Sirius is getting impatient. The train is going to leave any minute and Remus ‘ever-so-punctual’ Lupin has yet to grace them with his presence. Sirius found that, after spending all summer at Grimmauld Place, his Moony had no place there. He didn’t want those warm, golden eyes to ever see inside that house, didn’t want them to see this part of him. Partly because he knew they were the only eyes that would truly understand. The other, more selfish, part knew that they were his weakness.
So for three months, Sirius locked Moony away. He always suppressed them - James, Remus and Peter - because then at least he could try and keep Walburga’s jagged claws from scratching them, or him. But this time, Remus had to go completely. Before he had even turned twelve he had learned that there is nothing these people could not find hidden in the depths of your mind. Before he had turned fourteen, he had found strength in himself to keep those parts of himself far away from the rest of his thoughts. So he kept Remus in a box far in the back of his mind and when things got hard, he didn’t let himself open the box to find comfort there as he usually would, no, he just screamed. He screamed at it and kicked it and abused it and hurled all of his anger and hatred and desperation at it. He needed to hate it. He just sat there as each of the sharp, slippery people round his dining room table praised him for submitting, for fighting against the lion and finally accepting the snake.
By the end of the summer, he didn’t even flinch when Walburga’s polished fingers straightened his robes and her wand easily sliced his hair to perfectly match his father and his brother. James would kill him if he knew how Sirius let them win. But surely this was better, it kept Remus safe this way. He wanted to maintain it, to keep pushing Remus into that box until he disappeared. And that is why he was so annoyed that Remus is late. It is easy to hate him now.
And then Remus finally rushes through the carriage doors. And Sirius tries, he does, but all he can think is oh I am so fucked.
He is far taller than Sirius remembers, now towering over even James. Remus is the kind of person you would expect to be really lanky and boney, but Sirius knows that he is actually very strong. Not to say that he hadn’t had his awkward, lanky phase but that seemed to be far behind him now. He is wearing tattered jeans with a red label on the back, a Moony jumper and has on some cool shoes that he had gotten from some doctor called Martin or something? He has a small bit of paper rolled up and stuck behind his ear which should look silly but somehow he makes it look so cool.
The box in his mind has well and truly been opened but then Remus reaches to put his case on the luggage shelf and his jumper hitches up to reveal a strip of skin and the box doesn’t even exist anymore. And it’s as if he is TRYING to make Sirius’ life more difficult because then he fucking speaks.
“Hey Pads.” Fuck his voice is deep. Was it always this deep?
“Moony.” He smiles. Shit. He was supposed to be hating him! Why is it that as soon as he looks at that floppy hair and smirking smile (Sirius will forever maintain that the year Remus had muggle braces contributed massively to his gay awakening) he is instantly reduced to mush?
The entirety of the train ride is absolute torture for Sirius. And he has actually been tortured so he can officially say that watching Moony play with the mismatched silver rings on his fingers is far more excruciating than any form of cruciatus. No he is not being dramatic.
He avoids direct conversation with just Remus until they are walking to their dorms that evening. He didn’t realise how much he missed the smell of the common room until he walked in. It’s so cosy and warm, he had never felt the difference between Hogwarts and Grimmauld so strongly before.
“Good to be back eh Pads.” James slaps his shoulder before he runs up the stairs to get in his pyjamas because ‘IT’S COSY TIME BABIES, GET THOSE JAMMIES ON’.
“Have you missed it?” Sirius turns towards the voice, “There’s nothing quite like it is there.” God, if only he knew. Instead he just nods.
Moony sits down on the sofa and pulls out a green tin of what looks like tea leaves as well as a small packet of thin paper.
“What are you doing?” Sirius peers over after collapsing onto the sofa next to him. “What is that?”
“A roll-up.” Sirius looks at him blankly while Remus looks at him like it is the most obvious thing in the world. “You know? A cigarette?”
Ah, like that thing in the poster of David Bowie that Remus had put up on their wall. He still doesn’t really understand what they are for but he does know they look cool as fuck.
Whilst he is talking Remus is rolling the leaves tight into one of the papers. Then he folds the edge of the paper over and licks along the edge. It is single-handedly the hottest thing Sirius has ever seen and he is trying so hard not to think about other things that tongue can do. Remus says something after that but Sirius can’t hear it because his gaze is drawn back to the other boy's mouth. And then something life-changing happens.
