Memento Mori

Wherever Remus imagined himself to be four months ago, he certainly didn’t imagine himself waiting for a car that would drive him to Gryffindor castle.

Right after he signed the contract, coach McGonagall asked him if he had a place he could stay until the school residence was open. Remus definitely didn’t but McGonagall didn’t need to know, so he started with his usual excuses. McGonagall didn’t seem like she was buying any of it, so she offered him to stay in her apartment instead. He refused at first but McGonagall easily kept looking at him down her nose until he agreed.

Remus knew it was safer for him to stay with McGonagall, because no one would expect him there. Even if his father’s men somehow connected him to Gryffindor, they wouldn’t expect him to stay in McGonagall’s place. So he threw his pride aside and accepted the offer.

When the car came closer, and Remus laid his eyes on the driver, his leg muscles tightened, his skin shivering, and becoming overwhelmed with the sudden urge to flee. McGonagall told him that she would send someone to pick him up. He didn’t expect her to send Sirius Black.

The last time Remus saw Sirius Black, his head was throbbing and his breath was halting, and that was with the other three people with them. Now with Sirius in the car by himself, and Remus with no choice other than to ride with him to Edinburgh, Remus was beginning to question his life choices.

Remus was trying to not show how alarmed he was, forcing his posture to relax.

Sirius’s face was vacant, he looked apathetic to every thing around him, which was odd, regarding how he was the exact opposite the last time Remus had seen him. “What, are you waiting for an invitation?” Sirius bored, his eyes searching. Remus walked to the car and climbed without answering Sirius.

The air in the car was thick, an uncomfortable silence hanging between them. Remus’s blood was circulating in an unnatural rhythm from the tension, he was sitting next to danger, impersonated. And they were two hours and half away from Edinburgh, anything could happen in those two hours.

Remus hugged his duffle bag to his chest —afraid that if he put it in the trunk, and things went sideways; he wouldn’t be able grab it as fast.

Sirius looked at him out of the corner of his eye, “So, how is that little mark from our first meeting?” he pointed to his head. Although his impassive face didn’t show any expressions, Remus couldn’t help but notice the slight edge of playfulness in his voice, like he was reminding Remus of what he's capable of.

“It needed only three stitches, thanks to you for being temperate and hitting with less force.” Remus replied, sarcastically. Growing more exasperated the more Sirius Black talked.

“Well, forgive me for freaking out, but if somebody who you were trying to have a civil conversation with runs away like that, you would think they are blowing up the building or something.”

“So your first resort is to murder them on the spot?” he blurted, his voice raising and growing more irritated, “without even clearing things out.”

“Why is everyone exaggerating? I didn’t try to kill you. If my intention is a dead body, I don’t try, I kill. Simple as that.” his posture was calm like he was telling Remus about the upcoming season. “And hypothetically speaking, if I were right, and the person was actually going to blow up the building, disable them from doing so first, then ask for an explanation later.”

Remus didn’t know how to argue with that logic. Turns out the man was actually off his rockers, it was not just a rumor his haters exchanged.

The rest of the drive passed in complete silence, with neither of them speaking to the other, Remus rolled down the window and stared out, trying to compel his mind to forget that he was sitting Next to Sirius black on a two hours and a half drive from Durham to Edinburgh, without more than five inches separating them. He didn't have any kind of weapons with him, at least not any that was visible to Remus, but Sirius could turn the safety lock and strangle him to death with his bare hands, if he wanted to.

Remus’s heart was full of dread. His mother’s voice roaring in his ears,

you foolish, foolish boy what have you done

Do you think prison is enough to keep your father away once he learns about your decisions?

Remus tried to shut down his thoughts, and focus on the reason he was in this car from the first place, he was on his way to Gryffindor as their sub-striker, for god’s sake, he would let the sense of regret consume him if things fell to abysmal, if he was under a freshly polished blade held by a man who thought guns were too soft and merciful. For now the ghosts in his head could wait, because he wouldn’t let them ruin this moment for him.

So Remus started thinking about Exy strategies instead, about places all those years of not practicing left him weak.

