The sludge in my brain
Chapter 2: The sludge in my brain
Harry could not move from his bed. It wasn’t for any logical reason. He isn’t injured, he isn’t tied down, nor is he gravely ill. And yet...
He lays unable to move. The best way he can describe it, would be as if he is being crushed, slowly but surely... crushed, beneath the weight of nothing in particular. It doesn’t make sense, there is no logic or reason to his current predicament, it just... simply is.
In some ways he feels hollow, as if his body forgot how to feel, how to have emotions. Like someone has taken everything in his chest, his personality, his care, his dreams, his wants... and twisted it into a deep hollow sort of tiredness.
It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t break. It doesn’t scream. And that somehow makes it worse.
He wakes up at odd hours. Spending most of his time either staring at the ceiling or in a dead sleep.
Selena talks to him softly and forces him to eat. The food tastes like nothing, her words feel distant.
Solace rarely leaves Harry’s side. The little bird stays with his feathery body sat on Harry’s chest, chirping softly, and trying to... maybe get Harry to feel?
Luna calls, every day, sometimes for hours at a time. Harry always picks up he would never ignore Luna Lovegood. He stares at the reflection and listens to her speak, he watches as she takes him on tours round her house and garden, and in the woods near her house. He smiles when she does, but he doesn’t feel any happier. Harry thinks she knows. She always knows.
He thinks that she looks at him and sees every broken piece every jagged shard. It scares him sometimes. But mostly it's a comfort. To be known, to be seen... it’s something he’s always wanted.
Luna still calls though. More and more each day. Trying (without ever acknowledging that she is) to keep him from being crushed entirely under the weight of whatever it is that is trying to drown him.
In some ways it's shameful. To have any human see him in this state of uncaring. In this hollow existence. But mostly he finds he can’t care to much – that's something that’s been quite impossible the past few weeks... caring.
He thinks maybe it's this house. Now so silent. So... Unknown. He is a ghost to them and he is a ghost to himself.
It was easier in the first two weeks. To keep the sludge in his brain at bay. He had so much summer course work to focus on and his daily treks to the library. Alex. The outside world in general. But now... now there is nothing. Nothing to distract himself with. Just empty beige walls and the hollow in his chest.
“Star. You must eat.” Selena’s voice, gentle and worried.
“Later.” He replies, wondering how far away later is, he lost track of the days, they all seem to merge together.
“You cannot stay here forever my speaker; you will fade away.” She says, slithering onto his chest, and placing a sandwich down on his pillow. She somehow managed to carry it in her small mouth. “I know what it is to fade away speaker. I spent three years in my cage with those muggles, dying. Not my body but my mind. That was worse somehow.” She hisses, with a mournful tone to her voice.
“How did you make it stop.” He asks, the fog in his mind thinning as he looks up at her emerald and black eyes.
“You, star.” She hisses softly. “You took me from my cage and saved me from the muggles.”
He closes his eyes against the fog as it rolls back in thicker than before. There is no true escape from this cage. Not until he can go back to Hogwarts. Even if there was someone who could save him... he can’t go against Dumbledores orders. It would shatter the plans he and his friends have. It would destroy any chance at keeping himself in the old man's good books, and Harry is smart enough to know that being Dumbledore’s enemy is the last thing he can deal with right now. Maybe in the future... When Harry is stronger. When He knows how to Use all the power in his core, and he has allies with political power that can back him up. Maybe then... but for now, he will stay. Not because he wants to – but because he has to.
“No one can save me Selena.” He whispers, before turning over and going back to sleep.
~~~
Harry dreams:
He stands on a barrier between two worlds he cannot see though the barrier as the shadows block his view.
He takes a step forward, wondering if he can break through the wall somehow. But he stops when he feels the presence of something behind him.
He turns slowly – he does not feel threatened. He does not feel scared. His eyes land on a woman. She is tall and slender, with skin as pale as snow, her lips are thin and tinged with charcoal black, she has high cheekbones and sharp features, her eyes are the shadows themselves – dark and endless and yet somehow soft, her hair is raven black, cascading down her back with streaks of sliver spread throughout. She is dressed in a sweeping gown made of spooling shadows and upon her head is a crown of sorts – made of bones and finest silver a symbol set in the middle, a triangle with line going through it and a circle in the centre, and lastly a cloak silvery and sheer clasped at her neck and flowing down her back reaching her heels.
The aurora around her is one of immense power. Harry has no doubt that she could kill him in a moment without even twitching a finger. Yet still, he does not feel scared. There is kindness to her too, somehow softness despite her cold shadows and sharp features.
“Hello.” She speaks, her voice is smooth and musical almost, in a way that somehow soothes him and sends shivers down his spine simultaneously. “We meet for the first time.”
“Who are you.” He asks, looking up at her, his green eyes meeting her shadowed ones. He feels as if she should know her name.
“Next time my dear, I will tell you. This is not the last time I will meet you here.” She replies, a fond smile appearing on her face, and her eyes soften.
“Oh.” He says, tilting his head to one side. “Okay.” He does not feel the need to argue, he does not know why.
“Sleep now.” She says, still smiling.
The world slips away from him and he falls back into unconsciousness.
__
His eyes open blearily, and he looks around his dark room in privet drive, moonlight shines through the window. He only has time to think ‘that was a strange dream’ before sleep pulls him under once more.
~~~
The days move on much the same. In an endless grey. The world still crushes him. His body feels tired beyond what should be possible. Everything is a blur.
But there is a small light that shines through... Luna, had said that in two days they will meet in Diagon ally. Harry can escape this place (even if it's only for one day) and see his friends (assuming he can find the will to move).
Soon. He hopes they will make him care again as he use to. He hopes seeing them in person will help the hollow in his chest become less.
Two more days.