Sirius loves Girl’s Night just as much as he loves Boy’s Night. Granted, Boy’s Night happens every single night in their dorm (plus those nights on the full moon, obviously), whereas Girl’s Night happens only on special occasions (like those odd days where Alice’s mum sends out some Korean Face Masks, or Lily’s parents send some Muggle hair contraption she wants to try out, or Marlene wants to practice her makeup skills), but Sirius thinks they’re just as fun.
The first time Lily invited him on Girl’s Night, Sirius was a bit… reluctant.
“You know,” he responded, crossing his arms and popping his hip. “Just because I’m dating Moony and I like men, that doesn’t make me a woman.”
Lily was shocked at his response. “I know that! I’m not an insensitive idiot!” she was blushing bright red, all the way to her ears. “I just meant—’cause you told me the other day—when you wore a skirt you said—you told me you felt pretty!”
The Skirt Incident.
In Sixth Year Sirius had transfigured his uniform robes into a more feminine attire. As a joke. But people had stared at his legs (Moony blushed every time Sirius caught him staring), they wolf-whistled at him as he passed, and Sirius, being the star he was named after, fed off of the attention. He’d drunkenly confessed to Lily weeks after that maybe, just maybe, he had liked the feeling of being in the skirt, but he had absolutely hated the harassment that came with it.
Lily had laughed understandingly and said, “Welcome to my world.”
“So I thought—maybe you’d like Girl’s Night? We do each other’s makeup and dress up in each other’s clothes,” Lily’s voice brought him back. She kept blabbering and stumbling over her words. It was kind of endearing, really. “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, obviously, but I thought you might like it.”
Sirius hated stating the obvious, but, “I can’t even go into the girl’s dorm, Evans.”
“We’ll never know if we never try, right?” She responded with a grin. It was then that he understood what it was that Prongs had seen in her.
With matching smiles, Lily held his hand as they started going up. She seemed a lot less nervous than Sirius, who was sure the stairwell would evaporate as soon as he stepped on them, just like they did with everyone else.
He stepped on the first step. Nothing happened. The staircase was as solid as the stone it was made of.
Next step. Nothing. Sirius let out a huff of breath he didn’t even know he was holding.
He looked up at Lily and smiled devilishly. “Don’t even think for a second that I’m not going to abuse these privileges.”
Lily held up her hands, letting go of Sirius in the process. “Just don’t prank me! I’m helping you!”
When they got there, Sirius was more nervous than before. Lily opened the door to find all of the girls in their pyjamas.
Mary was wearing some sort of nightcap, and was braiding Dorcas’ hair really close to her scalp as she talked. Marlene was fumbling with Lily’s record player, wearing a feather boa on top of her strange Muggle hat. Alice was laughing at something Mary had said.
But all of it lasted for a quarter of a second, because as soon as they saw Sirius standing on their door frame they stopped whatever it was they were doing to stare at him.
“Lily, love,” Mary was the first to break the silence. “What is he doing here? It’s Girl’s Night.”
All of Lily’s bravado was gone at that moment. She opened her mouth to say something, but no sound came out.
Sirius took a step forward, “Well, she was downstairs bragging, you know how she is.”
Lily scoffed a laugh, egging him on.
“She said Girl’s Night is so much more fun than Boy’s Night. So, since I’m the Judge of All Things Fun—obviously—I had to evaluate for myself.”
Marlene laughed. Glorious, glorious Marlene. “Then you have to do everything we do, Black. I’ll do your makeup, Mary’ll do your hair and you can borrow Alice’s clothes.”
Sirius smirks as Lily closes the door behind them. “No offence, Alice, but I think our styles don’t match. I think I might want to try going full goth.”
Alice laughs, waving her hands. “Well, you’ll just have to try everything. Just to be sure.”
That night, the girls had treated Sirius like their own personal dress-up doll. They’d put him in outfits they think might work. Marlene did his makeup and vanished it, over and over. Mary drenched his hair in sticky Muggle gel and then decided it didn’t look as good as she had pictured in her head. Dorcas had gouged his taste by showing him different jewellery and asking him what he liked, she responded, “Interesting,” to everything he said.