He spots a glint of metal when Remus’ tongue darts out again to seal part of the paper that was left. If that is what Sirius thinks it is, he is absolutely fucked.
“Pads?”
“Huh, what?” Sirius drags his stare back to Moony’s eyes. They are looking at him, confused.
“Thought I lost you there for a second there.”
“What…oh, no you just- I mean, I can’t,” god get your shit together Sirius, “your mouth.” Fuck. Yeah that was not what he wanted to say.
“My mouth?” The confusion in Remus’ eyes is all of a sudden tinted with mischief, the same look he gets when he is masterminding a new prank. Sirius is in trouble.
“Uh. Your tongue?” What is happening to him?! Why can’t he even form a proper sentence right now?!
Moony raises his eyebrows, “Mhm, yep. I have one of those.”
He can tell Remus is enjoying this but he has to end this or he is actually going to die of either embarrassment or sexual frustration.
“Tongue piercing. You…uh…have one?” Not great but it will do.
Now it’s Moony’s turn to blush. “Oh uh, yeah. Got it over summer,” he sticks his tongue out at Sirius, “you like it?”
And that has to be a joke because Sirius genuinely thinks there is nothing he likes more. You know how he said Remus licking the paper was the hottest thing he had ever seen? I think he may have just changed his mind. He wants to know what it tastes like.
“It hurt like a bitch,” Remus sighs.
Sirius shakes his head, “yeah maybe for you, but I wouldn’t even flinch.”
“Uh okay sure Mr-Wipe-My-Tears-Whilst-I-Get-My-Ear-Pierced.”
“That was different!” Sirius throws a cushion at him indignantly, “Anyone would cry if you were coming at them with a needle.”
Remus falls into Padfoot’s side, stabbing an imaginary dagger into his chest. Then he looks up at him and bats those long eyelashes, wounded. “Don’t you trust me, Pads?”
Not when you look at me with those eyes and then I have to go back to pretending they don’t break me open, Sirius thinks.
He smiles innocently at Remus, before saying, “not even if my life depended on it, Moons.”
“Oh charming.” Remus shoves him away, playfully. He grabs the cigarette from where he had left it on the arm of the sofa. “Want me to roll you one?”
Sirius tried to mentally calculate how long he thought a cigarette took to smoke. He should really head to bed, no doubt James will have him up early to get to the quidditch pitch. Not to mention the longer he is down here with Moony, the less likely he is to be able to sleep at all. But despite all his rational thoughts he finds himself saying yes.
It becomes a regular occurance after that. The first time had Remus in hysterics while he watched Sirius cough uncontrollably, but he has gotten more used to it. They always wait it out, staying in the common room until everyone else has gone to bed before moving towards the window seat where Moony lights his cig for him. It is his favourite time of the day, he gets Remus all to himself.
Mary Macdonald is far cleverer than people give her credit for. Remus went to bed straight after their smoke one night, but Sirius stayed sat by the window. That is when Mary appeared through the archway at the bottom of the stairs and said, “So, how long have you fancied Remus then?”
His heart stops. “What?”
“Oh don’t try and deny it Black, I just watched you stare at his arse as he walked away.”
Mary has this smirk spread across her face which Sirius would normally find hot but he can't help but just feel like there is something missing. Her lips are too full, her canines aren’t pointy and there is no scar across her top lip.
“How did you know?”
“Don’t get your knickers in a twist, he doesn’t know. You aren’t THAT obvious. But I know what pining looks like and you, Sirius Black, are currently the walking definition.”
Some part of him reels at that. It’s that part drilled into him by Walburga over and over again. It was different before, it was fine when he was the only one who knew. But now someone else knows, she knows and has the power to ruin his life. He knows that it’s Mary and she wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt him but that feeling of dread still trickles down his spine. It’s like he can feel his mothers icy words frost through his blood. ‘Toujours pur Sirius. No son of mine.’
Mary snaps her fingers in his face. “Fuck ‘em.”
Sirius blinks up at her, “Sorry?”
“Fuck. Them. Your family? They don’t deserve you.” Sirius just gives her a small smile. “The only thing you have to worry about now is, what are we going to do about it?”
Well isn’t that a loaded question. “About my family? Honestly not sure how much you can help me there Macdonald, you aren’t exactly likely to get into their gang if that’s what you’re after - y’know with the whole muggle parents thing and all…”
She sighs. “About Remus. Sirius, about Remus.” Oh yeah. That.
