Chapter 2
Lily is smushed against Remus in the backseat of Mary’s Polo, “Can you open a window, Mary, I’m so hot back here.”
“Yeah,” Mary cries, “Sorry, we are nearly there.”
Lily feels the cold air of the window blast in and loudly sighs with relief.
“Whose stupid idea was it to give the boys a lift?” She murmurs. She should have just asked Barty to pick her up.
“Yours,” Sirius says from the passenger seat, “Just be glad you're not sweet James.”
“I’m fine back here,” James shouts from the boot, and the poor boy means it as well. As he is Lily’s ex, Mary said he must be the one in the boot. The true martyr of the group, well, other than Marlene, who was letting a bunch of drunk teenagers in her house.
“Sure, you are, James,” Mary calls back to him, and Lily has to stifle her laugh in her arm.
When they finally pull up, Pete practically runs out of the car, “Fucking hell, that was hell on earth.”
“You’re so dramatic,” Mary rolls her eyes, but secretly, Lily agrees.
She walks up the door with a bottle of Malibu and texts Marlene that they are outside. It takes two seconds before the door swings open, and Dorcas is smiling at them, “Come on in.”
“Mi casa es su casa!” Marlene cries out in a horrific Spanish accent that is probably slightly offensive.
“Ay!” James cries out, pumping a bottle of vodka in the air and of course, Sirius joins in.
“They are such idiots,” Remus says fondly, watching the two of them and Marlene dance around.
“You’re the one dating one of them, so who is really the idiot?” Lily giggles.
“Nah, you’re the idiot,” Remus quips back as he walks backwards into the kitchen.
“How am I the idiot?”
“You broke up with one of them,” Remus smirks, then turns around.
God, she needs a drink.
So, she has one… or two… or three, and maybe she loses count. She stands, well, sways with some girls from her English class for a bit. They spend a good few minutes passing compliments back and forth and telling each other how great at English they are. Then she hangs by Mary as she watches Ralph Romano kiss some blonde against the wall with a rather passionate amount of vigour.
“He wasn’t the one anyways, Mar,” Lily says.
“But he’s so pretty, Lily,” Mary pouts and then downs a quarter of her bottle.
“Okay, be careful with that,” Lily smirks, “We definitely don’t want a repeat of New Year’s.”
“Why can’t I remember what happened on New Year’s?” Mary asks with a squint.
“There’s no surprise there,” Lily laughs, “Let’s just say you made friends with the bottom of your cup.”
Mary giggles, “You speak so fancy, Lils, all Victorian and shit. Like Regulus…. or Sirius back in year 7.”
“You are pissed,” Lily nudges her, “How’s that for fancy.”
Mary grabs Lily’s face, “I was joking about that James stuff. You know that? Marlene said you didn’t know. We love you! We want the best for you!”
Lily feels her heart drop, and she meekly replies, “I know you think James was what’s best for me, but-.”
“No! No!” Mary shouts over the music, newly invigorated with a point, “Lily! You don’t understand, I’m saying I want what is best for you, and if that’s not James, then fuck him! Leave him in the boot!”
Lily huffs out a laugh and shakes her head, “James wasn’t right for me.”
“Then leave him in the boot!”
“Leave him in the boot!” Lily parrots.
“Yes!” Mary cries, “James Potter can get in the boot!”
Suddenly, with a wave of panic, she scans the living room for James, she doesn’t want him to have heard that. It would only hurt his feelings further.
She spots him by the front door talking to Regulus and his friends, including Barty.
“I gotta go say hi to them,” Lily says to Mary, pointing over to the door.
“Okay!” Mary shouts to her as Lily is carried away in the sea of people.
She squeezes past a dozen sweaty drunkards as she makes her way over, “Oi!”
“Evans,” Barty greets her.
She beams up at him. How has she never realised he is this tall?
“You’re so tall,” She says, putting her hands on his shoulders.
“You’re so drunk,” He replies with a bright grin.
She shakes her head, “Not really.”
“Yes, really,” He laughs and pulls her wrists away. She can feel the frown on her face before she can even register to wipe it away.
“I’m glad you're finally here,” She says quietly.
“What?” He cries, “I can’t hear you over the music.”
“Oh”, She articulates, then lifts herself to her tiptoes so she can say closer to his ear, “Where have you been? I thought you were gonna be here earlier.”
“Oh!” He says, “We got sidetracked by Pandora. Why’d you miss me?”
The sober version of her probably wouldn’t respond this way, but… “Yes.”
She watches his eyebrows fly up, “Oh really,” He says through a smile.
“Uh huh,” She nods.
-
Barty doesn’t quite know how to deal with a drunk Lily Evans, but he thinks he is doing swimmingly so far. He turns to his only friends who are not distracted by either Potter or Marlene, “Twins,” They both look up at the same time like those creepy Siamese cats, “I’m getting Evans some water.”
“Okay,” Pandora says and winks. She fucking winks at him. Subtle much.
Apparently, he isn’t the only one who noticed, “Why did Pandora wink at you?”
He knows Lily’s trust issues, and she probably thinks he is now luring her into some trap so he can steal her place at Cambridge or something crazy.
“Because she is stupid,” He says with his hand on the small of her back as he looks over her head to guide her to the kitchen. Most people are either slightly scared of him because they think he’s fucking violently crazy due to the rumours or are scared he is going to break into the school system and change their grades. After all, he did that to this cunt in year twelve who called Reg a slur. So, everyone moves out of the way pretty quickly.
“No, she’s not. She does Maths and Biology and Art,” Lily slurs, emphasising each subject, “Those are impossible subjects.”
“Not everything is about school, Evans,” He smiles.
She abruptly turns. “I know that Crouch,” she says as she tilts her head to the side, “Why did she wink?”
“I… Evans-” He tries.
“You dating her or something?” Well, that’s not what he expected her to say.