Girl’s Night, it turns out, is the perfect opportunity for all of them to try out something new, something they’d be too ashamed to try for the first time in public. They strut around the dorm in their new Thing, and the other girls decide if it works or not (that’s how Marlene started dyeing her hair a platinum blonde, how Mary started using glitter in her eyelids during parties, how Lily found out that Mary’s style actually suited her as well, how Alice found out her hair looked great in two buns on each side of her face, and how Dorcas lost her fear of shaving her head) (it is also how Sirius started wearing eyeliner, colourful nail polish, and just a tad of blush on his cheeks). Most of the time, though, if the person doing the new Thing acts like they like it, everyone else decides they like it too.
After that night, once every two or three months, Lily will come up to him, usually when he’s alone, and say, “Girl’s Night tonight.” And Sirius will cancel any plan he had with the Marauders to hang out with the girls.
And tonight was no different. So while Marlene applied some sort of powder on his face using a really, really soft brush, Mary started talking over the Fleetwood Mac record Lily had put on.
“What is everyone planning on doing after Hogwarts?”
It wasn’t a strange question. Most of the conversations he overheard amongst his fellow Seventh Years started with some variation of the same question. Sirius opened his eyes slightly. He felt Dorcas’ hands on his hair. Mary was over at one of the beds, magically altering one of Lily’s dresses to make it fit more snugly on her body. Alice was using her wand to curl the ends of her hair in front of the mirror. Lily walked carefully around the room in Marlene’s platformed boots.
“What’s your plan, Mary?” Lily said, strained. Those boots really required maximum concentration effort.
Mary shrugged. “I was thinking of asking Benjy to come and move with me to America.”
Nobody said anything for a while. Mary stood by the full-body mirror, watching their expressions carefully. Sirius closed his eyes and let Marlene keep working to the sound of Stevie Nicks’ voice.
“What about you and Remus, Sirius?” she said.
Sirius opened his eyes in a flash, pushing Marlene’s brush in a direction it wasn’t supposed to go. She complained but carefully started vanishing the traces of eyeshadow on his under eye using her wand.
“I don’t know,” he responded, shrugging. “We’ll probably get a flat in London and join the Order.”
Mary walked towards him, expecting. The rest of the girls watched, almost grimacing. “That’s it?!”
Sirius shrugs again.“There’s a war on,” he said. Girl’s Night was the perfect place to forget about it, but he could not deny what was really happening. And even if he wanted to, he couldn’t ignore the war. It had permeated his life since before he was born, it had covered each aspect of his life. Maybe there was nothing else for him.
Mary sighed. “Well, if I’m honest, I don’t think Benjy’s gonna wanna come with me. He wants to join the Order, too.” She sits on the closest bed, playing with one of her braids, her new Thing (Sirius doesn’t feel like she likes them as much as she likes her natural hair, so she’s bound to take them off soon). She shrugs in an imitation of Sirius. “And we’re probably gonna break up. But I’ll tell you what it is that I’d want to do, if there wasn’t a war.”
The rest of the girls didn’t seem as eager to ignore the political climate of the Wizarding World, not like Mary.
Sirius felt Dorcas nervously, absentmindedly braiding a strand of his hair. Marlene had told him once that Dorcas’ parents expected her to go back home and marry some pureblood man they approved of. Sirius guessed, Nigerian or not, pureblood values were pureblood values, and they definitely wouldn’t approve of their daughter dating a half-blooded quidditch star who also happened to be a girl.
“I’d go to America with Benjy. And as soon as I got off the plane, I’d get signed as a model. He could get a job or open a restaurant, like he always wanted. I’d walk on runways all over the world, and his place would be so exclusive, people would have to make a line for hours just to get a table.” Mary smiled dazedly, looking up at the ceiling. Lily sat down next to her, holding Mary’s hand and tracing circles in her palm. “And you girls would visit often, we’d always have a table ready for you. Or I’d come to London, you know, during Fashion Week and all. You all could brag about your famous friend. And then maybe, somewhere along the way, we’d adopt a couple of kids. We’d have a big, big house full of people. And I’d teach my kids to do art, how to paint so they’d help me with projects around the house, and Benjy would teach them to cook, so every Mother’s day they’d wake me up with breakfast in bed.”
