August 17th, 1973: Summer Before Third Year
For most children, the summer holidays were a time of joy and anticipation. For Sirius Black, however, they brought nothing but dread. Returning to Grimmauld Place meant weeks of suffocating confinement, boredom pressing down on him like a weight, and a desperate longing for escape.
His prayers were finally answered in the form of a letter from his best mate, James Potter, inviting him to spend the remainder of the summer at the Potter manor in Scotland. Ordinarily, his parents would have protested such an arrangement, but this year it coincided with the annual Black family reunion in Bourgogne. Attendance was typically mandatory for Sirius, but his parents eagerly seized the chance to rid themselves of their troublesome elder son. Besides, they couldn’t very well leave him alone in the manor—who knew what chaos a thirteen-year-old might unleash? Their pride and joy, Regulus, of course, would accompany them.
Sirius didn’t care about being left behind or overlooked. Far from it. The thought of escaping Grimmauld Place and spending the rest of the summer with James filled him with elation. For once, being the forgotten child felt like a blessing.
“James!” Sirius hissed, glancing nervously over his shoulder. “This is a bad idea. We’re going to get in trouble!”
James flashed him a crooked grin, his eyes glinting with mischief. “Sirius Black, scared of a little adventure? I never thought I’d live to see the day.”
Sirius flushed, a mix of embarrassment and irritation creeping into his voice. “I’m not scared,” he stammered, though the unease was evident. “I just don’t think your parents will be thrilled to find out we snuck out.”
“What are you so worried about?” James countered with a dismissive wave of his hand. “We sneak around Hogwarts all the time.”
That was true. They were masters of late-night escapades at school, but this felt different. Hogwarts was a sanctuary, where breaking rules meant detentions or lost house points. This was James’s home, his parents’ domain. Sirius wasn’t sure he wanted to risk breaking their trust.
“Come on, Sirius, the concert’s going to be amazing!” James urged, his enthusiasm infectious. A popular Muggle band was performing in town, and the idea of hearing real Muggle music live had thrilled Sirius—until James’s parents firmly said no. He’d been disappointed, but James was undeterred.
“Are you sure they won’t notice we’re gone?” Sirius asked, his nerves making him hesitate.
“I’m positive,” James said confidently. “Mum and Dad went to bed half an hour ago, and they’re deep sleepers. Trust me, I’ve done this before.”
Sirius bit his lip, torn between his better judgment and the allure of the adventure. The thought of the concert was tempting—too tempting.
“Alright, let's go.” Sirius gave in with a smile.
They crept around to the back of the house, the clock nearing 3 a.m., their muffled giggles breaking the stillness of the night. The adrenaline from the concert still buzzed in their veins, and James couldn’t stop raving about the bassist.
“Her tits, mate, her tits!” he sighed, starry-eyed, clearly replaying every detail in his head.
Sirius rolled his eyes, not quite understanding the fascination. “Quiet down, lover boy,” he muttered, clamping a hand over James’s mouth as they approached the back window.
“Alright,” James whispered, pulling Sirius’s hand away. “We just slip through the kitchen, up the stairs, and back to bed. Easy.” He pushed the window’s sill up with practiced ease.
One after the other, they scrambled through the window, landing softly on the tiled kitchen floor. They moved carefully, their footsteps light as feathers, creeping toward the stairs.
But a few moments later, the room flooded with a warm yellow glow. Both boys froze, their hearts stopping in tandem as their eyes landed on Effie Potter. She stood in the doorway to the living room, arms crossed, her tired face framed by disheveled curls and her night robe. She looked equal parts exhausted and furious.
James let out a nervous chuckle, his confidence visibly evaporating. “Uh… hi, Mum. What are you doing up so late?”
Effie raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. “I could ask you the same thing.”
Sirius’s stomach dropped as his heart pounded in his chest. Of all the scrapes he’d gotten into with James, this felt like the one they might not charm their way out of.
“We were... uh... collecting leaf samples for an Herbology project?” James offered weakly, his grin faltering under his mother’s piercing gaze.
“Cut the bullshit, James. I know you two went to the concert,” Effie said sharply, her tone leaving no room for argument. “After I explicitly forbade it.”
