had slowed down somewhere along the way because the sound of wind was much quieter now.
He had seen James a bunch of times ever since he came back from summer break, but he had never looked at him so attentively, so up close. The older had actual bags under his eyes, which were bloodshot. His hair was a mess but not an organised mess like it usually was. Regulus couldn’t explain it. He looked utterly lost.
“Will you leave me alone if I say yes?” the younger asked.
The brunette pondered this for a moment before replying with a question of his own. “Is that the truth?”
Regulus stared off into the empty Quidditch terrain before retorting, his voice barely audible over the wind. “I hope it is,” because he really does hope it is.
“Why’s he gone, tell me that at least.”
“Why do you care so much? Does it really matter?”
“I need to know something. I can’t sleep, Regulus. I can’t eat, I can’t breathe,” he said shakily, his eyes were pooling slowly but surely.
Now, honestly, Regulus knew that Sirius told James everything. Everyone knew this, but what had happened this summer? That was something so… raw. Something so private and unwanted that he was having doubts whether or not Sirius would tell James. He hadn’t told him either, he had just found out when Sirius was passed out and in need of medical attention as soon as possible.
Of course, being a Black himself, Regulus had reacted well. He knew somewhere deep down that this was his fate also and he didn’t have much time left. The war was growing and it was growing fast. He also knew how much Sirius had not wanted this, and that’s why he had been punished.
“Uhh, Regulus?” James called out.
“I was thinking. But it’s not up to me to explain,” he said.
James furrowed his brows now. “So I was right, something did happen. Come on, you have to tell me if he’s — like, you know —“
“Merlin no!” Regulus suddenly shouted. James flinched a little. “No, Sirius did not die. Bloody mental you are, I’ll tell you that much. He’ll come back.”
The brunette’s eyes shone in hope. “You said he’s coming back? When’s he coming back? Soon, right?”
The younger rolled his eyes. “Potter. I don’t know. ‘Chais pas,” he said, exasperated.
James lagged behind for a second before he chuckled weakly and caught up to Regulus again. He was almost smiling.
Something about this made it harder for Regulus to breathe. He had never thought that he would ever hear such a weak chuckle from James Potter. It was like watching the sun slowly get colder and then even colder. Oddly, this managed to make Regulus sad. He was sad because James Potter was sad. Salazar’s sake, what the hell was going on? Barry and Evan would be laughing at him if they knew.
With a smile that did not reach his eyes, James asked: “What was that?”
Regulus raised a brow. “What was what?”
“That thing you just said— right after you said ‘I don’t know’,”
The shorter narrowed his eyes. “What are you— oh, you mean je ne sais pas,” he made sure to really accentuate the words in french.
James chuckled again. “Yes! That! What is that?”
It was Regulus’s turn to be confused. “You mean French?”
The older’s eyes blew wide open. “You know French?! Does Sirius also know? He never mentioned,”
“What? That’s not right. Siri adores speaking French.”
“You’re lying, he’s never said anything about it. And also, Siri? How cute—“
Regulus suddenly realised what he had let slip out of his mouth and rolled his eyes as an effort to hide the fact that he was red all over the face. “Shut up! James, if you ever—“
“And now you’re calling me ‘James’? I have to say, Reggie—“
“Actually fuck you,” Regulus spat and prepared to dive towards the ground, however found himself incapable of doing so when he heard James’s laugh. This time, it wasn’t a chuckle, no, it was a real, on brand James Potter laugh. It was sincere and annoyingly warm.
It was almost like Sirius.
For a second, Regulus let himself be comforted by the roars of laughter. It was nice. But of course, as always, the brunette had to ruin it. “Didn’t know you were such a doll—“
“POTTER!” the younger basically screeched. His mouth fell open and his eyes were burning holes through the older’s. “Seriously, what the fuck? Why are you this way? I miss how quiet it was here about five minutes ago. I’m leaving.” He declared before taking a dive towards the ground.
James couldn’t follow because the entirety of the Gryffindor Quidditch team had started spilling onto the pitch, ready for practice, but he made sure to shout a farewell.
Somehow, by the time Regulus had changed and made it to The Great Hall, everyone had heard and was talking about his flying session with the one and only, seeker of Gryffindor, infamous prankster, everyone’s favorite, James Fleamont Potter. He almost ran to his seat by Dorcas, Evan and Barty all while intensely staring at his shoes. He could have sworn he heard someone say he and James got together and kidnapped Sirius.