***

When they reached the gates, and Remus saw the old-fashioned castle, Remus' breath got caught in his lungs, and he thought to himself that this was the kind of place that deserved risking your life for. He personally preferred Ravenclaw to Gryffindor when he was younger, but that didn’t mean he disliked Gryffindor, it simply felt surreal like some kind of a mythical place that he never dreamed of entering.

They both got out of the car, and Regulus was already there waiting for them. Remus had to physically restrain himself from reacting, he was trying to get his mind to accept that there was no danger here. Regulus couldn’t remember him and he was here for a limited period anyways. And if he saw any signs that Regulus was beginning to distinguish him, he always had the chance to disappear.

beside him stood a taller boy, with a dark complex, and a wild untamed nest of hair. Remus recognized him at once as James Potter.

James walked forward, extending his hand for Remus to shake, Remus took it, “hey man, welcome to the team. It’s a pleasure to have you with us. I’m James Potter.” he introduced as if Remus didn’t know each one of the players, their positions and their life story. That’s what happens when someone is deprived of something they're passionate about and they’re forced to watch from far. They start stalking people who are living the life they dreamt of, they start calculating their every movement, and obsessing over them. Or maybe that was just Remus, and his fucked up aspect of life.

“I’m Remus,” he muttered, still anxious of saying his name out loud in front of the Blacks. “It’s nice to meet you.”

James' face was bright and friendly, he was like that in his interviews too, Remus always thought it was an act he put on for his fans, but James seemed as optimistic as he always saw him on on screens.

Behind James appeared a short boy, with blond hair, and a heavily freckled face. “And I’m Peter Pettigrew, as in the only one you would be able to tolerate in this team.” he looked slightly hesitant as he extended his hand and Remus shook it.

“He hasn’t been here for five minutes, and you’re already quick with the meat-riding,” Sirius continued, coming behind Remus, “only you Pete.”

His face was expressionless, as it had been earlier. his eyes, although bright with a specific kind of silver grey, that Remus has never seen; they looked dead, like there was no ounce of emotion behind them.

Even James looked a bit unnerved when Sirius stood closer to Remus, regarding him up and down, as if he was a puzzle, and Sirius was intrigued about solving it.

“Well, let’s give you a tour then.” Said James nervously, trying to ease away the tension that seemed to be seeping from everyone. “McGonagall was busy with the ERC, so she made it my responsibility to show you around and give you the keys of her apartment.”

“I will take him around the school, you guys can go, and we'll meet you at McGonagall’s.” said Regulus, who had been unexpectedly quiet since they got here.

James looked like he wanted to protest, but he kept it to himself when no one said anything. Regulus turned on his heel and motioned for Remus to follow him. But before Remus could even move his legs, Sirius was already following his brother. Regulus, who looked like expected Remus to follow him, turned around and saw his brother instead.

“It’s fine, Sirius, actually,” he muttered, looking more sinister than he did minutes ago, “it’s broad daylight, and I’m just going to give him a tour around campus, you can go with the rest, and we’ll meet at the apartment.”

Sirius didn’t look convinced, shooting his brother a baleful look, his face now frozen with some kind of cold anger, as he shifted his gaze from Regulus to Remus; who couldn’t help but turn away from him.

Remus didn’t comprehend how one’s demeanor could change; from an unhinged maniac who didn’t take anything seriously, to a stone cold, expressionless statue in the span of days.

After a few seconds of an excruciatingly uncomfortable silence, Sirius gestured to James and Peter, and they followed him to the car without a word.

***
The inside of the castle was even more entrancing than the outside, with everything decorated red and gold, and dimly lit orange light, the cozy composition made Remus nearly feel home-like. Not that he knew what home was like.

Regulus continued to guide him through the castle, walking ahead of him without saying much, only saying one sentence at a time, like; “this is the great hall.” or “ Make sure not to get lost in those corridors, they're as old as time.” other than that, Regulus didn’t acknowledge him.

When they reached the Exy court, Remus’s breath audibly hitched, his eyes slightly widening at the sight, it wasn’t near what he imagined, although he had seen it multiple times on tv, he was beginning to think that there was nothing the camera did justice. It was larger than any court he’s been on, with a large golden outline of a lion in the middle of ground, the seats were coloured with red and gold, and the tall plexiglass that surrounded the court —to prevent the ball from escaping to the stands and injuring someone, it was as enchanting as it could’ve gotten, and Remus was deprived. He was already imagining the thrill and exhilaration of holding his racket and sprinting through that court with a full, red gear. The vision was intoxicating and electrifying at the same time.