Sirius stared hard at the floor, shame twisting his stomach into knots. He’d known it was a bad idea, known it would get them in trouble, and now here they were—caught. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
“But, Mum,” James whined, trying to salvage the situation. “It was The Rickets! You know how much I love their music.”
Effie’s eyes narrowed. “I said no, James, and you disobeyed me.” Her voice was clipped, her frustration barely contained. “You’re thirteen. You’re too young to be sneaking out to concerts—especially now, with everything going on—” She broke off abruptly, inhaling deeply as if trying to steady herself.
“I know Mum, but-”
“No, James, you don’t know!” Effie snapped, her voice rising. “There are reasons I’m saying no, and it’s not because I’m some ‘mean mum’ trying to ruin your fun!”
Sirius flinched at the raised voice, wishing James would just stop. He was only making things worse. Sirius’s hands twisted anxiously, and his gaze remained glued to the floor, his thoughts spiraling. He didn’t know how to fix this. He never did.
Effie shook her head, clearly disappointed. “It’s obvious you two don’t respect my rules. Being nice clearly isn’t enough to make you understand. This stunt will have consequences. You will be punished.”
The word hit Sirius like a thunderclap. Punishment.
His head shot up, his eyes wide, panic crashing over him like a tidal wave. Effie was saying something else, but her words sounded far away, muffled, as if they were underwater. His mind clung to the word, repeating it over and over. Punishment. What would it be? Would she use Lacero? No—he’d never seen marks on James. But… maybe things were different for him. He wasn’t her son, just a troublesome guest. It made sense. Trouble always had a price.
Where would she do it? His hands? No, that was too visible. His legs? Yes, probably there. That’s where his mother always—
He didn’t realize he was shaking until his body started trembling violently. His breaths came fast and shallow, his chest tightening as his thoughts raced. Stop it, Sirius. Get a grip. Mum doesn’t like it when you shake. Stand still. Control yourself, or she’ll get even angrier. Breathe. Just breathe.
“Sirius?” a voice called distantly, muffled like everything else.
Mum, I’m sorry. Please, I didn’t mean to. I’ll fix it. I’ll be better.
“Sirius, please,” the voice tried again, more insistent now.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
A hand touched his arm, and Sirius jerked violently, gasping as if surfacing from deep water. “I’m sorry!” he cried, his voice trembling. “I’m sorry!”
Effie crouched in front of him, her face softening with concern. She pulled her hand back, her eyes searching his. “Sirius, sweetheart,” she said gently, her voice calm but tinged with worry. “I need you to breathe with me. Slowly, okay?” She forced a small, soothing smile.
Sirius’s chest heaved, his mind still spiraling. His mother had been here, hadn’t she? Or was that... no, this was different. Effie wasn’t—
“Mum, what’s wrong with him?” James’s voice cut through the haze, somewhere off to the side.
Effie answered quietly, her tone heavy with sadness. “He’s having a panic attack.” She turned back to Sirius, her expression kind but firm. “Sirius, sweetie, can you name five things you can see? Just five things, anything at all.”
Five things? His scattered mind struggled to focus, but Effie’s steady presence anchored him.
“Five things,” she repeated softly. “You’ve got this.”
“Table... chair... sock... flower... James,” Sirius gasped out, his breaths uneven but slowing.
Effie gave him an encouraging nod, her voice still calm and steady. “Good, Sirius. That’s very good. Now let’s do four things you can touch. Can you name four for me?”
Sirius blinked rapidly, his gaze darting around as his mind struggled to comply. “Uh… the floor… my shirt… um… the table edge… and…” He hesitated, clenching and unclenching his fists. “And my hands,” he finally said, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Perfect,” Effie said softly, her tone warm but grounded. “You’re doing so well, Sirius. Now, three things you can hear.”
He swallowed hard, closing his eyes for a moment to concentrate. “Uh… James breathing… the clock ticking… and… the wind outside,” he murmured, his breathing beginning to slow.
“Good. That’s good,” Effie reassured him, her gaze steady and kind. “Now, two things you can smell. Can you do that for me?”
Sirius hesitated again, his nose wrinkling slightly as he sniffed the air. “The tea… and… something flowery? Maybe soap?”