He basically threw himself into the empty seat next to Dorcas and also the end of the table. It was dead silent between the four of them, but Barty made sure to hiss at anyone who looked for more than a few seconds.
“So…” Evan started off.
Regulus rolled his eyes. “I don’t even want to know what you guys have heard.”
“Okay, fair, but please tell me if you actually did hug him.” the blond said with a grin.
Barty, however, barked a laugh. “Hug? More like fu—“
“Ew. No, no I did not shag Potter.” Regulus immediately replied, nauseated by the mental image of it.
All three of them laughed at him, but he couldn’t, it was physically impossible. He could feel a knot form at the back of his throat.
Evan was the first to stop cackling like a madman. “No but really, what were you doing with him at that hour, alone?” he queried.
“Yeah Reg, is he bothering you about, you know…” added Dorcas.
“Kind of? First it was about Siri, and then it was about him. I don’t know how to explain it.” Regulus replied as he shook his head. “Really, it was weird.”
Barty seemed stricken by the this. “He made your brother’s disappearance about himself? Yeah, good on you for not shagging him.”
Regulus just sighed in defeat. “Not like that— whatever, I’m not in the mood for this.”
“Uh, are you in the mood for a Howler?” asked Dorcas.
“What—“ Regulus tried to respond but was cut off by an owl landing in front of him and handing him a crimson red envelope. He slumped his shoulders as he dropped his head onto the table. He felt the letter be ripped away from his hand as Barty asked him if he wanted to open it or let it explode. He tried to shrugged without moving much. He heard someone opening the Howler. He straightened and braced himself for the impact.
To Regulus Arcturus Black,
If you do not tell us of your brother’s whereabouts today, there will be consequences! He has an important role that he must respect. You can also let him know that he cannot hide forever and if we do not get to him, others will. How dare you both come together in an effort to embarrass our family? You children know nothing about the world. Your Father and I made this decision for his well being, not for him to try and punish us in such childish ways!
I expected better than you, Regulus. However, I see now that you are nothing but false hope. We have only done what is best for you and this is how you have chosen to repay us. You are also continuously endangering his life by helping him lead this immature ploy.
Walburga Irma Black
Some might have considered this letter hurtful, or even abusive, but Regulus was sure this was the single most passive aggressive writing that Walburga had to write.
She had to send a Howler to publicly express that the family is on the hunt for Sirius, but also couldn’t risk letting anyone know the real nature of Black parenting.
“I almost want to frame it,” he joked as the entire room watched the paper turn into ashes.
Evan chuckled as he blew the ashes towards the unwanted stares on them. A bunch of Slytherin students could be heard coughing and cursing beneath their breaths.
Regulus just shook his head as he muttered. “I really wish I knew where he was.”
Dorcas and Evan would have winced out loud if Regulus wasn’t there. He sometimes had a feeling that Sirius’s absence hurt everyone more than it hurt him. It always felt that way, because everyone was so open and vocal about their feelings around the subject compared to Regulus that he felt out of his field. He would never cry in the middle of the school grounds, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t hurting, did it?
“Blah blah blah, get your shit together. Let’s just go to Potions.” Barty said, cutting the silence with a sharp knife.
Evan grinned a little like he always did when he was talking to Barty as he retorted mockingly. “Oh? Since when do we look forward to Potions, Bartilemius? And here I was under the impression that you didn’t do classes.”
“Shut it, you guys are too soppy that it makes me want to go to class. That’s on you, not me.”
“Oh but Barts, you love us—“
Their banter continued as Dorcas and Regulus fell behind them, following them through the halls and chatting about.
“—so I just told her that I did not care,” explained the girl as she shrugged.
Regulus seemed to open his mouth to say something, but did not manage to as he was suddenly getting pushed around in the halls. He didn’t need to double check to see that the Gryffindor Quidditch team had just finished practice and were aggressively making their way towards the changing rooms.
“All of them, animals,” groaned Evan as he pushed back against a wall to avoid being rushed by a lump of sweaty bodies. The other three followed. The Gryffindor team members were incredibly slow and way too loud for such a small group of students.
That’s when someone caught his eye. James. And it seemed that he also caught James’s eye, because they were now staring at each other between all the chaos in the hallway. Dorcas seemed to be saying something to him as she pulled at his sleeve but he couldn’t bring himself to tear his eyes away from James. He couldn’t get that sound of the brunette actually laughing out of his mind. He found that he didn’t want to, even if he could.