He barks out a laugh and leans down to whisper into her ear, “No, Lily, I am not dating her.”
“Oh,” Lily says, and he can see the way the apples of her cheeks turn a lovely pink colour, “I was just curious.”
He takes her hand and guides her to the sink. She tries to move away, but she keeps asking, “What are you doing?”
“Getting you water,” He comments, paying attention to grabbing a cup that doesn’t smell like it has had vodka in it. He lifts it to his nose. That’ll do.
She tries to squeeze away again and protests, “I don’t want any water.”
“Trust me, you do.”
She settles a bit at that, but he doesn’t trust her flight instinct, so he guides her between him and the cabinet as he holds the cup under the tap. Her head is just under his chin, and her hips are just against his crotch, which isn’t helping with the flush creeping up his neck. She wiggles slightly, and he grabs one of her hips with his left hand to still her, “Lily, stop that.”
“Why?” She asks, looking up at him.
“Just stop,” he says shortly, but she still looks at him with that determined look, “Please.”
“Fine,” She says and takes the cup out of his hand.
She drinks one cup and then listens when he tells her to have another.
“I like this,” She mumbles with her lips around the edge of the cup.
He looks down at where his body is pressed against hers, “This?”
“No,” She laughs, “I mean you looking after me.”
“Me looking after you?” He repeats back to her.
“Yeah, I’m always looking after everyone,” She glowered with a small crease between her eyebrows. And he is suddenly stricken with a freight train of fondness for the girl in front of him, “That silly, pretend I didn’t say that.”
“It’s not,” He assures her, letting his hand fall from her waist as he remembers Dorcas’ words. He steps back, “You should go find your friends.”
“You’re my friend,” Lily says softly, not moving.
“I thought you hated me,” He teases, but there is a pang of sadness that wasn’t there before.
“Only a bit,” She jokes.
“Go find your friends,” He says again as he thinks of the James Potters of the world and how he definitely isn’t one.
“Okay, but come find me later?”
“Will do,” He lies and watches her walk away through the gaps between his finger as he drags a hand down his face, “I am so fucked.”
“Why?”
“Fuck! Panda?” He cries, drawing his attention to the short blonde fairy in front of him.
“Hello,” She smiles. She does it on purpose, he is sure of it.
“Hello to you too,” He smirks at her affectionately and wraps an arm around her shoulder.
She looks up at him through her blonde lashes, “You’re so stupid.”
“Yep,” He sighs and shakes his head.
“She’d deffo get with you if you asked nicely,” Pandora teases running a hand up and down his chest.
“I don’t want to get with her,” He states.
“No,” Panda grins, “You want to marry her and have her babies.”
He playfully locks his forearm around her neck, “Shut up, I’ll kill you.”
Pandora laughs, “Awh, poor Baby.”
She leans her head against his shoulder and sighs.
“Careful,” He says smoothing out his shirt, “This is vintage fucking Armani.”
She rolls her head away, “I want Evan.”
“Go find him.”
“He is smoking outside,” Pandora wistfully says, looking out into the dark garden.
“Is he?” Barty says excitedly, “I’ll be right back.”
He presses a kiss to Pandora’s head and heads over to the backdoor.
-
Lily makes her way over to the sofa where Marlene, Dorcas and a few others are.
“Lily!” Marlene cries out, waving her down.
Lily happily sits next to them, “You two having fun?”
“So much fun,” Marlene slurs, putting her hand around Dorcas’ shoulder.
“I need some water, and so does she,” Dorcas groans as she frees herself from her girlfriend’s clutches, “Watch her for me?”
“Course,” Lily smiles politely.
“I’m not going in tomorrow,” Marlene declares, stretching out like a cat.
“Going in where?” Lily asks.
“School,” Marlene smirks, “You forgot?”
Lily exclaims, “Yes! Fuck!”
“Lils, it’s a Thursday,” Marlene cackles, “We have lessons tomorrow! With boring teachers and boring students and boring homework!”
“Oh god,” Lily regrets, she definitely shouldn’t have gotten this drunk, “Why was your party on a Thursday?”
“My parents are back tomorrow,” Marlene says as she fidgets with the arm of the sofa.
“Where are your parents?” Lily asks tentatively, feeling like a very bad friend.
“Croatia,” Marlene cries, “Fucking Croatia, I would have killed to go. Literally killed Lils, but it's their wedding anniversary.” She puts on a squeaky voice for the last part, and Lily can only assume she is imitating her mum.
“They want to shag without your little ratty self around,” Dorcas surprises them with three cups in hand. She passes on to Lily, “Thought you might want one.”
“Don’t talk about my parents shagging!” Marlene cries out, smacking her hands over her ears.
Dorcas and Lily laugh at her antics, but Lily can’t stop the guilt, “Sorry I forgot about your parent’s trip, Marls.”
“It’s fine, Lils,” Marlene soothes, “You have been distracted recently.”
“Has she?” Dorcas asks with wide eyes.
“Yes,” Marlene says, pointing at her, “We don’t know why, but we suspect a boy…”
She narrows her eyes at Lily in suspicion.
“A boy couldn’t distract Lily fucking Evans,” Dorcas exclaims. Sometimes, Lily is so suddenly reminded how perfect these two are for each other. They really are both just fucking loud gossips.
“Boy?” James pipes up from behind them. Because the universe never rewards Lily. She practically groans.
“Ah!” Marlene cries.
“What are we talking about?” James asks as he sits crossed-legged in front of them as if he is still in nursery.
“Lily and a Boy,” Marlene says arbitrarily. Lily can’t believe it, and neither can Dorcas as she elbows Marlene, “Oh, it’s fine. James is over Lily now. Right James?”
“Um,” James stutters, then his cheeks darken, “I sort of am.”
“James?” Lily says.
“There is something I have to tell you,” James confesses, and then he takes a deep breath, “I’m dating someone. Please don’t hate me for not telling you sooner.”