All Remus wanted was to stay here, stare at the court and forget everything that was wrong with his life, but Regulus didn’t think the same, so once he was sure Remus got a good look, he hurried back to the castle.

Once they were back to the castle, Regulus led him to the dormitory. It was nice and cozy with the same red and gold decoration. They entered the common room, it had pictures of different players from different ages, some of them official pictures, and some others that looked like the players themselves has taken as a memory. His eyes landed on the picture that seems to be the newest addition to the wall. It was a blond girl with a grunge haircut. She was smiling, wide and proud. In the bottom of the picture it read, Marlene McKinnon, the first female captain. 2006.

Remus knew her already, from the noise she caused when she was first chosen as the captain. It was the end of last season, when Gideon Prewett graduated, and with the upperclassmen expecting for the captain to be chosen amongst them. When McGonagall chose Marlene instead, even her own school was furious, and some other misogynistic bastards in media were pouting about not being the center of attention for once in their life, so they were crying about it worldwide, accusing McGonagall of choosing her only because she was biased.

But if anyone was biased it would be them, because Marlene was one of the most talented players in her team, and someone as calm and calculated as she was, and considering how she was playing in more than one position, while her team was lacking players, Marlene had every right to the title she was chosen for.

They passed the common room and Remus headed to one of the dormitories, each dorm had two smaller rooms, with two beds on each one.

After Regulus showed him the dormitory, he informed him that he will be sharing the dorm with Frank Longbottom —the backliner of the team. And because the girls shared a dorm and Sirius and his lot a dorm, and Remus would rather peel him off than share a dorm with them, Remus was glad that he wasn’t paired with any of them.

They were walking back to the great hall in silence when Remus turned into an empty corridor and lit his cigarette. Regulus was walking ahead so wasn’t sure he would notice his absence soon, but once he put the cigarette in his mouth, he felt Regulus’s weight fall next to him in silence.

He didn’t say anything, so Remus didn’t either. He wasn’t sure what Regulus was doing here. everyone knew how obsessed Regulus Black was with Exy, and standing next to someone who is smoking, and inhaling nicotine wasn’t the place you’d expect someone like him to be.
and even though he wasn’t playing with his team anymore, he was still an assistant coach to Gryffindor, and due to their lack of players he was chosen to play front-line with the lions this season. Regulus’s left hand was hopeless, it was broken in such an ugly way that it was obvious he would never be able to play with it again, so that left him to his right hand.

“You need to start trying to live without this,” he pointed at the cigarette in Remus’s hand, “because you’re not smoking it under my training.”

Remus didn’t say anything. Because there was no use, He wasn’t going to quit smoking, and Regulus didn’t know that Remus wouldn’t be staying long, so it would be a pointless argument.

“So, about that day,” he continued when Remus didn’t say anything, “were you trying to play hard to get, or you’re just mentally troubled like that?”

Remus looked at him properly for the first time, his expression was grim and mocking, and after a very long period Remus remembered what it felt like to be properly obsessed with Regulus Black.

He remembered what it was like haunting him in the media, watching every one of his interviews, analyzing his body language, and being able to see right through him every time he was acting to please his fans.

He remembered what it was like to idolize him. To wish he was him. Contemplating what his life would be like if he never ran away, if his father managed to give him to the black’s or the Riddle’s.

Remus turned away when he thought he was staring too long,
“I guess I’m just pretty easy to fluster.” he mused, earning himself a displeased look from Regulus.

“and you get flustered anytime someone asks you for the weather?”

“Exactly, so you might want to watch yourself around me, who knows when I might decide to run again.”

Regulus looked unimpressed, as he held eye contact, trying to get Remus unnerved, but Remus didn’t bust under his gaze, and after a few moments of staring contest, Regulus broke first, “The summer tryouts start at eight in the morning, and you will be having extra practise with me at night, so I want you to be ready every night at eight o'clock.”

He didn't wait for Remus to answer and swarmed off.