Maybe he missed Sirius. Maybe he missed Sirius a lot.
He sharply turned to Dorcas and clung to her sleeve as she had been doing earlier before whispering in an helpless, ushered tone. “I think I miss him a lot,” he admitted as he swallowed dry.
The older girl’s eyes went from worried to saddened, and as the hallway finally emptied out, she gave his hand a squeeze and simply told him ‘we know’.
It helped for a little, but then it didn’t.
He missed his brother. He missed him more than ever because fuck, he had just started to get him back.
And the worst part was that he knew he would keep missing him, because even when Sirius came back, he would not be the same Sirius he had been one summer prior.
The whole day seemed to pass and go by before he could fathom it. He found that he had spent all of his classes trying to figure out where Sirius could have gone.
Obviously, he wasn’t at the Potter’s if James was losing sleep over this. He wasn’t just hiding out somewhere within the school (because Regulus had searched the entirety of the premises three times by now), and there was no way he was back at Grimmauld Place either. Lupin’s house was not an option because, from what he gathered, he didn’t really have one. He had considered that he had ran to Pettigrew’s, however, that option was also ruled out by the cart-postal the blond received from his parents that had been writing from France.
So, Regulus really did not know.
"Earth to Regulus? Are you there?" Pandora's voice cut through his reverie.
"Yeah, just thinking," he replied distractedly, blinking as he took in the scenery once more. They were sitting by the Black Lake. Barty and Evan sat shoulder to shoulder, leg to leg, engrossed in a conversation about what creature lurks beneath the water. Dorcas and Pandora were busy weaving flowers into crowns, a signature Pandora Lovegood creation.
The lake was as serene as the now-still wind. With the school year just beginning, very few students ventured this close to the water, leaving only the occasional sound of footsteps breaking the quiet that surrounded the five.
Barty chuckled, adding, "Thinking about where Sirius is, yeah?"
Pandora's face fell, mirroring the sadness Dorcas had shown earlier. "Oh love, I'm sorry we can't help more," she said, her smile strained.
Regulus shrugged, trying to brush off the subject, but Evan took on the role of therapist. "You're allowed to miss your brother, Reg. No one will judge you for that."
"I know," he replied curtly. Of course he knew that.
"Then why are you so ashamed of it?" Dorcas asked.
Regulus's head snapped towards her, his glare sharp. But this was Dorcas Meadows; she wouldn't back down without a fight. He continued to glare at her.
"Regulus."
"I'm not ashamed. You're wrong, Meadows," he spat, feeling his temper fray.
She shook her head disapprovingly. "Then talk to us. Prove it by talking to us."
Pandora quickly tried to diffuse the tension. "Okay, let's just—"
"No, Pandora, we should talk about this," Regulus interrupted. "Dorcas, what the hell is going on?" he demanded, raising an eyebrow.
Dorcas tensed before narrowing her eyes. "Why are you befriending James Potter and talking to him instead of us? You loathe that guy."
To be frank, Regulus was no longer angry, just shocked. His bewildered expression at the accusation was almost comical, especially as his friends began nodding in agreement with Dorcas.
"It is kind of weird to meet him at the pitch, alone, at that hour," Evan added.
Regulus rolled his eyes again. "You're all being ridiculous. Potter must have followed me because he's oh so worried about Sirius."
"And that's why you hugged him?" Barty asked with a smug grin, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
"For fuck's sake, I did not hug him."
Dorcas sighed, pressing for more answers. "Alright, you didn’t hug him or pour your heart out to him, but what was that in the hallway?"
"What thing in the hallway?" Pandora, Barty, and Evan asked in unison, their curiosity piqued.
Regulus groaned theatrically, letting himself fall back onto the grass. "There wasn't a thing in the hallway."
"Regulus, I saw you two. You were staring like you were about to dive into a hug or something," Dorcas said, her tone tinged with disgust.
Regulus sighed, gazing up at the sky. "It wasn't like that. Just a momentary glance, nothing more."
Barty snickered. "A momentary glance that lasted an eternity apparently, mate. With Potter might I add."
Evan interjected, his tone light but curious. "So, what's the deal with you and Potter? Is there a friendship brewing there?"