There is a second of silence then Lily can’t stop the smile on her face, “You numpty.”
“You’re not angry or pissed or want to fight me?” James asks.
“No, you dolt, I love you, and I’m happy as long as you are happy. Are you happy?” She queries.
“Very,” He nods with a smile that could blind England.
“Good,” She smiles fondly. Maybe in another life, James could be a choice, not an achievement that everyone expected of her. They could love each other right.
James ducks his head, “Love you, Flower.”
She beams at the familiar nickname. Maybe in another life that was ‘I love you, Flower” but it definitely wasn’t in this one.
“So, who is the lucky lady?” Marlene teases as she knocks James’s shoulder with her foot. Next to her Lily notices Dorcas tense up.
“Um…” James stutters and even in the dark lighting Lily can see him going red, “Not a lady.”
“What!” Marlene exclaims before Lily can even comprehend the sentence.
“Yeah, I’m kind of dating a lad,” James mumbles and runs a hand through the back of his hair.
“Kind of?” Dorcas questions and Lily notes the hint of anger in her tone. Why the fuck is Dorcas angry.
“Okay, so not kind of,” James hurries to say, “Like fully. Like I love him.”
“Better,” Dorcas nods and seems to be satisfied. Marlene and Lily exchange a look that seems to say, ‘What the fuck was that about’. If Lily wasn’t absolutely floored, she could probably be asked to work it out.
“So, who is it?” Marlene preens.
“I can’t really say…” James mutters.
“It must be someone we hate,” Marlene conspires and rubs her hands together like one of the supervillains from James’s comic book collection.
“What no!” James exclaims.
“Liar! Is it Mulciber?” Marlene confidently says.
“Ewh! No,” James says, clearly outraged.
“Snape?” Marlene asks.
And Lily feels as if the room has gone quiet as if there is water running through her ears. Marlene has no reason not to say his name.
She doesn’t know what Lily did.
She echoes the same thing she has thought since it happened, don’t think about it.
Suddenly, she can feel her phone ringing in between her legs, and she picks it up, careful not to drop it.
The name that is blaring on the screen makes Lily’s heart drop.
TUNIE – ICE
Petunia wouldn’t be calling unless something was wrong. Shit. She drags herself up from the sofa, accidentally stepping on James’ hand, “Sorry! Sorry!”
“Where are you going?” Someone – she thinks Marlene – calls from behind her.
“Phone,” She mouths back as she picks up the call.
“Tunie?” Lily pushes through the crowd and jogs up the stairs, taking them two at a time into the bathroom.
“Lily? Where even are you?” The voice blears from the other end of the phone.
She quickly answers, “Marlene’s. She is having a few of us around. I told Mum.”
There is silence for a few seconds, and Lily asks, “Why did you call? Is something wrong?”
“Are you joking?” She hears Petunia scoff, followed by a rustling sound as if she is sitting on her bed.
“No? Tunie?” Lily asks as she runs a shaking hand through her hair, circling the bathroom.
“You’re so selfish, Lily,” Petunia taunts echo from the phone.
They have been so good recently, even Mum said so. But why is Lily surprised that her sister found something to be angry about, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Of course, you don’t,” She says, then sarcastically adds, “Why would you care? It is always about you, Lily.”
“I don’t even know what I have done,” Lily argues back, with tears welling in her eyes. She always gets upset in arguments; she can’t help it.
Lily starts to run the tap so anyone outside hopefully won’t hear the arguing and sits on the closed toilet seat.
“You fucking, evil bitch!” Petunia hatefully hisses in the way only sisters can, with such venom it could burn, “Mum can’t come to my dress fitting because of you!”
“And how is that my fault?” Lily heatedly calls. She is gripping the phone so hard she’s scared it might break.
“Because it’s always about you. Always the Lily show, God forbid anyone else get even a tad of attention,” Petunia fizzles, “You’re such a freak, Lily.”
The childhood taunt makes her stomach sink, and her throat tighten.
“You’re supposed to be my sister,” Lily longingly slurs gripping the towel rail.
“And you’re supposed to be mine.” The statement lacks all the nostalgia Lily’s statement had, but she can feel it all the same. They are sisters, and sisters do fight. Or at least they always had.
But Lily can still smell the freshly cut grass of childhood as she sits with her sister on her Primary school’s field, waiting for sports day to end. She can still feel the gentle sun on her face from back then when her older sister, who looked out for her, was all she could ever hope to be. When the girls laughed at Lily’s face, red with exhaustion, or called her fat as she came last in the skipping rope race, her sister was always there. She can still feel their finger interlocked.
But then they got bigger and more different. There became this gap and it seemed to grow with them, till Lily had to throw herself onto the other side just for her sister to pay attention to her. She had begged her to read Little Women just for something to talk about. She even said she could just watch it.
She didn’t.
She could be sick, and she doesn’t think it’s from the alcohol.
“Your Oxford thing is on my dress fitting,” Petunia mumbles and the thickness in her voice sounds like she has been crying.
“I’m sorry,” Lily mumbles as she chews at her lip.
“You always are,” Petunia’s voice rings from the phone heavy with emotion, “It doesn’t change anything.”
And then her sister hangs up. She lobs the phone. It’s all her anger and disappointment in one throw.
She watches as if in slow motion as it lands in the sink, “Fuck!”
Lily jumps up but the phone is submerged in the full bowl of water and when she shakes it drops of water drip from it. She is so fucked.
-
Barty loves Evan. He has such a talent for rolling.
“I’d marry you for your rolling skills alone,” Barty smirks as he relaxes back into one of the plastic garden chairs. Evan chuckles from next to him.
The Party is so fucking loud. Like annoyingly so, which is saying something considering Barty is the loudest person to exist.
“Do they ever shut up?” Barty groans, stretching his arms over his head.
Evan raises one of his eyebrows as if to say, ‘Really?’ or ‘Rich coming from you”.