Remus didn’t know what to say to that, he assumed Regulus saw his tapes, when he was playing with Mackjoff. And although Remus always tried to act inexperienced so that he doesn’t attract much attention, he still needed practice. He spent eight years without playing Exy, and he undoubtedly lost much of his skills.

***

When they arrived at McGonagall’s apartment, Sirius’ car was already there. They entered the small apartment, McGonagall had already informed him that he would be sleeping on the coach because the apartment had only one bedroom.

James and Peter were already working on something in the kitchen, and Sirius was laying on the coach, his legs on the back of it. He was the first to notice their arrival but he didn’t acknowledge them, too busy twisting something shiny in his hand. Remus walked closer, and his eyes widened when he realized what the object was, it was a talon knife. Remus felt the blood drain from his face, thoughts running a hundred miles a second, his mind racing for a solution, he needed to run, but what if they caught him? They outnumbered him, and Remus had no chance against four people, with Sirius Black amongst them. But how could they? If they killed him now surely McGonagall would suspect them, or maybe she was involved too, maybe she was aligned with his father or one of the dark families, he was coming with million possibilities and their solutions at once, when James spoke, “Jesus man, are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” he shifted his gaze from the knife back to James, and oddly enough he looked sincere and relaxed, he didn't look like someone who was thinking of gang murdering someone.

“Oh, is it because of this?” he pointed at the knife in Sirius’ hand, “I gather you’re not on good terms with knives then. but don't worry Sirius just has a habit of playing with knives when he’s bored, he won’t slice your throat with it.”

“At least not if he’s in a good mood.” that was Peter, who was holding a bowl of popcorn in his hands. Remus noticed that he too looked calm too, so the knife must not be for him, it may be another one of Sirius’ sick tendencies. He tried to calm the adrenaline that was rushing through his blood, the result of his short-going panic.

“We would’ve prepared something better, but none of us can cook to save our life’s and McGonagall will sell us to the mafia if she arrived and found her kitchen on fire, so we settled for popcorn.”

James meant it to be a joke, but Remus’s heart was full of dread at the statement.

Regulus, who was looking at them incredulously, moved to sit down on the carpet next to James, and Peter followed. Remus didn’t look at Sirius' direction since he saw the knife, afraid that he might notice the fear in his eyes, but he could feel Sirius’ eyes on him the whole time. Sirius was smart, and Remus knew that he already suspected something.

Remus’ terror of knifes, was something he lived with his whole life, and it was justified looking how his first form of punishment when he was eight was a knife being carved into his skin, and it wasn’t a quick slash that was done in a minute, but it was dragged through his skin slowly, agonizingly, every shudder of his skin being savored, and every quiver of his lips being relished. Most of those were Greyback’s doing, but the deeper ones, the one’s where his skin became jagged and ugly in order to heal itself without the proper medical equipment, were from the Ripper. His dear father. And Remus was glad it ended with cuts, deep gashed cuts, but only cuts nonetheless, it showed that Remus was favored by him, because when his father lifted his hands to do something he never left it unfinished, when his father was let down he ripped, he broke and destroyed. His father diminished, and Roman Lupin was the proof.

The next twenty minutes were light conversations between the others —Sirius never participating, and Remus trying to avoid Sirius as much as he could.

“Okay guys, we need to go and let Remus get some rest, he sure is tired.” It was James who noticed how bored Remus looked after recovering from an aggressive fit of laughter that left him crying, all because he used to spread a rumor that Peter was a premature infant. Remus didn’t say anything, because he wanted to be alone too.

“Yeah man, he already looks like he's regretting his decision of coming here all because of you.” that was Peter who was also red in the face as much as he laughed at the same thing.

“Hey, Remus,” James said, getting to his feet, “give me your phone number, and I’ll give you a call later.”

“I don’t have a phone.” he said, trying to make his voice as casual as he can make it to be.

James looked slightly surprised, “ Well then how do you communicate with your parents, I heard they’re out of the country.”

“My parents are out on a job, so they’re busy. I’ll call them when they’re finished.” he voiced, growing more irritated at the disbelieving look on James’s face.

“Okay what about your girlfriend, how do you talk to her?” Clearly this man never knew when to back up, “or boyfriend if that’s your thing.” He continued wiggling his eyebrows at Remus, clearly oblivious to the look of annoyance on Remus’s face.