Regulus shook his head nonchalantly. "No. He's just worried about Sirius, that's all. Nothing to read into."
Pandora's expression softened. "But you don't hate him, do you?"
Regulus hesitated, then admitted quietly, "I still think he's insufferable. But if he can help find Sirius, then I'll tolerate him."
Dorcas leaned forward, her brow furrowing. "That still doesn't explain why you two were exchanging jokes on the pitch earlier today."
Regulus blinked, caught off guard. "We were not—"
"Yes, you were," Dorcas interrupted, her voice firm. "I saw you from the stands. You were laughing with him."
Regulus sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Fine, we exchanged a few words. He was moping around like a kicked puppy. Doesn't mean anything.”
Barty raised an eyebrow. "It means something if you're out there bonding with James Potter of all people."
Regulus rolled his eyes, feeling defensive. "We weren't bonding. Just... talking."
Evan chuckled. "Sure, talking. Whatever you say, Reg."
“Evan, don’t test me. Not today,” warned Regulus as he fisted his hands in the grass and straightened to sit back up.
Pandora nudged Regulus gently. "It's okay if you're starting to see him differently, you know."
Regulus scowled, but there was a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. Still, he shrugged it off as he spoke. "I don't know what you're all getting at. Potter's still Potter."
Dorcas softened her tone. "We get it, Reg. You're just trying to find Sirius."
Regulus looked away before quietly replying. "Yeah."
Barty clapped him on the shoulder. "Well, let's hope this newfound alliance drags that musky being out of hiding."
Regulus nodded slowly, his mind racing with conflicting thoughts. "Yeah, let's hope."
With a shared glance, they silently agreed to leave the topic for now. As they walked back to the castle, Regulus couldn't shake the feeling that his world was shifting, however subtly, around him. He couldn’t pin what exactly was changing so drastically for him to be able to feel it in his bones, literally, but he wasn’t curious. He was way too preoccupied to be dealing with yet another issue that awaits him to be solved.
Peter Martin Pettigrew, September 4th 1975, Saturday
James was his childhood friend, so it was ten times more painful for Peter to watch the boy crumble with each passing second that Sirius did not show up. On the other hand, there was Remus, who had been a different kind of mess. He had barely moved ever since he had first entered the dorms after the summer break. The difference between his two roommates was very easy to spot: James was eager to look into every crevice until he pulled Sirius out of somewhere with his own two hands, Remus on the other hand seemed to have entirely given up on life.
Peter was also worried out of his mind, sure, but he wasn’t as bad as James who needed Sirius like he needed oxygen or Remus (whom he had expected to be as upset as himself, maybe even less). He found it worrying that Remus was so open about his yearning for the black haired boy.
On their first day back, when Sirius hadn’t been in the Hogwarts Express, the three of them had launched a school-wide search for Sirius. They had been informed of his temporary absence later that day during the Welcome Dinner. James had spent the entire night theorising, crying, theorising and then crying again. Remus locked himself in the bathroom and refused to leave the shower for approximately two hours. Peter had started writing letters to Sirius as if the boy would actually read them.
The second day, James, who had barely gotten any sleep, had been searching for Regulus on the Marauder’s map like a crazed man. He had skipped all meals that day, just to try and find out where Sirius was. Of course, he had gotten back to the dorms with no new information and a detention for not respecting curfew. All the while Remus had refused to even leave the dorm and just stared at the ceiling all day. Peter was the only one who ate like a normal being, he went to all of their classes, took all the necessary notes to the best of his ability, and then continued to write countless letters. He had started collecting the pile of used parchment under his bed.
The third day, James did exactly what he had done the day prior, only this time, he had managed to apparently talk to Regulus for more than three sentences. It was all he could talk about for the entirety of the day. And the next.
“You had to be there to understand, but he seriously told me that Sirius will be back!” said James delightfully. He was grinning like a madman.
Peter’s expression soured. “Yeah, but we already knew that, Minnie told us he was temporarily absent.” but James was on an entirely different plane of thought.
“Sirius is coming back anytime now— I can feel it!” James declared.
“Okay James, whatever you say—“
Before Peter could finish his sarcastic approval of James’s delusions, a rasped voice emerged from the forgotten side of the room. It was Remus, who hadn’t spoken ever since Minnie officialised Sirius’s absence. Both James and Peter’s heads snapped towards him immediately.
