Misa Amane is happy with her life.
L is dead. The biggest threat to her life— and to Light’s— is dead. This is a good thing. It can only be a good thing.
She smiles and wakes up early to make breakfast for her boyfriend just like she always does. He should propose to her soon, she thinks. They’ve been together for six years now. She can still remember the day they met— It was love at first sight, wasn’t it? The moment she saw his name above his head without the numbers that everybody else seemed to have, she knew he was the one, because he was Kira.
It was lucky that Kira happened to be an attractive boy around her age. It’s like he was everything she’s dreamed of. She could meet Kira in person, thank him for avenging her parents’ death, become an invaluable part of his plan and even be his girlfriend. His soulmate. Nothing in this world could ever be a greater honour than that.
There is no better person for her to be with. Clearly her life is perfect.
…She’s a good actress, isn’t she? Fooling herself like that day after day, repeating the lies in her head in the hopes that one day they’ll be all that’s left. That she’ll drown out the truth that lives inside of her, never to rise to the surface again.
But the flashback repeats.
“The only way to kill a Shinigami is to make them fall in love with a human.”
That’s what Rem had told her all those years ago. Before she had agreed to kill L, knowing that she would die with him. For Misa’s sake. For Misa’s love.
They were simply relaxing in Misa’s room after she was done with a shoot for the day, indulging in each other’s company and getting to know each other. At that time, Rem looked at Misa like she was an alien— In a way, humans were alien to Shinigami. Every single day, Rem would learn something completely new from Misa. There was a fascination to the way this Shinigami watched her, but it was not the same kind of fascination Ryuk felt for Light.
Ryuk couldn't take his eyes away from Light Yagami because watching him was like watching a car crash. But to Rem, watching Misa was more like watching flowers bloom in early springtime. New colours would emerge in the grass, colours she hadn’t even seen before, colours she didn’t know existed. But they were beautiful colours.
‘Radiant’ is a word that often came to Rem’s mind when she thought about Misa. Everything she did, she did with passion. Everything she felt, she felt strongly.
Misa had asked Rem if she was in love with her that day. As the thought replayed in her mind, she realised something.
“Just forget it. You really think you can kill me that easily?”
…Rem didn’t say ‘no’. She was avoiding the question. The answer was ‘yes’ and she already knew that. Before Misa met Light, before Rem agreed to kill L, before the whole fiasco with the Yotsuba corporation— Rem had already begun to fall in love, and even if she didn’t fully realise it at the time, Misa had felt that love every time they interacted.
Rem loved her too much to let her die, but she also loved her too much to get in the way of her happiness. As much as Rem disliked Light, she believed that he was the person Misa was in love with. So she spared him, cooperated with him, did everything in her power to make sure he and Misa could stay together because she thought that’s what would make Misa happy.
That’s why Rem never confronted Misa with her feelings before she died. Maybe it’s because she was a Shinigami, maybe it’s because Misa was letting obsession drive her every move, or maybe it’s because both of them were inexperienced with love— but neither of them could see the solution even if it was dangling in front of their faces.
Not that Misa was completely oblivious. She didn’t recognise her own feelings until it was too late, and even now she was pushing them down. But back then, she would occasionally flirt and tease Rem to see how she’d react. It was entertaining, because she didn’t get flustered in the way a human would. Sometimes the sweet comments would go right over her head.
Misa had bought matching outfits for them to try one afternoon. Rem didn’t see the point at first. Shinigami don’t need clothes, they don’t need protection from the elements nor do they have anything that needs to be covered, but if Misa wanted to try it then it was worth a shot. When the two were out shopping together, Misa asked for Rem’s opinions on the clothes while pretending to be on her cell phone so people didn’t think she was talking to herself. For almost every item of clothing, Rem’s answer was ‘I don’t know’— until Misa showed her a white dress with accents of purple.
“If you want us to look coordinated together, I think that’s a good choice.”
It was a simple response, but Misa remembered smiling wide at it and immediately purchasing two of them. The larger one had to be tailored to fit Rem’s towering stature, but Misa was no stranger to modifying her clothes, so it was no problem. Something about doing this for Rem made her feel good about herself, and when they stood side by side, they looked like they could have been an idol duo. Misa was even wearing hoop earrings and purple lipstick to better match the Shinigami. Their height difference was almost comical, but that just made them look more striking next to each other.
When Rem looked in the mirror to see both of them side by side, she smiled.
Rem didn’t smile often. It was a weak smile, somewhat reminiscent of the Mona Lisa. Even with the fangs— especially with the fangs— it was beautiful. Rem was beautiful.
And now she was gone.
To Misa, it felt like years ago and it felt like yesterday. All this time she’d been pushing down her grief like an overfilled rubbish bin, waiting for someone else to take it out.
That wasn’t the only time she and Rem had done something like that. Misa loved showing Rem her hobbies and interests, showing her what humans do to get to know each other. There were so many memories, so many mementos in her closet and on her shelves in her old bedroom. She stored them away with love, labelling Rem’s clothes with white stickers that had her name written in glittery purple ink.
Just like Rem, those were gone too. She threw them out when she moved in with Light, wanting to rid herself of clutter. In her house and in her mind.
She regretted it, but she wouldn’t admit that to herself. She didn’t need Rem. She had Kira— she had Light Yagami. Light, who was the person she loved— Rem had even said it herself back when L had her confined— Light, the person she was most thankful for, the person she couldn’t wait to spend the rest of her life with…
The rest of her life with…
With…
Without Rem.
Misa had finished cooking. She didn’t have time to make an elaborate meal and Light didn’t have time to eat one. It was usually just a simple omelette with rice. Light rarely talked during breakfast no matter how much Misa prompted him to, and when he did, it was always related to their work as Kira. Sometimes he’d even leave without eating, with a simple call of ‘bye Misa’ serving as the only indication he’d been there that morning at all.
This is one of those wordless days. Misa asks him questions he won’t answer, tells him anecdotes he isn’t listening to, and tells him to be safe as he leaves her behind again. She tells herself it’s because he’s tired and busy trying to juggle all of his responsibilities and not because he doesn’t love her, never has, and never will.
When he leaves, it’s time for Misa to be the hand of Kira.
She still has the same Death Note Rem had originally given to her. Light hasn’t been able to act as Kira himself anymore since officially joining the NPA, so he had entrusted that responsibility to her. She looks at its familiar cover with arvc-5 written on the front. Same notebook, different Shinigami. Ryuk is the one connected to it now, and he stands behind her as she sets everything up. The book sits open on the coffee table next to Misa’s laptop as she scrolls through online threads full of people reporting criminals, one hand on the trackpad and the other holding her fountain pen as she writes.
“…You good? You seem a little shaken up there.”
Misa jumps at the question, turning around to look at Ryuk. She thought she was still smiling— and she is. But she’s holding her pen in an all too casual fashion as if she’s about to write her own signature. Will she go to the same place as Rem when she dies? Even if that ‘place’ is nothingness, the thought gives her some kind of strange comfort.
She just nods her head and tells Ryuk that she’s fine, really! There’s nothing to worry about, she’s just a little distracted.
But in her mind, she can’t keep her true feelings quiet for much longer.
‘I want her to possess me so badly it hurts.’