Fight or Flight?
~Well, fight or flight, I'd rather die
Than have to cry in front of you~
There is a pin in Regulus’ chest- making breathing the hardest thing ever. He doesn’t even know why. He was minding his own business in potions(usually his favourite class) but suddenly Slughorn's voice became much too loud and the scratching of quills on parchment felt as if it were scratching into his skull. He couldn’t handle it. As soon as they were dismissed he put all of his belongings away and practically rushed out of the classroom and to the library for some quiet.
He sat in his usual spot and was glad that he had class to go to for another hour. Rather than calming down and regaining the ability to breathe properly, however, the needle just dug deeper, making his breathing become shorter and shorter. He tried to calm down, he really did, but when he failed, he could feel warmth down his cheeks as tears he didn’t even know were there fell. His vision got blurry and his hands got shaky.
He imagined what his mother and father would think of him if they saw him right now. He knew it was pathetic, but the amount of panic in him swallowed him whole and made it so his rational thoughts were proven irreverent. His fingers tangled in his hair and tugged in an attempt to ground himself. Sometimes the light pain helped.
‘Regulus?’ A voice called for him. He flinched at the loudness of whoever it was, though they were probably much quieter than he perceived.
He looked up to see Remus and panicked, pulling his hands out of his hair and to his face to shield it from the taller.
‘Hey, it’s alright, okay?’ Remus moved closer slowly, resting a hand on Regulus’ shoulder. ‘Can you breathe with me? In and out.’ He demonstrates and Regulus follows, not being able to do anything else.
After a bit of guided breathing, Remus sits across from Regulus, hands on the table as they sit in silence. Regulus wants to run. This should’ve never happened. Why did Remus of all people have to see him like this?
‘So…’ There is clearly tension in the air from the awkwardness of the situation. ‘Are you alright? What’s wrong?’
Regulus sucks in a breath.
‘Listen, I appreciate you, but I’m fine. I’ve got a class to go to now. Bye.’ He lies right through his teeth.
‘Really? You usually don’t have any classes after potions because the next herbology class for fifth years isn’t for a good while.’
Why does he know that? Who would care that much?
‘Well… Barty wanted to study before class so I’ve got to go.’
‘Listen, if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I’ll leave you alone. I just really want you to know that I’m here for you.’
‘Okay.’ He didn’t mean for his tone to be so harsh, but it still came out that way. He still can’t properly control his nerves, but at least his breathing is evened out and there isn’t a pin digging deep into his chest.
With that Remus leaves. He didn’t seem offended at all, though. He understood. Regulus didn’t know why he got so fidgety and nervous around Remus. Remus is always kind and if it weren’t for him being a Black- Regulus would even want to be his friend. Either way, it’s not like being a Black stopped Sirius. Being around Remus makes Regulus nervous. He was trying to impress someone who didn’t ask to be impressed, really. At the same time, some voice(influenced by his mother) screams at him to avoid the mud-blood as best as he can and to not bother impressing him. He knows that is wrong and doesn’t think that way. That voice just messes with him anytime he does anything.
He knows it’ll come out around specific people so he avoids it. Internalised hatred is not what he wants to deal with. For some reason, when he realised Remus was the one standing there, the hatred directed towards himself. It made him feel even more pathetic than what he was. It made Regulus want to run and hide. Instead of doing so- he just started being short with Remus. He didn’t dare respond with full sentences. He was being rude, even. He knew it. He wasn’t being hateful, though.
That hatred stayed deep inside of him, not daring to slip. If any words with true hatred slips from Regulus’ mouth towards anyone who doesn’t really deserve it, he would never forgive himself. Even if it was towards his own brother, and it did come out as hate, both parties know it is not true. At least Regulus hopes he does.