”Fucking— Oh that piece of shit— When I see him, I swear…” he cried out.
The two other boys shared a concerned glance before James dared to ask what was going on.
“I fucking figured it out!” Remus announced.
They frowned in confusion. “Figured out what exactly?” asked Peter.
“Sirius!” explained the tallest out of them all.
With hope streaming down his face, James practically launched off his bed. “You figured out where he is? Well, where—“
“No James, not like that.” Remus said as he shook his head. Watching him move was like a miracle nowadays. Peter was savoring it just in case this was a momentary thing and he was going to go back to how he was minutes prior any moment now. “I mean that I figured out why I hate it so much that he’s gone.”
The other two, once again, shared a confused glance. “Uhm, because he’s one of your best friends..?” proposed the blond.
“See that’s what I also thought, but no. I like Sirius.” he declared.
It was dead quiet in the room.
“Everyone likes Sirius.” retorted James.
The taller rolled his eyes. “No, not like that. I mean that I like like him.”
”Oh,” said Peter. “Oh, I get it yeah!”
Remus seemed to look him up and down for a moment, carefully watching him, before he asked. “Really?”
”Nah mate, I’ve got zero fucking clues.”
James chuckled as he agreed.
Remus seemed to ponder how to better explain it. “I like Sirius in a way that makes me want to snog him. Better?” he queried.
It seemed that, this time, they had understood.
And this time, there was a heavier kind of silence.
“You’re gay,” James affirmed out loud, but he sounded uncertain. Remus nodded.
“For Sirius,” Peter added. Again, the werewolf nodded.
“How long have you been gay?” Peter asked.
Remus shrugged nonchalantly. “ ‘Dunno, but I figured it out about…” he stared off towards his bed sheets before continuing, “It’s been about one hundred and forty seconds since I figured it out.”
“And are you feeling… okay?” James asked.
Remus frowned at this. “Both of you, I’m gay, not a cancer patient,” he said in an effort to explain that it wasn’t a big deal. It seemed to backfire faster than he could have imagined.
“What’s a cancer patient?” asked both boys at the same time.
”Someone who’s dying from cancer?”
”What’s a cancer?” asked James.
Remus was irritated enough by their pure stupidity that he rolled his eyes. “Stupid purebloods… Whatever, not the point. What do I do?” he said as he crossed his arms over his chest.
James looked puzzled as he retorted. “What’d you mean?”
Remus huffed. “What do I do? How do I not like Sirius?”
James opened his mouth, seemingly ready to help out the taller brunette, but Peter interrupted. “Yeah, no. James, you’ve been hung up on Evans since first year. He should not be taking your advice.”
James looked incredibly upset by the shutdown, but he did not protest as he knew very well that it was the truth. Remus turned towards the blond. “Right, so what do you suggest?”
Peter bit his bottom lip, like he always did when he was thinking really hard about something. “Well mate, I don’t really think there’s anything you can do. You should just wait for it to pass,” he suggested.
The brunette seemed to consider it before nodding promptly. “You’re right. I’ll just ignore him and focus on something else.”
The other brunette jumped in. “I don’t know if Pete meant you should ignore him, isn’t that a little extreme?”
“Yeah Remus, that won’t end up pretty. Just —“
“Thank you both, I’ll be down at the library if you need me,” he announced, and with that, Remus was gone.
The dorm was silent as they listened to the distant footsteps of Remus. Peter swallowed dry as he stared towards the door, a bewildered look in his eyes. “What the fuck just happened?”
James seemed just as, if not more, astonished. “How did none of us realise?”
Peter shrugged.
The brunette got up from where he was sitting and dramatically shook his head. “How could we miss that our best friend is gay for our other best friend?”
“I don’t know—”
“And why would you tell him to ignore Sirius?”
The blond’s mouth gaped as his eyes grew. “He— What? No. No, no, I never— I mean merlin’s beard, I never said that!” he managed through dumbfounded gasps.
James simply shook his head as he started digging through the clutter within his bed sheets. Peter truly believed that there was nothing that couldn’t be beneath those sheets. The brunette kept on pulling out numerous things that had no relation whatsoever: belts, jumpers, parchments, candy packets, many broken glasses, and twigs. Finally however, he found the map with a beaming grin on his face.
