Today I can’t concentrate, I’ve been reading the same page about the history of magic for 20 minutes and I still don’t understand what I'm reading. I’m too distracted thinking about the game tomorrow, we can’t lose it, this season we aren’t the best team in the school. Too many people left Hogwarts, too many new players, we still have to learn how to play together and here we are, the last game till march, when we will play to win the cup. I don’t know what to do, I’m the captain and I don’t know what to do. I’m the captain and I’m like this the day before the game, I suck at this I shouldn’t have become captain. Now all the gryffindors are counting on me and I can’t even count on myself to not lose it completely. I can feel something’s wrong?. My heart is racing. I can’t feel my body. I can’t breathe. Why can't I breathe normally?. I don’t know what’s happening. Am I dying? Why I can’t breath? Why my body isn’t mine anymore? Merlin I’m a disaster, I won’t win the game tomorrow, I will let down everyone. Why am I like this? I am dying. I’m a burden for everyone. I’m never gonna make it. Why doesn’t it stop? What’s happening? Why I can’t breath? “Potter?” I heard Lily’s voice from afar. “Potter everything alright?” she asked. I try to answer but no words are coming out of my mouth. “I-” I try again but I can’t speak. Instead tears came out of my eyes and I can’t control them. She comes nearer and I feel petrified. “Potter everything's alright, you are having a panic attack, it sucks but you’re not dying, even if it feels like it” she says. She is right, it does feel like dying. “Can I take your hands?” she asked. I nod and she holds my hands in hers. “Try to breathe in and breathe out with me”. I try to do as she said. “Yeah, like this James” she reassures me. “Some people want others to talk about something so they can listen, others prefer physical touch and others prefer being left alone, can I do something to try and help you now?” “I’m sorry” that’s the only thing that I can say. “You don't have to be sorry for this James” However it feels like I need to be sorry,I will always feel a burden for everyone. “Can you stay with me for a while?” I ask. “Sure, all the time you need, if you need something just ask, or if you want to talk I’m here, everything you think could be helpful.” She is still holding my hands. “Thank you Lily, I don’t know, I was just thinking about the game of tomorrow and I don’t know” “A game made you anxious? But you are the captain.” “Why does everyone need to remind me of this? Thank you very much, I know I am the captain, but what if I don’t want to be captain? What if I don’t want to be someone that everyone relies on when I can’t ever rely on myself? What if I just want to be someone that can rely on someone else for at least one time?.” I didn’t want to sound so harsh. And she is kissing me. She’s kissing me. SHE’s kissing me. She’s KISSING me. She’s kissing ME. Oh Merlin. My heart is racing again but in a positive way. I can’t breathe but if this was the reason I’d prefer to never breathe again. And then she pulls away. She seems confused, even more confused than me. “I’m sorry” she said. “I’m not” “Most people rely on you because you want them to rely on you, that’s what you do, you reflect your light on the others, it’s like you are their personal sun, or either their personal solar system, and you can always count on the sun, or the solar system. I’m sorry for all this pressure that you’re under and how you feel but it’s because you are a good person Potter, and the others can feel it” she said. I couldn’t even respond that she left without saying a word. She kissed me. She smelled like vanilla and caramel. It was awesome. She is awesome.