“What’s with the interrogation man? I don’t have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, so I don’t need to talk to anyone.” he was getting defensive now.

“Come on now, who are we kidding, there’s no way you’re single. Not with a fine bone structure and an attractive face like that.”

“Can you live one day without getting under people’s skin Potter?” Regulus snapped, When Remus didn’t answer.

“What? I was just asking. Don’t get all ‘Coach Regulus’ with me right now.”

Regulus rolled his eyes, and Remus wanted them gone. He hated being with younger people. They asked so many questions wanting to know you better or all that shit, at least older people will respect your boundaries if you showed them displeasure. But the younger ones were stubborn.

“No James, I don’t have a partner and I don’t intend to get one. Now what was that you said about me being tired and needing rest?”

“Okay, okay we’re leaving, no need to kick us out.” he said lightheartedly, and Remus thought that was all of it, but then James opened his mouth again. “But If you’re not so sure about ‘not intending to get a partner’ part, you can always contact me. you see, I can be a bit persuasive sometimes.” James gave him a wink. And that was supposed to charm Remus, given that James conventionally was a very attractive man, but it didn’t. He was more focused on the peripheral of his vision, how Regulus’s head snapped sharply at James’s direction.

“James, James, James.” That was the only thing he said all evening, and for the first time since he saw the knife in his hands, Remus looked at Sirius properly, his face was as vacant as it had been all evening, and he still had that knife in his hand. Remus didn’t even notice him getting up.

James glanced at him too, neither Sirius nor James said anything, instead they were holding direct eye-contact, and seemed like they were having a conversation that didn’t need words.

Sirius’s face was impassive and for some abnormal reason, James seemed to be translating a lot of things from it, and after a still silence, and looking between the two of them. James’s expression shifted from focused on Sirius to panicked. “Fucking hell man, fine, fine.” was all he said, holding up his hands in surrender.

Remus didn’t know what to make of that interaction, and he suspected the others didn’t either. So they all left it at that.

When they left, Remus let out a relieved breath as he threw himself on the coach, closing his eyes and drifting into a short nap.

***

The first few days passed with Remus walking on eggshells, and trying to make himself as invisible as he can. McGonagall was barely home, and when she came back made herself a cup of coffee, and went to her room.

Remus doubted she slept at night, given how every time he passed her room in the night; the lights were on. For someone who collected mentally fucked-up kids like coins and for some strange reason expected them to go pro, Minerva McGonagall exhausted herself for their sake.

McGonagall was out to get the team nurse, Remus was already fidgeting, he didn’t get along with most of the adults, but the nurses gave him the creeps, because they spent most of the time ranting about health and gaping at the only visible one of his scars that was on his neck, and that Remus didn’t appreciate.

Remus was lost in his thoughts when he heard the door click that announced their arrival. He got to his feet in an instant, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. He wished he had something with his hands, rather than just stand there with his hands hanging by his sides.

A moment later, McGonagall came into view. The woman with her was a tall woman, almost as tall as McGonagall. Surprisingly enough she had a kind face, with smile lines that showed how often she smiled.

“Remus Lupin. Finally I meet you. Minerva has been telling me all about you, and she got me excited to see you.” She greeted him with a warm smile on her face. For some reason Remus didn’t understand, she had a comforting presence around her, which was strange because Remus never felt that around strangers. Especially older strangers.

“I hope she’s been telling you pleasant things then.” he muttered shifting his weight between his legs.

“Oh the best of them, don’t worry.” Pomfrey replied, maintaining her smile. Remus didn’t know what to say next so kept silent, a tight smile on his face.

“Why don’t you get comfortable, I’m sure you’re exhausted.” McGonagall said, addressing Pomfrey.

“Oh you don’t even know.” as she lightly squeezed Remus’s shoulder, and took her bag and headed to McGonagall's room.

McGonagall looked at him, her face brighter than Remus had seen in those days he’d known her. “She always gets like this when someone joins the team.” smiling at the direction of the room. Remus hummed in response not really knowing what to say. McGonagall gave him a nod and headed to the kitchen.

***

In the following week, things were going better than Remus anticipated. With McGonagall either in her office working and strategizing for the upcoming season or checking on the players. He found himself exchanging conversations with Pomfrey more often than he would like to.