He took out his wand and lightly tapped the paper as enunciated their catchphrase. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”
Ink spread through the parchment instantly, as the hundreds of students that roamed the castle showed up on the map. Peter approached James to observe the other pupil’s movements, as it was always fun. Remus had approached the library, where Lily Evans and Mary MacDonald were already. Numerous students were headed towards their dorms because of the looming curfew, but some stuck around. More specifically, two stuck around.
Black and Mulciber.
"Look at this, Pete," James said in a hushed tone, nudging Peter towards their names on the parchment. "Mulciber and Regulus are out near the Clock Tower,"
Peter glanced at the map briefly, then shrugged nonchalantly. "So what? It's probably just some Slytherin thing. We should stay out of it, James. Besides, Minnie will have our heads if she catches us again."
James frowned, torn between curiosity and caution. "But what if they're up to something? It could be important. And Mulciber… he's a right dodgy bloke."
Peter looked over the map again. "Mulciber's always trouble. And Regulus… well, I— let's just leave them to it."
James hesitated, chewing on his lip. "But what if it's something serious, Pete? What if—"
Peter shook his head, this time purely remorseful as he cut him off. "Regulus is not Sirius, James. He’s not him.”
He made sure that the brunette could hear the pity in his voice as he was forced to face the truth. Regulus was not the same person as his brother.
Regulus was not Sirius.
James Fleamont Potter (J.F.P), September 4th 1975, Saturday
Regulus was not Sirius, of course not.
They weren’t the same, it would take James maybe five seconds to state ten characteristics that oppose the two, no questions asked. The brunette knew that, or so he thought he did. He wasn’t so sure anymore because Peter’s words had hit him like a hex, and a powerful one at that.
Maybe, had it been possible that he had gotten in over his head? Worrying about Regulus Black? That wasn’t something James did, ever. Come to think of it, he doubted that he ever saw Regulus’s name on the map either.
That was not something Sirius did, either.
And it seemed to be useless to continue to harass Regulus, he seemed to have surrendered all information he knew about Sirius’s whereabouts.
The most logical thing to do was just act as close to normal as possible.
That meant that he was going to join Remus on his neglecting-important-emotions journey, and also not talk to Regulus Black.
Because James Potter talking to Regulus Black was just as casual as Remus Lupin having a thing for Sirius.
This wasn’t what they did.
What they did consisted of pranks, pranks and some more pranks.
And sometimes, it consisted of trying to help their friends.
“Pete,” he called out across the room. Peter looked up from the History of Magic book he had been studying.
“Let’s try to do something useful instead of moping around,” the brunette announced as he pulled out his wand from his pocket.
The blond grinned as he threw the book off of himself and threw himself towards the taller. “More like it,” he said.
They continued to fail at transforming themselves into animagi for approximately half an hour, before Remus was of return, seemingly more exhausted than he had left. He had shrugged off the worried looks from his two roommates by saying that Lily and Mary were the real reason heart attacks exist. ‘Lily is a heart attack in a glass and Mary is dehydration in a pill-capsule,’ he had muttered beneath his breath as he slipped into his bedsheets and was fast asleep.
Peter and James had taken the time to appreciate Remus’s attempt at a light-hearted joke, before they also placed themselves beneath their own sheets. From the sounds of snoring and lack of movement, James had assumed that both boys were asleep. But he couldn’t sleep.
Maybe tomorrow, he thought.
Maybe Sirius would be of return the next day, and so James could sleep in peace.
J.F.P, September 10th 1975, Wednesday
With each passing day, Remus’s fuse seemed to shorten and then some. There were four days left until the next moon and the werewolf wasn’t handling it all too passively, to say the least.
“Remus! Fucking stop it mate, please!” pleaded Peter as he tried to rip away the punishment-essay McGonagall had assigned Remus from Remus’s hand. Nonetheless, the brunette continued to try and demolish the parchment he had poured hours into.
“I’ll bite. Let go,” growled Remus.
“You don’t bite,” replied James from across the room. He was currently bent over his bed, searching the map that was splayed out across his bed for a specific someone.
Just as Remus snapped towards the other brunette, Peter used this opening as an opportunity to safely rip out the parchment from the taller’s hands. “There. I’ll make sure Minnie receives it,” he huffed.
Remus snapped back towards him as he barked absolute nonsense his way. “Fuck you, what the fuck’s gotten into you? Just let me fucking shred that piece of vile—“
“Mate, calm it. Just say you miss arguing with Sirius and let it be,” accused James.