I did it. I don’t even know why I did it. I kissed James Potter. He was there, having a panic attack, and I kissed him to try and distract him from all his thoughts. I didn’t know that he felt like this about being just himself with the others, I mean I have never particularly been one of his fans but since we started to hang more, having all our friends in common I could see why everyone counted on him and expected him to be the one. The one to become prefect, the one to become captain, the one being loved by everyone, the one. As I hung out more with him and saw him with his closest friends I could see that this was a version of him. He always tried to make his friends feel safe with him, first when Sirius had problems with his family and then he escaped and went to live with James, then when they found out that Remus is a werewolf, Remus told me that they always accepted him and tried to help him the more they could, and he also told me that James was the first one to notice that he started to fancy Sirius and never judged him for that. One time I saw him helping a first year Hufflepuff that was scared by Snape and some of his group. He accepted Marlene being a lesbian. He always tried to make the others feel safe. But I also could see that he tried to never let the others worry about him, he always seemed secure of himself, always happy, never having a bad day, he was always good and the others took his way to appear for what he is, someone that doesn’t need any help because he already has everything. I mean, yeah he has a loving family and he is rich but not spoiled, he is smart but doesn’t show it too much nor brag, he has friends, people that love him but he doesn’t have people that reassure him that sometimes it’s okay to not be okay because you are human and you can’t always be okay. He doesn’t have this person because he doesn’t let the people know that he is in fact not okay or that he needs that person because he doesn’t want to. He thinks that he should always be okay but this will be destroying, no wait it’s already destroying him. But still, why did I kissed him? He has never been subtle about asking me out but I never really thought that he was serious. I mean he never dated anyone or I would know, everyone would have talked about this and he isn't the one to love someone silently. No it’s impossible that he was ever serious about me, I’m not the type someone would have a crush on, especially for years and especially not someone like James. I always found him annoying till I knew more of Remus and we started to hang all together and then I started to find him okay. I mean I obviously noticed that he’s good looking and fit but I never really cared about that. I don’t know why my first instinct to calm him was to kiss him. I mean if you kiss someone you distract them from their thoughts and also you stop their heavy breathing from the panic attract but I had many other options. “Lils, everything okay?” I heard Mary say. “Yeah Mars, why?” “Dunno, you seem on another planet since you came back to your room and now you still haven’t eaten anything that you have on your plate” said Marlene. “Oh yeah, I was just thinking, don’t worry” and I start eating. I can feel someone’s watching me. No, not someone, him. Potter has been watching me all evening but no one said anything so I guess it happened before? Why is he watching me? Is he still thinking about the kiss? I mean I liked the kiss, but I didn’t like him, I mean I always found him rather annoying. We all went to sleep. The night before a game we are always a bit anxious and go to sleep early. I never had problems sleeping, till tonight. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about the kiss. I can’t stop thinking about Potter. Why can’t I stop thinking about him? One time, last year, he gave his coat to some first year because she left hers in her dorm and it was raining, and she started to have a crush on him. He always defended Mcgonagall when someone said something bad about her. He always helped others when they needed it. His pranks, well now that I think about it, are funny, most of them at least. Last year, a last year ravenclaw asked him out in the great hall and he did anything that he could to not offend her while saying no because he already had feelings for someone. And then she looked at me. Like half of the school. Oh shit. Oh shit, he was serious. OH SHIT. He was serious when he asked me out. He was serious when he wrote to me for Saint Valentine. He was always serious. The reality hit me like white wine. Oh shit, I think I fancy James Potter. Shit. Oh Merlin fuck. I mean yeah, he cares about the people he loves, he has always tried to invite me on dates and I never saw him with another girl, I mean that type of devotion should be rewarded. He's an idiot, but a cute one. When I kissed him I felt something, something that I never felt with my ex, even though that I should have. Fuck.
Why did she ran away? I liked that kiss, I mean I've liked her for years, six exactly, and I've never tried to cover it. She helped me today and she ran away after she kissed me. How am I supposed to sleep now? Now that I had my first kiss and loved every second of it. How am I supposed to do anything that isn't thinking about that kiss and craving about tasting her soft lips once again?
“Lils are you coming?” I heard Marlene “No, she's probably trying to escape from James and his jersey” Mary laughed. “I kissed him” “You did what?” Marlene asked. “I beg your pardon?” Mary seemed shocked. “He was there, having a panic attack, i held his hands and tried to calm him but when he started talking i was afraid he could have another one so I kissed him to distract him but it turns out that i might fancy him” “You have to pay me Mars.” “You made a bet? For me?” “Everyone has made them” “Oh well that helps me a lot thank you” “So today you're gonna wear his jersey?” “Well he didn't gave it this time, i ran away after i kissed him, i didn't know what to do” “Lily we should kill you right now but we won't so let's go to breakfast so he can give you his jersey” “Thanks Mars” We reached the Great Hall and it was full, as always when it was the day of a game. There were girls and boys with their partner's jersey. At Hogwarts it was a tradition that on the day of a game the players had to give one of their jerseys to the one they were interested in. James always gave me his but I never wore it, however I never even thought that he was serious about me so I’m not the one to blame. Maybe today I would have if he gave it to me. “Lils, I have something for you ” Remus said to me. He gave me a box. “What’s this?” “I don't know, James told me to give it to you” “Yeah, he seemed pretty nervous, I've never saw him like this” Peter continues. “Yeah he’s been nervous since yesterday, tonight he didn’t sleep much” Remus says. “Well thank you” I opened the box and there was his jersey with a note that said: I'm sorry about yesterday, you didn’t deserve to see me like this, I know you don’t want to kiss me but I’d really like for you to wear it, even if I’m just making a fool out of myself, I promise this will be the last time . “Sorry but where's James now?” I asks. “He went with Sirius on the field to prepare for the game ” Peter explained. “Ok thank you, I have to do something”. When I was leaving I heard Remus say “Did she just called him James and not Potter?” I wore it. Under my coat but I wore it. I don't know why I feel the urge but I want him. Me, Mars, Remus and Peter were going to the game. Remus finally wore Sirius’ jersey. I'm so proud of him. “I wonder if Dorcas wore Marlene's jersey” I've heard Mars say. “I guess we'll find out soon” I said. I can feel that they want to ask.