“I know. I know,” Barty drawls, “Remind me never to do Dorcas a favour again.”
Evan lowly chuckles and Barty watches as he stares enchanted with the smoke.
“I hate parties,” He lies, “Fuck I sound like myself in year 11.”
“You do,” Evan deeply says. That will be the most Barty will get out of him tonight.
In secondary, where his friendship group met, Barty was a good student. Well, he was a good son, if he was going to smoke or drink his father wouldn’t find out about it. He was in every extra-curricular and Cambridge-bound. Now… now.
Fuck he needs a distraction.
He rolls his head to the side to ogle at Evan, “When you have sex do you moan?”
Evan’s head snaps up despite being used to Barty’s stupid questions. He glares at Barty and kicks him in the leg.
“That a yes, or a no?” Barty grins tucking his feet away from Evan.
Evan’s eyes burn into him with that bored look he always wears, but Barty can see the annoyance behind it. He laughs, “I’m going inside, might leave. Tell the others to get a taxi if you can’t find me.”
Evan nods in response.
“Want me to get Pans?” Barty asks.
Evan tilts his head and shakes it. No.
He walks through the house, purposefully elbowing the drunk teenagers who get too close. He is definitely not putting up with this shit show any longer.
“Lily? Lily! What happened” He hears and it’s like he is a dog, his ears practically perk up to see who is calling after her.
Then he spots her hurrying down the stairs. “I’m fine, James,” She calls.
It’s decided he hates Potter.
He pushes through the crowd to get to her, “Evans.”
She spins around to look at him. Her eyes are wide, and he can see the tears streaking down her face.
“What the fuck happened?” He asks grabbing her by the forearm.
“My phone,” and the crying starts again. She holds out her phone. It looks fairly normal but maybe someone broke it. He wouldn’t put it past this lot. He hopes it was Potter, it would give him an excuse to hit him.
Her shoulders are quivering, and James puts a hand on each of her shoulders and turns her towards him, “Lils, what happened?”
Guess it wasn’t him. That’s annoying.
Barty plucks the phone off her shaking hand and holds down the off button, but it stays black. He flips it over a few times trying to work out what the fuck has happened.
“Nothing, James, it is fine.” She grumbles, “I’m fine.”
“You're clearly not,” Potter says.
“I said I’m fine so I’m fine,” Lily emphasises despite clearly not being fine, but Barty isn’t an idiot he isn’t going to bring that up.
“Lily,” James says sadly. She pulls away from his grip and he lets her. Suddenly there is a hand on James’s shoulder and Barty sees Regulus behind Potter. What the fuck? Since when do those two get on?
Reg’s eyes lock onto his.
“Hey, Evans,” Barty smiles at her ignoring Reggie, “What happened to the phone?”
“I threw It in the sink like a massive stupid fucking idiot,” Lily sadly groans and her bottom lips wobbles.
“You’re not an idiot,” James says.
At the exact same time, Barty chuckles “That’s a new level, princess.”
Potter turns to face him with wide eyes and his eyebrows raised.
Lily lets out a sad laugh, “I know. I just want to leave.”
“Lucky for you I’m heading out,” Barty says and holds up his car keys.
Before Lily can reach for the door, Potter steps in front of Barty, “Woah. No way, I’m not going to let you drink drive. No way.”
“I’m not drunk, Potter,” Barty says as he rolls his eyes and pushes past him.
James spins around to Regulus, “Is that true?”
“How do I know I’ve been with you the whole night,” Regulus says. There is a light flush in his cheeks from the drinking and a slight pout to his voice. Okay, what the actual fuck? Why has Reg spent the whole night with James?
Before he can dwell on it further, he feels Lily pull at his arm, “Can we go?” she says quietly.
“Yeah, course,” He gently says and opens the front door for her.
-
Barty’s car isn’t what she would expect. She thought his dad would have brought him a BMW like all the other posh kids at school. The sixth-form car park is full of nice, fancy cars that like can only wait for.
“I know it’s not great, but it will drive,” He grins looking at her as she slips into the seat.
“I like it.” She does.
“I’m just so humble,” he strains as he twists the key in the car.
She pushes her chin to her chest as she giggles and when she looks back up, he is already staring. She can feel her face heat up, “Um… sorry if I made you leave early.”
“You definitely didn’t. I couldn’t wait to get out of there,” Barty says distracted as he reaches an arm over the back of her seat to reverse.
She watches as he spins the wheel. God, when did that become attractive? She tries to subtly squeeze her legs but he’s paying attention.
“Are you cold?”
“What? No!” She squeaks.
“You keep fidgeting,” He comments and nods down to her.
“Um…” She distracts herself, “Did… Do… Do you know my address?”
He turns to her with a playful smile on his face, “I’m not a stalker, Evans, so no.”
“Right of course,” She nods through the embarrassment, “It is up near the big Tesco.”
She suddenly realises this means Barty is going to have to see where she lives. She can tell herself she doesn’t care but the shame washing through her tells a different story. Lily can’t bring herself to say, ‘the council block’.
“You can just drop me there,” She murmurs.
He looks confused, “Why?”
“Just be easier for you,” She lies and fiddles with the edge of her dress.
“Evans, you know me, any excuse to not be home,” He jokes, “I’ll drop you at your door. Plus, it’s dark out I don’t want you walking.”
“it is really fine,” Lily insists.
“No,” Barty lets out a laugh of disbelief, “No way.”
Lily doesn’t know when she got to know him well enough that she knows he won’t let this go. But she can be stubborn too, “Really, it’s fine. I do that walk all the time. In fact, I like to walk.”
He looks away from the road and makes eye contact with her. His eyes are wide as if he can’t believe what she is saying, “No. Why won’t you let me drop you off?”
The last bit of his sentence sounds unsure in a way Lily can’t place.
“Why won’t you let me walk?”