“Don’t deny it,” added Peter.
Of course, Remus frowned and walked around the room for a few moments before protesting anyways. Neither of his dorm mates paid him much mind anymore.
When the same scene had occurred during breakfast, they had both excused themselves on the brunette’s behalf and explained that ‘Sirius’s absence had some effects on Remus’s mental wellbeing’. Surprisingly, many had believed it without questioning what kind of mental disturbance could have caused Remus to be cursing out toast.
It had been a week since James had talked to Regulus. He hadn’t even seen the boy ever since their interaction. He didn’t know if the reason behind this was that James was too out of it to notice anyone, or because Regulus had perhaps decided to avoid him. He settled on the latter, however, as he realised that for him to not notice anyone, would mean to not notice their absence either.
James didn’t care.
James did not, and would continue to not care about Regulus Black.
He’s a Black, he repeated to himself for what seemed to be the hundredth time that morning soley. He’s a Black, he’s from Slytherin, he doesn’t care about me, he misses Sirius. Fuck, he’s a Black. He. is. a. Black. He believes in what his family believes. The Blacks are his family. He’s friends with Snivellus. He’s a Black. He is forever a Black. He’s not Sirius. Sirius is a Black. But no, Regulus believes in what his family believes. But Sirius is his family, technically… No, fuck no, Sirius is not a Black. He is, but he isn’t. He is, on paper, and by blood, a Black, but that’s all. Regulus is a member of that family.
Probably.
James needed something to ground himself. He had never felt so unwell in his entire life. He remembered being sick to the point he was throwing up every sip of water that dared go down his throat, and even that seemed better at the moment.
Sweat ran down his face. He wiped away the beads as he inhaled sharply. He looked at the map intently. He had two options: go on the pitch and train until he started panting like an unwell hound, or stay indoors, where Regulus Black appeared to be. In the library, more specifically.
But Regulus is a Black.
Regulus Black is a Black.
Regulus is a Black, like the rest of his family is.
Regulus is, he just is.
Regulus is.
”Oi, James?” asked Remus.
The shorter brunette turned away from the map, but he still had a faraway look in his eyes. Regulus just is, was all he could think. He didn’t know what that meant, but he knew it was the truth. Regulus just is.
”James,” the werewolf called again, this time with a hint of curiosity in his voice.
“Hm?” was James’s reaction.
Peter uttered as he warily approached him: “Mate? What’s gotten into you?”
James continued to stare off where Remus was standing for a while longer before he finally came back to his senses. “Oh, just zoned off. Sorry, Pete,” he apologized for having spooked the blond.for whatever reason
Remus narrowed his eyes, seeing right through James’s lies, but opting to keep quiet. He cleared his throat before he reached into a pack of cigarettes that were on his nightstand and took out two. He placed one between his lips that were visibly raw from how much he had been chewing on them and offered the second one to James. He reacted unexpectedly quickly, snatching it from Remus and placing it between his own bruised lips. Peter groaned as he placed a smoke repellent charm around his bed.
James approached the window to open it entirely anyways, he didn’t enjoy the smell lingering in the room afterwards. Remus followed suit after he found his muggle, pocket sized fire hazard, as Peter liked to call it. He leaned forward to let Remus light his cig, pulling back when he got the first whiff of the burning contents. Remus lit his own with similar ease before pushing back against the wall by the window. It was quiet for a while. It was the kind of silence James would swim within forever with Sirius by his side.
Remus turned to watch what Peter was occupied with, and took a big inhale of the cigarette in his hand when he saw the blond was in the shower.
“What was that?” suddenly queried Remus.
“Nothing,” James replied.
The taller one cocked his head mockingly. “I see right through you, you liar.”
“It’s just, I’m— unsure.” admitted James.
“Of what?”
“Regulus.”
“Do you think he’s hiding something?”
“Ah, no, no, Merlin no. Not like that. I just don’t know who he is, what he is. I don’t know where he stands,” the shorter one let the words flow out of his mouth with no filter. This always happened when Remus cornered him into talking things out. James brought up the cigarette up to his lips, dragging a long one.
Remus nodded whilst intently watching James. “Why do you care?” he settled on asking.
“I don’t care. But sometimes I can’t help wondering if he’s like Sirius.”
“Ask him about the Mark,” the werewolf suggested curtly.