“I’m gonna become a healer,” Lily chimes when it’s evident Mary is done. The record player has gone silent, save for the faint sound of the vinyl still turning. “And at first, I’ll live with James in a flat in London, near the healer program. He’s gonna do quidditch, obviously, and after a few years, we’ll get married.
“I want to have kids, but you know, not right away. Maybe a couple of girls, or a boy and a girl. A boy who looks like James and a girl who looks like me.” It was strange that Sirius could picture exactly what Lily was saying. James always wanted a big family, and he’d be so excited to hear Lily wants that, too. He smiled at her softly. “And when I start working at St. Mungo’s, we’ll get a house, somewhere. A big cottage like the one James grew up in, with enough yard space for the kids to play quidditch with James, a studio for me to do my potions, enough rooms for everybody. Far enough a Muggle village, where we can do magic without complaints, but a place where we can also have a phone. Or a fridge. We’ll have everybody over for dinner every Sunday. My parents, James’ parents, you girls. And the boys, too. James will cook, cause he loves to. We’ll be a big, happy family.”
“I do want to get married right away, and have children,” said Alice, suddenly. Marlene scoffed a laugh, to which Alice responded with a glare. “I’ve always wanted to be a mum, you all know that! Frank wants to be a dad too. We’ll outnumber the Weasleys someday.”
She had a sleepy smile on her face, her hair was half up, half curled on her shoulders. Lily had done her makeup and her cheeks glowed positively pink, her new Thing tonight was the combination of blue eyeshadow and red lipstick. Sirius liked the lipstick but thought the eyeshadow was too much on her hooded eyelids.
“I already know the names of the first two: Neville and Nanette. Frank’s already working at the Ministry, and he says he’s saving up for our house. We want to live in a Wizarding town. Not too far from our families, but far enough so that they won’t disturb our peace. We’ll have a big, big house someday, you know I’ve never liked feeling cooped up anywhere. I’ll cook and I’ll watch the kids, but I’ll also work on my writing.
“Most of all, though, I want a big wedding.” Alice continues, “I love Frank, and I want nothing more than to be with him forever. Always together. So we’ll have a big ceremony, and a huge party. We'll figure out a way to play Muggle music all around, I’m sure I can arrange that, even though Frank’s mum doesn’t like it. But I won’t care, because it’s going to be our day. You’ll all be my bridesmaids, and when I get cold feet, you’ll try to help me flee. But then I’ll remember how much I love him, how even when I wanted to leave, all I wanted was to run to him. I’ll wear a big, puffy dress instead of the horrible wedding robes my mum wore at her wedding, and Frank can wear anything, because he looks good in everything.
“I want to work with my dad, as a mechanic.” Marlene said, sighing. She reached out behind Sirius to hold Dorcas’ hand. “Obviously I want to live with Dorcas, but we’ll live in the city. So I’ll go back and forth. I’ll work in Derry with dad and I’ll apparate back in the night.”
“I’ll join the healers too, I think,” Dorcas said in a soft voice. Her brown eyes lit up all of a sudden. “Or I’ll have a garden. A big garden where I’ll raise magical, healing plants. I’ll talk to them all the time, so they can grow big and strong.”
“So we’ll have a big house in the middle of London, where Dorcas can have her garden and then someday, when my dad retires, I’ll open my own shop there. I’ll fix up Muggle cars and see if I can make some magical experiments on them. And I’ll ask her to marry me, someday.”
Dorcas blushes when Marlene looks over at her. Alice, Lily and Mary are all swooning. Sirius feels a bit awkward.
“We’ll get married, but no kids.”
“Yeah, I don’t want children. I’m pretty content being an aunt to all of your kids.” Said Marlene, shaking her head.
“We’ll be the best aunts.” Dorcas agreed. “Marlene will give them all brooms for Christmas and start training her very own Little Team.”
“Good luck trying that without James,” Lily scoffed, receiving laughs from all of them.
“And Dorcas will knit them all matching sweaters.” Marlene smiled.
“And obviously, if anyone ever needs anything,” Dorcas’ voice lowered. “If your kids need advice or just a place to complain about their stupid parents. We’ll be there.”
“Agreeing with every word,” Marlene nodded.
Sirius could picture it. A life in London, all of them, together. Kids of all ages arriving at Hogwarts. A second generation of troublemakers and childhood friends. Sirius would give them the map, of course, and Remus could help them with homework. He pictured a home, a life he could spend with his family, his found family. A future that could be, but wouldn’t.