“Okay, first of all, you’re in a short dress. Second, It’s dark and cold out. Thirdly, you don’t need to,” He argues.
“Fine,” She says with a huff and crosses her arms like a child would.
The car is silent for a minute, and then she starts tossing her phone in her hands, “My parents are going to kill me.”
“What why?” Barty asks.
“My phone,” She sighs, “If you don’t hear from me for a while that’s why.”
“What?” He seems genuinely concerned now, “Why?”
“We can’t afford to get it fixed. So, it will be no phone for me till my contract is up,” Lily answers.
“Oh,” He says, sounding relieved.
“What did you think I meant?” She asks looking out the window. The houses are rushing past, and the glow of the flickering streetlights has basked the roads.
“I thought you were going to say they would look you in your room or something,” He chuckles, clutching the steering wheel.
“What! God no,” Lily blinks, “My parents would never.”
“Lucky,” He smirks then before she can reply he changes the topic, “Anyway I don’t have your number, so it doesn't matter if your phone is broken.”
“I’ll give it to you when my phone is fixed,” She says absentmindedly.
“I’ll get it fixed for you,” He shrugs.
“What? No,” Lily says sitting up and turning so she is facing him.
“It’s not a big deal, Princess,” He casually says. This is ridiculous.
“No. No way. I wouldn’t let you do that,” She says firmly with one hand on the car seat and the other on the dashboard.
“It’s fine.”
“It is not.”
He doesn’t look away from the road one time, “If anything it’s for selfish reasons.”
“What?”
“Well, I want your phone number and I can’t get it till your phone is fixed so it’s a win-win situation,” He explains.
She lets her mouth open and closes a few times. That sounded like he was hitting on her. Was he hitting on her? Would she mind if he was?
“Unless you don’t want to give it to me…” He says and she can see him smirking to himself.
“No!” She quickly says, “I do.”
Well, that made it abundantly clear that she wouldn’t mind him hitting on her then.
“Great, so give me your phone,” He says and holds out one hand.
“I don’t want charity,” She murmurs and holds her phone to her chest.
He turns to look at her, “It’s not. Promise.”
Slowly, she passes him her phone, “Thank you.”
“So… seeing as I’m being so gracious and fixing your phone,” He says, “What happened to it?”
“I threw it,” She sheepishly admits and looks for anything to fidget with. A loose thread or hangnail, anything would do. She just wants to distract herself from this conversation.
Next to her, she hears Barty let out a cackle and through laughs, he asks, “You? Lily Evans threw your phone?”
“Yes,” She pouts, “I am capable of making mistakes.”
Big mistakes, the kind you can’t take back. The kind you can’t make right. She hasn’t let herself think about Snape or last summer in so long, and she refuses to let it haunt her now.
“I know that, Princess. You see, I remember that day at the museum,” He remarks and turns to look at her with a stupid grin on his face.
She can tell he is teasing her, but she takes the bait anyway, “That was your fault. I was just trying to enjoy the artwork.”
His smile grows impossibly wider and sarcastically says, “Sure.”
“Ugh. It was your fault.”
“I’m agreeing with you, Evans,” He torments.
“I…” She stops herself from talking any further, “I refuse to feed into his behaviour anymore.”
He barks out a harsh laugh.
There is a second of silence, and then into the darkness of the car, Barty says, “I am sorry. Genuinely.”
Before she can reply, he presses the on button of his radio. It splutters for a second then Jeff Buckley’s version of Hallelujah. Which to Barty is apparently the funniest thing to ever happen as he starts roaring with laughter.
She stares at him, perplexed.
He then turns to her and says, “Do you know why he did a cover of this?” He doesn’t wait for her response, “He said he made it as the hallelujah of the orgasm.”
Lily can feel her face burn red, “Shut up, that’s so not true.”
“It is,” He says and wiggles his eyebrows. He then burst into song, “From your lips she drew the hallelujah.”
He points at her dramatically when he sings the word ‘she’, and if it’s possible her face turns an even brighter shade of crimson.
“I hate you,” She loudly lies over the music.
“Hallelujah,” He calls in response. As he says it, he takes both hands off the wheel and points to the sky or presumably the heavens.
Lily can’t contain the bubbling laughter in her throat and laughs as she says, “God is definitely not letting you in.”
He turns to look at her and says, “Clearly you haven’t met my father. He could talk a blind man into sight.”
She uncontrollably smiles at him. This idiot. God, when did that become endearingly thought?
“You’re an idiot,” She voices her thoughts.
“I’m not. In fact, I’m just as smart as you,” He grins as he turns down the radio, “Why’d you throw it?”
“What?”
“The phone. Why’d you throw it.”
“My sister.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Is she a bitch?” He asks, not looking at her.
“She’s my sister,” She says because what else is she going to say. Yes, she is a bitch, but they are sisters. She’ll never have another Petunia. Her friends are her whole world, but Lily can find new friends if she needs to. Who can grow her a new sister?
He just smiles at her as if somehow, he understands. He always seems to be able to do that. It’s frustrating and charming at the same time.
Then, the blue and red of the Tesco sign flashes over his face. Fuck. They are nearly at her house.
“Where do I go now?”
“Um,” She murmurs, “Just follow this road. I live just behind it.”
He just nods and follows her directions. When he pulls up to her street, she stares at the side of his face as she tries to garner his reaction. Surprisingly there isn’t one. If he is thinking something he doesn’t say it.
The car comes to a halt, and she quickly opens the door but before she can get out, she turns to him, “Thank you.”
She doesn’t wait for his response.
She locks the front door behind her as she steps into the dark house. Her parents had expected her to sleep at Marls, so no one waited up. She shuffles around the cupboard for the packet of paracetamol. She does not want to wake up with her head ringing and a mouth filled with nausea-induced saliva.
Lily pulls her hair out of the way as she clumsily turns the tap on and opens her mouth. Cold, refreshing water fills her mouth.