She was interested in him, but it wasn’t because of his secrets or backstory or the things people usually wanted to know about him, it was just because she found him interesting enough on his own accord

She was always talking about the team members she dealt with, about how they were good people, —if you searched good enough she said, but Remus wasn’t interested in searching people for an ounce of goodness. He needed to keep his head low until the season began, and make sure to run away before Gryffindor gets the chance to play with Slytherin. Which meant his time of staying will be shorter, —since Slytherin moved to the same district as Gryffindor after Regulus left. Remus suspected Regulus was the reason.

Tom Riddle and Regulus Black were always inseparable both at the times he knew them, and as far as Remus knows from the screens, they stayed the same. Entwined and devoted to each other, many people claimed that Regulus found in Tom the brother he never did in Sirius.

With the matching tattoos on their left hand, —a creepy looking skull and snake thing, that Remus never understood what kind of maniac will see that and decide to put it on their skin, and the way they never left each other’s side, Remus preferred to think of their relationship as obsession more than a brotherhood.

He was to run as far as he can from anything that has to do with both the Blacks and the Riddles, but now Remus was in the same team with two Blacks and was expected to play against Tom Riddle in the upcoming games.

But Remus never intended to stay and face Riddle, because that was suicide. Even if Tom couldn’t recognize him, he was a year older than him when they met, which means he was more aware of the family’s business more than Regulus, there was a great chance he would recognize his name, or his father. Remus wasn’t stupid enough to take the risk and face him.

It was one thing to be around a Black, but it was a whole different kind of danger to come close to Tom Riddle.

***

“Burn the body Remus.”

Said the high-pitched voice that echoed in Remus’s ears, a pathetic call of a mother on the verge of death desperately trying to prevent her son’s life.

Remus hated it, every time that voice reechoed in his head, the acrid smell of burning flesh and the memory of a flaming hair startled him. It usually ended with his stomach churning and threatening to spell its contents, and Remus finding the nearest source of pain, to disconnect his mind from the past.

So Remus tries to prevent his thoughts from going astray as much as he can, at least while he was at McGonagall’s.

Pomfrey noticed Remus’s interest in reading, so she often lent him some books, and as much as he wanted to dislike her, she was growing on him. Whenever he finished one of her books, she asked about his thoughts while reading. And although she had already read the book; she’ll listen to him rant about it for hours. Conversations with her were getting more comfortable, and as general she was pretty comfortable to be around.

While McGonagall was professional and good with boundaries, Pomfrey wasn’t probing either. Sometimes, when she was curious about something that involved him, Remus saw it in her face, how she changed the topic, afraid that she might cause him any kind of discomfort.

***

Remus has been staying with McGonagall for a month and a half now, with June upcoming soon and the school residence opening, Remus was finally moving there. He didn’t particularly know how he felt about that. His chances of running away at the right time would be lower if he moved to the residence, but he would be safe there too. And it was better for him to stay safe until their first game against Slytherin than rent a place and sleep with an eye open.

Remus took his duffle bag and slung it over his shoulder, —he didn’t have any belongings other than his bag, that contained his biggest regrets, and two sets of clothes.

“Are you ready yet, Remus?” McGonagall said, her face determined, Remus didn’t feel that certainty she felt. He was agitated, his nails digging into his palm.

“Yeah, I am. let’s go.” because Remus never said what he truly felt.

“Were you just going run away like that?” Pomfrey called hurrying from the room, “and I thought we were starting to bond!” she finished her face bright and a teasing smile on her lips, completely unaware of the anxiety her sentence rooted in Remus’s heart.

“No, I— uh, I was just coming to say goodbye actually.”

“Don’t worry I’m messing with you, there’s no need we’ll see each other in a week anyway.” she stepped in to gently squeeze his shoulders, “but still I’ll miss your presence in here.” and Remus had to fight the urge to step away and leave the house. He hated goodbyes and it's not like he had to do one in the first place but he still hated it.

Pomfrey was smiling at him wide and earnest, her forehead wrinkled with lines, which on most of the adults looked repulsing, but on Pomfrey it was endearing.

“Yeah, I’ll miss being here too.” he smiled and oddly enough for the first time in a long time, he didn’t have to fake it.