James faltered for a split second before he stared at Remus as if he had just asked James to jump out the window. “That’s— no, I couldn’t possibly do that.”
“Why? If you’re so bothered to the point that you’re smoking, you need to do something ‘bout it.”
The shorter glanced between the cigarette in his fingers and Remus before raising it to his lips once again. “I’m smoking because I miss Sirius.”
“Sirius doesn’t smoke these,” Remus stated, suddenly sullen. He sounded frail now.
James frowned. “Yes he does? You guys joke out here all day and all night.”
The taller one rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but he doesn’t smoke these. He smokes the fancy ones,” he chuckled towards the end, but it was dull. He was met with an observant James who had an oh so sorrowful smile on his face as he watched him, it made Remus’s breath catch in his throat.
“Are you going to tell him then?” James asked.
Instantly, Remus knew what he was talking about. How could he not? “No,” he retorted simply, leaving for somewhere distant as he stared off towards the sky. “Sometimes, you can see his star even during the day. He’s that fucking incredible, James.” he continued after a beat of silence.
James didn’t dare speak after that.
Remus Lupin was a fucking liar, just like James himself. The werewolf did not like Sirius, no, he was in love. He really did love Sirius like he was fresh air. Remus didn’t have to say it for James to see it, it was obvious.
James continued to follow Remus’s strategies.
He continued to ignore the growing ache in his chest. He willingly opted to neglect the sharp pain that stabbed at him every time he wondered what Regulus Black was up to.
————————————
J.F.P, September 14th 1975, Sunday
James would not stop being alive during the weeks it took for Sirius to come back. He was going to brag about this to Sirius later on.
James was eating, drinking, blinking, sleeping, waking up, moving, talking and listening. He was not entirely sure that he understood some things, but that much was expected from someone in his situation. He thought he could think, but it was possible that he actually could not think, which would have led him to mistakenly decide that he could.
It was all a little complexe, James couldn’t understand it. Not these days.
He had gotten a letter from his parents again. He always did. Sirius never did nowadays. James missed the Howlers that arrived at the Gryffindor table like clockwork every Monday. He missed the feeling of his skin being torn apart because Sirius was upset once again. He missed comforting Sirius. He missed Sirius. He needed to talk to Sirius.
His lungs were working.
His heart was beating.
His brain was not dead.
His body was not limp.
His body was not cold.
His eyes moved.
There was no funeral for James Fleamont Potter.
Was he drunk?
He definitely did not feel drunk.
He would be happier if he were drunk, right?
Or maybe not.
Who even got drunk off of a single bottle of Firewhiskey?
James, maybe.
He did not know.
Anything.
He knew one thing, actually.
The clock tower was a horrid place.
He hated it, apparently.
How had he gotten to the clock tower?
He would go back in the morning.
Maybe Sirius would be back then.
————————————
Remus John Lupin, September 15th 1975, Monday
Remus reread the seventh letter he had written to Sirius, who couldn’t even bother to show up on the day of the moon.
He hated Sirius, he had to because loving him hurt more.
To Sirius,
Where are you? James and Pete are worried. Get your shit together and come back here already. Unless you’re in danger and unwell. Then don’t do anything even stupider than what got you into that situation. Stop being so fucking stubborn, alright? Just for once. Just, don’t. If that is the case, we’ll get you out. Just tell me you’re alive.
Please. You’re going to fail your classes and your O.W.Ls. James might wait around forever but not everyone is James, and I know for a fact that you can’t make it without me, so just come back.
Sincerely yours,
Remus
This piece of parchment would never see the light of day again, so he didn’t really understand why he had lied.
Sirius would not fail his O.W.Ls even if he got sent to Azkaban, he could very well make it without Remus, and James and Peter aren’t the only ones worried. Remus is too.
Most importantly of all, however, Remus would gladly wait for Sirius, even if it meant waiting till the end of time, then eternity and then some. Remus would die and live through as many life times as needed if it meant that at the end, he got to have the boy of his dreams. Actually, he would do that if it meant that he got to be with Sirius. He couldn’t have him. That was the textbook definition of asking for too much.
Sirius wasn’t Remus’s.
Remus wasn’t Sirius’s.
Oh, but how he wished that wasn't the case. He wished so because he knew they would be lovely. Sirius would be the happiest being to exist in this universe, and all the other ones. Remus knew how to push his buttons, but he knew better how to love him.
He wanted to sob.