“Lily?”
She rapidly turns to see her mum standing in the doorway. Her hair is messy, and she is holding her dressing gown closed.
“Mum,” Lily nods and prays she doesn’t smell like booze. Her parents have the noses of bloodhounds.
“I thought you were staying at Marlene’s?” Her mum questions as she steps deeper into the kitchen. She looks around the room.
“Sorry I didn’t feel well,” Lily hangs her head.
“Oh, that’s okay, Honey, you just scared me,” Her mum says kindly, “Your dad sent me to see who was making that banging sound.”
Lily turns back around to face the sink, “Yeah, that was me. Sorry.”
“Don’t stay up any later, Vernon is coming around for dinner tomorrow.” Her mum pulls back the curtains, “Who dropped you home? Marlene’s dad?”
“No,” Lily says, “My um… friend.”
“Who?” She says with raised eyebrows.
“Barty. His parents go to church with you and Dad,” Lily grimaces.
“Oh,” a smile is playing on her mum’s lips, “Barty, is it?”
“It’s not like that,” Lily says filling a glass with water, “He’s s friend.”
“Does he know that?” Lily’s mum asks.
“What! Yes,” Lily flushes.
“Well,” Lily’s mum playfully says, “He must be a very generous friend to drop you home. Especially since I know he lives on the other side of town.”
“Oh my god, Mum,” Lily walks past her. She can hear her mum giggling as she goes upstairs.
She lies in bed, thinking aimlessly, mostly about Petunia and partly about herself. For some reason, she recalls a sculpture they had seen at the Tate on that trip in year nine. Perhaps she was thinking of it due to Barty bringing up that school trip. It was by some fancy French artist. The Burghers of Calais, it was called, and she can so distinctly remember the way their limbs were heavy and distorted as if they weighed them down as their souls tried to flutter forwards. She felt as though she was the opposite; her body got older, and more expectations were piled on her, yet her mind stayed clinging to the past. Waiting for her turn to be loveable again. After what she did last summer, she doesn’t think she ever will be. She falls asleep with that thought playing on her mind.
The next morning, Lily has to pull herself from bed and force her top over her pounding head. The paracetamol clearly didn’t work. She can remember so many mornings when James would stay over after a party, and he would be completely fine while she could hardly move. It was horrible. She loves James, but when she was in that relationship, it had a way of making her feel as if she was the worst version of herself.
-
“Fuck me,” Barty groans as he gets in his car. He wants to hide in his room and never see the light of day again. He didn’t even drink last night, but he is waking up early on his one day with a late start. Just to go get Lily’s phone fixed.
There is an IMobile in town that will sort it. They fixed his phone when Pandora sat on it during the ‘waltzer’ at that shit festival they went to. That was the last time he trusted her with his phone.
He doesn’t know what he is doing. How is he getting a girl’s phone fixed for her?
Dorcas is such a bitch. Why did he make him doubt himself, he never has before. He was perfectly content being a slag, but then she had to be all: “You have a crush on Lily fucking Evans and she will never love you back”. He is going to kill her.
Why couldn’t he like… Pandora or even Evan or Reg. Anyone but Lily Evans because she is probably the closest to being perfect that humans can achieve, even with the occasional phone throwing. And he is definitely not. If anything, he is the opposite. He is messy and loud, he definitely smokes too much weed, and he is somehow stuck up and arrogant while being all those things. Sure, he’s smart but that wasn’t his doing… that was pure luck.
This is impossible.
Fuck Dorcas Meadows.
-
She is nearly at the table when James approaches and says, “What happened last night?”
“I… broke my phone,” She tries to explain.
“I meant with Crouch,” James tentatively says as he sways on his feet.
Lily blinks, “What do you mean?”
“You seem friendly?”
“We are.” She says slowly, “We are friends.”
James eyes go wide, “Lily! He is… him. I just didn’t expect you two to get on, I guess.”
“We get on really well actually,” Lily defends and finds herself smiling, “He’s not what you would expect.”
“What a manic, crazy person?” James jokes and walks with her to the table with Mary and Marlene.
“Yes!” Lily says and jokingly whacks him with her books.
“Did you at least have a good night despite the whole phone thing?” James asks and greets Mary and Marls with a beaming nod.
To be honest, she only remembers the latter part of the night. The rest she is trying to block out. Lily feels her face heat up when she recalls what had happened in the kitchen with Barty. God. She wants to pull her own eyeballs out and then the poor guy had to pay for her to get her phone fixed because she was such a crying mess.
She wants to hide under the table.
The fact that Barty even had her phone at the moment is crazy. This time last month, she wouldn’t dream of even giving him her copy of the Aeneid, let alone her phone. She would be scared he would hack into it or something stupid.
“Yeah, I had fun,” She smiles at James kindly.
“Good.”
“What about you?” She asks.
“Yeah, no, I had fun too,” He answers shortly, and she swears he is blushing, “Anyway, I better…”
His sentence trails off, and he points in the direction of the table Sirius, Remus and Peter are sitting at.
She suddenly hears Mary mention Roman.
“What?” Lily asks as she looks between Mary and Marlene.
“Roman aired me,” Mary shrugs but Lily can see that sad crease in her brow.
“What! How stupid is he?” Lily says, “Mary, you’re one of the most beautiful girls I know and who is he? Some wanker who clearly thinks too bloody highly of himself.”
“I know,” Mary drawls, “But… I just…”
As Mary struggles to get her words out, Lily sees Barty approaching her with Pandora. He has his arm over the blonde girl’s shoulder; Lily hates that small, tiny, minuscule spike of jealousy she feels at the sight. She watches both of her friend’s heads shoot up.
“Hi,” She says looking up at him from her seat.
“Hi,” He smirks, “I come bearing a phone.”
Lily jumps up, “Oh my god!” She carefully takes the phone out of his hands and earnestly says, “Thank you.”