“Sirius?” Lily’s voice took him out of his trance.
He looked all around, sighed and said, “I’ll get a flat, with Moony. I wanted to live with him and James, but that’s not on the table anymore.”
Lily laughed, blushing. She mouthed the word, sorry.
“Just a flat?” Mary demanded.
“Maybe a flat with nice, big windows,” he shrugged. He knew he was not exactly cooperating or making the conversation flow, but it was hard for him to think about this kind of stuff. “I’d like a telephone-thing, too.”
Lily and Mary watched him with big, wide, pitying eyes.
“Do you think you’ll get married, someday? Or have a family?” said Alice softly. Lily nods at him encouragingly.
Before Hogwarts (and during his first day in Hogwarts), his family was merely a name. People looked up to him, and they listened to what he had to say, no matter how absurd, people listened, because he was a Black. His parents always said Family was the most important thing to them, but he had understood at a young age, they didn’t mean the people surrounding them; they meant the Black Name. Before Hogwarts, he had the love of his mother and his brother (and the indifference of his father), but only under the circumstances they wanted for him. All it took was a sorting, a short moment, to gain their hatred.
He had always been a rebel, and he was always forgiven for everything he did. But he was thrown out and scorned for something he couldn’t even control.
If family meant that, Sirius didn’t want a family of his own.
When he met James Potter, he was met with the possibility of a loving family. His parents wrote to him every day, to know how he was, to hear about his friends, to know about his classes. They sent him gifts on his birthdays, they waved to him until the train left King’s Cross, they sent out his favourite tea blend, and they hugged him for hours when they picked him up during the holidays.
The Potters took him in as one of their own. James became his brother.
He always knew a similar fate awaited James, one with a picket fence and little redheaded children in thick-rimmed spectacles running around in a garden, but he had never considered some variation of that same fantasy for himself.
The same kind of thing had happened before.
Before, marriage was a prison. It was spending the rest of his life with someone he despised, just like his parents had done. Popping out a couple of children, an heir and a spare, and then never talking again, just like his parents had done. It meant despising your children and resenting your partner.
Euphemia and Fleamont turned this notion upside down. Effie brewed Monty a cup of tea every morning, even though she didn’t drink it herself. Monty always brought little Muggle trinkets from his business travels to London, things he knew Effie would appreciate. They kissed often, and Sirius often caught them slow-dancing to an Etta James record. James told Sirius the story of how they became a couple and Sirius suddenly understood why he had taken one good look at Lily and decided he was gonna marry that girl one day.
Being with Remus was like that, too. It was easy, comfortable, but never predictable. It was knowing when the other needed space, knowing the cues for when the other needed a hug or some chocolate. Being with Remus was knowing love.
He had never wanted to marry, but lately, whenever he looked at Remus and saw his soft amber eyes looking back at him with pure adoration, he understood the feeling of wanting to be with someone for the rest of your life.
Sirius hadn’t believed in love at all, not until he had people show him what true, unconditional love was.
“Maybe?” he said, breaking through the silence. “I guess I don’t think about it.”
Lily opened her mouth, ready to change the subject, but Sirius had more to say.
“I guess I’d want a flat with big windows, like I said. Grimmauld Place had absolutely no windows. Maybe we’d have a window seat, where Moony can sit and read, and where we can do the crossword,” he blushed. He couldn’t believe what he was saying. “A flat in deep Muggle London, where we’d get a telly-vision—we learnt about those in Muggle Studies—and we’ll sit by the couch and eat toast together. He lets me help out with chores, even though my cooking is really bad, and I’ll get a car—or a motorcycle, and we’ll drive around the country, just me and him.
“Mostly, I see us in a small place, a cosy flat with a terrace, where Moony can grow his plants. We’ll do everything the Muggle way, no magic at all, except for the dishes. And we’ll be there long enough to watch the flowers grow.”
Out of his trance, Sirius looked around at the girls. Alice was about to tear up, and even though Marlene seemed about to bonk him on the head, her eyes were also a bit twinkly.
“Yours is so much better than ours,” Mary complained, throwing a pillow at his face.
Sirius laughed. Maybe he could tell Remus about this talk. Maybe his vision was something they could have someday.