“So, are we ready?” I asked. “As always, captain ” Sirius said. “Always ready to kick ass ” Marlene said. “We should go on the field now but first, I know that this season we aren’t playing like before, but we can still do better, we have this. This is the last year for many of us and we want this last season to be the greatest, even if we started sucking. We can still make it, I believe in you. NOW LET’S GO KICKING ASSES” When we reached the field everyone chanted “gryffindor” . It was always a fair game when we played against ravenclaw. I shake hands with their captain. The game started not even 5 minutes ago and we're already losing . I can't concentrate and I can't catch the quaffle and score . Marlene and Sirius are doing their job as beaters, they were heads over heels since Dorcas and Remus were wearing their jerseys. I should have known that she wouldn't have worn it. I saw their seeker flying over me. I pointed him to Sirius and Marlene. Ravenclaw continued to score. We are losing 100-180. I still haven’t touched the quaffle. “Why is he so distracted today?” I could hear Sirius ask.
“Why are they so unlucky this season?” Peter asked. “I don't know, I think that maybe they need something to help them concentrate, don't you think Lils?” Remus said. “Shut up Rem, I know that you know” “Because I know you Lils” “Merlin they're gonna lose, again, I can't watch” Peter stated. “Merlin, I can't stand Marlene, Sirius and James all together when they lose” Mary said. “I still don’t understand why James seems so off this season, it’s like he his losing his magic” “Merlin, don't you dare say anything, maybe you shouldn’t all rely on him for everything, he’s a person and needs to rely on other people too sometimes. Maybe if you didn’t put all this pressure on him he wouldn’t be so stressed right now”. They all looked at me shocked, I was shocked myself, but I needed to say something, especially the truth. I took away my coat. Everyone near us gasped. Some even whistled. I needed James to look at me. “JAMES” I scream. I don't even care about the others right now. He turns around. His face lights up. Merlin, his smile is one of the wonders of the World. Merlin I'm so fucked.
She wore it. She did it. She wore my jersey. Merlin fuck. “Go score some points, you lucky bastard” Sirius says. “Finally” I heard Marlene say. And here it is . My teammate passed me the quaffle and I scored, and scored and scored again, like I always did. I was finally myself again. And finally our seeker catched the golden snitch. We won. WE WON. 340-200. Everyone is coming to me but I don't care about them. I just care about her. I fly to her on the bleachers. She is there in the front row. Beautiful as ever, no, even more wearing my jersey. “I won” I say. “Idiot” and she kisses me. Right in front of everyone. I can't understand if I feel like flying because I am flying or because she's kissing me. Probably the second.
He ran to me. Well flew. We are kissing in front of the entire school. Merlin, how could I have been so stupid and never gave him an opportunity? Most of the school was looking at me while we were returning to our dorm. I'm still wearing his jersey while laying on my bed, almost time for the party in the common room. “So you finally did it” “Yes Mars, I finally did it” I'm going downstairs with Mary while still wearing his jersey. The team isn't here yet. We are going to Remus and Dorcas on our usual couch. The portrait opened and the team arrived. I can't see James. Marlene has already gone to Dorcas and finally kissed. Sirius ran to Remus and hugged. They were all so cute but where's my boy? I finally see him. We are finally looking at each other. Merlin, why have I never looked at how pretty he is?. I finally was in front of him. Merlin I can't wait anymore. I hug him the tightly I can. “You wore it” he says. “I wore it” I respond. “So now I can finally take you on a date?” I laugh. “Merlin, you're never gonna change. Yes you can take me out on a date” He kisses me.
Merlin I wish we could do this forever. I can't believe it. I can finally take her out. I'm never gonna get enough of her kisses, I wish she could kiss me forever. “Look at the lovebirds” I heard Sirius say. We pulled apart but still held hands. “Fuck off pads” We were finally together. Now I don’t have to fantasize about heaven anymore. Merlin I have to organize the date for tomorrow at Hogsmeade.