“I don’t know! Mary, he’s my best friend. What if it ruins everything?”
“I’m afraid there’s only one way to find out.” She lays her head on his shoulder. “But wouldn’t you rather live knowing that you tried? That in spite of everything, you didn’t let those people take you apart until you were nothing but an empty shell?”
“But those people,” Sirius says quietly, “they’re my family. I might hate them but they are still my family.”
“Not anymore, Black.” She looks him in the eyes. “We’re your family now. And you’re stuck with us forever.”
Another few weeks pass of unsuccessful pining and knowing looks from all of the girls because: ‘Well I couldn’t very well keep it from Marlene! Lily would have figured it out soon enough anyway! Alice is in our dorm, she was bound to find out eventually!’ And suddenly it is the beginning of November.
Sirius’ birthday is never a quiet affair. It has been weeks of planning, days of compiling every kind of alcohol they can find and a morning of enchanting Moony’s muggle record player so that it can flip and change vinyl itself.
It has all led to Sirius sprawled across Mary’s bed whinging, “I need to look so unbelievably hot Mary but I hate everything in my wardrobe and my hair looks awful.”
“Oh my fucking god. No wonder your family wants to disown you, you are so annoying.”
“Uh how dare you use my trauma against me!” Sirius collapses onto the floor, pretending to sob.
“Okay. I am bored of you.” she turns to shout down the stairs, “LILY! ALICE!”
They come stumbling through the door just as Mary stands up and claps her hands. “Girls, I have a moping Sirius Black on my bed and there is only one thing to do about it. Alice get your hairbrush, Lily grab my makeup bag and you,” she points at Sirius, “are allowed complete access to my entire wardrobe for one night only. Right. Let’s get you hot baby.”
It’s only an hour before Sirius is walking out of the girls’ bathroom, ready to go. The girls are all looking at each other smugly and Sirius thinks they have every right to. He has never felt so himself before. His hair had grown quite a lot now so Alice tied it in a bun on top of his head, pulling out hair around his face so that he didn’t feel so done up. Lily had painted his nails black, curled his lashes and smudged eyeliner around his eyes. Sirius chose a flared leg denim jumpsuit from Mary’s wardrobe (she was not happy that it looked better on him).
Sirius waits in the girls’ room, gossiping about all of the people in their year who had been caught shagging during the prefect rounds and watching the girls get ready. There is something so calming about watching them put on makeup and brush their hair. God, women are so beautiful. Shame he doesn’t fancy any of them. He is also maybe kind of nervous about what Moony is going to think about how he looks. That’s why he sneaks a few shots of firewhisky and waits until he hears the increasing hum of Freddie Mercury's voice from the common room before walking down the stairs.
He takes a minute to look over the room before he reaches the floor. Sometimes he can’t quite believe that all these people are here for him. I mean, of course some are just here for the party, but he can safely say he has had an actual conversation with at least 80% of them. Bit different to his birthdays before, with Regulus tiptoeing into his room at midnight to pass him some secret, handmade present. He doesn’t have to be loved in secret anymore.
There are already people dancing in the middle of the room and a couple making out clumsily on the sofa. Peter is in the corner looking longingly at Dorcas Meadowes who, in turn, is looking longingly at Marlene McKinnon. Sirius sees Remus standing against the wall, lazily balancing a beer bottle between two fingers while he watches Prongs gesticulate wildly in front of him. He doesn’t spot Sirius yet, so he still has a bit of time to admire Remus from his place on the step. He is wearing a cream lace shirt tucked into his levi jeans and Sirius has to steady himself on the wall for a minute. He so rarely gets to see this much of Remus’ skin all at once, he feels like he might actually combust. And oh my god why had he never noticed Moony’s biceps before?
“Ugh finally!” James' voice pulls Sirius from his drooling, “The birthday boy has arrived!”
Sirius leaps from the step to ruffle James’ hair and grab the bottle of firewhisky in his hand before shouting, “let’s fucking dance!”
The whole room descends into chaos after that, random people handing him shots and girls kissing him on the cheek. After a little while he is significantly tipsy and has danced with enough girls that he starts to wonder where James has gone. Surely he is off with Evans somewhere.
He finds the girls giggling on the sofa, watching a slightly dishevelled Frank Longbottom try to flirt with Alice. He lays dramatically across their laps, “Evans where is Prongs?”