Effie smiled gently. “That’s great, Sirius. One last thing—something you can taste.”
His tongue darted out instinctively to wet his dry lips. “Uh… spit?” he offered awkwardly, a faint hint of embarrassment coloring his voice.
Effie let out a small, soft laugh, shaking her head. “That works just fine.”
James, who had been hovering anxiously, finally spoke up, his voice tinged with worry. “Is he... is he okay now?”
Effie glanced at her son and nodded. “He’s doing much better. These things take a moment, James. We just have to be patient.” Turning back to Sirius, she asked gently, “How are you feeling, sweetheart?”
Sirius hesitated, his eyes darting between Effie and James. “I… I think I’m okay now,” he mumbled, though his hands still trembled slightly. “I’m… sorry. I didn’t mean to…”
Effie reached out cautiously, waiting for a sign it was okay before placing a hand lightly on his shoulder. “You don’t need to apologize, Sirius,” she said softly. “What happened isn’t your fault. You’re safe here, alright? No one’s going to hurt you.”
Her words made Sirius’s chest tighten.
James crouched beside him, his voice quieter than usual. “You scared me there for a second, mate. Are you sure you’re okay?”
Sirius gave him a small nod, avoiding his friend’s concerned gaze. “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” he murmured, feeling embarrassed.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Potter,” Sirius murmured, his voice barely audible. “I’m sorry for breaking your rules. You can punish me now.”
Effie’s expression softened, though a flicker of surprise crossed her face. “Sirius,” she said gently, “the only punishment you and James will be receiving is no more broom privileges for the rest of the week.”
James groaned loudly at the decree, but Sirius’s reaction was entirely different. His eyes filled with tears, an overwhelming wave of emotions crashing over him—relief that he wouldn’t be hurt and shame for ever thinking that Effie Potter could do such a thing.
The first tear slid down his cheek, and he quickly scrubbed at his face, desperate to stop them. But his body betrayed him; he was still raw from the panic attack, too fragile to keep his emotions at bay.
“Oh, Sirius,” Effie murmured, stepping forward and wrapping him in a warm embrace. Sirius stiffened for a moment before melting into her arms, his barriers crumbling completely.
“Did I scare you, love?” she asked softly, her voice laced with concern.
Sirius gave a small nod, his words tumbling out in a shaky rush. “I’m sorry—I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I freaked out so much.”
Effie held him tightly, her hand gently rubbing soothing circles on his back. “It’s alright, sweetheart. It’s alright,” she whispered, holding him until the worst of his hiccuping sobs subsided.
When he finally pulled away, Effie crouched down slightly, meeting his eyes. She cupped his face gently, her thumbs brushing away the lingering tears. “Sirius, I need you to listen to me very carefully,” she said, her tone calm but firm. “In this house, we do not hit. We do not hurt. When something goes wrong, we talk about it, and there are consequences that fit the situation. But no one here will ever lay a hand on you. Do you understand?”
Sirius hesitated, his gaze darting to the floor. But Effie reached out, gently guiding his chin so their eyes met again.
“I mean it, Sirius,” she continued. “Your punishment is no flying for the next few days—a consequence that makes sense for what you did. But there is no place for cruelty in this home. You are safe here. Always.”
A breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding escaped in a whisper. “Okay,” he managed, his voice barely audible.
Sirius felt a flush of embarrassment creeping over him. He was suddenly hyper aware of how much he’d let his guard down, and of how Effie seemed to understand more than he wanted to admit. He’d never told his friends about his home life, but years of arriving at Hogwarts with fresh scars and flinching during the holidays must have given them clues he hadn’t realized they noticed.
Effie, sensing his discomfort, smiled warmly and smoothed back his hair. “Now, why don’t you two head up to bed? You’ve had quite the night.” She straightened up and gave a gentle shooing motion.
James immediately grabbed Sirius’s arm, guiding him toward the stairs with a light touch. “Come on, mate,” he said softly. “Let’s get some sleep.”
Sirius followed without protest, glancing back briefly as Effie watched them go, her gaze filled with understanding and compassion. For the first time in a long time, Sirius felt a flicker of something unfamiliar. Maybe, just maybe, there really was a different way to live.