He gives her a short smile, “Not a lot of project partners would be this kind so be very grateful.”
“I am so grateful,” She plays along, “The most grateful actually.”
She looks at him for a second then quietly says, “Thank you.”
He smiles, “See you in Classics.”
She nods and watches as he pulls at Pandora’s arm, but the girl quickly says, “Hello, Mary.”
Lily thinks she hears Mary say hello back. She turns around to sit back down but her friends are staring at her, “What?”
Marlene is the first to speak, “What do you mean what? Did Crouch get you a phone?”
“If so, that is ridiculously attractive, fucking hell,” Mary says.
“He didn’t get a phone he just went and got it fixed,” Lily tries to explain.
But Mary quickly says, “That is even more romantic.”
“What? Why?” Lily flushes staring at Mary.
“Because he put in effort. Like he went to the shop for you and waited to get it fixed”
“That is…” Lily stutters as she tries to find an excuse.
“Mary is right – “
“Marlene!” Lily turns to her. She is the last person she expected to be in Barty’s favour except maybe James.
She holds up his hands in surrender and says, “I am sorry, Lily. But she’s right. That something James would do.”
That spiteful part of herself that she hates chimes in with, James wouldn’t. He would hear Lily’s remark about it being charity and never speak of it again. Barty is far more persistent.
“Oh my god, shh,” Lily says with wide eyes, “He might hear you.”
Her friends giggle at each other and share a look that she doesn’t bother deciphering.
-
Lily and Potter had been talking. He had watched them. Not in a creepy way, just in a very, very jealous way. He was looking at her all lovey-dovey, and Barty still wants to rip James’ teeth out with rusty pliers.
Fuck him.
Fuck him.
Fuck h-
“Barty,” Lily smiles at him as she takes her seat next to him.
“Lily,” He nods to her. It’s not her fault he is bitter, but it’s easier to be distant with her than confront his feelings.
“What’s wrong?” Fuck. How can she tell from him just saying her name?
“Nothing,” He lies and turns to the board as the teacher pulls up the PowerPoint.
“Liar,” She hisses in his ear, “You called me Lily.”
“Oh, have you taken a new name,” He sarcastically says.
“You’re not funny,” She says deadpan, “I meant, you always call me Evans.”
“Not always,” He justifies.
She doesn’t take that, and she repeats her earlier question, “What’s wrong?”
He doesn’t reply for a second and then he hears her say in a small, unsure voice, “Is it about the phone? I can send you the money when I can. I promise.”
He spins to look at her. Lily’s cheeks are flushed and the sad look in her eyes makes him want to punch himself in the face, “What! No. Of course not.”
“I can’t tell if you are lying,” She says timidly.
“I just my dad’s pissed at me for being out late, that’s all,” He lies and opens his copy of the Iliad.
“Oh,” She says, and he can hear some confidence flood back into her voice, “You can come over tonight if you want.” Then she hurriedly adds, “To finish the 10-mark essay.”
“I’m free for once,” He nods, “So yeah. Then we can get it finished.”
“Great. My mum made me take today off because Vernon is over.” She makes her voice all snooty when she says, Vernon.
“Who’s that?” He grins.
“My sister’s fiancé,” She rolls her eyes, “He is unbearable. My mum puts up with him, but my dad can’t stand him.”
Barty laughs at that, “What’s wrong with the guy?”
“He doesn’t stop talking about himself, he is nearly as bad as Petunia.”
“Right, well I’ll be out of your hair by the time he is round,” Barty says.
“Yeah, save yourself.”
-
Barty is coming to her house. She doesn’t know what possessed her to make such a preposterous offer, but she did. Last night, she didn’t even want him to drop her home, but now he will be in her house in her pink childhood bedroom. That has the cardboard cut-out of Harry Styles that Mary got her for her fifteenth birthday. God.
Not only that but he is driving them there straight after school so she can’t even run in and clean her room up.
He drums his fingers against the steering wheel as Jeff Buckley’s sweet voice floods the car, the perfect song for Lily’s internal crisis.
“Why so tense?”
“Huh?” She quickly responds.
“Why are you so stressed out?” He asks again, and she notices his fingers have stopped drumming to the beat.
“I’m not,” She lies.
He gives her a look that seems to say ‘Liar’.
“I promise,” She says with a small smile.
When they walk inside her house, her dad instantly appears around the corner. When he spots Barty, his eyebrows fly up to his hairline and a small smirk appears on his face.
“Hello, you two,” He teases.
“Dad,” Lily warns, “Barty and I are going to go upstairs and finish our project.”
“Right, of course. Your project.” He says and draws out the word ‘project’.
Barty silently nods to her dad and slips his shoes off. She does the same.
“Is your friend staying for dinner?” Her dad asks.
“No, Dad, I’m not going to make him experience Vernon,” Lily jokes and starts to walk upstairs.
“We will have to fair just be and you then, Lils,” He says.
Lily laughs and turns to make sure Barty is following her.
She leads him to her room. When they walk in, he flops onto her single bed, and she settles for the chair.
She watches as he groans and stretches his arms above his head. She can see the waistband of his underwear and his tan stomach and suddenly becomes enchanted with the wall above him.
“Let’s do this quickly,” she says rapidly.
“You got it,” He nods but makes no effort to move.
“Barty,” She scolds and shoots him a look that he hopes says ‘stop messing around’.
“Read me the passage, and I’ll tell you the points I pull from it,” He says lazily, as he looks at her.
“Fine.”
It takes about an hour, which really is more time than they needed but Barty was being a twat.
“All done,” He says, leaning over her shoulder. At some point during the writing, he had somehow managed to convince her to sit on the bed.
When she turns to look at him, their faces are close. So, close she can see the freckles on the bridge of his nose and every strand of his hair.