“Hmm? Oh James?” Sirius nods, pouting, “last I saw he was very un-subtly trying to walk towards the portrait hole.”
Odd. Everyone who James could possibly want to see is here in this room. Unless he has some secret lover hidden away in the castle somewhere. Hah! Sirius laughs aloud at that thought. As if James Potter could ever keep a secret from him, especially if he was seeing someone. He must be going to get more alcohol - he was always the best at turning the charm on for the elves in the kitchen.
He rolls dramatically off of the girls’ laps and onto the floor before being pulled to his feet by a girl called Emmeline. She was nice enough, Sirius sat next to her in charms last year, so he let her lead him to the middle of the dancing bodies. He tried to dance with her a bit but it suddenly felt all a bit too warm and there were too many bodies pressing against him. He could feel her hand on his face but he just wanted to get away. Emmeline was leaning in and Sirius could feel the stares from all of the girls surrounding them and he needed to get the fuck out of here right now.
He feels like a bit of a dick, ducking out of her arms before she manages to reach his lips, so he runs towards the window seat and puts his head between his knees. He can’t breathe.
“You seem like you’re enjoying yourself.”
He can hear something off in Moony’s tone but Sirius can’t even bring himself to look up at him.
“Fucking hell Sirius. How much have you even had?”
He sounds angry. Why is he angry? Sirius should be angry at him for taking up so much of his stupid brain with his stupid pretty face. Remus is all he can smell and he wants to be able to forever. All cigarettes and chocolate and parchment and books. So that’s what he focuses on until he doesn’t notice anything else.
“Right just ignore me then.”
No, no, no. Sirius doesn’t want to ignore him but he can’t breathe and he can’t open his eyes or everyone will see his tears.
Then softer, he says, “Pads?”
Fuck he is going to cry, he can’t stop it. He needs to get his shit together.
“Hey, hey, Pads,” Remus is sitting down next to him, “c’mon let’s go upstairs.”
Sirius is holding onto Remus so tight as he leads them both through the crowd and he feels part of his chest relax once he hears the door close behind them, shutting out all the noise.
“Pads, I am going to need you to breathe for me. Open your eyes, keep them on me.” Sirius looks up, Remus holds his gaze and breathes with him.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
Over and over.
Sirius didn’t even notice that Remus was sitting on his knees between his legs with one hand on his chest and one on his leg. God if Sirius hadn’t just had a panic attack, this alone would have made him stop breathing.
Remus smiles softly, “Hey.”
“Hi.”
“You’re okay, I’m here, you are in our dorm and it’s your birthday. I’ve got you, you’re okay. Can you breathe?”
He takes a deep breath, “Yeah.”
“Good,” Remus smiles that fucking smile, “good.”
Sirius can’t help but drop his eyes to Moony’s lips for a second. He manages to drag his eyes back up and blushes once he realises that Remus has been watching him the whole time.
Remus is breathing shallowly as he looks at Sirius. Fuck, is this happening?
Sirius looks down again when he bites his bottom lip and oh my god he needs to kiss this boy right now.
“We should probably head back downstairs.”
WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID HE SAY THAT HIS MOUTH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE KISSING REMUS RIGHT NOW WHY DID IT BETRAY HIM LIKE THAT?!
Remus opens his mouth to say something but apparently decides against it. Sirius knows he has majorly fucked up. He lets Moony give him a small smile before sighing, “Okay.”
They walk down the stairs in silence and Sirius needs more alcohol because what if Moony knew that he was going to kiss him and now he didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Maybe he only helped him out of pity and Sirius took advantage of that by wanting to kiss him. He should never listen to Mary’s advice again. He knew he would ruin everything.
He can hear his mothers voice in his head, ripping into his soul, burning him for ever even thinking this was okay. That he was good enough for Remus. Remus who is so kind and warm and safe. Maybe she was right - Sirius was everything wrong about this world. He will just hurt Moony and that is something he swore he would never let himself do.
Remus pauses to look back at him at the bottom of the stairs but Sirius just murmurs something about finding James and rushes into the crowd of sweaty teenagers.
He grabs a bottle of firewhisky off of the table and begins to move with every single body he comes into contact with. Throwing his hands in the air and singing as loud as he can because fuck it, it’s his birthday and he doesn’t want to think anymore.
Remus is standing by the wall again, looking defiantly at the cup in his hand and ignoring everyone talking around him. He looks so sad.
And Sirius knows he shouldn’t, knows he possibly just fucked up their whole friendship but he wants Remus to look at him. God, he is so drunk.
“Mary!” He stomps across to where she is shamelessly flirting with some 7th year boy and grabs her arm, dragging her up the stairs.
“This better be good Black, I was about to get a proper snog.”
“I need Remus to look at me. And not just see me Mary, actually look at me.”
Her eyes sparkle, “Say no more.”
She didn’t change much about his look but now he has the jumpsuit unzipped down to his waist to reveal his chest, where she is spraying some kind of glitter. She re-ties his hair and adds some dark red lip gloss before smacking his arse and winking.
“Go get your man.”
And Sirius is planning to.
He saunters back out into the common room, grabbing Lily and Marlene on his way to the middle of the room. He needs his girls with him right now. He manoeuvres them just into Remus’ eye-line before twirling Lily around and dipping her to the floor. She squeals and twirls him back, the three of them then dancing on each other and singing all the wrong lyrics. And still Moony won’t look at him.
There is a boy smiling at him from where he is standing at the fireplace. He is looking him up and down and…fuck it why not. So he rolls his hips and drops his head back and then the boy is in front of him and there are hands on his waist and he just keeps on dancing. He can feel Walburga’s disdain crawling over his skin but he just keeps on dancing. It doesn’t matter that he is pretending the hands creeping down from his waist to his arse belong to someone else because he is too drunk to care and he likes how it feels. So he just. Keeps. On. Dancing.
But then the hands are gone and he is being pulled back into someone else. The boy in front of him looks confused and kind of angry, so Sirius tries to pull away from whoever is behind him but all of a sudden-
“Don’t you fucking dare.”
Oh fuck.
“All night,” it’s practically a growl, “You’ve been dancing like that, all hips and arse, with this fucking outfit on. Batting those lashes at anyone that passes you a drink. Letting girls kiss you. Letting people touch you.”
Sirius drops his head back onto Moony’s shoulder, feeling his breath across his neck and his hand pull at his hair. He doesn’t feel very drunk anymore. He turns around until they lock eyes.
“I don’t like it when other people touch you. I want to be the only one.”
“Then kiss me.”
And he does. By god he does. His lips finally meet Moony’s and they are so perfect, it takes him a second to kiss him back. But then it is just everything he has ever dreamed of. He never, ever wants this to stop. His whole world is reduced to Moony’s lips and his hands and his teeth scraping Sirius’ lips and the feeling of his fucking tongue piercing. Sirius thinks he would be happy if he died right now.
It takes for James screaming at the top of his lungs to break them apart but Sirius and Remus still can’t take their eyes off each other. Sirius gives a breathy laugh as their foreheads fall together, smiling.
Best birthday ever.
Sirius ignores Mary’s smirk, the girl crying in the corner, James standing on a table shouting “THOSE ARE MY BEST FRIENDS, FUCK YEAH!” and wait, that person standing next to James looks like Regulus? But he doesn’t have a chance to dwell on it because Moony’s hands are all over him. He needs to get this boy to bed right now.
He pushes Remus against the door after it closes behind them, “I want you, Moons.”
Remus steps back to look at him, “You are so beautiful. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I think…I was scared.”
“Me too,” Sirius sighs, “But we don’t have to be anymore.” Fuck his family, Mary was right. He has a real family and now he has his perfect boy standing right in front of him, he isn’t letting him go.
“No. We don’t.” Remus sits on the end of his bed and runs his hands through his hair. “All those people’s hands all over you - I know I have no right to be jealous but fuck Pads…”
Sirius walks to stand between his legs, brushing his hands through Moony’s curls now.
“I don’t know, you’re hot when you’re jealous.” Sirius’ smile turns sincere when Moony looks up at him. “Thank you for helping me earlier. I don’t know what happened, I just, I couldn’t breathe down there.”
“Of course. I would do anything for you Pads. I am here anytime you need me.”
Sirius smirks down at his worried expression, leaning down to kiss him. But before he does, he whispers over Moony’s lips “I need you now.” Then he pulls away, leaving his Moon’s wanting lips behind.
Remus stands then, so he is standing over Sirius. He slides his hand around Padfoot’s neck, holding onto his jaw. He kisses him lightly.
“Oh don’t you worry baby, I’m gonna fuck you like a pornstar.”