She’d quite like to kiss him, she thinks. She expects the thought to leave her head as quickly as it had entered but it doesn’t. It lingers in her mind. So, when she leans even closer, it is pure impulse. It’s not pre-ordained or planned like everything else she does.
She does it because she wants to.
Suddenly, she presses her lips to his. She doesn’t know what compelled her to do so, but she does. For a brief second, he doesn’t kiss her back, and she freezes. Was this a huge mistake?
She pulls back, but before she can even open her eyes, he leans in closer. Lily feels his breath, warm and soft against her lips, mingling with her own. Her heart quickens, but her hands stay stead, brushing his in a light, deliberate touch. There is a featherlight brush of lips that feels like a question. Then, with gentle certainty, the kiss deepens, the world around them dissolving into nothingness. Lily feels his hand in her hair, pulling her head back slightly and she lets a groan fall from her lips.
She hears him sharply inhale and then shakily exhale, “Fuck you, Evans.”
She giggles at that, but before she can reply to him, his lips her back on hers, and they are kissing again. Deeply and firmly with everything she ever dreamed of. Slowly, his hand reached up, gently cupping her cheek as if she might disappear at any moment. She leans into his touch, her lips parting even more to deepen the kiss as he runs his tongue over her bottom lip. Her fingers find his collar, clutching it lightly as if she is anchoring herself to reality, while his hand slides to the small of her back, drawing her closer.
He slowly pulls away, and Lily watches him swallow.
“I…” He says as if it pains him, “That… This shouldn’t happen.”
Lily feels as if she has been smacked across the face, “What.”
Her ears feel as if they are ringing, and she can’t even tell if she sounded angry or just sad.
“You’re a great deal too good for me, Lily,” Barty says steadily, and he starts to stand up. She wants to grab him and pull him back down onto the bed so he can’t leave. He can’t leave her.
“I- what? I am not too good for you,” Lily argues back, balling her fists.
“I promise you are,” Barty explains but it just sounds like noise to her, “You want someone like James.”
“James! What does he have to do with this?” She stutters baffled, “And since when are you the expert on what I want!”
“Trust me, Evans, I am no good for you,” Barty says and grabs his bag off the floor.
“Fuck you,” She says and maybe if she was a better person her eyes would be filling with water and her voice would come out all shaky. But she’s not, she can be just as cruel and angry as any man, “Why bother then? What do you do it for? Leading girls on. Do you do it for kicks? Is that what goes on in your fucked up head.”
That seems to make him hesitate and Lily thinks, yes look at me, see me as a completely different person to the one you thought I was.
She wants to scream, run before you see how I can ruin you too.
I’ve done it once; I’ll ruin you too.
She doesn’t look at his face as he opens the door, and she doesn’t think she could bear to. She couldn’t see if she hurt him. It would rip her open.
When she hears the front door shut, she climbs off her bed and stands on the landing, staring through the window at his car. It’s not until she watches through glassy eyes as his car drives away, that the tears fall. Then they can’t stop.
She falls to the floor and muffles her sobs in the sleeve of her jumper. She can hear the TV downstairs, so she can’t be too loud. Dinner will be ready soon and so she can’t stay here forever. She doesn’t know how long she stay there for but eventually, she hears the stairs creaking. She expects it to be her mum or dad but instead, it’s her sister.
Petunia finds her sitting on the top step, tears pouring down her face and a hand over her mouth.
“Lily?” Her sister says and the concern in her voice is so foreign that it almost sounds as if it is from a lifetime ago.
Lily looks up at her sister and she feels her bottom lip wobble. Her voice croaks as she says, “I fucked up.”
“No, you didn’t,” Tunie says, and she sounds so sure it almost convinces Lily.
“I did,” She rasps as the tears start freely flowing again.
Petunia huffs and sits beside her on the step, “I have known you my whole life, Lily. You have never fucked up. It’s insufferable.”
“No,” She shakes her head, “I ruined everything with Barty and with James… with Severus.”
Her sister straightens her spine, and she firmly says, “That wasn’t your fault, Lily.”
“It was, he has to live at home now. With his awful dad and it’s all my fault,” Lily chokes on her words.
“Lily,” Her sister says angrily. When they were young, Petunia was always so angry on her behalf. Lily often felt that whatever anger she felt, her sister felt it ten times more. “He called you a… you know what he called you. You did the right thing.”
“He said one thing, and now… now he is back there. I didn’t mean for them to expel him. I am a bad person, Tunie. Everything that has happened is karma for what I did,” Lily swears, clutching her arms around herself, “I ruined his life. It is on his permeant record.”
Petunia pulls her towards her. At first, Lily thinks it is for a hug, but then she holds Lily in front of her with a hand on either of her shoulders. She securely says, “My sister is not a bad person. Is she annoying? Certainly. Is she stuck up? Kind of. Is she a right teacher’s pet? Most definitely. But you are not a bad person, Lily.”
“I hurt you,” Lily says, thinking back on when she broke her phone and the conversation that led her to it.
“We already confirmed you are annoying,” Her sister playfully says, and Lily responds with a wet laugh. “I… you hurt me, and I hurt you. But we aren’t friends, Lily, we can forgive each other more easily. We are sisters and I’ll always love you. Even I hate you, I will love you nonetheless.”
“Do you hate me?” Lily shyly asks.
“No, never,” Her sister says quietly as if it’s a secret, a precious, uncut secret, “Life is too short to be angry at one’s sisters.”
Lily feels her eyes go wide, “You read it?”
“Actually, I watched it,” Her sister mutters as if it isn’t a big deal, but Lily can feel that chasm of age close just a little bit.
“That’s just as good,” Lily smiles.
Petunia knocks her shoulder against Lily’s, and they sit there for a while in comfortable silence with their shoulders pressed against each other.
-
Fuck that should have been painless. Why wasn’t it painless?
Why does it feel like his heart has fallen out of him?
Then it clicks. He is in love with Lily Evans.
Why the fuck is Dorcas always right?